And Hell Followed With

Indicating a downward trend across all genres, a new report from the Recording Industry Association of America released Thursday found that music’s power to bridge divides and lift spirits had dropped 74%. “After this latest dip in its capacity to unify, we can no longer recommend music as a reliable means of bringing people together,” said RIAA representative Marc Olivier, noting that in the past year there had been almost no instances of the art form inspiring a group of strangers to set aside their differences and join hands in song.

Cracking open a beer and settling into his couch Saturday night, local man Martin Burfette, who had no previously scheduled plans for the evening nor invitations to attend a social gathering of any kind, confirmed that he was simply too exhausted to leave his apartment. “I’m pretty beat; think I’ll just kick back and stay in tonight,” said the socially bereft 32-year-old, who decided that, “after the week [he] had,” he would simply order takeout, watch Netflix, and fall asleep, a course of action that was essentially the only option available to him.