all things go.

Astrid: You know how I am, River. You know how I feel about saying those exact words.

Astrid: Just because I didn't say it back doesn't mean we broke up.

River: How am I supposed to date someone who I love that doesn't love me?

Astrid: Hey

Astrid: No, we are not broken up. Why are you saying that?

Honey forced a smile at Will’s words, she gave up on the idea of love long time ago, she was convinced no decent guy would be want to be with her. She was just good fuck, that was all. Her behavior towards sex didn’t help her situation either, at this point she couldn’t blame anyone for assuming certain things about her. Clearly, Will was the exact opposite of her in that sense, which was why he wasn’t really interested in her back in high school. 

“I totally agree.” She beamed, smiling. Honey couldn’t help but laugh once she saw Will’s reaction when she brought up kissing him. “I don’t know…” The blonde started with a shrug, pursing her lips together playfully. “If I had kissed you, we would’ve hooked up there, then left. You wouldn’t have taken me out for a dinner.” Honey mused, feeling herself getting tipsier. “And that would be a shame because this is so nice.. You know, talking to you and having wine together…” Her voice trailed off, bright smile still present.

Will wasn’t used to being lusted--or sought--after in any sense of the word. He was awkward at best. A growing mess of limbs and long hair, scruffy locks parted across the side of his forehead and pushed to the side. He was tall, gangly, and not quite used to his new found height. And Honey... well, she was the opposite. She was put together, or at least seemed to be. She was in control, poised, and knew what she wanted. Will couldn’t keep his thoughts straight as his mind raced. But he offered her a genuine smile all the same. 

River: Um, hello.

“Like I said, I wouldn’t know, you are probably right.” She shrugged her shoulders, smiling. When it came to sex, Honey didn’t really need to have a mutual trust to explore, she’s always let guys do whatever they wanted even if she didn’t feel like it. As sad as it sounded, Honey was convinced that sex was the only thing she could offer, so she didn’t want to mess with that illusion by stating her needs and wants, she was just happy to submit. “That’s true. You shouldn’t quit trying because you got rejected once or twice.” Again, Honey couldn’t wrap her head around it, why would anyone reject a guy like Will? “You are so kind to me.” Finally feeling a tad tipsy, she leaned forward and touched his nose. 

His words made so much sense, she shouldn’t accept anything less than the best in theory but it was hard for Honey to follow that mindset after all those disappointing moments she’d faced in the past. She didn’t say anything, she flashed a big smile instead, she didn’t want to ruin this moment. Still smiling, she reached for the glass and took a generous sip from her wine. Honey was about to confess something else but the moment was interrupted by the waiter, he finally brought their meals. She thanked him with a nod, then shifted her gaze to Will, smiling. “You know,” she started playfully, very much determined to tell whatever she’d been thinking since the beginning of the evening. “I was going to kiss you in Emma’s studio but I am glad that I didn’t.”

“Well, I hope sometime soon you get to find out just how great love can be.” He hummed casually, returning her gentle smile. Sex had always come with love to Will Bloom, not the other way around. He was often falling in love--daily--with things, people, places, and new experiences. But when it came to hooking up, it was never really his forte. He would much rather grow with someone in all aspects of life, things in the bedroom included. In fact, the only full hookup that Will ever had was with Honey, and he had always wished it was more than just that.

hxnest-man‌:

River found it hard to believe she felt the same way. He reasoned that if she loved him, too, she would say it back to him with no hesitation. However, he also knew that Astrid approached love–and feelings in general–differently than he did. He respected that, he always had, but it didn’t change the fact that it still hurt. “Why can’t you say it back, then, Astrid?” He inquired softly, tilting his head sideways slightly. “I know that opening up to someone can be scary.” He empathized, hand settling into hers, not wanting to be apart from her anymore. “I don’t know why that voice is there, but try not to listen to them. I would belittle or judge your thoughts or feelings- ever. It all relates to me just wanting you to be sincere with me, no matter what that means. Hiding feelings and hoping they’ll go away because you don’t know how to speak them often leads in heartbreak either for yourself or others. Just… let them fall out of your brain; whatever you’re feeling.”

“I don’t know.” She finally said after a long silence, shrugging her shoulders. It’s not like she didn’t feel the same because she really did. No matter how many times she told herself River was different than every other guy she’s been with, part of her was still suspicious. Once again, Astrid hated her parents for telling her showing emotion was a sign of weakness. “The voice is always there.” She sighed quietly, taking his other hand into hers. “It’s just.. I’ve always believed I should be rational and in control of my emotions. I don’t know.. I always assume people will look down on once they know how I really feel. I know you are not like that, I really do but this is a habit that I can’t break.” Astrid sighing again, looking down instead of making an eye contact. 

“This is the lamest concept I’ve ever heard in my life.” Rebecca said out loud, not talking to someone particular. Was it wise to shit talk about the concept while she was waiting for her audition? Absolutely not. However, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if she missed this opportunity, after all this wasn’t Swan Lake, it was just a stupid music video. No matter how many times Becca has been told to keep her thoughts to herself (especially when she needed to make some money), she never stopped herself from stating her opinions. And this day wasn’t an exception. @hxnest-man

Astrid looked at him, her smile slowly faded. She hated being like this, she hated being this cold and unapproachable. Once again she was deeply jealous of people who would express their feelings without a worry, why wasn’t she one of them? With a deep sigh, she looked at him again, trying to read what he was really thinking in this very moment. Perhaps it would be a lot easier if he yelled at her or said something hurtful but no, he simply tried to understand her feelings, which made Astrid feel even worse. “Don’t be discouraged.” How could he not though? Especially after this. “I do. I really do feel the same.” She held his hands again, trying to sound as sincere as possible. “It’s just… hard for me to open up like you do. I can’t put my feelings into words, I wish I could but whenever open my mouth, I hear a voice inside my head telling me not to do it.”

“I wouldn’t know much about that, I have never been in a relationship. I have had some random hooks up that I enjoyed so much though, I gotta admit.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Me rejectin’ you? Come on.” Then again maybe it was the right decision because given her reputation in high school, there was a big chance things would go down south after a while, he would find a better girl eventually and leave her, because that’s how the story goes for Honey. First impressions- that’s all she got, guys soon realized there wasn’t not much behind the tight tops and perfect make-up. “You are literally the only person who thinks that. Trust me, if I was that beautiful or interestin’, I would live a completely different life.” 

“No, I am not being hard on myself. I just how it is.” While she was mostly happy with who she was, there were moment she’d wished she was more smarter. “You hurt and I get in trouble too often. But we are who we are, maybe we should just accept it, rather than fight it.” That was the only advice she could offer. Honey smiled again, taking another sip from her wine and finished it. “Playing safe is dumb, why would you do it? Life is too short for that.”

His brows furrowed together, head tilting to the side. “Really?” He inquired, finding it hard to believe that someone as beautiful as Honey had never been with someone officially. “Hooking up is great, sure... But it’s even better when you’re with someone you care about. When there’s mutual trust and room to explore...” He suggested coyly, smirking. “Yes, you rejecting me. I dunno, I was more timid about that sort of thing when I was in high school. Nowadays, it doesn’t matter much if I get rejected because hey, at least I tried.” He offered her a shrug, adding, “I’m definitely not. Sometimes the life we lead is based on circumstance, it has nothing to do with how great you are. I promise.”

Astrid released a long, deep breath and shook her head at herself. Why didn’t she just say it back? Why was it so hard for her to open up? She could blame it on her parents, she could blame it on her upbringing but they were simply excuses. It was all because of her own cold nature, her inability to open up because she was too paranoid for her own good. Now she made River upset, which caused another sigh. “Hey, hey, hey.” She quickly held his both hands and pulled him closer. “Don’t say that.” Astrid said softly. 

“Are you mad at me?” She asked after a few seconds of silence, worried.

“You’ve always been a great person River, you really didn’t need much help in that department.” Astrid admitted with a shrug. On the other hand, it was the opposite for her, she still had a long way to go. “Thanks for the encouragement though, I really appreciate it.” She smiled against his lips. As River continued, Astrid’s heart started beating faster because she knew where all this was going. While she had strong feelings for him, she was also afraid because Astrid didn’t know how to put those words together. The only right reaction was saying those words back, there was no other option. Swallowing hard, her eyes watched him finally saying those words, which only brought a smile to her lips, yet she still couldn’t say anything. After a moment of silence, she rested her hand against his cheek again and smiled, “Me too.” Well, if that wasn’t a weak answer, I don’t know what it was.

“I don’t really know the other way.” She shrugged. There’s always been something more relevant or important in Astrid’s life, it almost felt like she’d spent her life to impress someone, whether it was her parents or a cool friend. Chuckling playfully, she shook her head. “Don’t be silly, I can wire anyone into the perfect man.” Of course she was just joking, Astrid was very much aware of the fact there wasn’t such a thing as perfect person. “I will keep that in mind.” Astrid wrapped her arms around him, keeping him close. “I don’t even want to imagine that.” She admitted softly. “I would be so lost without you.” It was evident that River was a good influence on Astrid, he was bringing out the best in her. “Good because if anyone would ever try to occupy that space, I would kill them.” She teased, letting out a quiet chuckle.

“Don’t be sorry.” She shrugged. “I don’t think it’s important. It’s just sex, not a big deal.” Honey was very casual about the whole thing. However, as Will continued, her brow raised in surprise. She wanted to believe him but god, why was it so hard for Honey to believe that? She simply couldn’t see any reason for Will to care about her at all. It didn’t make any sense. 

“You did? Why didn’t you say something then?” Though she hardly believed things would’ve been any different even if he’d told her, they lived completely different lives back then, just like they do now. “Please…” Honey rolled her eyes playfully. “You were a good looking guy, half of the school were looking at you that way.” She chuckled, finishing her wine. “You are not alone there because I am the same. I feel like acting dumb is part of my nature. I make bad decision all the time. I never think, I just do whatever my heart desires.”

He shrugged in return, “I mean, I guess so. But in my opinion, sex is always more enjoyable when there’s mutual trust, respect, and care involved. Random hookups are never as enjoyable as when it means something.” He hummed, drumming his fingertips against the table casually. He cocked a brow at her question, chuckling to himself. “I didn’t see the point, I guess. I was so used to being hurt... and having my feelings not reciprocated... that I just.. didn’t want to put myself on the line when I thought you’d reject me. I mean, you’re beautiful, Honey. And while I appreciate the compliment, I’m more ‘lost puppy dog’ cute. You’re ‘the room disappears when you walk in’ beautiful. I never thought you’d be interested in me.” Will admitted softly, never expecting to open up to her this way so quickly.

“I see.” She didn’t want to pry, obviously it wasn’t a pleasant conversation for Will. Honey chuckled at the sight of his cheeks. “For some people first time is very important.” Which she never understood why. “Mine was so quick and boring. I was like fourteen or somethin’.” The guy was a lot older than Honey, but of course she didn’t bring that up, because whenever she did, she would end up receiving a long ass speech about how wrong it was. 

She smiled again, this time resting her hand on his. “Like is a stretch because I didn’t know you but I’ve always found you cute.” Honey shrugged, moving her hand away. “I knew you were there because my friend told me. Jeez, this sounded a little bit stalker-ish.” With a laugh, she shook her head. “We were seventeen though, we were allowed to act dumb.”

He bit down on the inside of his cheek, thankful she didn’t press the matter further. Talking about that time of his life was difficult for him and would definitely kill the mood, which had already taken a strange turn of events since they sat down. “I mean, I can see how to most people their first time is important.” He shrugged, adding. “I’m sorry yours was quick and boring. The memory of mine might be a bit fuzzy, but it was still special because I cared about the person I was doing it with- and still do.” He finished his cup of wine, the vulnerability of the conversation making his leg bounce a bit anxiously under the table.

“As far as I remember you were in a relationship.. So I thought you were gettin’ laid all the time.” What an amazing way to put it. “Everything else meaning you went down on someone? Or are we talking about dry humping?” She teased, letting out another chuckle. When it came to sex, Honey was terribly open and loud, perhaps it’s because she believed she didn’t have anything else to offer. 

Placing her hand against her cheek, Honey listened to him, chuckling as she noticed his red cheeks. “I am not going to lie, it really did.” She shrugged her shoulders. “But it’s fine, like you said, it was a long time ago.” She chuckled at his last words, as much as she wanted to believe him, part of her was keeping her cynical. “Since we are confessin’, maybe I should confess something too.” Honey mused, taking another large sip from her wine. “I had a crush on you back then. Like the only reason I went to that party because I’d heard you were there.”

Clicking his tongue, he shook his head. “We weren’t technically dating. It was complicated; I’m glad it’s over.” He laughed, offering a simple shrug. He laughed once more, blushing at her bluntness; Will was just used to not talking about sex so openly. “Yes, I have gone down on someone, and they have in return, gone down on me. Dry humping, too, might as well be honest now that we’ve descended into this topic.” He mused softly, almost embarrassed and took another long sip of wine. “Everything other than actual fucking... I did it all.” He blurted out in a hushed tone, taking a lesson in bluntness from her.