HOW TO BLOW IT

Prevent poltergeists from infesting your house by leaving a thick circle of salt around your property.

Remember to say "please" and "thank you" if you're trying to get in somebody's pants.

One of the perks of friendship is that you don't have to ask before borrowing anything.

Trust big oil. They need customers, so environmentalism is obviously the future of their business.

Join the company softball team. Don't forget that practice and games count toward billable hours.

When working under the hood, make sure you get dirty so people assume you know what you're doing.

Approach debt with perspective. Plenty of others do just fine without food, clothing, or shelter.

If your partner isn’t making you a better person, accept that you’ve probably met your full potential.

A tube of toothpaste can be a great low-calorie snack with a pleasant aftertaste.

Know the local emergency number (e.g. 911), and place a few test calls when you arrive for practice.

Having a baby is the surest way to iron out turbulence in a marriage.

To keep your home germ free, just don't wipe up spray disinfectant.

Wash and dry borrowed clothes before you return them. They may shrink, but that's better than stretching them out.

If you fart in public, make sure there are at least two others around so you can cast a reasonable doubt on somebody else.

Clouds keep sunlight from reaching us. So air pollution is actually a great way of reversing global warming.

Pretend to be a germaphobe. That way, sick coworkers can be a scapegoat for relaxing days of "working" from home.

Accelerating through turns provides better control, and ensures you’ll emerge the victor in any collision around the bend.