(Okay so this is gonna be in sections. I’m not a great writer so please bare with me. This fic follows the events of all three films and about 10 years past. It revolves around Chad's journey coming to terms with his sexuality. It’s just some random ideas and things I’ve imagined and I’m not that good at explaining things. Sorry if this is shit.)
(This first chapter is chad dealing with his feelings for Troy [don’t worry chyan is endgame but I’m setting something up here okay] i will be adding each new chapter into this post as I go so I’ve pinned it. Enjoy!)
Chapter One - The start of something new
The guilt was eating him alive. Troy was miserable and Chad was the reason for this shit storm. He knew it was selfish every step of the way , but that rush he got from hearing Troy denounce Gabriella now made him feel ill. Gabriella seemed like a nice girl, but just looking at her filled him with this web of white hot rage that he couldn’t begin to untangle.
It was the way Troy said her name that got to him the most. Like it was some delicate vase that could break at any moment if used wrong. And the singing, oh the singing, it just poured gasoline onto an already raging inferno. And he knew he was being irrational, Chad understood that. But they didn’t do that kind of shit. They weren’t like that. They didn’t prance around on stage, belting out show tunes. He didn’t like any of this. It made him all itchy and got him worked up. Hell he didn’t even know Troy cared about musicals or any of that other shit. And maybe that’s what made him so mad. That there was a part of Troy he never knew about, a part that she got to have, a part that she brought out in him that he couldn’t. And fuck, it was so easy when she wasn’t there. He could pretend that none of it mattered. He thought maybe, If he could pull them apart, show Troy he was better off with basketball and with his best friend, that everything could go back to the way it was. Troy was just so fucking mopey and damn if that didn’t sting. That she had so much power over him, power that Chad couldn’t let himself want.
Troy was just about the best thing in his life and he wasn’t about to lose that over stupid feelings he didn’t even want to think about. Having Taylor back him up made it easier. Taylor was actually really cool. She was painfully honest and funny as all hell. She was maddeningly beautiful and smarter than anyone he had ever met. And okay, Chad couldn’t pretend he hadn’t thought about kissing her, a lot.
Plan: “get Gabriella and Troy back together and on stage” was a go. The lump in his gut had him second guessing it. For a split second he wanted to be selfish and keep Troy all to himself. But every time he made contact with Taylor it was easier to cope with and he knew what he had to do.
The timing was crucial and they’d just pulled it off by the skin of their teeth. And okay, they were good, a whole lot better than Chad thought they’d be. He’d never even heard Troy sing before. And even though that thought tugged at an ache in his chest, the way Troy’s body seemed to smile with him, pure joy coming off him in waves, he knew he had done the right thing.
Once the mess of the callbacks, the game and the decathlon had settled they were all riding the high of their ridiculous plan actually coming together.
When Troy puts his hand on Chad's shoulder to turn him around, Chad ignores what that touch does to his insides. Troy’s grin almost splits his whole face open.
“That was amazing. Like fucking amazing. And like bro, I know what you’re gonna say, but like being up there man, on stage, it’s fucking insane. I kind of felt unstoppable.”
And maybe the whole musicals thing still puts him on edge, but if that's what it took to get Troy to look like that, electric and restless, this gorgeous, bright and beaming mess, he’d set those feelings aside. And it’s when Troy says,”and man being up there with her. I just- look at her man! But she’s not just hot either, she’s smart, like wicked smart. And her mom makes these brownies. And she funny and so fucking talented. I’m gonna go for it man. I think I'm just gonna go for it.” His whole world shifts. It was the inevitable. The grain of truth he couldn’t swallow. And so he went to find Taylor and when she opened her mouth to say something he just went for it and kissed her.
“Wow. That was, wow. I usually ask boys to buy dinner first. But you’re lucky you’re cute.” And he kissed her again. And kissed her till she was laughing into his mouth and then he was laughing and it was good. It was so good and easy. So much easier than whatever it was Troy’s smiles and hands and presence did to Chad's stomach.
When the locker room was near deserted. He locked eyes with his reflection. Loose curls, pulled down by excess water, obscured his vision. He made no move to push them away. Something about watching himself was intimate in a way he didn’t like. He didn’t mind mirrors mostly, but on nights like this looking at himself felt a lot like lying. He didn’t always recognise the person staring back.
He huffed and the growing anxiety bubbled and popped as he slammed a fist into one of the lockers. A startled Yelp caught his attention as Ryan Evans, of all people, was seemingly exiting one of the gross locker room stalls.
“I- are you okay?” He didn’t like Ryan. He hated thinking about why that was. He’d never do anything to the guy. But he was Sharpay's little lapdog and though no one ever said it, the hats and hip swaying never went unnoticed. Chad knew stereotypes could be dangerous. He was a black boy living in America. But it was hard to picture, sparkly, pink, bleach blonde Ryan Evans as anything less than a grade A homosexual. Chad wasn’t a homophobe. He wasn’t. He loved his aunt Tessie and her wife, Auntie Jasmine. He wouldn’t let himself be a homophobe. But Ryan wasn’t like Tess. He was obnoxious about it. It’s like he was rubbing it in everyone’s faces and Chad just thought that it was all too much. And god, practically everyone could see Ryan’s hard on for Troy. It was painful watching him fumble his way through conversations with him. His desperation almost as bad as his sister’s. Chad wasn’t a homophobe. He couldn’t be. He wouldn’t let that be the reason.
When the silence had stretched near to the point of snapping Chad finally spoke up.
“Yeah I’m fine.” And maybe that came out way harsher than he meant it to. And fuck Ryan started to frown, just a little bit. His brow creased with confusion and Chad knew he was being a dick.
“Look man. I’m sorry. I just - a lot on my mind. But honestly I’m fine.” Ryan’s expression didn’t change but he didn’t say anything else. The sound of the running water was almost unbearable and relief nearly drowned Chad as soon as Ryan had left. He knew he was an asshole but he couldn’t deal with it. Any of it. Not Troy, not Gabriella and he didn’t need Ryan Evans trying to poke around in his head and getting him to “talk about his feelings,” or whatever. He had a party to get to and booze to sneak in and a pretty girl to kiss. And that was all he wanted to think about right now.
(Okay so some stuff has been altered to fit my vision. Again sorry if this is shit but here is the second chapter. Any feedback is appreciated)
Chapter two - what time is it? Summer time!
When that bell goes off they are tripping over themselves to escape. They don’t have a lot to look forward to. Just long days in the blazing heat and scouring message boards and Chat Rooms for a summer job. But for three whole months they don’t have to think about algebra, calculus or Spanish A. When Troy wraps his arm around Chad's shoulder it’s nice but it doesn’t turn his stomach inside out anymore. Troy’s happy with Gabby. And Chad, well Chad has Taylor, and Chad doesn’t have those kinds of feelings for Troy. And maybe it was just weird and muddled and those feelings were never real. Maybe he didn’t have to think about many of that shit anymore. The year was over and Chad could leave all that stuff behind.
“Do you think she’ll like it?” Chad snorts and shoves Troy lightly.
“Dude, you got her your own initial. What kind of shit is that?”
“What? No! It’s not like that.” Troy’s face was bright red and Chad knew that yeah, it kind of was like that.
“It’s like you’re branding her or some shit. If Taylor were here she’d tell you off for trying to mark your territory on Gabs and how women aren’t property for you to stake your claim.”
“That’s not - dude! That’s not what I’m doing. God do you think she’ll think that. I mean her and Taylor are like the same person.” Hardly, Chad thought. Gabby was great, she really was. But Taylor was something else. Gabriella was by no means a push over but nobody pushed Taylor around. She was fierce and loyal and mean and brilliant. They hadn’t put a label on it. Never had the “what are we talk?” People just called her his girlfriend and he just went with it. They kissed and went on sort of dates. He liked her a lot and after Troy, she was his best friend. They didn’t need to call it anything other than that. Taylor was opinionated and determined and while Gaby would be something great one day, she let her heart lead more often than her head.
“Dude it’s fine. I think she’ll love it. She’ll probably go all moony eyed and fuck you right on the spot.” And it seemed impossible but Troy’s face went even brighter and laughter ripped through Chad as he watched his best friend huff and stomp away.
The first party of the summer was always wild. The Bolton’s let a lot of things slide when it came to these blowouts. They looked away when somebody spiked the drinks and hauled up in their bedroom pretending like none of it was happening. The clean up and hangovers that followed we’re just as epic.
Chad thought he’d never stop puking. He didn’t even think he had that much of anything inside him to throw up in the first place. He sent a silent prayer of thanks to whoever was listening that his parents let him spend the weekend at Troy’s. He definitely took it too far this time. Just the thought of tequila nearly had his face back in the toilet bowl.
By the time Troy had finally gotten rid of all the bottles, Chad just stood there giving him moral support, the sun had begun to sink back into the sky. The blood orange light was bleeding into a deep navy and pooled into strips of violet where there the colours met. The air was thick and sour. Insects conducted symphonies and the smell of smoke clung to everything it could. The grass was still sticky from all the spilled liquor. Still, they lay down and stare up as the stars begin their impending assault on the clouds.
“You know. Sharpay offered me a job last night.”
“Excuse me?” Chad didn’t even try to hide his bewilderment.
“Well I think it’s for all of us. Like the whole senior class or whatever.”
“Fuck. We’re gonna be seniors next year.”
“I know it’s fucking insane. Feels like just yesterday we were scared little freshmen.”
“Hey, I was never scared or little.” Chad scoffed.
“You were fucking terrified, and you’re still little.”
“You’re like five foot eight.”
“And your what, five nine? That’s barely better.”
“Shut the fuck up.” Troy let out a belly laugh that was contagious and spread to Chad like a fever till they were both in hysterics. We must be going insane, Chad thought. Nothing was funny yet they’d dissolved into giggling school girls. These are the moments he wants to bottle up and keep to himself. The pure, unbridled joy he feels, he wants to live in it.
“So why has the ice queen offered you- sorry, us jobs? Last time I checked, you were the only one she was trying fuck.”
“Fuck off. I don’t know. But it's cool right. Working together. I mean we needed jobs and this like, just fell into our laps. I don’t know. I think we should do it. It’s at some country club. Plus I’d get to spend the whole summer with Gabriella and not just after work or when she’s not preparing for college and shit.”
“I don’t know man. It’s Sharpay. You’re right though. We do need jobs. Fuck it, I’m in.”
“Yes! Dude. This is gonna be awesome. We’ll get to lounge around a fancy ass country club and make actual cash.”
Troy’s optimism would be the death of him. This job sucks. And sure he gave a whole song and dance about how we can still have fun, and how we’ve got to work it out. But if he had to serve one more rich, old, white man who didn’t bother learning his name and tipped jackshit, he’d have an aneurysm. It didn’t help that Fulton was such a hard ass. Chad could never get it right, his hair was everywhere, his shirt was untucked, he laughed too loud and spoke too much. Chad was a heartbeat away from punching that guy in the mouth. And of course Troy could do no wrong. He was the golden boy after all. On or off the court.
Chad almost cried with relief when Fulton told them they were to be golf caddies for the afternoon. And for forty bucks an hour. And yeah Troy was hesitant but as long as he didn’t have to bring some geriatric billionaire another lobster bisque, he’d cut grass with a pair of nail scissors if asked to.
“Dude, for forty bucks an hour, I’d caddy for Godzilla.” Chad almost wished he was caddying for a giant reprialian monster. That would be easier than watching Sharpay throw herself at Troy.
Looking at Derby and Vance Evans made a little more sense of the twins. He had to hold back a laugh at every “ducky” hurled Ryan’s way. She was doting and affectionate and a little overbearing. Vance however was sort of cold. He didn’t seem rude as such, just, distant. Not with Sharpay though. No Sharpay was definitely daddy’s little girl, that’s for sure. But Ryan. It’s the way Vance grips his son's shoulder a little too tight. Brings up working out and doles out praise for Troy’s athleticism. And when Vance asks Troy to take a swing, it almost breaks Chad's heart when he looks over at Ryan, who’s trying so hard to impress him. With misplaced mentions of yoga and the way his eyes dull and his smile sags, just a little. Chad knows that feeling. Of being second best to Troy. And it’s like Vance is taunting Ryan. Dangling Troy in front of him, showing him all the things he’s not. All the things he wants him to be. And maybe Chad’s actually gone insane and is reading too much into things. But just seeing Ryan follow too closely to his dad who does a decent job of hiding his contempt. But Chad caught the sneer he gave Ryan’s clothes when he thought no one was looking. It was in the space between blinks but it was there. And he’s definitely gone insane because now he’s standing on a golf course, watching Vance and Sharpay Evans trip over themselves to worship his best friend, feeling bad for Ryan freaking Evans.
(I have written this third chapter while wine drunk so sorry if it is pure trash)
Chapter three - stick to the stuff you know!
“We work better as friends.” It wasn’t so much a breakup as it was more so a declaration. A decision. Taylor was right of course, when was she not? Chad knew this and it’s not like they were actually dating. But fuck, it stings. His pride was probably more wounded than he was but still. After a while the kissing and heavy petting had sort of just, stopped. Most nights Taylor spent with Chad were in his living room bitching about work, Fulton and Troy’s gargantuan ego. Whatever spark was between them had finally fizzled out. Hearing Taylor say it though was different, he was used to girls pining over him. He always had to break it off or let them down gently. But that faux understanding head tilt Taylor was giving him, caressing his hand, look of concern on her face, was patronising as shit. If she wasn’t like the best girl he’d ever met, he would’ve smacked her. And yeah maybe he’d made that same face every time he had to end things with some cheerleader but having it directed at him was just cruel.
He moped for about a day then moved on when Taylor bribed him with the promise of free food and warm bed to whine about Troy some more. Golden boy had not only been distant, but also kind of an asshole. And Chad wanted to be happy for him, he really did. He'd kill to play with the redhawks or even just not have to wait tables anymore. But Troy was acting all high and mighty. Like he was above it all. Like he was better than them.
Time after time, they made plans and Troy just never showed up. He had some excuse or some reason but they all just seemed so fucking empty. That’s probably when Taylor became Chad's right hand man. She was dependable and efficient. She always dove head first into the truth and spared no one when it came to honesty. There was no bullshitting with Taylor and it was a pretty refreshing change from Troy’s ever present optimism. Troy was just so thoughtless. He had the best of intentions, but his head was so far up the clouds it was a wonder how he could touch the ground.
The worst moment was when Chad thought, just for a second, a miserable and embarrassing second, that Troy was going to introduce him to one the RedHawks. And fuck, Chad should’ve known.Troy could be so fucking selfish. Chad reached out his hand and found himself holding Troy’s plate and not the hand of the pro athlete sitting across from his so called best friend.
The wrong type cheese. That sentence haunted him for the rest of the day. Troy handed him a fully intact burger and asked for a different slice of cheese. This coming from the boy who ate four day old sushi because “it doesn’t even look that bad man.” And yeah Chad had wanted to punch Troy a myriad of times before this, but he was about ten seconds away from strangling the kid.
His head was swimming with thoughts of choking Troy with copious amounts of cheddar. His shift had ended earlier than expected and he was waiting for Taylor to get off and give him a ride home. He was in desperate need of a bitching about Troy bonding session. He had meandered around Lava springs. The place was massive. His mom would call this the kind of place that rich people with too much money and not enough sense indulged in. It was almost comical how obnoxious the faux beaches and the hideous beige walls were.
And really, the door should’ve been locked or at least closed. It was just inviting Chad inside. The thrum of music. Pulsing beats, sporadic drums, magnetic synth. Like a homing beacon blasting a frequency only he could tap into, it called to him. His mother's favourite. Some eighties pop ballad he could never remember the name of.
Ryan was everything and nothing. He was graceful and wild. His moves were frantic and free. He was so very alive and it was so beautiful it hurt. Watching Ryan dance was devastating in all the best ways. Chad knew Ryan was a dancer. Everyone knew. The twins were performers . Over dramatic and annoyingly talented. That was the Evans family. Always Sharpayandryan, sometimes Sharpay and Ryan, occasionally Sharpay. But Ryan, he was electric, pure magic, a hurricane. Chad knew he wasn’t in the eye of the storm. He was in the twists and turns. The shrapnel. He knew this wasn’t a safe haven. He’d just gotten rid of this danger. Had managed to exorcise these feelings from his body. And fuck Ryan Evans. Fuck him for dancing like he was born to do it. Like he was made for it. . For moving like smoke and water. For being so fucking breath taking.
The music had finally cut out but Chad was still staring, only cast out of this spell when Ryan startled at the sight of him.
“Uh, do you - do you need something?” It took Chad a beat too long to respond.
“No. No, I’m okay. I just - I wandered off a bit too far.”
“Oh.” Ryan’s face was unreadable and for some reason that stoked the flames of the flickering irritation threatening to burn inside Chad.
“I’ll just - I’ll just head back.”
“You sure you’re okay?” And there goes nosey little Ryan Evans. Never knowing when to quit.
“Look, I said I’m fine alright. Just back off.” And shit; why did that come out so harsh? And Ryan’s knitted brows and slight frown make an appearance and Chad knows he’s being a dick.
“Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t - I didn’t mean to - Troy’s just being an ass and...I just - I didn’t mean for that to come out like that.”
“Hey! It’s okay. Really.” And an unbearable silence begins to stretch tightly so Ryan attempts to fill it with useless platitudes.
“I’m sure whatever’s going on with you and Troy - I’m sure you can work it out. Troy’s a decent guy and -” Chad honestly doesn’t mean to scoff. He tries really hard not to. But hearing Ryan jump to Troy’s defence. It’s the gasoline that ignites a flame.
“What?” Ryan is genuinely confused and his cheeks are summer strawberries and only growing brighter.
“Everybody always has his back.” Chad's laugh is bitter but he can’t help it. “Troy’s everyone’s fucking golden boy. I should’ve expected you to come to his defence.” Chad isn’t being fair. He knows this. But he has all this rage, this devastating Inferno needing to scorch anything it can touch.
“I’m not - I was just trying -”
“I mean why wouldn’t you? You’re practically obsessed. It’s pathetic.”
“Excuse me?” And fuck, Chad is being mean. So unnecessarily cruel, but Troy’s not here and someone needs to take the force of his fury.
“Watching you follow him. Eye fucking him every chance you got. You think nobody noticed? You were practically gagging for it.”
“You’re one to talk.” Chad's heart stuttered.
“What do you -”
“Oh please. You know what? Fuck you Danforth! Yeah I had a thing for Bolton. I’ll admit that. But don’t act all high and mighty. I saw you. You were like a lost little puppy when Gabriella came into his life. You think no one noticed the way you stared at him? I noticed. You were so fucking in love with him. But fuck, you’re so deep in the fucking closet and it’s painful to watch. So yea, maybe I had a crush on Bolton. But fuck, you don’t get to around go trying to talk shit about me when you weren’t in love with. What a sad cliche. Falling for your straight best friend. God. And you’re trying to drag me while you’re so deep in the closet I’m surprised you can even hear anything. Who’s really fucking pathetic?”
Ryan stormed out, pushing past Chad and leaving the dance studio. His solace stained by this moment. The panic nearly tears Chad in two. He feels so naked and he can’t catch a steady rhythm of breathing. His heart beats out of sync. It feels like it might just stop. When the fear has torn apart everything inside him, he goes into autopilot. Finds his way back to the kitchen and only when he is back in his bedroom does he let in destroy him. He’s been seen. Ryan saw him, saw what he tried so desperately to fight. And he hates him. He really fucking hates Ryan Evans.
Chapter 4 - I don’t dance
What the fuck was Ryan Evans doing at a baseball diamond? He sure as hell wasn’t playing in that all white get up right? He had no idea what Gabriella was thinking about bringing him with her.
Ryan was a dancer. Grace, poise and decorum sure, but baseball was pure athleticism. Something Ryan Evan just didn’t have. And what was Gabriella even on about? Chad Danforth wasn’t a dancer, not anymore. There was no way in hell that Chad would be on stage, in front of actual people, doing a pirouette or whatever. He’d told Ryan as much.
“You don’t think dancing takes some game?” This kid was delusional. The bat practically floated into Chad's hand. He took that as a good omen. Evans had to ruin it though but grabbing it just above him. Two could play at that. So smirking, Chad replicated the gesture and placed his other hand on top. He shouldn’t have been as stunned as he was when Ryan topped it off. What’s worse. It was actually kinda hot. And that was not okay. Nothing Ryan Evans did should ever be considered hot. Chad can’t find him hot.
The tension was its own living thing. Chad could feel it’s writhe and stretch and grope. He was so unbelievably fucked. His team had won, barely. Evans was good, no, he was fucking phenomenal. Like nothing Chad would have anticipated. What made it worse though was the teasing. It wasn’t mean. No, it was playful, light, flirtatious even. And to add insult to injury Chad found himself flirting back. He couldn’t help it. It was just there, that monstrous tension and who knew Ryan could move like that or laugh like that. The feeling began to sprout from his chest, deep into his gut. Fuck Ryan evans, he thought, I want to fuck Ryan Evans, he also thought.
“I'm not saying I'm going to dance in the show, but if I did, what would you have me do?” And that stupid smirk Ryan gave response made Chad wanna punch him a little. But he’d also never really noticed how pink his lips are. And yeah, fuck, chad definitely wanted to punch him.
Switching clothes was Chad's idea. And okay, he knew that off the field he probably should’ve pulled back the flirting a little bit. It's like he couldn’t stop, his body was desperate for it, chasing the banter, aching to see the way Ryan's throat stretched out when he threw his head back in wicked laughter. His mind was screaming danger, you’re not gay! But his mouth was in auto pilot. And when the showers he mostly cleared out and Chad was towelling off his hair, he just said it. Like it was casual.
“Hey let’s switch clothes, it’d be funny.” And just like that they did. He’d never worn clothes this soft before and they smelled like sweat, grass and Ryan. By the time Chad was halfway done with his hotdog, they were both all giggles and conspiratorial glances.
“All right, so you call that a "little" game?”
“Little League. World Series. Newport, Rhode Island. Champions.” That surprised a laugh out of Chad. Their cosy little chat was interrupted by Gabriella and Taylor
“Good job!”
“Nice hat.”
He found himself gravitating towards Ryan after that. Asking about him. Spending time with him. Laughing and joking and smiling so much his cheeks hurt. Ryan was funny and witty and interesting and kind and Chad wanted nothing more than to just exist and matter to him. He hated himself for it but Ryan made him feel alive. More so than Troy had and that was terrifying. He so desperately wanted to pull away but every time that blue eyed boy laughed or shimmied or gave a coy smile, Chad was done for. He was absolutely gone for Ryan Evans.
Chapter 5 - Together! Together!
(Okay so long time no post. I’m so sorry for the late chapter but hope it’s not too shit. Enjoy!)
Okay, so the plan definitely wasn’t to shove his tongue into Ryan Evans’s mouth. Chad wanted to lie to himself and claim he couldn’t figure out how he got here. But he knew, oh god he knew. It started the Monday of that week.
Ryan and Chad had pretty much started to hang out everyday for weeks after the infamous baseball game. The summer wasn’t even halfway done but Chad had tripped head first into this weird flirtationship with Ryan Freaking Evans. It started off innocently enough. Well that’s not entirely true but Chad really thought that he’d gotten over the Evans boy. He was fun to hang out with, funny, witty, confident, honest and kind. He was sweet as all hell and had this way of smiling, like he was breaking through the surface of something, tentative and new. It felt like he tried on confidence like a new pair of shoes, something pretty and stiff, needing to be worn out. And Chad should not have found that endearing but fuck, Ryan Evans was beautiful. Nothing else could really describe him, even beautiful wasn’t enough, but it was close. He was feet forward, heart first, cheeks a sweet pink and mouth always sticky with laughter. He was honey in the way he was too much sugar and no sting. And Chad wanted to stuff him into a jar, twist the lid tight and keep him away from anything that could dim that magnetic light that lived inside Ryan.
Chad fell face first into whatever these feelings were. It was a rush. At first It was little conversations here and there. When Rehearsals started, it soon turned into staying after practice to “catch up.” That shifted to lunch breaks spent belly up, gazing into the clouds, Ryan’s elbows grazing his. Eventually they’d naturally began to gravitate towards each other. Never ending excuses to need to spend time together.
The day had started off rough. His mother was pissed off at him for not helping around the house. He was always exhausted when he got him from work, and I’m the days he didn’t have to be at his job, he was somewhere else entirely. Either at Taylor’s or spaced out in his room. That morning his mother had reached a point of frustration, even going so far the dreaded “we need to talk when you get home.” He groaned internally but pursed his lips and nodded in resignation.
He was late, which wasn’t a surprise. Chad Danforth's relationship with punctuality could be described tense at best. Fulton was less than amused and had no problems tearing Chad a new one. By the time his lunch break rolled around he was temperamental and petulant. When he’d snapped at Taylor, she’d rolled her eyes and flicked his forehead in retaliation. It didn’t help that Troy was getting worse and worse by the day and honestly Chad was fed up. He was at his wits end. He doesn’t even really know who Troy is anymore. This isn’t him. Careless and oblivious, sure, single minded to a fault, yeah, but rude and snobby, that was new. This person, with his slacks, new italian shoes and shitty attitude, wasn’t his best friend. Sure he looked like him and walked like him and wore that same shitty cologne he’s worn since ninth grade, but his Troy, his brother, would never treat him like this.
After running around to serve the clientele, he was wiped by the time staff lunch rolled around. Of course Ryan found him moping around with his ham and cheese sandwich in the staff kitchen. Ryan technically had no reason to be there and alway tried to play it off like he just happened to be around. That always sent Chad’s insides into a spiral. Chad found he couldn’t bring himself to snap at Ryan the way he did everyone else. Ryan’s presence tempered his annoyance and frustration. He’d stay with Chad through his break and did everything he could to get him to laugh. By the time Chad had made it home, he was on cloud nine.
That’s how he knew he was fucked. No one, not even Troy, was ever able to penetrate through Chad’s shitty moods. He’d get all irritable and mean and snap at everyone. Later he’d apologise in the form of food and that plus his earnest grin was usually enough to get people to forgive him. But Ryan had this sort of pull of his emotions. He made Chad feel safe and that wasn’t something Chad knew he needed until he’d gotten closer to the Evans boy.
Things were still tense between Chad and his mother. She wanted nothing more than to understand where her son was. Even when he was sitting at the dinner table, right in front of her. He always felt a million miles away. Orbiting but never really landing. Like a shadow stretched too thin. She thought it was that job, too much pressure and not enough time to spend being with family. By the time Friday rolled around, he was at his wits end.
He’d stayed after work later than usual. Ryan had caught him playing basketball on his own, Troy was meant to meet him but bailed without any explanation.
“Hey there wildcat.” Ryan said grinning with practiced confidence. Chad could feel the embers of his frustration begin to cool. He sighed and threw the ball at Ryan. He’d been there nearly a half hour, hoping he could confront Troy about his attitude. But alas, Troy was being flakey, again. He’d been doing that a lot lately. Ryan just about caught the toss but played his fumbling off well. That made Chad’s heart swell just a little.
“Hey Evans, wanna play?”
“Didn’t your shift end like an hour ago?”
“What? You got my schedule memorised?” With that Chad returned Ryan’s grin. Ryan walked over to him, thrusting the basketball back into his hands. Chad wasn’t having it though and passed it back. Ryan attempted a shot at the basket but didn’t get very far and his face turned a shade of red that did not turn Chad into a love sick puppy no matter what his stomach or chest said. And okay, it was a cliche move. Grabbing the ball and guiding Ryan to the basket. Chad’s arms wrapped around Ryan’s waist and his hands laying gently over the other boys. Ryan was warm and smelt of fresh laundry and pine. The ball went in of course but neither of them really paid much attention to it.
Chad was a touchy person and it wasn’t like him and Ryan hadn’t high fived, fist bumped or even hugged before. They had hugged a few times but it was always that awkward bro hug with the unnecessary back pats. This was intimate. Chad put his hands on Ryan’s hips and turned him around to face him slowly. They were tangled in the unspeakable thing. A sort of trance that neither one knew what to do with or how to stop it.
He wants to say he doesn’t know who kissed who. But Chad knows that he made the first move. And holy shit he was kissing Ryan fucking Evans. What’s worse is that he didn’t want it to stop. Kissing Ryan wasn’t quite like how Chad had pictured it but that almost made it better. He was rougher in all the best ways and soft in places that surprised Chad. He’d kissed plenty of girls but nothing came close to this.
His mind finally caught up with his mouth. They were in public, sure it was empty but anyone could’ve seen them. This was Ryan for fucks sake, rich, snobby, elitist, adorable, caring, funny and fuck Chad was so gone for him. So unbelievably into this boy whose forehead was pressed to his and panting hard against him and if Chad were a better man he would’ve kissed him again. But he pulled away instead and despite the terror that coursed through him, that stypid dopey grin was stuck to his face.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for weeks.” Ryan said, grinning, his face still a shade of crimson.
“No one knows. About me I mean. They don’t know that I might….” Chad blurted out and felt a little sick as Ryan’s face dropped a little. So Chad took his hand and tried to say something to make that smile come back.
“You’re smart and like the nicest person I know and you make me laugh and I don’t know what to do with that and you have the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen and fuck your pretty - well not pretty - I mean yes pretty - but like-” Ryan cut him off with a kiss and laughed a little when he pulled away.
“I don’t need you to tell anyone else if you’re not ready. We can figure this out on our own. It’s nobody else’s business.”
“I don’t even know what this is. All I know is that you are the only person I can’t stay mad at and kissing you was probably the highlight of my summer and I want to keep doing it.”
“Well then that’s enough for now. We’ll take whatever this is slowly.” And they hugged in a way that wasn’t bro-ey and Chad felt Ryan’s breath across his neck where his head was tucked into his shoulder. And he forgot to worry about whether someone else could see them.
(Hey my dudes I know it has been over a year since I’ve updated. I had a lot of uni stuff and my mental health was hot garbage but here is the sixth chapter. I’m so sorry for taking so long. It’s a bit of a shitty chapter but here it is)
Chapter six - can I have this dance?
Things were an absolute mess. Gabriella had left and sharpay had become an even bigger nightmare if that was at all possible. It was like every room she entered went ice cold. It didn’t help at all that Troy for the life of him couldn’t see what was right in front of him. He was the problem. He spent so much time worried about his Italian leather shoes and rehearsal with the queen of darkness herself. Not until it all blew up in his face. But even though everything else around them was going to hell, Chad felt pretty okay. It had nothing to do with a certain blond haired, jazz square enthusiast who made his chest burn in the best ways. Okay maybe it was, just a little. They’d taken to meeting every other lunch break, after or before Chad’s shifts, in the space between heart beats. Quiet and waiting for the rush of thumping footprints distrusting their silent tangle of limbs in hall closets, bathrooms and Ryan’s dance studios. He felt guilty. Chad knew Ryan would never push him to say anything. Wouldn’t force a bug coming out as a couple but Chad wasn’t naive. When Ryan would be in the middle of ranting about his devil of a twin, head pressed against Chad's throat, arm lazily wrapped around his waist and suddenly they’d hear a bump outside of the dance studio and Chad would be six feet away from him in seconds. Ryan was subtle in his disappointment but Chad knew. The flash of his down turned lips would flip into a sad smile. He’d shake his head softly and keep talking as if Chad hadn’t just broken his heart a little. But then there were the sweet moments. Chad and Ryan belly up on the hardwood floor, fingers intertwined, neck cranes to peer at the other. Soft hands finding the naked skin of Chad's neck or his arm or his face. The kisses that made him feel impossible. He craved Ryan’s touch, itched for it, like right at that very moment when he’d come in to tell them that all their hard work was for nothing.
Sharpay did what Sharpay always does. She looked out for number one. Her and her alone. Banning the staff was a low blow. Chad could see Ryan shake a little with barely contained rage. The room shifted into a sad shadow of itself. No longer buzzing with the anticipation of being able to put all those weeks of practice into something bigger than them. Taylor groaned and Jason punched a dish cart. Chad wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around Ryan and just hold him till it all went away. Of course that was when Troy also did what Troy always does, attempt to save the day and claim glory. It wasn’t that he meant to do it, to take the spotlight. People gravitated towards Troy, they always had. Even when Chad and him were no higher than his fathers knee. Teachers, parents, coaches and other kids were enamoured by this goofy floppy haired boy who wore his heart on his sleeve and never thought through his choices. Chad had accepted being Troy’s shadow a long time ago. Knew that people needed, wanted someone to rally around.
Kelsi had heard it first. She immediately told the epic tale of Troy sticking it to Sharpay an d pretty much telling her to go fuck herself. When he walked into the kitchen the night of the show, head still held high, in the same uniform as the rest of them were, the relief in the room was palpable.
“Kelsi told us what went down between you and Sharpay.” Chad was the first to speak up.
“I'm more interested in what went down between me and you, man.” Troy took a step closer to him
“I was a jerk.” Chad thought that was an understatement but didn’t say as much.
“ Yeah.”
“But, hey, brothers fight.” And he had to admit to himself he missed his brother, a lot. And no matter what Troy had done, it wasn’t worth losing him over. So Chad relented
“And they're still brothers.”
This time Troy addressed the room. “Guys, I messed up your show and I'm sorry.”
“Yeah, because show business is our entire lives, right?” Jason quipped and got a round of laughter that made the room feel even lighter.
“Hey, I hope you haven't permanently filled my spot in the two-on-two game.” Chad wanted to say he had. That he’d found a new partner who always showed up and never flaked on him. Who made him feel dizzy and love sick. Who smelt like pine and wore the most beautiful smile and made his knees weak. Instead he just hugged Troy and shook his head, a genuinely smile on his face.
“And, Ryan, I know how hard you must've worked on this show. Making these Wildcats look good
couldn't have been easy. So, I apologise.” Ryan smiled back at him. He didn’t say anything but Chad knew he'd accepted Troy’s apology. Ryan wasn’t one to hold grudges
“Hey, the truth is, we've all had a lot of fun. At least, I have.” Ryan finally said.
Chad couldn’t help himself. “Hey, you gotta see
this dude play baseball.”
“I'm looking forward to it.” And they shook hands. So when Ryan told Troy that he should still sing with Sharpay, they were all a little confused but Chad knew Ryan was up to something.
Chad was only proven right when Troy and Gabriella did their duet on stage and felt his chest swell with pride when Ryan was handed the award. Emotions were high and everyone was celebrating. Ryan’s parents said nothing about the drunk teenagers polluting their resort. He was pretty sure that the pool was half filled with tequila by the end of the night. He found Ryan in his studio after a few hours and a few more beers. The alcohol made him warm and the chirping of crickets were there own rhythm. He sway a little to rustle of the trees, laughing to himself as he looked up to catch the hazy glow of light from the moon. Ryan for his part was also drunk. A half full bottle of wine on the piano, snorting at something Kelsey said. When they caught sight of Chad she slurred.
“Chad come here. Join us. We’re having our own little celebration. Ooh let me go get you a glass from the kitchen.” She hugged him tightly and stumbled out of the studio’s open door. No one else was out there. The pool being the epicentre of the celebrations.
“Hey wildcat.” Ryan said as he grinned brightly at Chad. Chad said nothing as he walked across the room and kissed Ryan fiercely. The kiss dissolved into giggles and soon they just held onto each other and swayed. Their own little slow dance and the warm light of the studio. Chad kissed him again and again like it was all he knew how to do. It was all he wanted to do.
“You were amazing.” He whispered into Ryan’s lips.
“You are amazing.” Ryan said a little more seriously. This time Ryan kissed him and as the kiss began to deepen. Tongues, teeth, clinging to each other. Only stopping to catch their breath’s. They laughed and kissed until they heard kelsi’s clumsy footsteps. They pulled apart slowly but just in time to be unseen.
“I couldn’t find a glass but I did find the trophy cup.” All three of them just laughed and drank and when kelsi passed out. Ryan and Chad layed there. Ryan pressed into his chest, staring at the ceiling. Chad wished it could always be like this.
chapter Seven - Scream
The summer was over and all Chad knew was that he wasn’t ready for senior year. High School wasn’t a cake walk but he knew highschool. He knew how to navigate the masses of bodies ambling aimlessly between classes. He knew the exhaustion of staying up till four to finish a history assignment he swore he wouldn’t leave till the last minute again but did anyway. Chad was well acquainted with the grating shriek of the bell, the soggy fries and half cooked pizza. He understood the lights flickering in the science labs or blinding him on the courts. Chad was highschool, basketball player, popular, decent grades. He was part of every pep rally, homecoming, watched the promposals that bombed and laughed at the teachers flustered and blustering about seniors pranking them by putting glue in the locks or stealing all the whiteboard markers. People knew his name and his signature nonsensical shirts and his goofy grin. It’s not that he never wanted to leave high school. It wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination. A few of his teachers weren’t as forgiving to him as they were to Troy or some of the other white kids. One teacher had made it a point to emphasize how surprised she was that he was so “well spoken”. It was just that he wasn’t sure if he was ready to leave just yet.
He hadn’t saved up enough money for a car and his mom wasn’t letting up about allowing him to get a part time job after school. She had said to him, “School is your priority, I don't want you getting distracted.” Chad had wanted to argue that he was already on three different sports teams and he was planning to help out with the show this year, per Ryan’s convincing, though he wouldn’t mention that part. He didn’t. He knew not to talk back when his mom set her foot down. Chad knew that this wasn’t about the job though. He knew that really, his mom was worried about him. He’d barely been present over the last few months and lava springs had exacerbated the fact during summer break. She wanted her son back and she knew she couldn’t stop him playing or helping with the musical but she could stop him from pulling away further. What she didn’t know was that the pulling was inevitable. A loose thread caught on a nail constantly unwinding itself till it pulls apart everything. That was what Chad felt like. He couldn’t stop it because he couldn’t talk to her. His dad was always busy so he didn’t notice it. But Chad was a cataclysmic event. He was wreckage and rage and pure unfiltered pain and they had done nothing but love him. They were undeserving of his destruction. These were the parts of chad he kept hidden from everyone. They'd peek through and he’d become a dark cloud for a time, but really had felt like he was drowning. So instead of floating he sank, hoping no one would see. It wasn’t just his sexuality, it was everything and everyone and the only person who made time stop and let him breathe was the one person he couldn’t share with anyone. He’d come out to them one day, hell maybe he’d even let them into his more dark thoughts, ask them to pull him out of the torrent and help him. He’d gotten so good at hiding from himself until he couldn’t anymore and he had only one person to blame. The person he was both aching to see and also terrified to talk to.
His sister took so long to get ready and that meant Chad was never on time to get to school. He felt the roiling current bubble and splash in his gut. Ryan and him had discussed this at length to a near pathological degree, but Chad couldn’t stop the nausea. Ryan had assured him that they didn’t have to tell anyone and could avoid each other if need be. Chad didn’t want to ignore Ryan, that would look much more suspicious given the way they were basically magnets most of the summer. Part of him wished they’d ignored each other then so he wouldn’t have to face the reality of being seen together at school. That thought made him feel so much guilt he couldn’t focus. Amber was rambling about her fall semester and this new TA she thought was cute but most of it filtered through his brain into air.
The more Chad thought about his boyfriend the more naked he felt. Ryan was beginning to unravel him in ways that made him devastated and so desperately alive he was kind of addicted to it. After the star dazzle awards, they spent the rest of the summer completely consumed with each other. Chad began slipping and his cool easy facade was chipping away and peeling back to reveal all the anger and sadness that lived beneath. The worst part is that Ryan saw all of that and stayed. One particularly nasty night, his mom had finally attempted to have that long overdo conversation. She just wanted to know why her son seemed to never be present even when he was there, he hadn’t meant to explode but he did. It was ugly and loud and he worried the whole house shook with it. He’d never raised his voice at her before but this had been building between his ribs and deep in his gut for so long it would have torn him in two if it hadn’t come out. Taylor had driven him to the work as usual, she had started talking about how glad she was that there only had a few shifts left but Chad's mood was almost suffocating. She didn’t try to call him out on it or pull him out of it. The whole day he felt like he was on fire. Meeting at the dance studio wasn’t a great idea in retrospect but he needed comfort and Ryan was that by definition. This day though was seemingly different. Something in him had shifted. It was as if allowing himself to like Ryan meant that his wall of indifference and denial was rapidly being peeled away. Chad really didn't want Ryan to notice his foul mood. No, he didn’t want to taint this near perfect boy with his broken bottle of a mouth carelessly slicing at everything it spoke to. He knew as soon as he saw his boyfriends smile slip that he’d failed and that only seemed to piss him off even more.
“Let’s go inside.” Ryan whispered and Chad followed him wordlessly. He wanted to scream or hit a wall or do something other than think. He was so angry it made him sick but he felt himself soften as he adjusted to the familiar feeling of safety this space had begun to give him. He stared at Ryan and could feel his rage begin to ebb. Chad stepped towards his boyfriend and wrapped him in a hug but not a second later he heard,
“Hey Ryan, i-” it was Kelsi and she stood just at the entrance staring dumbfounded at the two boys, Chad pulled away quickly but he was sure she had seen. Kelsi recovered quickly and finished speaking.
“Ryan. I, uh, I think I've finally got a handle on that new song and I was just gonna leave the sheet music here if that’s okay?” She was avoiding Chad's gaze which only made him feel worse. It was excruciating as he watched her drop off pieces of paper in record time and leave just as quickly. He knew it wasn’t fair, that it would never be fair but he couldn’t stop one of his barbs from nipping his boyfriend.
“Be more fucking careful.” The regret he felt before the last word had even snapped out was insurmountable. The blonde looked stunned and his mouth quivered just slightly before his face slipped into a mask of passivity. Chad wanted to split in two “fuck i’m so sorry. I didn’t - I shouldn’t-” he took a step towards his boyfriend but Ryan just took a step back with a syrupy smile that never reached his eyes. He just shook his head and reassured chad,
“It’s fine. I get it.” but it wasn't fine. It was anything but fine. Chad felt seasick and belligerent. He wanted to kick and scream and throw a tantrum. He also wanted to beg and plead for Ryan to yell or kiss him or push him away, to do anything but just stand there with that plastic platitudinous look on his face.
“Ryan, I'm sorry.” he didn’t mean for his voice to break.
“Chad, it's honestly fine, let's move on.” Chad just felt so fucking weird. In his body, in his brain, in pretty much everything he did. He knew he could just move on, let this one thing go, but Chad was in the presence of the one person he couldn’t hide from. His solace, his safe space, the only person who knew Chad's darkest thoughts and stupidest deeply optimistic wants. Tainting this, tainting him, his Ryan was unacceptable. He didn’t know when their relationship had become this, the thing he relied on the most, but it had and there they were and it was barely even a moment but Chad couldn’t breathe if he thought he’d ruined this. The one thing he hadn’t destroyed with his unremitting rage.
“It’s not though. I swear I didn’t- Ryan i promise- fuck i can’t breathe. Please don't hate me.” and when Ryan's posture softened just so, Chad finally broke. The first sob was like a crack of lighting ripping through his chest and out his throat, it ached in a way that felt unforgiving. Chad Danforth never cried, he hated it, but it was as if all the tears Chad should’ve cried but never let himself, rushed out of him in a bruising fit of broken, painful sobbing. Ryan had him wrapped in his arms in the space between breaths.
Chad was an amateur when it came to tears, so out of practice he couldn’t figure out how to make it stop, so instead he let it shred him into a million little pieces of a boy and hoped he’d still feel human by the time he was done. Ryan rubbed his back, pressed Chad's face into his chest and whispered in his hair. Chad tried to pull away, he was getting snot all over Ryan's favorite polo shirt, but Ryan tightened his grip and reassured Chad's soft whining protests about not wanting to get his gross tears on his boyfriend's clothes.
“My head’s a fucking mess and I got into this awful fight with my mom and fuck- Ryan I don’t know why i get like this. I’m so angry at everything and everyone and i feel like i’m barely a person and i fuck everything up when i get like this. You were the one thing, the only- and now i’ve gone and- fuck!” he’d just managed to stop crying but this one confession had pulled him back under into soft keening sobs. They were sitting on the ground, against the mirror, pressed up against each other.
“Charlie,” only Ryan got to call him that, few people knew what chad was a nickname. “You’re way too fucking hard on yourself. I promise you do not fuck everything up and you certainly haven’t fucked this up. We’re okay, I promise. I’m okay. I understand why you aren’t ready for people to know but Jesus Charlie, I just wish you’d be kinder to yourself. You are one of the bravest, strongest and most incredible people I’ve ever had the honour of knowing. I’m proud to call you my boyfriend and you have most definitely not fucked this up. I'm so sorry about your mom, I know how close you guys are. I think you should talk to someone about all those dark thoughts. You always carry so much guilt but what you deserve is to see yourself the way I see you. I also think you just deserve some fucking relief from that big old brain of yours. You deserve to feel good-” Chad kissed him then. It was a wet, snotty kiss that was all teeth. He couldn't stop shaking and pressing his lips on his boyfriend's mouth. Ryan responded in kind, probably knowing Chad needed this. Chad began muttering nonsensical babble.
“You’re beautiful,” kiss, “amazing, so amazing,” kiss, “need you,” another kiss. He panted thank you’s and please’s into Ryan's mouth and then he finally broke and said it. “I love you.” that one was whispering. He tried to kiss him again but Ryan gently pulled back, holding Chad's face in his palm. Chad let out a keening whine and tried to move closer but Ryan held firm, his eyes wide and warm, filled with so much adoration it felt like it could kill him.
“Did you mean that? That you love me?” Chad could’ve bluffed, he could've gotten up and walked away, he could’ve changed the subject. But really he couldn’t, not then, not in that moment, with Ryan looking at him like he was God’s fucking gift to this world. His chest ached as he nodded softly, he was fucking terrified. When Ryan pressed his forehead to chads and said.
“I love you too. Fuck, i love you so fucking much it’s been driving me crazy. Jesus fucking christ Charlie, i love you, so. Fucking. Much.” Chad cried again for a third time.
The sound of his sister slamming the back door as she finally got into their mom’s car snapped him out of that memory. He felt so bare and exhausted. He’d replayed that day a thousand times over in his head, he felt high off it sometimes. He was so in love with Ryan and it devastated him. As his mom drove him and his sister to school he couldn’t help the nausea that gripped him at the thought of senior year. How the fuck was he going to deal with any of this?
