After moving on, you find yourself trying yet another dating app. More out of curiosity than wanting to date (your friend had warned you about some weirdo on dating apps… qué metiche eres). Of course, you had tried dating apps several times before and nothing had ever come out of it. The furthest you had gotten was a second date. Naturally, you did not expect a different outcome this time.
Except this time it worked out. You meet Poutine, whose location was supposed to be near you according to the app. Your first impression of her is that she is someone who probably would have a panic attack trying to kiss you. She’s your type… nerdy, androgynous, curly haired. You find out that the app had glitched, and it had shown your profiles closer to each other than you really were, as she lived 5 hours away.
You decide to give it a shot, the first FaceTime date turns into a fourth one (to your utter disbelief, she should have ghosted you by now), and a month in you find yourself picking her up at a bus station.
Poutine seems insanely nervous, so nervous in fact she can’t even make eye contact. After dinner, you go back to her hotel and this woman still hasn’t made a move on you. You are both awkwardly talking to each other, 6 feet apart. You are well aware that you need to take matters into your own hands at this point. So you ask her, “So… are you gonna kiss me?”
This makes Poutine short circuit. It’s as if you’re watching a real life rendition of “Error 404 Bad Gateway”. The irony of the fact that YOU are the virgin who’s never kissed anyone at the age of 25, is not lost on you.
It takes a couple of deep breaths but Poutine regains her composure and walks towards you and kisses you.
This isn’t like the movies, there’s no fireworks or violins in the background. Your first thought is “am I doing this right?”. So you ask her, and she won’t stop kissing you, and you find different ways to kiss each other. You quickly realize what you enjoy from making out isn’t the kissing but the touching and caressing. You thought this kiss would only be a quick peck and you’d go home, but Poutine deepens the kiss and it turns into a make out session. Soon, she carries you to bed and you fucking finally lose your bitch ass virginity.
It was awkward, sweet and curious. My god, how you enjoy cuddling.
A month later, you find yourself in a relationship with Poutine. She is incredibly sweet, and very much into you.
You’ve known this whole time how long it takes you to develop feelings for someone, but Poutine seems to have no issue developing intense feelings for you at the speed of lighting.
It wasn’t long till she changed. It didn’t happen often, at first. A Couple of misunderstandings in which she would become really intense and cruel to you. You let it slide.
You had not dated for 3 months when she started a fight about one of the most ridiculous things you can think of. She calls you names snd makes you feel like shit. You wonder why she even is with you. So you dump her ass, cry at work the next day only for her to come crawling back to you, begging for forgiveness. You think about it for two weeks and give it another shot.
She’s back to being sweet, understanding, and romantic.
This, of course, doesn’t last long.
It’s the same cycle, you’re fighting over stupid shit every other week. This isn’t normal. None of your other relationships are like this. You have stopped feeling sorry, you realized Poutine is snatching a match from you and setting herself on fire, then blaming you for it. However, you can’t help but feel disgusted with yourself, are you not supposed to be empathetic towards your partner?
You find yourself in bed with Poutine, at her mother’s house. She had kissed you in the rain the night before. When you wake up, you turn to her side to cuddle and she does not hug you back. She is pissed.
Turns out you moved too much in your sleep and poutine couldn’t sleep because of it. She is whisper-yelling at you, calling you inconsiderate and saying you are doing this on purpose. You don’t know what to do but to explain, as she leaves the bed and goes for breakfast. You are stuck between joining an awkward breakfast with her whole family at the table, or staying in and being rude to Poutine’s beautiful mother who’s hosting you.
It takes a whole other month for you to break up for good. Another stupid misunderstanding in which Poutine yells at you and calls you names. You are done with it and don’t give her what she wants, which is reassurance and a back-breaking apology.
So she dumps you this time around and it’s unlike your last breakup. You’re not overwhelmed, you stopped walking on egg shells. You have more free time to spend with the people you love, the same people who don’t assume the worst of you and don’t twist your words.
You send her hoodie back. She blocks you from everywhere, and you never hear from her again.
