We're All Fucking Mad Here...

i still wonder how someone could think so little as to Cheat on them mas they are arranging your lives together.

Some words still haunt me, like when I said I was stuck you you, or when you used "I could contract HIV anywhere" to support the craigslits creeping.

there are certain a things that I will always wonder if others think the same way.

and there are some people who do.

but I don't think I'll ever understand why these events fell the way they did.

LITERALLY, All you had to do was not text me back.

i don't understand.

He swore he was a great person and loved everyone to the best of his ability,

But he cheated on his wife before he knew she was cheating, and when he found out, he felt a way because he felt he had a right to cheat and she didn’t.

But he kept telling me HIS history with his ex-WIFE was repeating itself with me and he was afraid of what I would do to hurt him.

But he was trying to lure girls on social media to sleep with him while I was working 2-3 jobs trying to save up to move across the country.

But he was on Craigslist finding females because social media wasn’t enough game hile I was working 2-3 jobs trying to save up to move across the country.

But he was sleeping with girls on the bed he bought for us to sleep on while I was working 2-3 jobs trying to save up to move across the country.

But he knew before I crossed the country that he did not love me.

He did not treat me with love,

And him not kicking me out of the apartment I paid for was NOT doing better than she did to him.

I am extremely angry today.

The day I left, time kept moving. The sun continued to rise and fall on opposites sides of the land. The stars soon followed the sun. The sky remained above us.

Nothing stood still.

Here we are today, and time has placed 6 months in between our last breath together. My soul has taken the time to take in the wonders of life. Yet I’ve noticed:

My sun does not shine quite as bright;

and my North Star is over the West coast.

This time tomorrow, the circles will begin making rounds in my head louder than bullets once more. Yet begin hit with these thoughts, the pain is more of an itch; manageable at times, an irritation most, but always a weakness.

Later that night, as my mind begins to fade from reality, I will search for peace once more. My eyes will lower and my mind will find Paradise; bodies entwined under satin sheets, my favorite song playing through his chest, and all of the forehead kisses in the world.

But Paradise will be soon joined by Heaven, and Grace, as I am left to surrender my peace for sidepieces.

The world will fade to black.

A Silent Solitude; where Invisible Tears Fall Loudest

I fall into paralysis.

And so it begins

Shake

Sweat

Breathe

Sweat

Open your eyes

Breathe

Open your eyes

Shake

BreATHE

SWEAT

OPEN YOUR EYES

breathe..

To be within arms reach of you

To have a conversation that doesn’t end because our device died

To call you a dumbass to your face

To sing a song that held a meaning to us, with each other

To see your eyes tell the same story they did back then

To hold your face close to mine

To see you like the first time

A second time

The way I am treated.

The way I treat others.

The way I treat myself.

My existence seems futile against the force of the universe.

For wasting my time.

Wasting my money.

Playing with my heart.

You’ve been forgiven.

But i cannot.

For the life of me.

Forgive

Were they twins?

Was it a package deal?

There is more to my personal closure than hearing those words I think I need to hear. 

My soul is tired of being angry and sad all the time. 

Things must change. 

Mother’s Day is extremely hard for me. For some reason, with all of the “miscarriage mothers are mothers, too,” Mother’s Day always makes me feel a sense of shame. 

I was supposed to keep her alive. 

I was supposed to know my body. 

I was supposed to save her. 

But I couldn’t. And now, every Mother’s Day, I can’t help but think:  “You’d get a Mommy post if you hadn’t let her die” 

“You’d be a mother if you cared about her.” 

“Maybe you’d actually feel something if you hadn’t let her die.” 

And I don't know if this feeling is normal... It has been 5 years; 6 in September. 

I still think about her constantly. 

Does this pain ever go away? 

Will I find happiness in my next child? 

Will I be capable of protecting and raising my next child without this feeling following me? 

I will hate it until I forgive myself. 

I will hate it until I forgive him. 

I will hate it until I forgive you not taking me with you. 

I love you, baby. I will always be your mother.