it’s the third week of your senior year of university and you were walking to class, half asleep due to your heavy lack of rest (average uni student activities). just as you check your phone for the time, a firm body bumps into you, knocking you to the ground. 

“oh my god, i’m so sorry! i didn’t see you there,” his voice, as sweet as honey, calls out to you. you only notice his appearance once he reaches his hand out to help you up. his golden locks were flowing in the wind while big worried eyes stared down at you. with the way he was glowing, you could only assume that he was tapped by King Midas himself. your heart speeds up just by looking at him--god, is it even possible to look this adorable when worried? a couple of seconds pass and you realize that since you got lost in your little marvelling session, you had forgotten to answer him. immediately, you get right up and brush yourself off. “i’m fine, thanks.” you brush past him, hoping you don’t come across him and his gorgeous face again. 

what you don’t realize is that the cute stranger himself has plans of his own.

you finally get to your class, proud of yourself for successfully dodging that bullet of a boy. just as you’re settling into your seat, a wave of vanilla and musk fills your senses. when you turn to face the direction of the scent, you’re met with a familiar face.

“hey. you ran away from me pretty quick back there.”

this cannot be happening right now.

there he is, the mysterious stranger that brought you to your knees (literally and figuratively). the shock mixed with the rapid increase of your heart rate has you staring at him with your jaw slack. your silly reaction induces a small, boyish giggle to fall past the stranger’s lips. “what, cat got your tongue?” he asks with a slight lilt in his voice.

“what, no-- what? no! wait, how did you get here? were you always in this class? who are you?” as the jumble of words keep tumbling out of you, his teasing grin grows wider and wider, causing his dimples to peak through.

“okay, let me stop you right there so you don’t embarrass yourself.” he chuckles. “to answer your questions, i got here by walking, which you would have seen if you didn’t run away so fast. yes, i have always been in this class, but i usually sit at the back. and my name is jungwon. i’m a senior, but i’m taking this class as an elective.”

forcing yourself to stop gawking at him, you foster up the courage to respond. 

“oh.”

alright, maybe you were being a bit overzealous. you try to think of something else to say, but jungwon beats you to it.

“oh? is that all i get in return?” he asks with a mocking pout. there’s no malice behind his words; at this point he’s just teasing you for the fun of it. however, his reply helps you realize that there’s no reason for you to be acting like a shy little schoolgirl right now. jungwon is literally just a boy. you roll your eyes at him before responding, causing him to raise an eyebrow as his teasing grin returns.

“if you let me finish, i would’ve asked you why you decided to sit up front today, instead of sitting at the back, like you usually do,” you bite back at him. 

“i saw you sitting here at the front, and after knocking you over, i thought it would only make sense for me to sit next to you and make sure you were alright.”

“well, i’m fine. you can go back now,” you say without looking at him.

after a beat passes, he responds. “no. i want to sit here. you intrigue me.” with how quick it happened, you almost missed the way his gaze fled to your lips for a split second. key word: almost.

you’re about to tell him to just go to the back when your professor starts their lecture, cutting you off. jungwon smiles cheekily at you as he opens his laptop, getting ready to take notes. it’s okay, this is only a one time thing, you tell yourself. tomorrow, he won’t even remember this interaction, and you’ll be back to sitting by yourself. all alone. which is how it should be. right?

on the other hand, jungwon is having the time of his life. he’s seen you in class before, and with a face like yours, he knew you would cause him trouble. lucky for him, he loves a little bit of chaos. accidentally bumping into you gave him the perfect opportunity to get closer to you.

after class, jungwon goes up to your professor to ask them a question about the upcoming midterm, which you take as an opportunity to leave without having to talk to him again. as you’re rushing out, you hear him call out a loud wait!, which you effectively ignore.

jungwon hastily packs up his things to go after you, but to his dismay, you’re already lost in the sea of post-class students. he doesn’t mind though. tomorrow is a new day.

---

the next day, you sit in the front row of the class, prepared to listen, take notes, then leave without having to speak to anyone, just as usual. but, your plans are once again fumbled by the same blond haired boy.

when you hear the seat next to you being taken, you don’t even need to look. the scent of vanilla and mischief gives him away instantly.

“hi, pretty.”

still not looking at him, you answer back coldly while getting your laptop ready, “what are you doing? what happened to sitting at the back?” 

jungwon fakes hurt at your comments, clutching his chest like he was freshly wounded. “i told you, you intrigue me. so, i want to sit with you. also, you still haven’t told me your name.”

refusing to let this conversation go on for longer than it needs to, you give him your name.

jungwon smiles at you. “y/n. hm. suits you.” the fondness in his eyes catches you off guard, so you avert your eyes as subtly as possible, pretending to focus on your professor preparing to start the lecture. what you don’t see is jungwon still looking at you with a small smile on his face.

the lecture starts and ends just like any other class. you gather your belongings, ready to leave when jungwon stops you. 

“wait, y/n! don’t go yet,” he says hurriedly before you take your first step out the door. “yeah, jungwon, what’s up?” you reply apathetically.

“come with me.”

you blink at him, completely thrown off. “huh?”

“the midterm is next week, come study with me.” his tone is casual, as if you guys were best friends and this was normal. usually, you wouldn’t be opposed to a study session with a friend. that being said, you’ve had a weird feeling in your gut ever since you met jungwon yesterday. it’s the same feeling you had when you first met your ex. and if there’s one thing you’re sure of, it’s that you would do anything not to let that situation occur again.

“i don’t know…”

“pleeeeease. i need to study and i know i’ll be more motivated to study if i have you there with me! we can study together and help each other with the modules, pleasepleasepleaseplease” he’s practically begging at this point. those brown expressive orbs of his are so dangerous, but you won’t let them faze you…after this one time.

“fine, let’s go.” jungwon’s face lights up. deep dimples form on his cherubic cheeks, causing a strong bright blush to form on yours. 

oh yeah, this was a mistake.

---

the two of you reach the campus café and start the study session. everything was going normally, until jungwon needed help with a specific module. 

“it doesn’t make any sense! if DNA polymerase can only add nucleotides in one direction, how does it replicate both strands?” you let a smile slip at his endearing confusion, before moving closer to explain the concept to him. while pointing at the textbook diagrams, your fingers brush against his. your hand twitches before you move it away from jungwon’s own warm hand. as you finish clarifying everything, you glance at him to ensure he’s following. as you were so immersed in the topic, you didn’t realize how close you two had gotten. when you turn to him, your faces are only mere centimeters away. your eyes widen as you move back immediately and clear your throat. “uh, does that make more sense now?” you ask, averting your eyes. jungwon chuckles at your awkwardness. he leans back in his chair, tapping his pen. “that sounds… complicated. i don’t think i get it, you’re gonna have to explain it again.” he smirks at you.

you roll your eyes at him. “shut up, i know you understand now.”

“no, i don’t. i really need you to explain it to me again. just one more time, i swear.” good thing he didn’t swear on anyone important because jungwon is lying through his teeth and he knows it. he understood the material ten minutes ago. he just likes the way your voice sounds when you’re focused, the way you get all serious and smart. it makes his heart beat a little faster. not that you need to know that.

“alright, once more, and then i’m going back to my module.”

“sounds good, pretty.”

you feigned indifference at his words and explained the concept one more time, just as jungwon asked you to. after you finish simplifying it for him, you look at him and are shocked to see that he’s already looking at you. again, you pretend you don’t notice. “do you get it now? if you say no, i know you’re lying.” you tell him sharply. his eyes are still fixed on yours, his gaze feeling like a weight on your shoulders, making you fidget.

“yeah. i get it now,” he says, voice softening. “thanks for explaining.”

you nod, eyes flitting everywhere but on him. you clear your throat. “yeah, no problem.” the air around the two of you had you feeling claustrophobic with how thick the tension was. it doesn’t lessen even as you move back to the other side of the table. continuing with your module, you reflect on the past couple minutes. what the hell was that? you decide not to address it, as that’s the safest option. if you start thinking too deeply about this, you’ll fall down a rabbit hole that you cannot deal with right now. 

jungwon doesn’t think anything of it--he’s actually enjoying the underlying current between you two. however, as much as he’s interested, jungwon was raised a gentleman. you’re not reciprocating the flirting, and he’s alright with that. he decides that although he won’t actively pursue you, there’s no harm in a little friendly banter flirting every now and then.

for the rest of the session, you two sit in silence and study, with jungwon occasionally lightening the mood with a joke or complaint about the course content. 

---

eventually, these study sessions become a regular thing. months go by, and you’re now nearing the end of the year. by now, you and jungwon are attached at the hip. yes, you were originally terrified to get intertwined with him due to his sweet, boyish charm, but it’s fine now. you two are friends…that’s all. duh. 

it’s friday afternoon and the two of you are currently laying on the floor of jungwon’s room. what started as a study session quickly turned into you and jungwon leaning against his bed and watching stupid little tiktoks on his phone. after hours of doom scrolling, you both get up to do the “seeing if we dance the same while blindfolded” trend. you both sit on his bed to rewatch the tiktok you just filmed and while the whole thing had you guys uncontrollably laughing, you absolutely lost it when jungwon started slut-dropping to stereo love. 

“what the fuck, jungwon, in what world did you think i would do all that to stereo love?” your eyes are spilling tears as you cry laughing at his weird antics.

whoever said laughter is contagious was onto something because as you laugh harder and harder while rewatching the video, jungwon starts unconsciously mimicking your amusement. he can’t take his eyes off you right now. sure, to anyone else, you’re just laughing at something stupid. to jungwon, there’s a bright, vibrant aura radiating off of you. say he has skin damage the way your rays are seeping into him. seeing you like this, jungwon knows he would do anything for you to be this happy all the time. but, he knows he can’t let you know that. he knows you don’t see him that way, and that’s alright. he’s alright. no, it doesn’t eat away at him at all. and he definitely doesn’t think about it every night before bed. in all honestly, he’s more than delighted to keep his feelings to himself, as long as it means he gets to keep you near him. 

“what do you mean? the trend is “seeing if we dance the same” not “trying to match each other’s freak!”” jungwon responds to you, matching your mirth.

his reply has you laughing even harder (if possible), with both of you collapsing onto his bed. jungwon’s eyes are still on you, and the laughter dies down and fades into something else, something warmer. scarier. you’re facing each other, eyes locked on one another with soft smiles gracing your features. the room gets quiet--the only things filling your senses are the ticking of the clock and the faint scent of vanilla coming off of him.

time stops. as you’re lost in each other’s gaze, you both instinctively lean in. it’s so slow, almost as if you’re not even moving. like if you move too fast, it’ll ruin whatever is happening right now. just as your lips are about to touch, the clanging of your phone falling off the bed snaps you out of your haze. 

your eyes widen and you frantically sit up. frozen in your spot, you say nothing while attempting to get your thoughts together. what was that? you guys are just friends, how could either of you let that go so far? that was so wrong but the strangest and most terrifying part of it all was that it felt so right. so safe. and if you know one thing for sure, it’s that safe is the most dangerous thing of all. this new, confusing atmosphere takes you back to your past relationship. everything’s all happy and fun at the beginning, but as soon as things go further, it all falls apart. with jungwon, you can’t let that happen. you can’t allow yourself to get hurt again. but, that won’t happen, right? because you’re just friends. yeah, that sounds about right. 

jungwon, still laying on the bed, stares at the back of your head for a bit before sitting up next to you. he felt it too--the simmering tension, the ache, the want. did he misread that? probably. again, he knows your feelings about him, or lack thereof. he mentally slaps himself for even letting that happen. unable to decipher what’s going on in your head and also not wanting to know, he sits quietly with you for a second before breaking the silence.

“wanna go get ice cream?”

“yeah.”

weaved into that short interaction is the unsaid vow to never speak of this again.

a vow that you both took very seriously, especially considering that if it wasn’t seared into the front of your brain, you would’ve forgotten it even happened.

a few days pass, and still, neither of you bring up the elephant in the room. it’s almost like a cruel, mentally taxing game--the first person to crack loses. 

just like any day before the incident that shall not be named, the both of you stroll into class together and take your seats in the front row. you’re both engaged in your daily extremely stupid pre-class debate (today’s topic: is water wet? yes or no + provide a thesis statement), when your TA walks by to hand out some worksheets. “make sure this is finished by next class, alright? you two make an adorable couple, by the way.” jungwon smiles at this, but for you, it’s not a compliment. in fact, your blood runs cold the second your TA’s words hit your ears. jungwon’s playful shaking of your arm wakes you from your trance. 

“y/n, did you hear that? we make a cute couple, oooooh,” jungwon says, still wiggling your arm around. feeling conflicted and terrified, you snatch your arm away and bolt out of the room. jungwon sits there for a second, completely dumbfounded.

you throw yourself into the first empty room you find and press your hands onto the cool surface of one of the tables. your heart is beating in your ears and everything feels so, so overwhelming. being called “a couple” freaks you out to no end. a couple??? no, that’s not what this is. we’re friends. just friends. right? your mind is everywhere right now, the drawers in your brain are overflowing with thoughts and emotions, and you just can’t keep up. god, y/n, get it together. it’s just a stupid little comment. minutes pass, and after you finally calm yourself down, you go back to your class, where your lecture has already started.

“hey, everything okay, pretty? that was really sudden,” jungwon whispers to you as you take your seat, concern laced all throughout his tone. 

you don’t even look at him as you respond with, “yeah, all good.”

“you sure? you can tell me if something’s up.” his eyes are almost glued to the side of your face.

“nothing’s wrong. just, uh, girl problems.” 

slightly taken aback, jungwon replies. “oh, okay. you promise?”

why is he still asking? “yeah, just y’know. periods, cramps. tampons. menstrual cups. all that good stuff. pads.” you stumble out more feminine hygiene products in hopes that he stops asking, and to your satisfaction, it works.

what you don’t realize is that jungwon is no idiot. he knows you’re lying. obviously. his heart drops knowing that you feel as if you can’t tell him what’s going on. he can’t even blame you, because he knows he’s the problem. ever since your almost-kiss, he’s been beating himself up about the fact that he let that happen. because now, the distance between you feels impossible to cross. and he can’t help but think that maybe he deserves that.

after a seemingly endless class finally ends, jungwon asks if you two are still on for your study session that day. as much as you want to go to it, you know you can’t. much to your dismay, you can’t deny anymore that whatever is between you and jungwon is more than friendship. and that terrifies you.

“uh, i think i’m gonna pass. just because, y’know. cramps.”

“oh, okay. yeah, no problem, y/n. i hope you feel better soon.” he says with a soft smile. if you didn’t know him any better, you wouldn’t give that response a second thought. but, you know him, and you know there’s an underlying inference hidden between his words. you just can’t tell what it is. and honestly, you’re not sure if you want to know. you give him a polite smile before heading home. 

ever since that day, you’ve found a new excuse for everytime jungwon asked you if you were down for a study session. it was clear through his texts that it was starting to bother him, but he never explicitly said anything. you even stopped showing up to classes to avoid him. you know it’s wrong because he hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong, but you can’t help but be selfish here.

by using these tactics to avoid him, you’ve successfully had two jungwonless weeks. unfortunately for you, you forgot that you and jungwon have each other’s class schedules. meaning that he could find you at any other class whenever he wanted. he wouldn’t do that though… he’s not that insane, you think to yourself. 

but oh, he is.

you’re the last one in the classroom after your lecture ends, as you were still gathering your things. your back is facing the entrance while you pack your last item. just as you’re about to leave, you hear it. the slow, soft footsteps walking towards you. that could be anybody, right? that’s what you told yourself until it started surrounding you--the gentle waves of vanilla and musk. the scent that always adorned jungwon’s skin and clothes whenever you were graced with his presence. however, right now his presence didn’t feel graceful at all. this time, it felt suffocating. you had to leave immediately. 

you turn around and try to walk out as quickly as you can without even doing so much as looking him, but he’s quicker. he grabs your arm before you can leave the room. just as you’re about to protest, jungwon breaks the silence.

“don’t.” he means it to be stern, but it only comes out sweetly. he can’t help it--he can never be anything less than kind to you, even when you’re not mirroring that sentiment.

“let me go,” you spit out.

“no. not until you tell me what’s going on right now. don’t you think i deserve that much, y/n?” he sounds off. sad. defeated, almost. you know you’re the reason for it, but you know you have to put yourself first. you swore not to let anyone in again. and that’s a promise you have to keep.

“why did you come here, jungwon?” you continue to avoid looking at him as you still haven’t built up the courage to.

 “oh, c’mon. you’ve been ignoring me for two weeks now. i could’ve found you way earlier but wanted to give you the space you needed,” his shoulders slump as he continues, “but this, y/n, is just too much. just tell me what’s up, that’s all i’m asking, pretty.”

your heart breaks at the sound of your pet name, so heavy with sorrow it barely sounds like him. at last, you look up at him only to see a shell of the boy you once knew. his cheekbones are the slightest bit more defined and purple skies have made their way under his lash line. his eyes bore into yours, silently pleading for you to just talk to him.

you break away from his intense gaze to give him the answers he so clearly needs. “this is the problem, jungwon. you can’t just… say that to me.”

his grip on you loosens slightly. “say what?”

frustration begins creeping into your tone as you yank your arm free. “you can’t just be all sweet to me, and call me pretty whenever you want as if it doesn’t--” you stop yourself before you say too much. “you just can’t do that, jungwon. we’re friends. that’s all.”

“no, wait, finish your sentence. as if it doesn’t what? what could be so bad about me being nice to you? tell me.” he says, voice raised a bit. he can see them--the cracks in your carefully built exterior are starting to show. with you standing in front of him, spewing all this bullshit, it’s clear as day: you like him too. so, why can’t you just admit it?

“friends aren’t supposed to act the way we do.” you say with forced indifference.

“well, maybe i don’t just want to be friends. don’t you get it?” jungwon closes the gap between you, gently holding your shoulders. “god, y/n, i’ve been in love with you since the moment i met you. i didn’t want to tell you to avoid ruining our friendship, but at some point, we have to be honest with ourselves. what we have was never just a friendship. and i know you know it too.”

this is officially too much for you. you pull away from him once more. “okay, jungwon, i really can’t do this right now,” your voice trembles as you spiral through a roller coaster of emotions. you have to get out of there. just as you’re about to leave the room, jungwon says something that stops you dead in your tracks.

“why can’t you just let yourself be happy?”

his voice is barely above a whisper, but it still manages to knock the wind out of you.

you turn right back around. “what?” you are enraged. fuming. “do you really think it’s that easy? you think i want to be the way that i am? sorry to break it to you, but i can’t fucking help it, jungwon. you think everything is so simple, so happy and colourful, but you will never understand what it’s like to be trapped in your own mind.” jungwon can see the white, hot steam blowing out of your ears. he should be scared, yes, but right now, he’s relieved. relieved that you’re talking to him. relieved that you’re still here. relieved that you’re not hiding from him behind a wall of apathy anymore. 

“y/n--”

“no. you don’t get it. i’m fucked up, jungwon.” your eyes start to glisten with unshed tears. “i don’t get to just choose happiness. some days i can barely breathe, but you?” your voice falters. “you make it feel easy. and that scares the hell out of me.” 

jungwon takes a step closer, his eyes searching yours. “but i want to help. you don’t have to go through this alone--”

“no, but i do!” you cut him off, voice sharp and shaking. “because the second i let someone in, they leave. and who am i left with? myself! i can’t keep letting myself fall apart just to be the one who has to pick up the pieces again. i won’t.” every word falls out faster than the last. “you say you love me, but love doesn’t fix people. it’s just another way to get hurt.”

jungwon stays silent, absorbing every syllable like a punch to the gut.

“so, yeah, maybe you’re right, and i don’t let myself be happy.” you finally say, your voice quieter now, bitter around the edges. “maybe i’m the problem. maybe i ruin everything before it even starts. at least that way, i’m the one in control.”

“but, y/n, it doesn’t have to be like that. yes, you’ve had some tough experiences, but you’re not broken. everything you’ve gone through, everything you’ve shared with me, it’s all part of what makes you you.” jungwon moves closer and delicately takes your face into his warm hands. “i know it’s hard to see it this way but your past experiences are not predictive of your future ones. you can’t live your life trying not to get hurt, y/n, you deserve to be happy. that’s all i want for you, whether it’s with me or without me. even if i’m not on the field with you, i’ll be on the sidelines, cheering you on. always.” he says while tucking some stray hairs behind your ear. the way he looks at you is so soft, his eyes overflowing with love and care. 

“i don’t want to do it without you, jungwon. i always want you right next to me, but i’m scared.”

“i understand, pretty. and i know it’s scary, but you’re just gonna have to trust me, okay?” he says while wiping some fresh tears from your cheeks, which are now coloured with raw emotion. huh, you didn’t even realize you were crying. “i’ve never let you down before, have i?” you sniffle and shake your head no, the faintest smile adorning your face. “exactly. and that will never change.”

your eyes are trained on his face as you process his words. your expression is a mixture of fear, relief, sadness, and hope. jungwon doesn’t say anything either. he silently continues wiping your tears, his thumbs ever so slightly grazing your cheeks as he gives you time to digest everything.

“okay.” you muster out a whisper as loud as you can manage, but as quiet as a mouse.

“okay?” he asks, needing a confirmation about whether you mean what he thinks you mean.

“yeah. okay. i love you, jungwon. and i want to be with you. i trust you.”

jungwon’s entire face lights up at your statement, his elation causing him to pull you into his strong embrace. maybe a bit too strong.

“jungwon, i can’t breathe,” you giggle out.

he lets go as soon as he hears your words. “oh my god, i’m so sorry! i just can’t believe this is happening right now.” his ears turn red with embarrassment, and you giggle at his endearingness. the sound of your laughter, no matter how slight, makes his heart soar. he loves you so much. it’s the kind of love that makes his heart ache, in the best way. once again, his hands come up to cup your cheeks, as he gazes at you. he might as well have had hearts bouncing out of his pupils. “can i kiss you?”

“yeah.” your smile mirrors his as he tilts your chin up, pressing a short, tender kiss to your lips. when he pulls away, it’s like the whole world goes quiet. just the two of you beaming at each other, like nothing else matters. and truly, in this moment, it doesn’t. as long as you have each other, nothing else matters. 

for the first time in a long time, you believe that love doesn’t have to mean pain. no guilt, no fear, you can finally just be happy, and it’s what you deserve.

it’s the third week of your senior year of university and you were walking to class, half asleep due to your heavy lack of rest (average uni student activities). just as you check your phone for the time, a firm body bumps into you, knocking you to the ground. 

“oh my god, i’m so sorry! i didn’t see you there,” his voice, as sweet as honey, calls out to you. you only notice his appearance once he reaches his hand out to help you up. his golden locks were flowing in the wind while big worried eyes stared down at you. with the way he was glowing, you could only assume that he was tapped by King Midas himself. your heart speeds up just by looking at him--god, is it even possible to look this adorable when worried? a couple of seconds pass and you realize that since you got lost in your little marvelling session, you had forgotten to answer him. immediately, you get right up and brush yourself off. “i’m fine, thanks.” you brush past him, hoping you don’t come across him and his gorgeous face again. 

what you don’t realize is that the cute stranger himself has plans of his own.

you finally get to your class, proud of yourself for successfully dodging that bullet of a boy. just as you’re settling into your seat, a wave of vanilla and musk fills your senses. when you turn to face the direction of the scent, you’re met with a familiar face.

“hey. you ran away from me pretty quick back there.”

this cannot be happening right now.

there he is, the mysterious stranger that brought you to your knees (literally and figuratively). the shock mixed with the rapid increase of your heart rate has you staring at him with your jaw slack. your silly reaction induces a small, boyish giggle to fall past the stranger’s lips. “what, cat got your tongue?” he asks with a slight lilt in his voice.

“what, no-- what? no! wait, how did you get here? were you always in this class? who are you?” as the jumble of words keep tumbling out of you, his teasing grin grows wider and wider, causing his dimples to peak through.

“okay, let me stop you right there so you don’t embarrass yourself.” he chuckles. “to answer your questions, i got here by walking, which you would have seen if you didn’t run away so fast. yes, i have always been in this class, but i usually sit at the back. and my name is jungwon. i’m a senior, but i’m taking this class as an elective.”

forcing yourself to stop gawking at him, you foster up the courage to respond. 

“oh.”

alright, maybe you were being a bit overzealous. you try to think of something else to say, but jungwon beats you to it.

“oh? is that all i get in return?” he asks with a mocking pout. there’s no malice behind his words; at this point he’s just teasing you for the fun of it. however, his reply helps you realize that there’s no reason for you to be acting like a shy little schoolgirl right now. jungwon is literally just a boy. you roll your eyes at him before responding, causing him to raise an eyebrow as his teasing grin returns.

“if you let me finish, i would’ve asked you why you decided to sit up front today, instead of sitting at the back, like you usually do,” you bite back at him. 

“i saw you sitting here at the front, and after knocking you over, i thought it would only make sense for me to sit next to you and make sure you were alright.”

“well, i’m fine. you can go back now,” you say without looking at him.

after a beat passes, he responds. “no. i want to sit here. you intrigue me.” with how quick it happened, you almost missed the way his gaze fled to your lips for a split second. key word: almost.

you’re about to tell him to just go to the back when your professor starts their lecture, cutting you off. jungwon smiles cheekily at you as he opens his laptop, getting ready to take notes. it’s okay, this is only a one time thing, you tell yourself. tomorrow, he won’t even remember this interaction, and you’ll be back to sitting by yourself. all alone. which is how it should be. right?

on the other hand, jungwon is having the time of his life. he’s seen you in class before, and with a face like yours, he knew you would cause him trouble. lucky for him, he loves a little bit of chaos. accidentally bumping into you gave him the perfect opportunity to get closer to you.

after class, jungwon goes up to your professor to ask them a question about the upcoming midterm, which you take as an opportunity to leave without having to talk to him again. as you’re rushing out, you hear him call out a loud wait!, which you effectively ignore.

jungwon hastily packs up his things to go after you, but to his dismay, you’re already lost in the sea of post-class students. he doesn’t mind though. tomorrow is a new day.

---

the next day, you sit in the front row of the class, prepared to listen, take notes, then leave without having to speak to anyone, just as usual. but, your plans are once again fumbled by a certain blond haired boy.

when you hear the seat next to you being taken, you don’t even need to look. the scent of vanilla and mischief gives him away instantly.

“hi, pretty.”

still not looking at him, you answer back coldly while getting your laptop ready, “what are you doing? what happened to sitting at the back?” 

jungwon fakes hurt at your comments, clutching his chest like he was freshly wounded. “i told you, you intrigue me. so, i want to sit with you. also, you still haven’t told me your name.”

refusing to let this conversation go on for longer than it needs to, you give him your name.

jungwon smiles at you. “y/n. hm. suits you.” the fondness in his eyes catches you off guard, so you avert your eyes as subtly as possible, pretending to focus on your professor preparing to start the lecture. what you don’t see is jungwon still looking at you with a small smile on his face.

the lecture starts and ends just like any other class. you gather your belongings, ready to leave when jungwon stops you. 

“wait, y/n! don’t go yet,” he says hurriedly before you take your first step out the door. “yeah, jungwon, what’s up?” you reply apathetically.

“come with me.”

you blink at him, completely thrown off. “huh?”

“the midterm is next week, come study with me.” his tone is casual, as if you guys were best friends and this was normal. usually, you wouldn’t be opposed to a study session with a friend. that being said, you’ve had a weird feeling in your gut ever since you met jungwon yesterday. it’s the same feeling you had when you first met your ex. and if there’s one thing you’re sure of, it’s that you would do anything not to let that situation occur again.

“i don’t know…”

“pleeeeease. i need to study and i know i’ll be more motivated to study if i have you there with me! we can study together and help each other with the modules, pleasepleasepleaseplease” he’s practically begging at this point. those brown expressive orbs of his are so dangerous, but you won’t let them faze you…after this one time.

“fine, let’s go.” jungwon’s face lights up. deep dimples form on his cherubic cheeks, causing a strong bright blush to form on yours. 

oh yeah, this was a mistake.

---

the two of you reach the campus café and start the study session. everything was going normally, until jungwon needed help with a specific module. 

“it doesn’t make any sense! if DNA polymerase can only add nucleotides in one direction, how does it replicate both strands?” you let a smile slip at his endearing confusion, before moving closer to explain the concept to him. while pointing at the textbook diagrams, your fingers brush against his. your hand twitches before you move it away from jungwon’s own warm hand. as you finish clarifying everything, you glance at him to ensure he’s following. as you were so immersed in the topic, you didn’t realize how close you two had gotten. when you turn to him, your faces are only mere centimeters away. your eyes widen as you move back immediately and clear your throat. “uh, does that make more sense now?” you ask, averting your eyes. jungwon chuckles at your awkwardness. he leans back in his chair, tapping his pen. “that sounds… complicated. i don’t think i get it, you’re gonna have to explain it again.” he smirks at you.

you roll your eyes at him. “shut up, i know you understand now.”

“no, i don’t. i really need you to explain it to me again. just one more time, i swear.” good thing he didn’t swear on anyone important because jungwon is lying through his teeth and he knows it. he understood the material ten minutes ago. he just likes the way your voice sounds when you’re focused, the way you get all serious and smart. it makes his heart beat a little faster. not that you need to know that.

“alright, once more, and then i’m going back to my module.”

“sounds good, pretty.”

you feigned indifference at his words and explained the concept one more time, just as jungwon asked you to. after you finish simplifying it for him, you look at him and are shocked to see that he’s already looking at you. again, you pretend you don’t notice. “do you get it now? if you say no, i know you’re lying.” you tell him sharply. his eyes are still fixed on yours, his gaze feeling like a weight on your shoulders, making you fidget.

“yeah. i get it now,” he says, voice softening. “thanks for explaining.”

you nod, eyes flitting everywhere but on him. you clear your throat. “yeah, no problem.” the air around the two of you had you feeling claustrophobic with how thick the tension was. it doesn’t lessen even as you move back to the other side of the table. continuing with your module, you reflect on the past couple minutes. what the hell was that? you decide not to address it, as that’s the safest option. if you start thinking too deeply about this, you’ll fall down a rabbit hole that you cannot deal with right now. 

jungwon doesn’t think anything of it--he’s actually enjoying the underlying current between you two. however, as much as he’s interested, jungwon was raised a gentleman. you’re not reciprocating the flirting, and he’s alright with that. he decides that although he won’t actively pursue you, there’s no harm in a little friendly banter flirting every now and then.

for the rest of the session, you two sit in silence and study, with jungwon occasionally lightening the mood with a joke or complaint about the course content. 

---

eventually, these study sessions become a regular thing. months go by, and you’re now nearing the end of the year. by now, you and jungwon are attached at the hip. yes, you were originally terrified to get intertwined with him due to his sweet, boyish charm, but it’s fine now. you two are friends…that’s all. duh. 

it’s friday afternoon and the two of you are currently laying on the floor of jungwon’s room. what started as a study session quickly turned into you and jungwon leaning against his bed and watching stupid little tiktoks on his phone. after hours of doom scrolling, you both get up to do the “seeing if we dance the same while blindfolded” trend. you both sit on his bed to rewatch the tiktok you just filmed and while the whole thing had you guys uncontrollably laughing, you absolutely lost it when jungwon started slut-dropping to stereo love. 

“what the fuck, jungwon, in what world did you think i would do all that to stereo love?” your eyes are spilling tears as you cry laughing at his weird antics.

whoever said laughter is contagious was onto something because as you laugh harder and harder while rewatching the video, jungwon starts unconsciously mimicking your amusement. he can’t take his eyes off you right now. sure, to anyone else, you’re just laughing at something stupid. to jungwon, there’s a bright, vibrant aura radiating off of you. say he has skin damage the way your rays are seeping into him. seeing you like this, jungwon knows he would do anything for you to be this happy all the time. but, he knows he can’t let you know that. he knows you don’t see him that way, and that’s alright. he’s alright. no, it doesn’t eat away at him at all. and he definitely doesn’t think about it every night before bed. in all honestly, he’s more than delighted to keep his feelings to himself, as long as it means he gets to keep you near him. 

“what do you mean? the trend is “seeing if we dance the same” not “trying to match each other’s freak!”” jungwon responds to you, matching your mirth.

his reply has you laughing even harder (if possible), with both of you collapsing onto his bed. jungwon’s eyes are still on you, and the laughter dies down and fades into something else, something warmer. scarier. you’re facing each other, eyes locked on one another with soft smiles gracing your features. the room gets quiet--the only things filling your senses are the ticking of the clock and the faint scent of vanilla coming off of him.

time stops. as you’re lost in each other’s gaze, you both instinctively lean in. it’s so slow, almost as if you’re not even moving. like if you move too fast, it’ll ruin whatever is happening right now. just as your lips are about to touch, the clanging of your phone falling off the bed snaps you out of your haze. 

your eyes widen and you frantically sit up. frozen in your spot, you say nothing while attempting to get your thoughts together. what was that? you guys are just friends, how could either of you let that go so far? that was so wrong but the strangest and most terrifying part of it all was that it felt so right. so safe. and if you know one thing for sure, it’s that safe is the most dangerous thing of all. this new, confusing atmosphere takes you back to your past relationship. everything’s all happy and fun at the beginning, but as soon as things go further, it all falls apart. with jungwon, you can’t let that happen. you can’t allow yourself to get hurt again. but, that won’t happen, right? because you’re just friends. yeah, that sounds about right. 

jungwon, still laying on the bed, stares at the back of your head for a bit before sitting up next to you. he felt it too--the simmering tension, the ache, the want. did he misread that? probably. again, he knows your feelings about him, or lack thereof. he mentally slaps himself for even letting that happen. unable to decipher what’s going on in your head and also not wanting to know, he sits quietly with you for a second before breaking the silence.

“wanna go get ice cream?”

“yeah.”

weaved into that short interaction is the unsaid vow to never speak of this again.

a vow that you both took very seriously, especially considering that if it wasn’t seared into the front of your brain, you would’ve forgotten it even happened.

a few days pass, and still, neither of you bring up the elephant in the room. it’s almost like a cruel, mentally taxing game--the first person to crack loses. 

just like any day before the incident that shall not be named, the both of you stroll into class together and take your seats in the front row. you’re both engaged in your daily extremely stupid pre-class debate (today’s topic: is water wet? yes or no + provide a thesis statement), when your TA walks by to hand out some worksheets. “make sure this is finished by next class, alright? you two make an adorable couple, by the way.” jungwon smiles at this, but for you, it’s not a compliment. in fact, your blood runs cold the second your TA’s words hit your ears. jungwon’s playful shaking of your arm wakes you from your trance. 

“y/n, did you hear that? we make a cute couple, oooooh,” jungwon says, still wiggling your arm around. feeling conflicted and terrified, you snatch your arm away and bolt out of the room. jungwon sits there for a second, completely dumbfounded.

you throw yourself into the first empty room you find and press your hands onto the cool surface of one of the tables. your heart is beating in your ears and everything feels so, so overwhelming. being called “a couple” freaks you out to no end. a couple??? no, that’s not what this is. we’re friends. just friends. right? your mind is everywhere right now, the drawers in your brain are overflowing with thoughts and emotions, and you just can’t keep up. god, y/n, get it together. it’s just a stupid little comment. minutes pass, and after you finally calm yourself down, you go back to your class, where your lecture has already started.

“hey, everything okay, pretty? that was really sudden,” jungwon whispers to you as you take your seat, concern laced all throughout his tone. 

you don’t even look at him as you respond with, “yeah, all good.”

“you sure? you can tell me if something’s up.” his eyes are almost glued to the side of your face.

“nothing’s wrong. just, uh, girl problems.” 

slightly taken aback, jungwon replies. “oh, okay. you promise?”

why is he still asking? “yeah, just y’know. periods, cramps. tampons. menstrual cups. all that good stuff. pads.” you stumble out more feminine hygiene products in hopes that he stops asking, and to your satisfaction, it works.

what you don’t realize is that jungwon is no idiot. he knows you’re lying. obviously. his heart drops knowing that you feel as if you can’t tell him what’s going on. but, he can’t even blame you, because he knows he’s the problem. every since your almost-kiss, he’s been beating himself up about the fact that he let that happen. because now, the distance between you feels impossible to cross. and he can’t help but think that maybe he deserves that.

after a seemingly endless class finally ends, jungwon asks if you two are still on for your study session that day. as much as you want to go to it, you know you can’t. much to your dismay, you can’t deny anymore that whatever is between you and jungwon is more than friendship. and that terrifies you.

“uh, i think i’m gonna pass. just because, y’know. cramps.”

“oh, okay. yeah, no problem, y/n. i hope you feel better soon.” he says with a soft smile. if you didn’t know him any better, you wouldn’t give that response a second thought. but, you know him, and you know there’s an underlying inference hidden between his words. you just can’t tell what it is. and honestly, you’re not sure if you want to know. you give him a polite smile before heading home. 

ever since that day, you’ve found a new excuse for everytime jungwon asked you if you were down for a study session. it was clear through his texts that it was starting to bother him, but he never explicitly said anything. you even stopped showing up to classes to avoid him. you know it’s wrong because he hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong, but you can’t help but be selfish here.

by using these tactics to avoid him, you’ve successfully had two jungwonless weeks. unfortunately for you, you forgot that you and jungwon have each other’s class schedules. meaning that he could find you at any other class whenever he wanted. he wouldn’t do that though… he’s not that insane, you think to yourself. 

but oh, he is.

you’re the last one in the classroom after your lecture ends, as you were still gathering your things. your back is facing the entrance while you pack your last item. just as you’re about to leave, you hear it. the slow, soft footsteps walking towards you. that could be anybody, right? that’s what you told yourself until it started surrounding you--the gentle waves of vanilla and musk. the scent that always adorned jungwon’s skin and clothes whenever you were graced with his presence. however, right now his presence didn’t feel graceful at all. this time, it felt suffocating. you had to leave immediately. 

you turn around and try to walk out as quickly as you can without even doing so much as looking him, but he’s quicker. he grabs your arm before you can leave the room. just as you’re about to protest, jungwon breaks the silence.

“don’t.” he means it to be stern, but it only comes out sweetly. he can’t help it--he can never be anything less than kind to you, even when you’re not mirroring that sentiment.

“let me go,” you spit out.

“no. not until you tell me what’s going on right now. don’t you think i deserve that much, y/n?” he sounds off. sad. defeated, almost. you know you’re the reason for it, but you know you have to put yourself first. you swore not to let anyone in again. and that’s a promise you have to keep.

“why did you come here, jungwon?” you continue to avoid looking at him as you still haven’t built up the courage to.

 “oh, c’mon. you’ve been ignoring me for two weeks now. i could’ve found you way earlier but wanted to give you the space you needed,” his shoulders slump as he continues, “but this, y/n, is just too much. just tell me what’s up, that’s all i’m asking, pretty.”

your heart breaks at the sound of your pet name, so heavy with sorrow it barely sounds like him. at last, you look up at him only to see a shell of the boy you once knew. his cheekbones are the slightest bit more defined and purple skies have made their way under his lash line. his eyes bore into yours, silently pleading for you to just talk to him.

you break away from his intense gaze to give him the answers he so clearly needs. “this is the problem, jungwon. you can’t just… say that to me.”

his grip on you loosens slightly. “say what?”

frustration begins creeping into your tone as you yank your arm free.. “you can’t just be all sweet to me, and call me pretty whenever you want as if it doesn’t--” you stop yourself before you say too much. “you just can’t do that, jungwon. we’re friends. that’s all.”

“no, wait, finish your sentence. as if it doesn’t what? what could be so bad about me being nice to you? tell me.” he says, voice raised a bit. he can see them--the cracks in your carefully built exterior are starting to show. with you standing in front of him, spewing all this bullshit, it’s clear as day: you like him too. so, why can’t you just admit it?

“friends aren’t supposed to act the way we do.” you say with forced indifference.

“well, maybe i don’t just want to be friends. don’t you get it?” jungwon closes the gap between you, gently holding your shoulders. “god, y/n, i’ve been in love with you since the moment i met you. i didn’t want to tell you to avoid ruining our friendship, but at some point, we have to be honest with ourselves. what we have was never just a friendship. and i know you know it too.”

this is officially too much for you. you pull away from him once more. “okay, jungwon, i really can’t do this right now,” your voice trembles as you spiral through a roller coaster of emotions. you have to get out of there. just as you’re about to leave the room, jungwon says something that stops you dead in your tracks.

“why can’t you just let yourself be happy?”

his voice is barely above a whisper, but it still manages to knock the wind out of you.

you turn right back around. “what?” you are enraged. fuming. “do you really think it’s that easy? you think i want to be the way that i am? sorry to break it to you, but i can’t fucking help it, jungwon. you think everything is so simple, so happy and colourful, but you will never understand what it’s like to be trapped in your own mind.” jungwon can see the white, hot steam blowing out of your ears. he should be scared, yes, but right now, he’s relieved. relieved that you’re talking to him. relieved that you’re still here. relieved that you’re not hiding from him behind a wall of apathy anymore. 

“y/n--”

“no. you don’t get it. i’m fucked up, jungwon.” your eyes start to glisten with unshed tears. “i don’t get to just choose happiness. some days i can barely breathe, but you?” your voice falters. “you make it feel easy. and that scares the hell out of me.” 

jungwon takes a step closer, his eyes searching yours. “but i want to help. you don’t have to go through this alone--”

“no, but i do!” you cut him off, voice sharp and shaking. “because the second i let someone in, they leave. and who am i left with? myself! i can’t keep letting myself fall apart just to be the one who has to pick up the pieces again. i won’t.” every word falls out faster than the last. “you say you love me, but love doesn’t fix people. it’s just another way to get hurt.”

jungwon stays silent, absorbing every syllable like a punch to the gut.

“so, yeah, maybe you’re right, and i don’t let myself be happy.” you finally say, your voice quieter now, bitter around the edges. “maybe i’m the problem. maybe i ruin everything before it even starts. at least that way, i’m the one in control.”

“but, y/n, it doesn’t have to be like that. yes, you’ve had some tough experiences, but you’re not broken. everything you’ve gone through, everything you’ve shared with me, it’s all part of what makes you you.” jungwon moves closer and delicately takes your face into his warm hands. “i know it’s hard to see it this way but your past experiences are not predictive of your future ones. you can’t live your life trying not to get hurt, y/n, you deserve to be happy. that’s all i want for you, whether it’s with me or without me. even if i’m not on the field with you, i’ll be on the sidelines, cheering you on. always.” he says while tucking some stray hairs behind your ear. the way he looks at you is so soft, his eyes overflowing with love and care. 

“i don’t want to do it without you, jungwon. i always want you right next to me, but i’m scared.”

“i understand, pretty. and i know it’s scary, but you’re just gonna have to trust me, okay?” he says while wiping some fresh tears from your cheeks, which are now coloured with raw emotion. huh, you didn’t even realize you were crying. “i’ve never let you down before, have i?” you sniffle and shake your head no, the faintest smile adorning your face. “exactly. and that will never change.”

your eyes are trained on his face as you process his words. your expression is a mixture of fear, relief, sadness, and hope. jungwon doesn’t say anything either. he silently continues wiping your tears, his thumbs ever so slightly grazing your cheeks as he gives you time to digest everything.

“okay.” you muster out a whisper as loud as you can manage, but as quiet as a mouse.

“okay?” he asks, needing a confirmation about whether you mean what he thinks you mean.

“yeah. okay. i love you, jungwon. and i want to be with you. i trust you.”

jungwon’s entire face lights up at your statement, his elation causing him to pull you into his strong embrace. maybe a bit too strong.

“jungwon, i can’t breathe,” you giggle out.

he lets go as soon as he hears your words. “oh my god, i’m so sorry! i just can’t believe this is happening right now.” his ears turn red with embarrassment, and you giggle at his endearingness. the sound of your laughter, no matter how slight, makes his heart soar. he loves you so much. it’s the kind of love that makes his heart ache, in the best way. once again, his hands come up to cup your cheeks, as he gazes at you. he might as well have had hearts bouncing out of his pupils. “can i kiss you?”

“yeah.” your smile mirrors his as he tilts your chin up, pressing a short, tender kiss to your lips. when he pulls away, it’s like the whole world goes quiet. just the two of you beaming at each other, like nothing else matters. and truly, in this moment, it doesn’t. as long as you have each other, nothing else matters. 

for the first time in a long time, you believe that love doesn’t have to mean pain. no guilt, no fear, you can finally just be happy, and it’s what you deserve.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ • 𝟢𝟐 ❜ the other awards

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎for best new writer ◟ jennifer ( @tzyunaes ) sophia ( @ukiyoriki ) dani ( @flwrstqr ) eun ( @jaysng ) xuan ( @mioons ) mari ( @all4aoki )

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎for best drabble ◟ how to drink ( @/soov ) don’t forget to kiss me ( @yuons ) secret glances ( @levandright ) spoiled rotten ( @/boyfhee ) nobody’s home ( @weoris ) tryna change your mind ( @/okwonyo )

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎for best one shot ◟ ms & mr. president ( @/jlheon ) emails i never meant to send ( @onlyjjong ) my love (mine all mine) ( @/star-sim ) when tracks align ( @calychuchis ) heartshaker ( @/bywons ) love, leashes and second chances ( @amoressb )

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎for best fluff fic ◟ adore you ( @/yeokii ) custom-made ( @/soov ) the art & science of parenting 101 ( @/jakesimfromstatefarm ) still into you ( @i2sunric ) the better ( @/fgumi ) take a chance with me ( @dksfml )

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎for best angst fic ◟ the tattoo on my ring finger ( @thatfeelingwhenyou ) maybe in another universe ( @leaderwon ) with or without ( @/bywons ) out of my head ( @babeyun ) astronomy ( @pshcomforts ) bandaids are no good for the heartache ( @hugz4hoon )

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎for best au ◟ hogwarts!au — forbidden taste ( @elikajinnie ) spiderman!au — head over heels ( @/star-sim ) hacker & college!au — hacked ( @misojunnie ) soulmate!au — off my face ( @dksfml ) memory loss!au — spring snow ( @leaderwonim ) gymrat!au — gymrat!sunghoon headcannons ( @/yuons )

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎for best headcannons ◟loser in a hot man’s body ( @/fgumi ) pulling them by their belt ( @/boyfhee ) pearls&diamonds ( @/okwonyo ) falling for my mc! ( @mygnolia ) signs of affection ( @hhmnya ) stuck with you ( @/flwrstqr )

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎for best plot ◟ head over heels ( @/star-sim ) safe & sound ( @thatfeelingwhenyou ) bandaids ( @dazzlingjaeyun ) the redroom ( @enhastars ) the art & science of parenting 101 ( @/jakesimfromstatefarm ) race for your heart ( @coqhee )

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ • 𝟢𝟑 ❜ fan favourite awards

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎for best most loved blog ◟ jiah ( @/okwonyo ) dani ( @/flwrstqr ) juni ( @/yuons ) lily ( @lilyberyls ) alice ( @jayflrt ) vanya ( @/star-sim )

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎for best fan favourite fic ◟ ms & mr president ( @/jlheon ) maybe in another universe ( @/leaderwon ) midas touch ( @/okwonyo ) against all the tides ( @jaylver ) to weave my love ( @mygnolia ) no doubt ( @/jakesimfromstatefarm )

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎for best writing style ◟ sru ( @/bywons ) cael ( @/boyfhee ) juni ( @/yuons ) rin ( @jaylver ) violet ( @byhees ) bug ( @heedeungism )

【 roll call ! 】 please make sure to vote every category! we wish you the best of luck join our discord server to keep yourself updated on all the announcements, interviews, and special things we’ve created for the enha-files awards ! ᴖ ᴈ ᴖ

as the concert comes to an end, you watch jungwon’s sweet grin as he waves goodbye to his fans. fans. honestly, that’s what you’re starting to feel like too. it’s been months since you felt his presence in yours—even when he’s with you, it feels like his mind is spiraling elsewhere, never keeping his attention on you. is it his fault? of course not, and you know that. being as young as he is, and having as many responsibilities as he has can definitely take a toll on someone, especially on top of constantly being on the road. although you’ve always been supportive of him, there are times where you feel like you’re not getting enough back. this is something that’s been in the back of your mind for a while now, but you could never bring yourself to voice it to him. you know how much jungwon appreciates your support and care, and you cannot fathom putting more of a burden on him when he’s already so stressed and busy. so, you stay silent, just as you always have. it’s just a little seed of concern anyway.

what you didn’t notice though is how over the years, that seed of concern started growing as resentment in the silence of your heart, spreading roots that tangled with your love for him, making it harder and harder to separate the two.

your thoughts and worries fade into nothing as you fall into a quiet slumber, your body curling into just one side of the bed in jungwon's absence.

--

the day of jungwon's return home arrives like any other. it’s a routine you’ve fallen into—knowing he'll walk through the door sometime in the evening, bringing with him the familiar mix of exhaustion and relief. as you await his arrival, you decide to make his favourite dinner as a small surprise. 

as you prepare the dining table, you hear the rattling of the door knob, turning around just in time to see your fatigued boyfriend come through the door. despite his exhaustion, he wears a lazy smile on his face, always so happy to see you.

“wonie! i missed you so much!” you jump into his embrace, his arms instinctually wrapping around you, dropping his bags in the process. you feel his face fall into the crook of your neck, taking a deep breath as if to ingrain your scent into his mind.

“i missed you a lot too, baby,” he pulls back to look at you and give you a chaste kiss before setting you down, keeping his arms wrapped around you. “i’m hungry as hell though. we had snacks for the road but fuckass sunghoon ate them all in the first half of the ride.” 

you snicker at his expression of distaste towards his friend’s actions. “well, lucky for you, i made your favourite!” you gesture towards the table set up with your home cooked meal. you watch jungwon’s eyes sparkle with excitement as he looks between you and the dining table. you feel his arms wrap around you tighter as he pecks the top of your head. “what did i do to deserve you, y/n…” he asks rhetorically, affection prominent in his voice.

“yeah, sometimes i ask myself the same thing,” you reply teasingly.

as you two start to eat away at your hard work, jungwon tells you all about what happened at the concerts they had in the past two months. 

“no way, he did that? oh my god, that’s so dangerous!”

“i’m serious, he jumped off the platform while it was still in the air! it was insane, but you know what jay’s like during concerts, so it’s not too shocking.”

you sigh as you poke the food on your plate with your spoon. “i wish i could’ve been there. the livestream didn’t show that,” you huff.

jungwon smiles at your pouting. “well, we’re having a show here in two weeks, so you can come to that one!”

he looks at you expectantly, waiting for your squeal of excitement, but it doesn’t come. what he gets instead is a blank stare, that quickly turns into a hesitant smile. “oh, nice!” you try to muster up as much excitement as you can, but your disappointment is too evident. he just came back and they’ve already planned the next concerts, meaning he’s not going to be around at all for those two weeks since he’ll be too busy preparing and practicing. you’re going to be alone again. you can’t help but feel a bit selfish for thinking this way, but you’re starting to feel like you don’t know how much longer you can handle this for. at the same time, you feel like you can’t bring it up because you don’t want to burden jungwon even further.

he raises an eyebrow at you. “nice? that’s all i get? i thought you’d be more excited about this.”

“i am excited, wonie,” you lie as you start to get up to clear your plate when you feel your eyes begin to burn with tears. as you walk towards and into the kitchen, his eyes don’t leave your face for a second.

“okay, obviously you’re not, y/n. i know you, and i know when you’re not telling the truth,” he says, his eyebrows so furrowed that they’re almost connected. “what’s wrong?”

an uncomfortable tension starts to settle in the air as you continue to lie to him. “nothing’s wrong! i’m just tired.” you hope he didn’t hear the slight crack in your voice as the tears start threatening to fall. unfortunately for you, jungwon knows you better than you know yourself and he knows when you’re upset. he heard the familiar crack loud and clear, and he knows exactly what it means.

“wait, baby, are you crying?”

you swallow down the tears rising in an attempt to hide them from jungwon. “no, what do you mean?” you try to mask your sadness with a chuckle, but jungwon knows you better than that.

“my love, you know you can tell me anything, right? talk to me,” he says softly.

and apparently, that’s your last straw. the second his words hit your ear, the dam breaks.

alarms blare in his mind as soon as he sees the first tear fall, screaming for him to get up and wrap you into his chest, as he usually does in this type of situation. and so, that’s exactly what he does, just as he has in the past. the only difference here is that when he reaches for your crying form, you brush him off and leave for your room. jungwon feels his heart crack while he watches you walk away from him in this state. this is the first time he’s felt like he didn’t know how to help you, since he doesn’t even know what he’s done wrong.

after hearing the door of your shared room shut, jungwon cleans up the rest of the dining table. he decided to give you some space to cool down, while also giving himself some space to figure out how to approach this. now that he’s thinking about it, he hasn’t seen you cry in months. you’ve always put on a smile for him, and now he can’t help but wonder what he's been missing. after what feels like a long few minutes, he decides he can't wait any longer and heads to your room. he doesn't want to push too soon, but he can't stand the thought of you hurting alone. lifting his hand to knock on the door, he calls out for you.

“y/n? can i come in?” hearing a muffled noise of approval from your side of the door, he hesitantly enters the room. the first thing he sees is you lying under the covers with your back facing him.

you feel a dip in the bed behind you as he sits next to your sad figure. not knowing what to say, he gently smooths down your hair, hoping to relieve you from even an ounce of your heartache. the tenderness of the act, although small, is enough for you to start crying again.

before jungwon came into the room, your mind was reeling with thoughts about how this is going to work out. how can you tell him that you need more from him when he’s already working himself to the bone for his career? you can’t put that pressure on him, so instead you came to the conclusion that maybe it’s time to let go. he deserves to focus on his career, and you can’t keep waiting for someone who's never fully present. when he starts petting your head to cheer you up, the guilt hits you like a truck. you sit up, thinking it’s better if you just bite the bullet now.

jungwon worriedly looks into your teary eyes, now filled with sadness and a hint of something more complex. he’s never seen you like this before, and it scares him. sure, he’s seen you cry before. many times actually. after all, you’ve been together for two and a half years. but usually, the first thing you do when you’re upset is lean to him for comfort. the second he opens his arms for you, you fall right into them. this time, it almost feels like you’re pushing him away, like you don’t want his help. and that terrifies him. 

his eyes are stuck on your wandering ones, as you don’t have it in you to look at him as you say this. jungwon’s hand goes to hold your cheek, gently urging you on, encouraging you to speak. he holds you so softly, so delicately, as if you’re the most fragile thing in the world. your eyes shut with guilt. you need to get it out now, before the moment slips away from you.

“jungwon, i don’t think i can do this anymore.” your eyes are still closed, afraid that seeing his face will make you regret your decision. the words leave your mouth much weaker than you intended them to, but jungwon hears you loud and clear. hoping you don’t mean what he thinks you mean, he asks for confirmation.

“what can’t you do anymore, darling?” although you can’t see him, you hear the shakiness in his voice, suggesting that he’s holding back tears. when you finally open your eyes, you’re met with the view of his glistening eyes and sad smile, as if he’s unable to accept your words.

your heart aches at his state, but you have to do this. for the sake of both you and him. “jungwon, please don’t make this harder than it has to be.” 

his heart shatters at that. disbelief, sadness, and anger seeps into his bones. harder than it has to be? his beloved girlfriend of almost three years is breaking up with him, is this supposed to be easy? 

what part of losing you could ever be easy?

“what? are you serious?” he manages to muster out, the words barely audible in his state of shock.

he stands up from the bed, hand going straight through his hair in frustration. “okay, y/n, what the fuck is going on? why are you doing this? you’re breaking up with me, for no reason, and you think i’m just going to be okay with it? what, you think i’m not going to fight for us?” 

“jungwon, i’m sorry--”

“no, y/n, you’re not sorry, because this isn’t happening. we’re not breaking up, because there’s literally no reason to.” he looks at you with a twinge of insanity lingering behind his eyes. have you lost your mind? no way in hell is he letting you go, especially when you two have been fine until now.

but now you’re starting to get frustrated with the tone he’s taking with you. jungwon’s talking to you like you’re crazy, as if this is something you decided on a whim. you’ve both raised your voices at each other before, but this time it feels like new territory. “alright, tone it down, jungwon.” you say, gentle but firm.

your demand seems to anger him even further as he stares at you with disbelief etched into his features.

“oh my god, y/n, can you even hear yourself? telling me to tone it down when you just tried to dump me, of course i’m going to be upset!”

“i really don’t want to fight right now—”

“do you think i want this to be happening right now? of course not! i just came back from tour and i’m so fucking tired. i don’t want to be here right now either!” the words slip out quickly, before he can even think about them. for a split second, his face twitches with a hint of regret, but he quickly masks it again when he sees your stare piercing into his.

at that, you snap. “yeah, i can tell! you never want to be here, and i know that because you never fucking are! you’re always off on tour or at group dinners, and i basically live by myself at this point!” the words spill out uncontrollably, too late to stop them even if you tried. your tears are all dry now, the previous feeling of sadness in your body now being replaced with anger.

“you’re never here, jungwon. and even when you are, it’s like i don’t even exist to you!”

jungwon blinks at your outburst. you’ve never vocalized these feelings before, and it takes him by surprise. he had no idea you felt this way.

“y/n, that’s not fair. this is my job—you knew this when we started dating.” his voice is calmer now, but there’s a hint of wariness, as if he’s trying to tread carefully, afraid that your frustration with his career might mean you’re really ready to walk away.

before you can respond, jungwon’s phone buzzes, interrupting the charged moment. he glances at the screen, and you can see the frustration carve deeper lines on his face. “it’s my manager,” he mutters, eyes narrowed. “i can’t believe this is happening right now.”

the irony makes you scoff, jungwon head snapping away from his phone to look at you. “this is what i mean, jungwon! i know it’s not your fault but i can’t keep doing this anymore! even when you’re with me, your mind is constantly somewhere else!” you exclaim exasperatedly.

“okay, y/n, but what am i supposed to do about that?” he yells out, his voice raising once again. “i just don’t know what you want from me right now. you knew about my job since we met, you knew what you were getting into,” he breathes out, frustration filling him to the brim.

“yeah, i know, and i thought i would be okay with it, but i can’t keep waiting for you like a sad puppy while you’re out having the time of your life with who knows who.” you don’t mean that. you know you don’t. but right now you can only see red, and all you want to do is hurt him the way you’ve been hurting. 

and that you did.

your words hit jungwon in the chest like a truck. of everything that’s been said today, this one hurts the most. as if his heart wasn’t already in pieces, it feels like an anvil has crashed down on the fragments, crushing them even further. his eyes fill to the brim with tears, and he does everything he can to keep them from falling.

as your words continue to sink in, hurt flashes in his eyes. “you think i’m out there having the time of my life? with “who knows who”? you really think i would cheat on you?” he looks at you incredulously as he says that, as if he can’t believe those words even came out of your mouth. jungwon’s voice is quieter now, everything coming out in a whisper. “you have no idea how hard it is for me to leave you every time i go on tour,” he sighs, his voice laced with frustration and shock. “i’m not some asshole who’s choosing this over you. i’m doing it because i care about us, y/n! it’s like you don’t even know me anymore.”

the pain in his voice goes straight to your heart, but you know you can’t stop now. “i barely do, jungwon, that’s what i’m trying to tell you! this relationship is going nowhere because we’re never around each other anymore… i thought i’d be able to handle you constantly being away but i guess i overestimated myself.”

jungwon lets out a bitter laugh at your remark. “overestimated yourself or your love for me?” he pauses for a second before continuing, “you know what, maybe you’re right. maybe it is best if we break up,” he looks at you, his sweet brown orbs now replaced with piercing feline eyes filled with anger and sadness, “because if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have given up this easily.” his fists are clenched tightly as he speaks, nails digging into his palms almost painfully. he doesn’t really want to break up, right now he’s just throwing your words back at you in a pathetic attempt to hurt you back.

your heart sinks at his words. “oh my god, jungwon, don’t you get it? it’s been like this for months now, this isn’t a new issue,” you stand up and face him, hands reaching out for his arms to hold him down, trying to ground him to get him to listen to you. “i’ve reached my limit, jungwon. we’re at two different stages in our lives right now, and i can’t keep spending my life waiting for you while you’re out living yours,” you say, your voice much more gentle now as you watch his eyes soften back into the adorable big brown eyes you’ve always loved to lose yourself in.

he squeezes his eyes shut, struggling to contain the whirlwind of emotions swirling within him. “i can’t help my job, y/n. i want to be there for you, but you’re acting like i’m actively choosing my job over you as if i have a choice... it’s just not that simple.”

“i know, none of this is.” your hands move to brush his overgrown bangs out of his face. silence hangs heavy between you, both of you grappling with your emotions. jungwon’s gaze flickers away, and for a brief moment, he looks lost. “i didn’t realize how hard this was for you,” he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. “i just... i thought you understood.”

you soften at his sad tone, all the anger drained from your veins now. “i do, jungwon, but i feel so alone sometimes, and i can’t go on like this anymore. this is what’s best for us. for both of us.” despite the tears softly trickling down your face, your voice was steady, almost serene, as if you had been preparing yourself for this moment. jungwon’s confusion deepened, his brows knitting together as he tried to process the calmness that radiated from you.

“how can you be so calm about this?” jungwon asked with a sniffle, almost in disbelief. his voice had softened, but there was a hint of desperation behind it. “you’re just… okay with breaking up? just like that?” his heart drops to the bottom of his stomach with the realization that this is really happening. you’re really breaking up with him right now. his eyes fill with tears for the nth time this evening as he looks at you, waiting for an answer.

you met his gaze, and for a moment, jungwon saw a flicker of something he couldn’t quite place—was it resignation, or acceptance? he couldn’t tell, and that only made him feel more unsettled.

“i don’t know, jungwon,” you replied with a sigh, glancing away for a moment. “i’ve thought about this so much… and maybe i’ve just come to terms with it. we need different things, jungwon. you need someone who’ll be okay with your busy schedule, and i need someone who’s always going to be there for me.”

at your last sentence, jungwon’s resolve breaks, salty tears flowing out of his beautiful eyes. 

you need someone who’ll always be there for you. you’re saying you need someone else. 

hearing you say that you need more than him pains him to no end, as if each word is a dagger to his heart. he feels a surge of panic, the thought of a future without you consuming him. his mind races, replaying every moment, every laugh, every shared dream, and he realizes how much he’s taken for granted. he wants to scream, to tell you that he can change, that he can be better, but the words feel stuck in his throat. instead, he stares at you, feeling helpless and terrified, grappling with the reality that the love of his life feels abandoned in a relationship he thought was built on understanding.

jungwon’s face crumples at the thought of you needing someone else, his expression torn between hurt and understanding. “you’re right,” he says after a moment, his voice barely above a whisper. “i haven’t been giving you what you need, and i hate that i’ve made you feel so alone.”

your eyes widen as jungwon gets on his knees as he reaches for your hands, holding them tightly in his, as if anchoring himself. “y/n, i know i’ve been so focused on my job that i haven’t been there for you. but i don’t want you to feel like you need more than what i can give. i want to be enough for you—i need to be enough for you. i’m ready to change, to do whatever it takes to make this work.”

“jungwon—” he cuts you off as he notices your hesitancy to accept his words. 

“please, y/n. i’m not letting you go like this. not when i know i can give you what you need. just give me a chance to show you. please, baby, don’t leave me like this.” his hands are wrapped around your smaller ones, his watery, pleading eyes looking up at you as he begs you to stay with him.

you want to believe him, you really do. you’re just scared of nothing changing. he opens his mouth to speak again when he notices your silence. his grip on your hands tightens, as if he’s afraid you might slip away. “i know i’ve messed up,” he says, his voice raw and honest. “but i’m willing to fight for us. i’ll make time for you, i’ll change for you. just give me the chance to prove that i can be the boyfriend you deserve. the one you need.”

“please, princess, trust me.”

you feel a tear run down your cheek at his words. “i’m scared, jungwon. but i want to believe you. we can try again, but if things don’t change…” your words trail off, shaking your head while looking into his eyes, gesturing that this is his last chance.

“i understand, baby,” he replies, his tone earnest. “and i swear i’ll make it happen. i’ll show you that i can put you first. just please don’t walk away from me. i love you so much, y/n.”

“i love you too, jungwon.” you smile at him, a twinge of sadness still evident in your expression, a result of the heated argument you two just had. you pull him up by his cheeks, your lips meeting his a kiss filled with love, fear, and relief. you taste the saltiness of his tears on his lips as they continue to fall from his eyes. when you pull away from him, he gently drags you down onto the bed with him, his warm body enveloping yours in a tight embrace. you hear his uncontrollable sniffles coming from behind you, making you turn to face him. your hands instinctively move to his face to wipe his tears away, and his eyes close at the feeling of your fingers carefully treading his soft skin.

“wonie, baby, it’s okay, i’m here with you.” you whisper to him, kissing his nose in reassurance, trying to soothe his emotions that are still in the process of coming down from their high. his heart rate starts to slow at the sound of your sweet voice calling him by your nicknames for him again.

“i just can’t believe i almost lost you, princess. that was so scary,” your heart aches knowing that you made him hurt like that, but at the same time, you knew it had to be done. “please don’t ever do that to me again. i promise i’ll never give you a reason to feel like you need more than me ever again.” his hands move to rest on top of yours which are still placed on his cheeks.

“i won’t, baby. i didn’t want to hurt you, but i guess i needed you to understand how i felt. i never wanted to bring it up before because i didn’t want to add my needs to your already full plate.” you can’t shake the slight feeling of embarrassment that rises at the realization that this whole argument happened because you hid this one thing from him.

“you can always tell me anything, my love. your needs are my priority, your happiness being the most important thing to me over everything else in the world. please don’t ever think otherwise.” his eyes don’t leave your glossy, embarrassed ones as he speaks, ensuring that you remember his words. his chapped lips move to leave a soft kiss on your forehead, his lips barely grazing your skin as if he’s scared you’ll fade away at his touch. “and next time there’s something on your mind, please just tell me as soon as it comes up. slapping a bandaid on it is just going to let it fester and blow up again, and i can’t stress enough how badly i don’t want to lose you.” 

“i understand, wonie. i’m not going anywhere.”

he nods, relief washing over his features. “no more hiding our feelings, okay?” a small smile breaking through his tears.

“okay,” you promise, feeling the warmth of his hands still cradling yours, grounding you in the moment.

as the concert comes to an end, you watch jungwon’s sweet grin as he waves goodbye to his fans. fans. honestly, that’s what you’re starting to feel like too. it’s been months since you felt his presence in yours—even when he’s with you, it feels like his mind is spiraling elsewhere, never keeping his attention on you. is it his fault? of course not, and you know that. being as young as he is, and having as many responsibilities as he has can definitely take a toll on someone, especially on top of constantly being on the road. although you’ve always been supportive of him, there are times where you feel like you’re not getting enough back. this is something that’s been in the back of your mind for a while now, but you could never bring yourself to voice it to him. you know how much jungwon appreciates your support and care, and you cannot fathom putting more of a burden on him when he’s already so stressed and busy. so, you stay silent, just as you always have. it’s just a little seed of concern anyway.

what you didn’t notice though is how over the years, that seed of concern started growing as resentment in the silence of your heart, spreading roots that tangled with your love for him, making it harder and harder to separate the two.

your thoughts and worries fade into nothing as you fall into a quiet slumber, your body curling into just one side of the bed in jungwon's absence.

--

the day of jungwon's return home arrives like any other. it’s a routine you’ve fallen into—knowing he'll walk through the door sometime in the evening, bringing with him the familiar mix of exhaustion and relief. as you await his arrival, you decide to make his favourite dinner as a small surprise. 

as you prepare the dining table, you hear the rattling of the door knob, turning around just in time to see your fatigued boyfriend come through the door. despite his exhaustion, he wears a lazy smile on his face, always so happy to see you.

“wonie! i missed you so much!” you jump into his embrace, his arms instinctually wrapping around you, dropping his bags in the process. you feel his face fall into the crook of your neck, taking a deep breath as if to ingrain your scent into his mind.

“i missed you a lot too, baby,” he pulls back to look at you and give you a chaste kiss before setting you down, keeping his arms wrapped around you. “i’m hungry as hell though. we had snacks for the road but fuckass sunghoon ate them all in the first half of the ride.” 

you snicker at his expression of distaste towards his friend’s actions. “well, lucky for you, i made your favourite!” you gesture towards the table set up with your home cooked meal. you watch jungwon’s eyes sparkle with excitement as he looks between you and the dining table. you feel his arms wrap around you tighter as he pecks the top of your head. “what did i do to deserve you, y/n…” he asks rhetorically, affection prominent in his voice.

“yeah, sometimes i ask myself the same thing,” you reply teasingly.

as you two start to eat away at your hard work, jungwon tells you all about what happened at the concerts they had in the past two months. 

“no way, he did that? oh my god, that’s so dangerous!”

“i’m serious, he jumped off the platform while it was still in the air! it was insane, but you know what jay’s like during concerts, so it’s not too shocking.”

you sigh as you poke the food on your plate with your spoon. “i wish i could’ve been there. the livestream didn’t show that,” you huff.

jungwon smiles at your pouting. “well, we’re having a show here in two weeks, so you can come to that one!”

he looks at you expectantly, waiting for your squeal of excitement, but it doesn’t come. what he gets instead is a blank stare, that quickly turns into a hesitant smile. “oh, nice!” you try to muster up as much excitement as you can, but your disappointment is too evident. he just came back and they’ve already planned the next concerts, meaning he’s not going to be around at all for those two weeks since he’ll be too busy preparing and practicing. you’re going to be alone again. you can’t help but feel a bit selfish for thinking this way, but you’re starting to feel like you don’t know how much longer you can handle this for. at the same time, you feel like you can’t bring it up because you don’t want to burden jungwon even further.

he raises an eyebrow at you. “nice? that’s all i get? i thought you’d be more excited about this.”

“i am excited, wonie,” you lie as you start to get up to clear your plate when you feel your eyes begin to burn with tears. as you walk towards and into the kitchen, his eyes don’t leave your face for a second.

“okay, obviously you’re not, y/n. i know you, and i know when you’re not telling the truth,” he says, his eyebrows so furrowed that they’re almost connected. “what’s wrong?”

an uncomfortable tension starts to settle in the air as you continue to lie to him. “nothing’s wrong! i’m just tired.” you hope he didn’t hear the slight crack in your voice as the tears start threatening to fall. unfortunately for you, jungwon knows you better than you know yourself and he knows when you’re upset. he heard the familiar crack loud and clear, and he knows exactly what it means.

“wait, baby, are you crying?”

you swallow down the tears rising in an attempt to hide them from jungwon. “no, what do you mean?” you try to mask your sadness with a chuckle, but jungwon knows you better than that.

“my love, you know you can tell me anything, right? talk to me,” he says softly.

and apparently, that’s your last straw. the second his words hit your ear, the dam breaks.

alarms blare in his mind as soon as he sees the first tear fall, screaming for him to get up and wrap you into his chest, as he usually does in this type of situation. and so, that’s exactly what he does, just as he has in the past. the only difference here is that when he reaches for your crying form, you brush him off and leave for your room. jungwon feels his heart crack while he watches you walk away from him in this state. this is the first time he’s felt like he didn’t know how to help you, since he doesn’t even know what he’s done wrong.

after hearing the door of your shared room shut, jungwon cleans up the rest of the dining table. he decided to give you some space to cool down, while also giving himself some space to figure out how to approach this. now that he’s thinking about it, he hasn’t seen you cry in months. you’ve always put on a smile for him, and now he can’t help but wonder what he's been missing. after what feels like a long few minutes, he decides he can't wait any longer and heads to your room. he doesn't want to push too soon, but he can't stand the thought of you hurting alone. lifting his hand to knock on the door, he calls out for you.

“y/n? can i come in?” hearing a muffled noise of approval from your side of the door, he hesitantly enters the room. the first thing he sees is you lying under the covers with your back facing him.

you feel a dip in the bed behind you as he sits next to your sad figure. not knowing what to say, he gently smooths down your hair, hoping to relieve you from even an ounce of your heartache. the tenderness of the act, although small, is enough for you to start crying again.

before jungwon came into the room, your mind was reeling with thoughts about how this is going to work out. how can you tell him that you need more from him when he’s already working himself to the bone for his career? you can’t put that pressure on him, so instead you came to the conclusion that maybe it’s time to let go. he deserves to focus on his career, and you can’t keep waiting for someone who's never fully present. when he starts petting your head to cheer you up, the guilt hits you like a truck. you sit up, thinking it’s better if you just bite the bullet now.

jungwon worriedly looks into your teary eyes, now filled with sadness and a hint of something more complex. he’s never seen you like this before, and it scares him. sure, he’s seen you cry before. many times actually. after all, you’ve been together for two and a half years. but usually, the first thing you do when you’re upset is lean to him for comfort. the second he opens his arms for you, you fall right into them. this time, it almost feels like you’re pushing him away, like you don’t want his help. and that terrifies him. 

his eyes are stuck on your wandering ones, as you don’t have it in you to look at him as you say this. jungwon’s hand goes to hold your cheek, gently urging you on, encouraging you to speak. he holds you so softly, so delicately, as if you’re the most fragile thing in the world. your eyes shut with guilt. you need to get it out now, before the moment slips away from you.

“jungwon, i don’t think i can do this anymore.” your eyes are still closed, afraid that seeing his face will make you regret your decision. the words leave your mouth much weaker than you intended them to, but jungwon hears you loud and clear. hoping you don’t mean what he thinks you mean, he asks for confirmation.

“what can’t you do anymore, darling?” although you can’t see him, you hear the shakiness in his voice, suggesting that he’s holding back tears. when you finally open your eyes, you’re met with the view of his glistening eyes and sad smile, as if he’s unable to accept your words.

your heart aches at his state, but you have to do this. for the sake of both you and him. “jungwon, please don’t make this harder than it has to be.” 

his heart shatters at that. disbelief, sadness, and anger seeps into his bones. harder than it has to be? his beloved girlfriend of almost three years is breaking up with him, is this supposed to be easy? 

what part of losing you could ever be easy?

“what? are you serious?” he manages to muster out, the words barely audible in his state of shock.

he stands up from the bed, hand going straight through his hair in frustration. “okay, y/n, what the fuck is going on? why are you doing this? you’re breaking up with me, for no reason, and you think i’m just going to be okay with it? what, you think i’m not going to fight for us?” 

“jungwon, i’m sorry--”

“no, y/n, you’re not sorry, because this isn’t happening. we’re not breaking up, because there’s literally no reason to.” he looks at you with a twinge of insanity lingering behind his eyes. have you lost your mind? no way in hell is he letting you go, especially when you two have been fine until now.

but now you’re starting to get frustrated with the tone he’s taking with you. jungwon’s talking to you like you’re crazy, as if this is something you decided on a whim. you’ve both raised your voices at each other before, but this time it feels like new territory. “alright, tone it down, jungwon.” you say, gentle but firm.

your demand seems to anger him even further as he stares at you with disbelief etched into his features.

“oh my god, y/n, can you even hear yourself? telling me to tone it down when you just tried to dump me, of course i’m going to be upset!”

“i really don’t want to fight right now—”

“do you think i want this to be happening right now? of course not! i just came back from tour and i’m so fucking tired. i don’t want to be here right now either!” the words slip out quickly, before he can even think about them. for a split second, his face twitches with a hint of regret, but he quickly masks it again when he sees your stare piercing into his.

at that, you snap. “yeah, i can tell! you never want to be here, and i know that because you never fucking are! you’re always off on tour or at group dinners, and i basically live by myself at this point!” the words spill out uncontrollably, too late to stop them even if you tried. your tears are all dry now, the previous feeling of sadness in your body now being replaced with anger.

“you’re never here, jungwon. and even when you are, it’s like i don’t even exist to you!”

jungwon blinks at your outburst. you’ve never vocalized these feelings before, and it takes him by surprise. he had no idea you felt this way.

“y/n, that’s not fair. this is my job—you knew this when we started dating.” his voice is calmer now, but there’s a hint of wariness, as if he’s trying to tread carefully, afraid that your frustration with his career might mean you’re really ready to walk away.

before you can respond, jungwon’s phone buzzes, interrupting the charged moment. he glances at the screen, and you can see the frustration carve deeper lines on his face. “it’s my manager,” he mutters, eyes narrowed. “i can’t believe this is happening right now.”

the irony makes you scoff, jungwon head snapping away from his phone to look at you. “this is what i mean, jungwon! i know it’s not your fault but i can’t keep doing this anymore! even when you’re with me, your mind is constantly somewhere else!” you exclaim exasperatedly.

“okay, y/n, but what am i supposed to do about that?” he yells out, his voice raising once again. “i just don’t know what you want from me right now. you knew about my job since we met, you knew what you were getting into,” he breathes out, frustration filling him to the brim.

“yeah, i know, and i thought i would be okay with it, but i can’t keep waiting for you like a sad puppy while you’re out having the time of your life with who knows who.” you don’t mean that. you know you don’t. but right now you can only see red, and all you want to do is hurt him the way you’ve been hurting. 

and that you did.

your words hit jungwon in the chest like a truck. of everything that’s been said today, this one hurts the most. as if his heart wasn’t already in pieces, it feels like an anvil has crashed down on the fragments, crushing them even further. his eyes fill to the brim with tears, and he does everything he can to keep them from falling.

as your words continue to sink in, hurt flashes in his eyes. “you think i’m out there having the time of my life? with “who knows who”? you really think i would cheat on you?” he looks at you incredulously as he says that, as if he can’t believe those words even came out of your mouth. jungwon’s voice is quieter now, everything coming out in a whisper. “you have no idea how hard it is for me to leave you every time i go on tour,” he sighs, his voice laced with frustration and shock. “i’m not some asshole who’s choosing this over you. i’m doing it because i care about us, y/n! it’s like you don’t even know me anymore.”

the pain in his voice goes straight to your heart, but you know you can’t stop now. “i barely do, jungwon, that’s what i’m trying to tell you! this relationship is going nowhere because we’re never around each other anymore… i thought i’d be able to handle you constantly being away but i guess i overestimated myself.”

jungwon lets out a bitter laugh at your remark. “overestimated yourself or your love for me?” he pauses for a second before continuing, “you know what, maybe you’re right. maybe it is best if we break up,” he looks at you, his sweet brown orbs now replaced with piercing feline eyes filled with anger and sadness, “because if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have given up this easily.” his fists are clenched tightly as he speaks, nails digging into his palms almost painfully. he doesn’t really want to break up, right now he’s just throwing your words back at you in a pathetic attempt to hurt you back.

your heart sinks at his words. “oh my god, jungwon, don’t you get it? it’s been like this for months now, this isn’t a new issue,” you stand up and face him, hands reaching out for his arms to hold him down, trying to ground him to get him to listen to you. “i’ve reached my limit, jungwon. we’re at two different stages in our lives right now, and i can’t keep spending my life waiting for you while you’re out living yours,” you say, your voice much more gentle now as you watch his eyes soften back into the adorable big brown eyes you’ve always loved to lose yourself in.

he squeezes his eyes shut, struggling to contain the whirlwind of emotions swirling within him. “i can’t help my job, y/n. i want to be there for you, but you’re acting like i’m actively choosing my job over you as if i have a choice... it’s just not that simple.”

“i know, none of this is.” your hands move to brush his overgrown bangs out of his face. silence hangs heavy between you, both of you grappling with your emotions. jungwon’s gaze flickers away, and for a brief moment, he looks lost. “i didn’t realize how hard this was for you,” he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. “i just... i thought you understood.”

you soften at his sad tone, all the anger drained from your veins now. “i do, jungwon, but i feel so alone sometimes, and i can’t go on like this anymore. this is what’s best for us. for both of us.” despite the tears softly trickling down your face, your voice was steady, almost serene, as if you had been preparing yourself for this moment. jungwon’s confusion deepened, his brows knitting together as he tried to process the calmness that radiated from you.

“how can you be so calm about this?” jungwon asked with a sniffle, almost in disbelief. his voice had softened, but there was a hint of desperation behind it. “you’re just… okay with breaking up? just like that?” his heart drops to the bottom of his stomach with the realization that this is really happening. you’re really breaking up with him right now. his eyes fill with tears for the nth time this evening as he looks at you, waiting for an answer.

you met his gaze, and for a moment, jungwon saw a flicker of something he couldn’t quite place—was it resignation, or acceptance? he couldn’t tell, and that only made him feel more unsettled.

“i don’t know, jungwon,” you replied with a sigh, glancing away for a moment. “i’ve thought about this so much… and maybe i’ve just come to terms with it. we need different things, jungwon. you need someone who’ll be okay with your busy schedule, and i need someone who’s always going to be there for me.”

at your last sentence, jungwon’s resolve breaks, salty tears flowing out of his beautiful eyes. 

you need someone who’ll always be there for you. you’re saying you need someone else. 

hearing you say that you need more than him pains him to no end, as if each word is a dagger to his heart. he feels a surge of panic, the thought of a future without you consuming him. his mind races, replaying every moment, every laugh, every shared dream, and he realizes how much he’s taken for granted. he wants to scream, to tell you that he can change, that he can be better, but the words feel stuck in his throat. instead, he stares at you, feeling helpless and terrified, grappling with the reality that the love of his life feels abandoned in a relationship he thought was built on understanding.

jungwon’s face crumples at the thought of you needing someone else, his expression torn between hurt and understanding. “you’re right,” he says after a moment, his voice barely above a whisper. “i haven’t been giving you what you need, and i hate that i’ve made you feel so alone.”

your eyes widen as jungwon gets on his knees as he reaches for your hands, holding them tightly in his, as if anchoring himself. “y/n, i know i’ve been so focused on my job that i haven’t been there for you. but i don’t want you to feel like you need more than what i can give. i want to be enough for you—i need to be enough for you. i’m ready to change, to do whatever it takes to make this work.”

“jungwon—” he cuts you off as he notices your hesitancy to accept his words. 

“please, y/n. i’m not letting you go like this. not when i know i can give you what you need. just give me a chance to show you. please, baby, don’t leave me like this.” his hands are wrapped around your smaller ones, his watery, pleading eyes looking up at you as he begs you to stay with him.

you want to believe him, you really do. you’re just scared of nothing changing. he opens his mouth to speak again when he notices your silence. his grip on your hands tightens, as if he’s afraid you might slip away. “i know i’ve messed up,” he says, his voice raw and honest. “but i’m willing to fight for us. i’ll make time for you, i’ll change for you. just give me the chance to prove that i can be the boyfriend you deserve. the one you need.”

“please, princess, trust me.”

you feel a tear run down your cheek at his words. “i’m scared, jungwon. but i want to believe you. we can try again, but if things don’t change…” your words trail off, shaking your head while looking into his eyes, gesturing that this is his last chance.

“i understand, baby,” he replies, his tone earnest. “and i swear i’ll make it happen. i’ll show you that i can put you first. just please don’t walk away from me. i love you so much, y/n.”

“i love you too, jungwon.” you smile at him, a twinge of sadness still evident in your expression, a result of the heated argument you two just had. you pull him up by his cheeks, your lips meeting his a kiss filled with love, fear, and relief. you taste the saltiness of his tears on his lips as they continue to fall from his eyes. when you pull away from him, he gently drags you down onto the bed with him, his warm body enveloping yours in a tight embrace. you hear his uncontrollable sniffles coming from behind you, making you turn to face him. your hands instinctively move to his face to wipe his tears away, and his eyes close at the feeling of your fingers carefully treading his soft skin.

“wonie, baby, it’s okay, i’m here with you.” you whisper to him, kissing his nose in reassurance, trying to soothe his emotions that are still in the process of coming down from their high. his heart rate starts to slow at the sound of your sweet voice calling him by your nicknames for him again.

“i just can’t believe i almost lost you, princess. that was so scary,” your heart aches knowing that you made him hurt like that, but at the same time, you knew it had to be done. “please don’t ever do that to me again. i promise i’ll never give you a reason to feel like you need more than me ever again.” his hands move to rest on top of yours which are still placed on his cheeks.

“i won’t, baby. i didn’t want to hurt you, but i guess i needed you to understand how i felt. i never wanted to bring it up before because i didn’t want to add my needs to your already full plate.” you can’t shake the slight feeling of embarrassment that rises at the realization that this whole argument happened because you hid this one thing from him.

“you can always tell me anything, my love. your needs are my priority, your happiness being the most important thing to me over everything else in the world. please don’t ever think otherwise.” his eyes don’t leave your glossy, embarrassed ones as he speaks, ensuring that you remember his words. his chapped lips move to leave a soft kiss on your forehead, his lips barely grazing your skin as if he’s scared you’ll fade away at his touch. “and next time there’s something on your mind, please just tell me as soon as it comes up. slapping a bandaid on it is just going to let it fester and blow up again, and i can’t stress enough how badly i don’t want to lose you.” 

“i understand, wonie. i’m not going anywhere.”

he nods, relief washing over his features. “no more hiding our feelings, okay?” a small smile breaking through his tears.

“okay,” you promise, feeling the warmth of his hands still cradling yours, grounding you in the moment.