if i get too close

sorry i literally cannot communicate when we're speaking, i just need a second to gather my thoughts and pull shit together before i can respond.

i've been asking myself the same question for a while now. on the sideblog i did say we were basically dating back in november. so then why does it still matter to me to wait? especially if it's something we both want. because it still feels like matters somewhere in my gut.

you're right in that no matter what happens, if this were to end it would feel like a breakup, no matter what i say. you're right in that if we threw a label on things, nothing, in a practical sense, between us would be different. just a word. a few words different, and an easier explanation to friends and family, and a less nebulous idea of what we are to each other.

i hear you, i know that, and still it feels different. i had all of these rules before about not doing long distance because it's hard and you have to be uber communicative and because i just don't think it's sustainable if there's no Actual End Date. i didn't want to start something long distance with you because i didn't think it was fair to us, and then obviously we did. here we are.

i wanted to keep the physical thing at an arm's length (haha literally) because i was worried about how it would hurt if i got that once and never again. obviously that didn't go according to plan either.

i wanted you too much then and i want this too much now. i can't stop the feelings and i can't stop wanting you and so what is the point in waiting if everything is gonna be exactly the same? what is the point in holding out here about this?

i'm not fully certain, truthfully. but i feel, somehow, that after i hear back and know where i'm going to be, whether it's at school or still here, figuring out a way to leave home, we can figure things out easier.

and i have all these plans and silly as it may be, i want to ask you in a special way and i want it to be face to face and i really really really don't want it to be as the result of a conversation where both of us walk away sad.

this morning on my drive to work i was really just like "well fuck it. if this will prove to her that i'm in this and i'm committed, then that's the most important thing. that she believes me and she's not hurting and she's sure. that she knows i'm sure about her."

i am so sure about you, asha. that's not the problem. that's never been in doubt. the way i want you, the way i fell into this and grew into love with you, there is no doubt in my mind that this is what i want. as much as u don't want to talk about a future, i can still see us, five/ten/fifteen years from now and me holding your hand and being the person who gets your good news first and falling asleep beside you/under you/on you. you're everything i've wanted. that's all true.

it's the way i'm completely rudderless that is the issue. i am really really stuck here and i need some time to be unstuck so that i can be sure i don't bring u down with me.

that's what it's coming down to for me maybe more than anything, and i can already sort of predict your reaction and how you aren't going to think it's a big deal, and jesus i am inadvertently hurting you anyway, or you are being hurt by the situation or Whatever, but i just want to be good so that i can be good for you too. i don't want to be at the bottom of this pit like i have been for the rest of this. i don't want, five years from now, to be like "jesus i was miserable and you were the only good thing in my life", as true as that might be. i want to be able to look back and say "wow do u remember how much work we put in and how happy we were?"

i don't know how much of this is wanted or warranted or if all of it is just something that you'll roll your eyes at. a lot of it is recycled and i know you don't want that, so i don't really know if this is helpful or if it is something else that just hurts and makes you pull away from me again. i hope not.

if you don't want me to talk about the future for the time being, that's fine. if you don't want to believe that i am in this with you, then, as much as it sucks & feels a bit like a suckerpunch, i'll have to be okay with it until you feel like you can just trust that i want this.

i don't feel secure in my head, i don't think i am my healthiest self, or even a good version of myself right now honestly, and you deserve the best parts of me, and i want to do that work. for everyone involved. you make me so happy, but i need to not feel completely hollow the rest of the time too. i need to not be dragging myself to talk to people i love, not make that a part of my daily to-do list, i need to be more present, and i'm working on it. my new year's resolution is systems of self care, emotional and physical and social. i'm leaning into it. but it's going to take me a sec. i want to be good on my own, and i want to be good for you.

i do think we're going to figure it out. but figuring it out looks really different if i am guaranteed a place close to you vs if we have to push for it to happen. either way i want it. i just want to see how hard i'm going to have to claw my way to you from where i am right now. 

i'm in this. we're not seeing anyone else on either side, we are in love. when i ask you to be my girlfriend, i just want to have an idea of what the future is going to look like and right now everything is completely obscured. even without the label, i am committed to you, i've been committed to you and to what you want and to this since literally october. i want to be on your team.

you said something about "why not just enjoy this now before we take away the chance from ourselves" and i really think we have time. i really think we have space to luxuriate in this, if we want. i don't think there's a rush. my feelings don't just switch off. i want you now and i'll want you for a long time.

i just need a second, i need to be able to see even just the next six months a bit more clearly.

and i don't want to be the only one making decisions here, so let me know what this does for you and if it changes anything/if you need anything changed, but i think i do need to keep this as something i don't break, unlike all of the other rules. as much as everything in me is sort of Yelling at me to just make you happy and give you what you want and make sure you don't hurt because of this. i think i need this a little bit to make sure i can prepare myself for whatever is coming next. not how i feel about you, but how we make it work for both of us.

i love her friends, and they are being so sweet to me and to her and to Us, teasing and i caught one of her friends smiling at our interaction and her other friend keeps talking to me and being so friendly and nice and i know they were both really worried for a while. it's nice to be around people who know and to have them smile at us.

i know things are complicated. sex and physical intimacy is always complicated, and i knew she had history there beyond the fact that sex is a tricky place to navigate. but she opened way up last night about her history and how she feels about it with me and i told her i want to go slow and steady because the build up is more fun anyway. i want her to feel good. i want her to feel safe with me. there is no rush and there is no pressure and we are in it together.

there was one point where i was wondering how i'd be able to actually cope & that maybe i'd break down and just kiss her, and she said in this quiet voice that hit me straight in the stomach, sent shivers down through all of me: you can do whatever you want with me.

i couldn't breathe.

i want her so badly. i want to do so much to her. i want nothing more than to touch her and to hear her exhale quietly in my ear the way she does, to hear her moan and to say my name in that breathy way she does sometimes in voice messages that make me replay them over and over and over. i want her nails scratching at my shoulders and her hands in my hair, and i want to kiss up her neck and suck little bruises across her chest.

i want to hold her and have her put my hands where she wants them. i want to tell her how good she is and how pretty she is for me. i want to have my hand on her neck and i want her to look up at me with her beautiful brown eyes, the way she does with that gleam they have, and tell me what she wants, tell me how she likes it. i want her under me, panting and breathing hard and flushed and happy and satisfied, and i want her to be able to reach down and feel just how happy and satisfied she makes me because god i cannot control it. i cannot control myself.

last night was fun because i was right, mostly, about how she's going to be in bed. i've always figured she'd be a bit of a brat, that she'd talk back a little, but ultimately want to be held down and touched and made to feel good and told how good she is. i want to do that. i want to shut her up and turn her brain off and touch her until she can only think about me and focus on me and on how good she feels.

it's been a while since ive written anything because things have been busy and sad and hard with apps (but most are in!) and then i was really upset about the thought of this thing with her never actually getting a fair shot. but she's so patient with me and she takes her time and she comforts me and even if she doesn't know what i need right away, she wants to know for next time, she wants to be good for me too. it feels Huge. i don't think ive let anyone else love me like this. i don't know that i've ever felt like i could be known like this, let alone loved.

she does though. and i never doubt it with her.

it's been a little weird when we were going to hang up this weekend, every night, and when i started our old song and dance of eyebrow gestures and quiet, go-ahead style hms, but she was less receptive than she's been. i knew she'd bring it up eventually so i didn't push, and then sunday night she Did.

she's been sad generally i think, in her head a bit about this and truthfully how can i blame her. i have too.

she was right; i got secure which was a shock honestly, because i still think i'm pretty anxious generally in terms of overthinking everyone else's responses to me and reading in to conversations and trying to figure out how people Feel About Me. emotional regulation on other people's behalfs and trying to find how i fit, etc etc.

but genuinely i think this situation, how badly i want it to work out, and her encouragement, gentle reminders of love & care & interest are making things better?

because i feel the most connected to my friends in a while, like theyre actually interested in hearing what i have to say, and funnily enough it just took having something Serious to tell them to make me realize that. i also reached out to more people and i'm keeping in touch w them so much more regularly (anu, fran, pooj, ben, and then others too: ivy, jasmine, mei even) in really fulfilling ways that i wasn't doing before, and feeling seen and heard and listened to. and i Know i have other people who are there for Life (julia, olivia, lionel, adam) but we're just not as good at communicating. so all of that, the positive reinforcement and love from my long time friends, has been really reaffirming and making me feel less utterly miserable. and then talking about apps and stuff w anu and fran, having her tell me she's proud of me overall has been really big.

and when ive started spiraling lately i really do just send someone a message and suddenly there is a reassuring presence to make me feel less alone.

this situation w her made me realize i have support systems in place and they Want to support me. and i love these people so much, and for so long that i have no reason not to believe them and take the support they offer. which is really really cool.

and the same goes for her. when she tells me she loves me i have no reason not to believe her. she has been one of the most steadfast solid Consistent relationships ive had for the past five years, and she hits All of my love langauages so easily and she wants to take care of me the way i want to take care of her and i just feel really loved. in every way i like to be loved. i can't even describe How she hits all of my love languages but she does somehow.

(i wrote it down anyway. i'm so so in love)

i just talked to you for three minutes and the only thing i could think for the next half hour was how i fall more and more in love with you every day. i am so in love with you. i used to hate the idea of falling in love and the lack of control with it and all of that, and i've been in love but even that was such a slow and sustained fall, over so much time, and this is different, because as enduring as our love for each other has been, it has become so wonderfully different in so many ways and that part feels like the falling. im just getting deeper and deeper in it.

she told her mom about how she loves me, and it made her mother cry. i told my little brother and he smiled at me, and he's a lot taller than me now, he's bigger, but he's still a kid to me and he still looked a little shy and awed.

it's pretty incredible. it's a pretty wonderful thing to have people come up to me asking about her. i want to be the authority on where she is; i want to be the one people ask when they want news of her.

and she missed me too. she said she could picture how i'd react to conversations, that she knew when i'd want to step in.

the thing everyone says is: fall in love with your best friend. over and over, it's a refrain. and it is so fucking scary for me, the love i have for her, the love she has for me. what it will do to our friendship. but there's another part of this, beyond the parts that feel so sacred i can barely wrap my mind around it (she loves me she loves me she loves me), and that's the part where we tease each other about our feelings and joke that we need to calm down and talk about how we'd react if we were on the outside of it all. and i sit and watch the messages come in with such a smile on my face.

i know this rush of heady giddiness will subside with time. but i also know that she's been my best friend for longer than i've been in love with her. and i know i've always smiled when i've seen her bame pop up in my notifications and i've always put aside hours of my day to dedicate to her and i've always wanted to spend time with her. anywhere in the world.