almost daily musings of a (mostly) sad lady

I’m reluctantly adding this life update. Reluctant because I haven’t felt like analyzing my life lately. I stopped the supplements. I was taking 5-HTP and GABA. My anxiety got really bad. I don’t know if it was the supplements or benzo withdrawal syndrome, but on May 31, my anxiety was so bad that I had to take a Klonopin. I haven’t had or needed any since then. I lost ten pounds because I was unable to eat due to horrible anxiety. My anxiety has since calmed down and I’ve returned to my new lower baseline. I’m going to restart the supplements today and see if I do any better. I was at J’s House the other night and she asked, “What are we?” I told her I didn’t know. I honestly don’t. Neither does she because I brought it up again later in the night and she also didn’t have an answer. We are both clearly still reluctant to label our relationship. I don’t think I want a girlfriend. I’m fine keeping things at a distance. I’m constantly waiting for her to be done with me. I know that day is coming. It’s just a matter of time. I’m not willing to give my everything. I’m keeping my secrets. I prefer it that way. Sometimes I want to be with her so much. I want to breathe her in and occupy her. Other times I don’t even want to talk to her. It’s hella confusing. I try to hide all that from her because I don’t want to jerk anyone around. Mostly I don’t even feel bad about my feelings. I like having someone to have sex with on a semi-regular basis and that’s basically it. I don’t feel bad about that either because I’m actually really good in bed and she’s the one who’s benefiting. I’d only feel bad about it if she made it clear that she wanted a relationship and I was denying her that.

J isn’t talking to me. I made an inconsequential error at work and I felt bad about it. I told her what I did and how I felt bad about having made a mistake. She then flipped her switch and turned into a therapist. She lectured me up one side and down the other. It kind of pissed me off because she was saying things like, “You’re a perfectionist and that’s apparent.” Nothing too bad. It’s just the way she says things to me. It’s nothing I don’t know. I don’t deny any of it. Anyway, because it kind of made me mad, I didn’t respond right away and then a patient came in to get her night meds. J called me while I was with the patient and I couldn’t answer the phone. It was maybe five minutes. I called her back after the patient left, but she didn’t pick up the phone. I also texted her, but she hasn’t responded. I’m fine with it. This is why I don’t like to fuck with people. If she wants to talk with me, that’s fine. I’m not really caring right now. It takes too much energy. She had invited me to come over and spend the night after I get off of work. I didn’t really want to because I’ve been so tired. I’ve been working so much that I feel like I’m never home. I guess I don’t have to worry about going over there now, huh? My anxiety is stable lately. That’s the best way I can describe it. I haven’t had any Klonopin. I’m finally off of it.

I laughed a bit when I read this, but so very relatable.

I’m working on the detox unit tonight and tomorrow night. I don’t like this unit at all. It sends my anxiety into a tailspin. I didn’t sleep well today either. When I did sleep, I had bad dreams about work. It occupies my mind when I have to work over here, but it’s part of the job. I have to take my turn. Most of us do. Some people (including J) never have to work on detox and I’m not sure how they’ve arranged that. I don’t bring it up with J because it pisses me off. I’d rather just not talk about it than risk saying something I’ll regret. I just suck it up and do my time like most everyone else. I don’t like it over here because the patients trigger me, honestly. All patients come to this unit when they first arrive at the treatment center. The patients are demanding and child-like because they are just beginning treatment and are often going through withdrawals and/or not stable on medications at all. They are sick or they wouldn’t be here. They trigger me because I’m not stable. I need treatment and I know it. Interacting with them and having to be an authority figure as the detox nurse is often difficult for me to do. Because of their acute issues, it is necessary that I have an authoritarian relationship with them. It eases up after they’ve been here a couple of days and can transfer to the regular unit. When both you and your patient are experiencing many of the same anxiety and depression symptoms, it’s hard to be for them what they need you to be. I’m holding it together for now. One lady in particular almost set me off tonight. I had to mentally step back, collect myself, choose a rigid course of action, and lay down the law. It went better than I thought it would. I’m thankful I don’t have any admissions tonight. That’s rare on detox. I’m trying to appreciate it while it lasts. Now if only the electronic charting program would only work...

Fucking lecturing me about how maladaptive it is for me to be anxious doesn’t. Fucking. Help. My. Anxiety. I’d give anything to not be like this. Comparing me to a narcissist leaves me feeling angry and hurt. This is why I’m glad I continue to keep most of my secrets. It’s still about self-preservation.

In my defense, I never told them I was straight either.

I’m starting on two supplements today for depression and anxiety: 5-HTP and GABA. I’ve been doing some research online and I want to try these instead of going back on my prescriptions. I was on Cymbalta and Geodon. It took a while to detox from these medications and the withdrawals were hell. If I can find something else that will work as an alternative, I’m willing to try it. If they don’t work or make me feel worse, I’ll find a new psychiatrist (mine retired) and go back on the scripts. I’m not anti-pharma at all; I’d just like to try something that won’t cause dependency. I’ve tried supplements before and it didn’t go well at all, so we’ll see. I’m not completely off of Klonopin yet. I’m prescribed 0.5 mg four times a day, but I’m down to 0.5 mg every 2-3 days. Klonopin (clonazepam) is a benzodiazepine and it can be difficult to quit benzos, especially if you’ve been on them for an extended period of time. I’ve been on Klonopin for almost six years. I’m not sure if the benzodiazepine detox tapers that we use at work are all that effective. We detox people in about five days and that seems so fast to me. I’ve read that it can take weeks or months to adequately detox from Klonopin. I’ve been working on it. I want to try clonidine instead. We use it a lot at work. It’s not habit-forming. My new lady is on clonidine. She has asked me to spend the night at her place tonight. I accepted. I’m looking forward to being around her in private. I don’t know what to call her on here. It was easy to come up with an alias for Girl; she’s very much a girl. She’s immature in many ways, but this new woman is different. She’s harder to define. I think I’ll go with “J” for several unspoken reasons. I feel goofy about coming up with a label for her, but it’s obviously necessary for privacy.