huda

im a certified scrambled egg girl but its fine im still capable and too sweet 🤸‍♀️

counter of how many times i almost left my purse behind today if someone didnt say something: 3!

in other news, ive been trying to objectively assess myself in relation to other people (wow totally not a neurotic thing to say 😅) attempting to minus my insecurities when i do this (so unbecoming to constantly hate urself..) and

conclusion/affirmation:

i instinctively project a ~something safe~ that makes other people comfortable around me. observed this specifically today when i spoke to someone who was caught off my guard by my presence and projecting awkwardness about it- immediately injected casual air and validation into my voice, despite my own feeling of awkwardness- and i was like where is this confidence coming from!? attentive gaze ON with ease, eye contact not an issue, reassuring smiles and quick positive replies/feedback, conversation carried smoothly- its NOT because im good socially or a confident person but i think because i was simply just genuinely interested in what this lady had to tell me and it made the replies/questions come instantly/naturally..almost impulsively. i wasnt overthinking it because i was so focused on listening to what she had to say.

my investment in her words/story > my tendency to overthink my general presence

there is something significant abt that because my tendency to overthink often controls me. and i think the significance is that its possible that my deep curiosity about people can be even more important to me than my own ego. (trust me, i AM a victim of my own ego) (my fixation on self-hate is not cute or noble)

its important to me that i remember that my mind seriously has the ability to move on from hating myself. cuz simply put- there are more important things in this world! like connecting with other people the way i did today ❤️ why fixate on all the little awkward moments (those will never stop happening) when theres the way she smiled when i couldn’t hold in the “woah!!! thats really cool” all wide-eyed. off-duty from hyper-monitoring because i dont actually know how to balance both at once. (my hyper-vigilance with my sincere investment)

and looking at what was observably a real smile, it would be stupid for me to deny its authenticity- just so that i could keep holding on so tightly to my shame narratives. is that not such an obnoxious type of person to be?

framing it now as: my care came through as genuine which prompted a genuine smile in return. makes me sweet. not weird and awkward and strange and dumb. no need to paint myself in shame because of how i grew up. again, its no noble cause to hate yourself.

i know this abt myself- that when i have to pretend/limit myself in any capacity i become soooooo extremely awkward and stilted about it but i can see that it morphs into this glowing sincerity when i get the opportunity to be authentic and theres no need to suppress the heart that clearly exists on my sleeve (said neutrally- i am NOT some infinitely kind perfect sweetheart. just honest to a fault, and i can pinpoint that to starting in 2021, which- long story. i really do malfunction when i cant be honest now, and there are some brutally significant places where i have to stay repressed at this point in my life- the defining core of my depression)

anyways. i do feel lighter today.

knowing (and actually believing in the significance of it for once) that im someone that brings out soft smiles in people. someone that has the capacity to really, truly, show that i care.

ive been a psychiatry hater sitting with the “your every action is NOT a symptom of a mental illness” thought for so long now that when i see people obsessed with their bpd or adhd or whatever i genuinely dont understand it and feel bad for them.

there r so many more interesting/expansive things to do in this world with your self-concept than hyper-pathologizing and labeling every step u take as a symptom of a mental illness..viewing ur life through the lens of “im mentally ill” without any nuance can be so repressive and bleak..i wish people could be free of that.

identity is sooooo complicated and layered and it can be really fun to play around and experiment with- why limit ur identity to psychiatry labels and decide there must be something strictly Wrong With You. “ive decided my brain chemistry is weird so i must not be like other people” ok but what if ur still just a person like anyone else and life is still just weird in general..people can and do come in all kinds of different variations, normal varies, that should be acknowledged more than it is?? just because someone strays from your normal doesn’t mean they r big-time mentally ill and need to be suppressed and medicated..expand the view of what “normal” is please because western society has made it too limited for too many people.

in my head, the term mental illness is reserved for zionists, terfs, racists, etc. i mean, they have something genuinely wrong with them. immoral and nasty. they r the ill ones.

im not trying to say the idea of mental illness should be stigmatized, what im trying to say is that the term itself is flawed. its not encompassing enough of what it means to be a person who is hurt and struggling. it ignores sooo much context of what is causing the hurt and struggle like capitalism, colonization, poverty, etc. ive never looked at a person dealing with mental health struggles and felt like its just their unique brain chemistry causing all of it. that theyre “ill” and thats that. they r existing in the much greater context of our fucked-up, unstable, world. if ur well-adjusted in this society, thats no measure of health..as the saying goes.

i watched “free solo” yesterday abt some guy who climbed a 3,000 ft cliff without ropes- crazy ik. but hear me out, some doctors offered to do a MRI on him because they were like “ur brain must be abnormal” and it rubbed me the wrong way because why cant people try and see other peoples POV, there are real reasons this “crazy” thing is appealing to him. it doesnt have to mean that he has to be defined as a freak if you can expand ur view of what people r able to realistically desire. he would be gaining the reputation of doing something no one in the world had ever done before and i also imagine the appeal of doing something by definition, perfectly, no room for errors, drew him in.

when mitski said this … i think about it a lot, putting on my makeup, styling an outfit, wondering just how desperately chained i am to people finding me even a little bit pretty. <- something that does not matter, except it does…because people treat someone they find “pretty” softer. (stupid) (but unfortunately, thats how it is)

do i actually like ~dressing up~ or am i just obsessed with chasing the high of being perceived as pretty by people? 🫥