Life is Beautiful

Sometimes I think about my first love. I found a note from him today. He wanted to give me so much. He dreamed of our future together. He planned to build a home for us on his land. He wanted sons to take hunting. He wanted to show me beautiful places. He wanted to grow old together. He loved me so much.

In the end, I didn't love him like I thought I did. I loved him because he loved me. And that wasn't fair to him. He deserved someone who loved him the way he loved me.

I love someone who doesn't talk about our future. Who doesn't want sons or daughters. Who doesn't tell me about his dreams.

But I love him all the same. That dorky, handsome, unbelievably intelligent man who doesn't love me like I've known love.

It's been awhile. With all that's going on I can't help but feel like it's been a long time coming. Sometimes I wish he was less selfish. Today, when it would have been so easy borrow his car or give me a ride I don't even think it crossed his mind. He was so quick to say, "take a uber". Its okay. I could have asked. But like most things, I'm afraid he'll said no. When I picture the man I'm with, I see someone who offers to help. Someone who doesn't see me as a burden or a chore. I know he's selfish when it comes to things, I try not to ask for much and I made it clear that I can do things myself. But sometimes...sometimes I need help. Sometimes it would be nice to be with someone who offered.

(Update)

Didn’t get the job. Again. Gaining weight. Again. In a rut. Again. 

I can try to tell myself it wasn’t meant to be. Better things will come along. Run more. Eat less. Do this, do that. No excuses...

But I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m sore. 

Ready for an adventure! I know having no expectations will help me the most. With all these weddings to come home to, it just has me hoping something would have changed. But I know it hasn't, and it won't. I just wish people would stop asking if I think he'll ask. It's hard, ya know, each and every time to tell them that that's not gonna happen. It seems to catch them off guard and they wanna know more. But I've gotten good at explaining that marriage isn't for everyone and they seem to back off after that.

Look where we are. Look back to when you thought you'd never see him again. This is a life together, this is our life together.

Update August 20, 2019

So I had to talk myself down today. I was out for my walk and saw him and his coworker walking back from Target. I guess I was just taken aback, it's weird seeing him with someone else but something made me panic. She's cute, she's tiny, and I bet her cosplay is a bonus. But I know they text, probably more than coworkers should, and i feel weird asking him to see their conversations. He won't like that. He'd hate it.

So I told myself, "Alex, you wouldn't feel this way if 'she' was a 'he'. They're just coworkers/friends-" even though you don't believe that guys and girls can be just friends- "but he can have people other than you" so don't be selfish, don't be jealous, don't go down this hole.

Shit.

Things are back to "normal". I feel happy. You make me happy. But I found out something today.

She's back in Colorado. At least that's what Facebook says...Do you know? Would you have told me if you did?

Shit.

Do I say something? Why? What if you don't know? If I say something am I just trying to cause trouble? Or is this panic I'm feeling something I need to talk to you about? You've always said we can talk...

I know I complain a lot on here. In fact, looking back, that's all I seem to do. But I never seem to show him at his best. And he really is amazing.

The days I don't feel my best, be it my body, my job, my lack of motivation...he's there.

Sometimes there's a weight on me. Not often, but it's there. Most of the time I don't feel it. It's as if it becomes my normal. I can't feel it getting heavier and heavier but it slowly makes it's way.

This weight I didn't know was suffocating me is lifted when he's there. It's not denial or dependance. I don't pretend like my problems are all gone or need him to make me feel good, but he does.

Trying to realign myself.

"We assume that other people have to deserve our love, or that our love is somehow of benefit to other people. We think they can feel our love. But they can't" - Kara Loewentheil

I can't make him love or want me more. I can't choose how he expresses his love for me. I can't demand to know what our future looks like, but I can choose to love him.

I'm in a relationship limbo.

The thought that this is it, this is all we will ever be...well it scares me more than the alternative.

He asked what would change if we got married? For me, the feeling that I belong to a him, that I'm welcome in his family, that he has a life in front of him that he wants to spend with me, you know a marriage. For him, nothing but paperwork and an empty promise since most people get divorced nowadays anyway. How romantic.

Maybe I don't need to be married. Knowing how he feels, our marriage would turn to resentment. Even if by some miracle I got him to the alter, I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye while I listened to his empty promises. Not like that matters. He'll never get that far.

I think I have to let go of my daydreams. There's no romantic gestures in my future. There's no ring for this girl, but I guess all I wanted was that promise. The promise that here and now, he wanted me for forever. But even here and now, with how happy we are, I'm not someone he wants for forever.