From the Heart to the World

There are times when I question what will or has happen to me is deliberate or just pure coincidence. That either someone just wants to watch me suffer or I happen to stumble upon it at the wrong time - which either case, it goes wrong.

So far I haven't felt anything else but frustration and anger in the past months; my normal go-to's aren't keeping me satisfied and calm enough to enjoy life. All I feel now is just the fighting stage of defending myself any time I feel threaten by something, no matter how big or small, direct or indirect, the action is. What's worse is the feeling of not being able to vent it - especially to another living soul.

Yes venting can be a good thing, but constant venting is a demon of its own. For all the things that I've dealt with so far, I feel that my venting to my friends is more of a burden on them than a relief for myself; that it is all I talk about to them 90% of the time. I don't want to do that to them yet it is hard to keep holding that madness in while I get bombarded some more every day.

Thoughts running through my head. Endless questions unanswered. Too many worries to know what is real and what is fantasy. A madness that never seems to end and continues to broil and grow like a parasite on fresh grounds.

Those thoughts are what drive me to keep moving forward…. But they also linger like a shadow of my past coming back to haunt me. A shadow that never seems to want to leave.

At times, I feel that what I do in life doesn’t seem to be enough. That my skills are just mediocre at best in everything, but with no central area of intelligence to forge upon and make stronger. No matter how hard I try, my mind shorts itself and gives up the moment something goes wrong. No matter how much I push, I never seem to make one thing right up to the end… I stop the moment it either barely works or never works at all.

For all these short comings, I always wonder how my friends do it. How is it that they enjoy the life they currently live? How do they excel in the talents that were given to them? Questions I have no answers to, and ones that the answers themselves are too difficult to describe. Unanswered questions that lead me to feel jealous and hurt inside that I cannot reach to their level of potential. I feel I crawl behind everyone, struggling to reach the next goal while they fly through it all.

To my wondering mind… Why does it feel that the friendships I’ve made are slowly rotting away…. I don’t get the interactions I once had while in school. Indeed, work life takes our time away, but even then, why do I feel that distance is getting bigger? Why do I feel that it’s only a matter of time where I only have family that will care…. Why do I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life…

And of all things to consider…… Who will love this poor body and soul that had mentally fought against itself for more than a decade? Who will love this body that is not capable as it once was? Who will love the mental and intellectual mind that sits inside this shell of isolation?

This night.... isn’t like any other night. Not just about what the near future would be... but also the far out future. What the demons we have been trying to defeat are now gaining strength. We are on the edge of a knife.

I don’t want to live in a future where expectations are suppose to be met by someone else and not by my own choice. That is slavery in itself. I want to be where I want to be. I want to hang with the people I love. I want to date with the girl I like. I want to sleep with my partner that I love. I don’t want someone else to dictate my life for me.