I am That Girl

I've done a lot of bad things. And maybe this is my punishment: to see you in every place I go, every people I meet and everything I do.. without being able to look at you, to find you.

You were always dreamy. A man with a lot of goals, a lot of things to accomplish, to prove. 

Sometimes, I would just look at your eyes when you talk about your plans, your future. 

And god, your eyes were mesmerizing. There was something in your eyes that make me feel as if there are multiple of universes out there and even the sky is not the limit.

Your eyes, they always tell me that you are more than what people see. Not only as if you belong to one place but also as if you belong to every place in the world.

That is why I loved you more. You made me see that the world is big and wide and that everything is possible, that every dream can come true.

Just like superheroes, you were always a mystery, a secret. As if you were always meant to be far away to save someone, to save yourself.

And I was just there, looking at you, listening to your thoughts, to your dreams. 

That’s when I knew you will not stay.

Not in this place, not with me.

You got the whole universe waiting for you out there. You are meant to soar high and climb up mountains because that will make you happy.

While I... I already found what I was looking for. 

I was looking at you and I was already looking at my universe.

That was how different we were.

That was why you didn’t stay.

When you left, it felt like I was lost.

I was and I guess, still am.

But I’m trying every day. I would fail some days and I would win in some.

I would find my place too, one of these days.

I’m starting to see what you were seeing. I’m starting to believe there are universes for me out there, too.

I just wonder sometimes, if you have found your way to the place you wanted to be.

I wonder if the place you dream of could be the same place I am about to go.

I wonder if I would ever meet you again. 

After every place we’ve been to, all the people we meet, all the roads we take,

I would swear your heart will ache everytime you think of me. I would.

But I have grown tired of all these hates and regrets and what ifs. In reality, I would just cry after re-reading the last message you sent me. Reminding myself of the reasons why I should just let you go.

You cant love me, you said. After you told me I cant shut you out of my life and that you love me. After I waited for you until you come back after months.

You still love your ex, you said. After two years of an on and off relationship with me. You just couldnt tell me right away. After all the times I put up with you, you still love your ex. As if I never existed. As if I was just an item you tried to use to fill in the emptiness she left you with. It's as if I was just an experiment.

I was an experiment to you. You tried, you said, but everytime you tried you failed.

I made my itinerary. It'll be fun!

Mom's excited and my sister too.

It'll be something different, this time.

I'm filled with excitement and hope and love.

I'm going home.

But ...

After a while, after the sun set, after I saw the starless night, I thought of you.

I thought of the time you were excited to go home too. Was this how you felt?

Was this feeling the reason why I was easily forgotten?

I love my family more than anything, more than you. I love them with all my heart and I'm so excited to be with them again. But I've never forgotten you. Not a single minute.

Does this mean I don't love them enough and you love yours more than I do with mine?

Or does this mean you never really loved me and you just used your love for them as an excuse to push me away?