Hybrid Machine

Went overseas to see ext. fam on my terms. My partner met them too. It was a challenging but healing time and for once my feelings around family felt "normal", not disconnected/distressed.

Despite work challenges, being open about my ND and seeking accommodations has been heard and I feel supported. Im doing well with my client base, learning is rewarding. I may get 4-days instead of 3 so there's hope for $ ease.

Ive been more prosocial and proactive with organising outings, or family face time (which used to give me intense anxiety). Feeling less lonely.

Lots of social justice thoughts but it actively feels like its invigorating my brain towards education, community, collaboration, kindness, giving. Its a blurred edge away from feelings of despair or exhaustion, but I think they work in tandem to fuel the fire of progress. Adversity breeds empathy.

There's some other aspects that im struggling with, but I have come so far, and I have so many more tools, supports and perspectives.

I've also realised that a lot of my previous anxiety may have been from formatting myself (masking) to my friends, family, peers. And now the stage after trauma healing is actually quite annoying. Because boundaries become very apparent. Internal emotions become more accessible and translatable. And doing my own thing just becomes far more interesting than whatever else society wants me to do. Special interest alert. I'm doing a balancing act of compromising what I need to for income (high masking), and important people (medium masking), but when I'm alone it's so so precious because there is no masking. No talking. Just in my head. Reading. Reflecting. Minimal chats with partner.

And there is guilt around attempting to explain this to family/friends in a tactful way that isn't going to hurt their feelings. The truth is, I just don't want to see or talk to people on a regular basis. I do it already for work and by then I'm worn out. I could go 6 months, a year, 2 years without talking. Absolutely fine. My frequency does not align with most and it makes me feel like the bad guy.

Perhaps it'd look different with less demanding work. Or less demanding friends. Parallel play friends. Or friends also interested in my special interest.

It's just weird.

Edit 10 mins later: