Director of S.H.I.E.L.D.

R&D is not to take this as a challenge.

Rumors that SHIELD is haunted are false. It’s just Agent Romanoff, leave an offering of coffee at the door or she will follow you home. She gets bored.

You know who you are.

If Fury dies, the cat goes to live with Agent Romanoff. If Agent Romanoff dies, she better damn walk it off and feed the cat.

Rumors that Director Fury likes Agent Romanoff more than everyone else because she gets to take the cat home sometimes, are completely true. Maybe if the lot of you did your jobs instead of watching cat videos you’d have some privileges too.

No, you may not take the cat home for the weekend, it isn’t a class pet.

If you get scratched by the cat, you deserved it. Stop whining to medical about it.

Fury’s cat does not need a “girlfriend”. Somehow the alien talk is preferred over this.

Rumors that Fury’s cat is actually a dangerous alien are ridiculous. We have better things to do than discuss conspiracy theories about cats.

Feeding Fury’s cat is a privilege not a right.

If you’re going to break the rules and take selfies anyways, turn off location settings. Next agent to leave them on in a post, will have a strike team dispatched to their location and will have to deal with their complaints.

While at it, password is not a good password, try again.

Fury Memo #215 is to be ignored. HR has canceled flag promotion day due to "concerns about safety". 

Good luck 

Evil doesn't take beach days. If it did, we'd be the jerks crashing the beach day of evil.

If Fury had adopted the Avengers, Romanoff and Rogers would tie for favorite child.

Rumors that Director Fury adopted all of the Avengers are complete lies. They're grown adults, they don't need adopting, even when they don't act like adults and need to be put in time out.