Iambic Baker

Adhd is

ADHD is being smartdumb: the chronic cognitive dissonance from constantly being made aware of evidence suggesting that you’re extremely talented and intelligent and evidence suggesting that you are working to a dangerously below-average standard compared to all of your peers (and someone’s mad about it, and it’s definitely your boss)

ADHD is learned helplessness from feeling the weight of a lifetime of abandoned projects, failed courses, broken relationships and disappointed superiors - wanting to believe that you can achieve better, but being overwhelmed with evidence to suggest that failing and disappointment are just what it means to be you

ADHD is going to extreme lengths to hide that you don’t have a life outside of procrastination and “catching up”, because you feel like no one could possibly understand

ADHD is saying “I’ll never let it get this bad again” ...

ADHD is knowing you’re busy all day because you agreed to one commitment at 8pm

ADHD is downloading Duolingo to learn Mandarin

ADHD is speaking passionately and authentically about a subject you care about ... then simmering in shame because you feel like you just massively overshared and everyone thinks you’re neurotic and boring so maybe you should just shut up

ADHD is going to university because you must be some sort of masochist

ADHD is sitting through yet another round of motivational advice from someone who seems to think they know something

ADHD is just hanging out in your knickers for the day, because apparently you took your pants off at some point

ADHD is getting a notification from Duolingo

ADHD is investing substantial effort in carefully crafting witty, charismatic responses that might make people like you more

ADHD is reading your try-hard messages back to yourself for your own amusement

ADHD is me doing that after writing this post

ADHD is wondering how you’re supposed to make three meals a day for the rest of your life

ADHD is wondering what the hell do other people even eat three times a day

ADHD is the same sandwich four times instead

ADHD is making friends easily

ADHD is losing friends easily

ADHD is not reaching out to people you literally care about because... because of a vague anxiety and deep fear of rejection? And actually messaging people makes you feel guilty and icky, so you’d rather push the whole thing out of your awareness and get back to procrastinating

ADHD is lying to the question “so, what have you been up to?”

ADHD is becoming a child prodigy before you can even tie your shoes

ADHD is suddenly realising one day that you’re the only one left in the class that can’t

ADHD is when this keeps happening to you

ADHD is getting heart arrhythmia during the school register if your last initial falls somewhere between A and Z

ADHD i- by the way everyone hates you, you should really think about that

ADHD is never feeling truly seen in how hard you actually do try, how sick the stress makes you, and how much you genuinely give a shit

ADHD is posting an impassioned, heartfelt and politically brave Facebook status

ADHD is quick, because you need to delete that right now because it doesn’t have any likes yet and it’s been 20 minutes and why are you so embarrassing

ADHD is people who have no idea what executive dysfunction even means advising you to basically just [insert method that requires executive functions] to override your literally disabled prefrontal cortex - which, would invariably open up a wormhole passage through spacetime where you can go back to a time before they were ever born and tell their mum that their dad is a men’s rights activist

ADHD is not knowing how to tidy up at 27

ADHD is still checking the cooking instructions on the back of a can of beans - at 27

ADHD is not going food shopping

ADHD is getting a notification from Duolingo

ADHD is automatically absentmindedly typing “Facebook” into every search bar because you probably even check notifications in your sleep, yet you experience chronic amnesia when it comes to brushing the teeth you’ve had to brush twice a day for as long as you can humanly remember

ADHD is noticing your gums are bleeding again and then wondering how you’re supposed to actually keep all of your teeth from falling out for at least another 30-40 years

ADHD is living in a museum dedicated to things you used to do with your time before you couldn’t be bothered to have hobbies anymore

ADHD is being hungry, thirsty, exhausted, and googling about why your relationship isn’t making you happy today

ADHD is regretting making plans, cancelling last minute, and going back to bed

ADHD is being super excited about your new ukulele

ADHD is crying again

ADHD is regretting making plans, but not being able to cancel again... but you’re really glad you went, and it felt really great to see everyone and we shouldn’t leave it so long next time

ADHD is definitely cancelling next time

ADHD is lying to yourself that the random items you kept from abandoned hyper-focuses are an honest representation of your genuine interests and passions, rather than souvenirs of fleeting curiosities barely explored

ADHD is when your shower curtain is a portal to a 7th dimension where 10 minutes is experienced as an hour back on Earth

ADHD is intuitively sensing yourself on the brink of being fired - but as a lifestyle

ADHD is listening to unambitious neurotypicals appropriate your experience if you ever try to bring it up

ADHD is not making things and unironically still writing “artist” in your bio

ADHD is googling “how old am I”

ADHD is fetishising your sadness because you’re so bored in life that you’ll squeeze whatever meaning and sentimentality you can get from any experience that doesn’t require you to actually do anything

ADHD is pretending not hear the person who just asked you for the time, because the only available clock is analog and you just need a minute

ADHD is not feeling emotionally ready to open that email yet

ADHD is knowing you’re lying about having ADHD, even if you do have a sink full of dishes, piles of paper perimetering the room, 30 unopened messages from people you apparently like talking to, and also you’re going to miss that thing tomorrow and get in trouble again

ADHD is giving away the ukulele you never used

ADHD is getting excited about your new sewing machine

ADHD is learning through Facebook that it was someone-you-still-thought-of-as-your-best-friend’s wedding last week

ADHD is learning through Facebook that it was someone-you-love’s birthday last week

ADHD is when this happens for every birthday, every year

ADHD is being Schrodingers Potential: you’re simultaneously an extremely gifted golden child and a literal piece of actual dog shit

ADHD is having to constantly create new and novel ways to remind yourself of your daily responsibilities to stop them becoming invisible to you

ADHD is taking your laptop to a coffee shop to work extremely inefficiently because you want to be the kind of person that writes in coffee shops

ADHD is Google image searching Nietzsche quotes for your cover photo and feeling cultured about it

ADHD is hoping no one actually tries to start a conversation with you about Nietzsche

ADHD is hyper-focusing on creating a comprehensive ‘6am start’ schedule to include all of the goals and hobbies that matter to you, staying up all night to finish it, congratulating yourself on being so productive and then going to bed at 9am

ADHD is feeling like a trapped animal attempting even one day within this cruel, inhumane dictatorial regime of productivity

ADHD is setting up a notification system as an ongoing reminder to drink water, but just so you can make scrolling marginally more laborious for your dehydrated two-weeks-from-now self, who just experiences them as mildly annoying, context-less interruptions at random intervals throughout the day that they would turn off if they could only bring themselves to be bothered enough - but they can’t, so they won’t

ADHD is needing one whole day per commitment with rest days in between or face the consequences

ADHD is being literally everything and anything but a hyperactive little boy

ADHD is me still editing this post hours later

Finally,

ADHD really is you giving the very best you have within you, in spite of this disability - breaking through personal glass ceilings for your entire life without anyone ever understanding what it’s like to be you enough to know just how much there was to congratulate you for