Stars & Black Holes

Panicked bliss- You’re at a manic all time high. You feel so good that you don’t cancel plans with friends but instead eagerly await them. You walk alongside your friend in a perfect dress and you get why people like summer so much. You make soft plans for the future. You wonder what act of God will bridge the physical distance between you two. You seem to float, and feel less anxious around others. 

The seeds of doubt- He is in your city. Even though you’re not there, he doesn’t know that and doesn’t care to find out. You think about how telling a girl you’ll see them again sometime is the polite way of saying thanks for letting me *** in your mouth, you were awfully convenient. You realize you tarnished your reputation for nothing. Now you’ll have to endure the snide remarks of friends who are delighted at having one more thing over you. You’ll be thought of as a slut even though that was your first to second time. You realize people have a morbid interest in the sex lives of those they deem unattractive.         

Comparison- By far the most damaging phase for the ego. You look at the kinds of girls he follows on Instagram. You dye your hair the same color as his favorite Instagram model. He begins liking Kylie Jenner’s pictures and you have to dye it once again. You wonder if you will see him before your roots grow out. You think about the ideal beauties of his culture.  It hits you that no matter how interesting a guy seems, no matter how radical his politics, no matter how weird he claims to be, they *all* like the same girls. You go from feeling desirable in your sex flashbacks, to the stomach dropping realization that he would have fucked anyone at that moment. You daydream about acquiring enough money to undergo exquisite plastic surgery. After all, it was only your nose or your lack of cheekbones that were holding you back. Surely he would have kissed you while inside of you if your skin was clearer. You think about his parents, and how much they would hate you. They didn’t work all their lives for him to end up with you of all people. You repulse all parents. A woman who can neither cook nor drive. Not beautiful enough for offspring. Not white enough to lighten a colored bloodline.  Even though he claims to be at odds with his parents, you know he’s ultimately cowardly and cares about their opinions. You then have to think about his friends. He wants to impress them too. You realize how weak men are. That women have ultimately always been the fearless ones, the rebels, the ones with balls.  You realize how much you loathe boys you are attracted to. 

not my photo just my blue 

My brain: you know.. .. what would…. solve that…. ;))

Me: I beg you please shut up