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Almost 5 days sh clean I'm going insane I think

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I want to start sh recovery but do I

your girlie has accidentally either cvt their vein or bruised their artery and it altered their brain chemistry

#i had a heart attach #a vision of being found dead with a celebrity drama video playing on mu laptop was kinda💀💀#alsl the adrenaline kept me awake for the next 3 hours or something #shit was wild #but as sia said #im alive

antisocial-hatred

I really wish I could just feel close to people, I don't even understand what I do wrong but all my relationships seem surface level no matter how much I try to build a bond, as if others can tell something's missing and those are holes that effort can't fill

npdbubblygum

There is something I call a Shame Dream which is a sub category of nightmare/trauma dream that I've identified

It usually involves some kind of humiliating event and frantic efforts to escape it but eventually it catches up to me and I have to face my embarrassment and I wake up with a sense of overwhelming shame and anxiety from trying to outrun the shame but failing and more shame from failing at not feeling shame

Often it's based on something that happened but sometimes it doesn't have clear roots in reality but in either case I think it's the hardest type of nightmare to cope with

#finally someone has written about what I've always been experiencing #it has always been hard for me to identify it as nightmare #because it didn't contain that much fear #but shame #incredible shame and discomfort #and the worsy part is I can't tell anyone those dreams because of how humiliating and embarrassing they feel #the ones that feel real are the worst

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I want to mess up my arms so bad but I can't let people see and it's making me so frustrated

Its not that life is particularly bad

It's just that I can't be happy and satisfied

People tell me I should change

But I know I won't be happy anyway because what is the point of it all

I'll only feel more tired and angry for putting effort to no results

It has already happened

Why should I try again

having to call back all your arguments and pretend you were wrong out when you know you were right of fear of being abandoned<<<<<<

#vent #npd vent #cluster b #bpd vent #girl im not vibing rn #i really want to go full feral #but im too scared

cluster-b-culture-is

Cluster b culture is setting reasonable boundaries for the safety of others, and feeling so damned smug when the people who ignore those boundaries get hurt. I fucking warned you I wouldn't tolerate that shit, idiot.

.

I am a fucking idiot and I forgot to throw out my bandaids and my mother found them 💀💀 I'm fucking uhhhh

I told her some pretty believable story but idk I'm scared now

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avpdwisp

not even sad about being overlooked and ignored anymore, straight up want to beat the fucking shit out of people for not giving us the time of day

#literally #and thrn they expect me to give them attention #the entitlement 💀#but I'll give it to them because I'm afraid of being even mkre rejected

flimflops

Me actively dysfunctional every second of my miserable little life:

Therapist: Is there anything you struggle to deal with?

Me:

ina-nis

Loneliness is killing me.

I talk to people every day, all the time, it’s pleasant and fun; and yet, it’s only superficial.

I don’t know what else I should be doing.

I still cannot connect to people despite being surrounded by them.

The connection I need, and truly want, doesn’t occur… it hinders all the rest.

It’s a losing battle, isn’t?

January - April are always the hardest months for me

Man I'm scared 💀💀

Time slander

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The existential dread is reall

I feel so incompetent in almost every area of life

I hear about people getting into universities , finding cool schools abroad

I can't even imagine it being possible for me

It doesn't exist in the same world

I wish I was timeless

I am not fit for this world and it's killing me with fear

I feel like I'm less real than everyone around me and that nothing that's happening includes me

I'm so tired

#vent #npd vent #cluster b #narcissistic personality disorder #bpd #bpd vent

I don't like it when people feel bad not because I feel bad for them

It's just that them feeling bad makes my chances of getting attention from them lower and I'm afraid they'll leave me

so I, often almost physically feel like I'm in danger

that's why I try to cheer them up

#npd #actually narcissistic #narcissistic personality disorder #npd vent #I'm tired #idk man #ibe given up #i don't think ill ever be able to feel attached ro someone #its nor what life is about but it would be cool #bpd #borderline personality disorder

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