#readordont

Im not actually fussed if this gets read or not but i think this may me alot with everything thats going on in my life. Im one of those people whos mind can run a million miles per minute but i can actually voice all of it verbally. 

let me bring you to speed a little though. 

Last year i broke up with Steve but im going to call him S in this cause i just dont like that name much anymore. it was a 10 year relation we met when i was 16 and he was 19 everything started off great but eventually true colours show. in the span of 10 years i was cheated on twice - S and his ex gf both occasions and yes i know why did i take him back? because i was a dumbass young and naive. i was told what to eat and how to eat it, who i can and cannot talk to, i was on time limits on when to be home by and if i was late i was up to something. i was called a number of names daily and he spent my money on gambling daily. I was forced to have sex numerous times even though i said no. i got abused by his sisters and even through all this i still stayed.

But hey i finally got the courage didnt I ? thats gotta count for something i hope. Im quite happy now - ive never felt more free. i have a wonderful new bf - Hes going to be called V and hes the most amazing person ive ever met.

But yeah anyway back to it whenever i feel like my heads to full of things i cant verbalize im going to post here so read dont read its not for you but me in the end.

Sometimes even though I’m surround by people that love and support me - I just feel alone & i don’t understand why. I just get quiet and sad, it feels like there’s no one that would understand anything about me, why i do certain things and sometimes hardly talk. i don’t talk much on a good day anyway I’m always quiet - I’d rather observe then participate. 

Sometimes i get pretty down i wish terrible things would happen to me, like a car accident or something like that. I know its wrong but i control how my mind works. I don’t think that means im depressed or suicidal. I just feel so confined within myself and i have no where to escape whether im sitting on my own or surrounded by a group of people - it makes no sense to me.