Disenchanted

I’ve posted several times before here whenever I wasn’t doing well but I was never quite detailed about it and so that everyone doesn’t misunderstand my absence, I decided to make this post. 

For the past years I’ve been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Major Depression. For the last couple of years, Social Anxiety has been added to this list. 

I haven’t been doing well for a long time and to make it worse, I had to stop medication and visiting my psychiatrist cause I lost my job back in December. I couldn’t afford the visits to the doctor neither could I afford the medication. Things were okay for a little bit but a few months back, it all started going downhill. 

Since then, even though it’s been like this for a long time too, the only thoughts in my head are that I want to die, I don’t want to exist anymore and I want the pain I feel to be over. That’s my depression talking- and on the other hand I have to deal with my anxiety which makes me terrified of everything. I can’t leave my house, sometimes I can’t leave my room. The littlest of things makes me cry and I’ve been living in a cave, in my own bubble.

I had so many important places I should have been to support friends who are sick, to give myself opportunities to grow my career but I’ve stayed home instead. I am terrified of any kind of social event, even now at my new job- there’s only four of us but I still struggle to be close and communicate with them. There’s several days that I will just be sitting at my job and start crying because how miserable I am.

I’ve thought of killing myself, I’ve tried. I’ve had panic attacks that were so bad they had to put me into the hospital with an IV that had Valium in it to calm me down because otherwise I wouldn’t. My blood pressure and my heartbeat were too high, I had tachycardia for hours on end until they injected the Valium on me. This was back in July, since then I did calm down a bit but my fear of being around people got worse as did my depression. No matter if it’s in real life, through messages, Tumblr, etc. I’ve seen my mother cried at the bottom of the hospital bed while looking at me and it made me feel like shit, it only works my head to make me feel worse about who I am and how I’m a burden to those I care about. 

My latest severe attack was this Saturday, August 31st. Luckily, my mom found me on time and helped me calm down. 

At this point I’m really scared of what will happen of what I could do so all this time I’ve been staying in my little bubble to try and minimize anything that could trigger me. The pressure of being here, at work or anywhere else where I know people is waiting for me or expecting something from me is absolutely terrifying that it brings me down on my knees, making me want to disappear. 

And all of these fills me with an incredibly amount of guilt which only makes it worse. Because I hate being like this and I hate disappointing people because of it.

Thus, I’ve been taking an indefinite hiatus. I love the people here and the relationships we have made and I have no plans of leaving. I just ask for forgiveness and understanding. I’m sorry that you have to put up with someone like this, I feel like a huge burden to everyone around me. I feel like I have no future and no reason to stay alive. And I have to struggle with these thoughts every day. I actually damn every day that I wake up- because it means I’m still alive and I still need to put up with these things on a daily basis.

In September, I have a new appointment with my psychiatrist to start medication again, hoping it will help.

For those who don’t understand these illnesses very well, I’m leaving links of a few short films that describe how I feel really well:

This is what depression feels like

Living with Depression (this one I relate to so much)

FEAR [short film] (generalized anxiety disorder experience)

Explaining my depression to my mother (another that hits home)