what's in my head

It's 2018.

But I still feel choked up sometimes. All the time.

I have an image to keep, a reputation to uphold, and parents to please. Everything I do is a mistake. I thought I'm supposed to figure things out along the way? How come the adults make mistakes and get away with it while I get scolded and condemned for a small thing?

I once opened up to my mom when a pop star that I idolized in my younger days died due to suicide. I felt empty upon hearing that news. I thought maybe it was a sign that I should too? When I told the news to my mom, she said that he was feeling sadness. She said that he shouldn't have been sad. I asked her if it was wrong to feel sad. She said yes.

So this was the feeling of being forbidden to feel. That's when I realized that I'm a prison in my home. I couldn't cry. I'd be doing wrong again.

gone

i know we weren’t personally very close but still

you were one of the most energetic people that i know

and you’ve always been so passionate with what you do

i don’t want to believe that it’s true but

i hope you’re happy with our Father

but i’ll be honest

i regret not taking more time to talk to you

yet i am still thankful for the small chats

but then again i regret not asking how you were

or what was bothering you

012916 | 12:46

it’s almost the end of the ‘new year’ vibe and many things happened between the span of time i haven’t been writing whether in my handwritten journal or online.

school work, schoolmates, orgs, professors, parents, siblings, friends, pressure, issues, and everything in between. moments, feelings, stress, happiness, relationships - they come and go

i’m very much aware that i still have many things to learn in life, but i feel like i’m in that point in my life when i just let things go. the best friend that i had, my freedom of decision making, my time, myself - i let them go, but losing something is not that sad. i was able to let go of my pride, my ego, my fear, my insecurities, my negativity, my anger, my anxiety. 

i lost a lot of things so right now, i feel a little bit at lost. i’m still continuing to find myself and am still seeking God for guidance, wisdom, and security so i’ll stay in faith. 

i’m hoping to see where i will be in the future.

as i continue to find myself, i won’t forget to still have fun, laugh, and live in the moment. 

i hope everyone will somehow still be strong.

092515 | 1619

it is though grace that I passed. Literally.

I did mention in a previous post that I auditioned for our uni’s radio org an got into some trouble (yes, I did) and totally pestered the members. Even though I may have screwed up during the last screening, they extended their mercy to me and gave me a chance and because of that, I am now officially a member of this organization.

There really isn’t much to say about me on this because really, it’s all on everyone. My friends were there to support me, even some sincerely did, this org’s members gave me a chance, my sister neglected her laptop (which is why I was able to make edits, thankfully), and the rest was all on God. 

091915 | 22:15

I am not depressed.

seriously.

I know that I’ve been sounding pretty down for the past couple of days but come on guys, it was more like an emotional breakdown. These emotional breakdowns actually happen very rarely - only when my patience tank gets filled and tough&brave defense front gets stabbed by multiple people for multiple times. Once I get to release it (takes about a week or two), I’m back to being me.

The whole cutting and bloody thing were just something I do on impulse... Regarding my past with these negative stuff, they were actually done on purpose so... I guess it was just my past that triggers my actions when confronted with harsh negativity.

I just wanted to clear that up.

And so, I don’t know why I did it but I chopped it off. Not based on negativity, not on insecurity, not based on any philosophical shizz most people say about it but, I chopped it off.

No. I didn’t chop my wrist off, nor my thigh. Chill people, geez.

It used to reach until beneath my underarms and but now it’s just beneath my ears. I guess I just wanted something new or something different for some time. Most girls would probably cry if it happened to them but honestly, it felt really good. 

I want to cry. 

I made sure that I was early for my last chance. The call time was 9AM. I was outside their booth at 8:15AM. Good. No chance of being late. All that matters now is how I’ll execute myself.

I’m currently in one of the halls of the uni where students are free to chill with whatever they have and, this place is also passed by very rarely. Only occasional groups of divas who laughs as if they’re not bothering anyone passes by.

 My laptop is almost deadbatt, so I’m just writing this without really giving a f about grammar and typos (my keyboard is broken-ish) 

They liked my logos. I am very happy with that. My remix was a hmmm it’s okay kind, and my jocking

I wanna cry.

Is it selfish to say that the only reason I joined the uni radio was to help me conquer my social fear? I know this is not an excuse to mess up my FINAL SCREENING, but right now I am really, really mad a t myself. Guess I’ll be wasting my money and savings on food for today.

They like my edits.

They offered training in remix.

They offered training in communication, but they couldn’t put me on air, yet. 

I certainly have been explicitly annoying this org.

I remember having an entry regarding my lost phone (which was honestly embarrassing), and apparently, on that same evening, the radio org that I auditioned in actually texted me that I passed the 2nd screening. It was truly an honor for me to be be able to achieve whatever this is that I have achieved. But the thing is, I lost my phone.

I lost my phone -> they announced that I passed -> announcement of 3rd screening -> message never received

thus, I missed the 3rd screening, 

The 3rd screening was on a Monday when naturally, the uni I go to has no classes. Tuesday, some fellow auditionees asked me whether or not I passed. Some of them did and some of them didn’t.

I would’ve searched for them that day but I had no idea where to look so I literally ran home and turned up the computer and contacted them in the only way I know, Facebook.

Informing them of my stupidity of having my phone lost, or stolen, or eaten, they accepted my story and schedule another screening for me, which is on Thursday that week. The thing is, I didn’t only audition for a jock (which all of the auditionees auditioned for, I also auditioned for Tech, Creatives, Social & Media, and of course, Jock. In short, EVERYTHING, which meant REQUIREMENTS. A remix based on Pentatonix’s Evolution of Music, Logos for the org’s shows, a tag line, and general ad lib. 

All. On. Thursday.

That Tuesday night I did’t even sleep a wink, looking for songs, from Odes to today’s Justin Bieber. Wednesday, I was late in class and was asked to stay out of the classroom. It was sort of a benefit for me since I have time to do some remix stuff. I rushed home that Wednesday and did all the remixes and logos. 

Disclaimer: I do not know how to remix or to use Photoshop.

My first class on Thurs (DDAY) was Theo, which starts oat 12NN. The alloted time for me was 12:30.

Crap.

Luckily, the prof declared a free cut, so I chilled. I ended up chilling too much because I spent my time working on my crappy remix and logos, and ended up arriving in the booth at 1:30, which was the cut off time given to me by the org.

As everyone always does, I rushed home, and messaged them. I really sounded so desperate. I actually am. I know that most of us would say that it would be embarrassing to keep on pestering them. I actually am embarrassed. I hate bugging people the most. I must have wasted an hour of their life letting them wait for me. 

I just realized that everyone affects each other on way or another. 

It just so happen that I’m affecting them negatively.

By grace, they accepted my plea. But it would be my LAST CHANCE. FINAL FREAKIN CHANCE on Friday.

i have morena skin. i have big brown eyes. i have thick, unruly hair. i don’t have naturally perfect teeth. i don’t have fleek eyebrows. i have big pores. i don’t have flawless skin. 

i am not anyone’s ideal barbie doll.

but it’s okay.

i am not smart, but i am not stupid academically. i am an average student who has many dreams and goals in life. 

i like music. no, not today’s pop and hip hop songs that everybody likes, nor pop boy groups who claim to be boy bands. also, i’m not a hipster who listens to indie songs. i like bands. normal, heart touching bands. bands like the script, coldplay, maroon 5 (of course), boys like girls, secondhand serenade, fall out boy (duh), sleeping with sirens, the click five, panic! at the disco, all time low, mayday parade, green day, all american rejects, fm static (definitely), linkin park and a whole lot more. i also like solo artists, like ed sheeran and sam smith (of course), sam ock, beyonce (queen) and etc.

it’s not what most of the people listen to.

but it’s okay.

i like fashion but i am not good at it. i don’t feel comfortable wearing skirts, dress, lacey things, tank tops and such. maybe if required to then why not. i don’t hate those clothes but they just aren’t my first choice. i like shirts. any t-shirt would be okay. and jeans. i also like shorts but mostly only during summer (duh). i also only have sneakers in my shoe collection. all are either black, white, or black and white. i also like cute socks. and plaids. checkered things.

it’s not today’s fashion trend

but it’s okay

i do not hate people. i just choose who i socialize with. many people say that i am an extrovert but really, i just tolerate conversations. i have to smile at others to lessen their already bad day so that’s okay, right? i do not want to start any conversation or even be a part of any conversation where in the topic i useless and shallow. i want to talk about how your day went, who you thought was cool and such. how you regret doing this and learned something from it. how you thought about random memories on your way back from school. any genuine and sincere conversation, yes i will take.

it’s not what everyone wants

but it’s okay

i do not have lots of friends. a lot of people know me, but they re not under my classification of friends. i keep my circle of friends small. it has less drama and less probability of getting hurt.

it’s not everyone’s choice

And I never will be.

I read an article in CandyMag (http://www.candymag.com/features/i-will-never-be-the-pretty-girl) regarding this same issue, and having done so, I was inspired to write something about this.

I grew up in an era where only the pretty ones will be on the spotlight. I’ll never be the girl who has long, flawless hair. I’ll never be the girl with white and fair skin. I’ll never be the girl with naturally perfect teeth. I’ll never be the girl with a pretty face. I’ll never be the girl who gets the lead role of a princess in a play. I’ll never be the girl who will look good in pink. The girl who loves shopping and shoes. British boy bands and american series.

And it’s okay.

I don’t feel insecure about it. I don’t feel bothered by it (maybe on certain situations) but by default, I really don’t give a damn.

There was a moment in my life when I was just, silent. I still respond to people who tries to talk to me but I must have done it in the dullest way possible.

I frequently asked myself, “Why can’t I be like those pretty girls?”

After years and experiences, I got the answer.

Being the girl that is always at the background, I had the benefit of observing others go about their lives. I’ve seen pretty girls with lots of guys running after her, but ending up heartbroken and used. Pretty girls with her cliques and girlfriends, but ending up alone and backstabbed. Liars surrounded her. People kiss up to her because she’s the popular one and want to get some of her prettiness upon themselves.

It’s all superficial.

Very superficial.

I looked at the mirror for countless of times (don’t we all) and there are days when I only see my flaws - morena skin, crooked teeth, unruly hair, awkward face - but there are also times when I only see the good points - sharp nose (sorta), big brown eyes, naturally curled eyelashes (long lashes, at that), and... that’s it. 

I look back and see who were the ones who became a real friend. He/she doesn’t have to be with my every single time. Just somebody I can rely on, and somebody who would trust me enough to rely on me as well. True enough, there were a handful of them. Only a handful. The rest, I know what they think of me and I am not being a feeler about this.

Anyway, after I have beaten around the bush for this pretty girl issue, I want to share what I’ve learned.

The way the world classifies beauty does not define who you are.

Yes, I know. It is difficult to believe and stay positive about that. But we gotta be brave. What use is beauty when her heart is empty?

Intelligence, wit, humor, kindness, optimism, sadness, grief, sincerity... 

who we are makes as beautiful.