Hotwater101

  Trial approached and my ex became pro se (representing himself) after his fourth attorney withdrew, it was obvious that he was panicking. Unfortunately, when he panics, he becomes more difficult to deal with, let alone negotiate with. He offered a few more settlements and yet none of them represented him flexing on his outrageous asks. He maintained the state of mind that I should be paying him for his attorney’s fees, costs that he chose to incur early on, and that I should share fifty percent of our daughters time with him, in spite of the court ordered requirement that he be under supervised visitation.  Basically he was asking for the moon when he knew that I was not going to hand it over to him. He seemed to be insisting on going to trial, as if to try to prove that he knew everything and was going to be able to go up against my attorney and win. (Insert snarky laugh here).

In the meantime, my attorney was pushing me to pay her a lump sum to fund the trial prep. Uh huh… In order to stay in good standing with my attorney, on top of paying her $1000.00 per month, I drained a portion of my retirement fund. I had been telling myself for the past 20 months and that I would not let my past affect my future and here I was sacrificing my future financial health to put my past to rest. Many of my friends had great jokes and one that really resonated and made the feeling of sacrificing my retirement less terrifying was this one:

“Why are divorces so expensive?” “Because they are worth it!”

  Yes this was worth it. This was going to be a huge weight off my shoulders and I just needed to get through the trial.

We prepared our evidence and submitted it to the courts and to my ex, 98 exhibits in all and 9 witnesses. Unlike tv shows where there are surprises, this type of trial is all about minimizing surprise. We presented everything that we had that we thought would prove that he was unstable and was the one behind all the harassment and harmful acts as well as the fact that he would be incapable of co-parenting. Just as we had to share our evidence, he had to present his to us, 72 exhibits in all and 15 witnesses.  Total exhibits to be submitted to the court, 170, plus 24 witnesses.

When we delivered our binder of evidence to my ex, he claimed that he had not received it. We refused to make him another copy, until court ordered to provide another. We had proof that he had received it and knew that once again he was attempting to game the system. Sure enough once he received our copy we had noticed that some of his evidence that was in his final binder included some of the pieces we had provided. He was unbelievably dull if he thought that we wouldn’t take notice of the modifications made.

  Finally the trial day was upon us. I felt anxious, nervous and like I needed to run, all at the same time. This was a combination of feelings that I was not familiar with and had never experienced before.

Our day began 30 minutes later than originally scheduled due to the case prior. This was of course par for the entirety of this divorce and custody battle. We were to begin with going through each of the exhibits to then decide if we would allow his exhibits and if he would allow ours. For the most part it went well and he would go on to object to most of ours….even though some of ours were duplicates of his, idiot.

Now it was time for the opening arguments and given that my ex was the petitioner or rather he was the one who filed for divorce, he would be the first to go in everything. This was a great advantage for us as he would not be able to copy my attorney and would have to wing much of his performance. Not stunning in the least, he had not prepared an opening statement and requested a 5 minute recess. The judge, a taller man at about 6’5” and bald with a stern appearance, was not too pleased with this request. He warned my ex that he was to adhere to the same rules as an attorney given that he was acting as one and would allow for a 15 minute recess given that it was time for the morning break anyway. The judge went on to further state that he would be enforcing the rules and that my ex could not look to him for guidance as he would not give any.

——15 minutes later——

“All Rise,” the bailiff bellowed with a raised voice. We were now back in session and the judge adjusted his gaze to focus on my ex, “Mr. Petitioner are you ready to begin?” My ex gave a weird laugh and stated, “as ready as I will ever be your Honor.” As he began his opening statement he stumbled over his words and stuttered many times. This was a lack of confidence I had yet to witness and he appeared to be a disaster and every bit as unstable as my attorney and I had been saying all along. He grasped onto his piece of notebook paper with a bunch of scribbles he had managed to jot down during the recess. Rambling on, he managed to say that he believed he was a good father and that I was lying and manipulating the system. He repeated this diatribe for 15 minutes and by looking at the judge you could tell that he wasn’t impressed. When my ex was done the judge turned his attention to my attorney, “Please proceed Miss Oliver.” “Thank you, your Honor,” replied my attorney. She was muscular woman, who shorter than myself still felt she dwarfed me in size. Her attitude was serious, as it had become clear over the past 6 months that she was as fed up with my ex as I was.

In 45 minutes, she laid out my case in perfect detail reciting all that you have read plus a bit more that I excluded from my writings in Hotwater101.

“The evidence will show that my client has been a consistent, active part of her daughter’s nurturing and development since her birth. My client has always encouraged and facilitated a strong relationship between her daughter and the petitioner. Evidence that we have presented will show that the Petitioner has engaged in the abusive use of conflict against my client in parenting matters, involved daycare and medical providers in parenting disputes, used litigation as a means to harass and coerce her into meeting his unreasonable parenting demands and used their daughter to manipulate and harass her. His behavior was so extreme that two separate restraining orders and one protection order were in place at the same time.”

“Though he is not now deemed a danger to my client or their daughter after his psychological evaluation, he is cited by the psychologists as having emotional issues, which are relevant to the final parenting plan determination. Over the past two years the petitioner has demonstrated bizarre and malicious behavior towards my client and people close to her. The psychologist indicated in his report that the petitioner is lacking in interpersonal insensitivity, with regard to the impact his behavior has on others, particularly towards the opposite gender. It is also noted by the psychologist that he displays evidence of emotional sensitivity and obsessive worry. All behaviors are all consistent with that my client has reported to the court throughout this divorce which made co-parenting impossible and at times compromised my client and her daughter’s safety.”

You can read the opening statement in its entirety as I have posted it below. Please note that I have changed all the names to ensure some anonymity.

  After opening statements, we were set to begin examining our witnesses. None of mine would be present on this day as we had anticipated that my ex would take his sweet time in laying out his case, given that he had no clue what he was doing. Of course, none of his witnesses were present except for himself. Once again, the judges aversion with my ex’s disorganization was quite plain on his face and in his voice.

“Mr. Ex, we are ready to begin with your witnesses. Are they present?”

Stuttering, my ex managed to put a lame excuse together, “My apologies your honor, they are on their way and a few cannot make it until tomorrow.”

“Well Mr. Ex, it looks as though you have put yourself on this list, so why don’t we begin with you.”

“Sure your honor, give me one minute to compose myself,” my ex managed to stutter out.

  Once my ex was on the stand, he began rattling off a rather long winded narrative that had no particular focus. He would begin with one subject and jump to another all while raising his voice and then lowering it to a mumble. The judge would remind him to speak up so that the recordings could pick up his voice. My ex went on and on, with no end in sight and managed to drag out his own testimony until about 20 minutes before the end of the court day. Now it was my attorney’s turn to cross examine him. When answering her questions he wouldn’t give definite answers, but rather leave them broad and general. He lied no less than 2 dozen times on the stand and it was blatantly obvious. His lies and ongoing manipulation as it happened directly in front of me was the most infuriating part of the whole trial.

As the first day wrapped, I found that I needed time with someone that I could trust and feel comforted by. My Mom was going to be one of my witnesses and was in town. We decided to grab dinner out and discuss the days happenings. She was a welcomed shoulder to lean on during this monumental pivot in my life. The next day was going to be more draining then the first as we were set to call all of our witnesses and my ex’s would appear too. Many of his witnesses were once some of my closest friends. I wondered what they would be testifying to and what they would say about me as a mother.

    SUPERIOR COURT OF XXXX

COUNTY OF XXXXX

  In re the Marriage of:

  Mr. Vol                                                   Petitioner,

and

  Ms. Rever                                                    Respondent.

    NO. 

   RESPONDENT’S TRIAL MEMORANDUM

  I. STATEMENT OF FACTS

The parties had a short term marriage (3 years) and have one child, a daughter named Vera, age 4. The parties separated in July 2011. The parties have divided up all of their personal property.  They have removed each other from financial accounts and insurance.  There is no community debt to be divided.  Both parties are employed full time. The primary issue at trial is determination of the final parenting plan.  Colleen Max completed a parenting evaluation and made a recommendation that Rev be primary custodial parent. Mr. Vol (hereinafter “Ex”) objected to that recommendation insisting he is entitled to a 50/50 (week on/ week off) schedule and he will settle for nothing less.

            Upon mutually deciding on divorce, things started out amicably with Ex hiring a collaborative lawyer to prepare the papers. However, after Rev joined in the collaborative process Ex terminated it, hired a litigator, and served Rev with divorce papers. During separation Ex continued pursuing Rev with phone calls, texts and emails, sometimes all at once, and some, like text messages, being sent every few minutes for hours. Ex begged Rev to reconcile accused her of being at fault for the divorce by failing to forgive his infidelity. Additionally, once Ex found out Rev’s undisclosed address she received packages containing books on reconciliation following a husband’s affair. The most disturbing incident came when Rev discovered someone tried to break into her home and loosened all of the lug nuts on her vehicle’s tires. Rev then obtained a year-long anti-harassment protection order against Ex. And though Rev had binders full of evidence of Ex’s harassment, the judge entered mutual protection orders because the parties were engaged in a divorce.

            From January 2012 Ex could not contact Rev directly so he cyber stalked her. Third party websites continuously sent Rev and her then boyfriend GQ, emails about email and website accounts they had not registered for. Content was posted at the websites cheaterville.com and jerk.com with pictures of Rev and GQ that could only be obtained from Microsoft’s secure employment site where Ex worked.  Rev and GQ worked as vendors at Microsoft and did not have the same access as Ex to employee records.  GQ received men’s sized T-shirts at his workplace saying “The Home Wrecker” and “I stole your wife. Want her back?” and “Why don’t you stop texting your boyfriend and pay attention to your husband” which was in a woman’s size. Ex claims GQ sent the t-shirts to himself, but the circumstantial evidence leads to Ex.  Eventually Ex sent items to Rev through their daughter’s backpack such as a pair Ex’s underwear, a necklace, and a framed photograph Rev had left at Ex’s house. Ex claimed a daycare worker did it causing the daycare to undergo a legal investigation to rule out their employees, which they did.

            Rev filed police reports but could never make a direct tie to Ex for any of the incidents. The evidence points to Ex as the perpetrator though due to similarities in Ex’s actions, use of similar words and phrases as the anonymous stalker, proclivity for being caught lying, and the timing of the anonymous events occurring immediately following a bad court result for Ex.  Commissioner Joy Smith and Pro Tem Mariam Jones, as well as Judge Sam Kens, addressed Ex’s undeniably disturbing and malicious behavior and granted Rev and Vera protection from him. Rev registered with the Address Confidentiality Program to further protect her from Ex.

            Max Max did a very thorough parenting evaluation. Ms. Max noted that Ex’s obsessive, predatory behavior towards Rev had been going on for some time which was documented by his treating mental health counselors. Ms. Max recommended Ex obtain an evaluation with a psychologist specializing in predatory behaviors. During Ms. Max’s evaluation in July 2012, but prior to issuing her final report, Ex was fired from Microsoft and shortly thereafter arrested and incarcerated for Reckless Driving (cited for driving over 100 mph) and DUI. Ex told no one about either event. Ex had stopped making mortgage payments on his home in September 2011 and was forced out of his home due to foreclosure around this same time as well. Ex did not willingly disclose his new address.

            Rev discovered all of these things through third parties and notified Ms. Max. This self-destructive behavior in addition to the malicious web postings and “gifts” caused Rev to seek additional protection from the court for herself and Vera in September 2012. Colleen Max testified at the hearing in favor of the restraints. The restraining order was granted along with ordering Ex to have supervised visitation with Vera for up to four hours 2 times per week. Visits could be monitored by an agreed lay supervisor. Judge Kens later offered the use of a paid professional supervisor if the parties couldn’t agree to a lay supervisor. Ex turned this into a “requirement” for paid supervision and tried to force Rev to pay for supervision even when lay supervisors where available.

            In the midst of Ex’s personal self destructive spiral he stopped all financial support to Rev and Vera. Per the temporary child support order Ex was to pay a transfer payment to Rev of $894.43, provide medical insurance for Vera and pay his proportionate share of daycare and other child expenses. Ex fell behind in child support payments beginning in August 2012.  He is in arrears for child support payments currently. Ex dropped Vera from his medical insurance due to being fired, but never notified Rev of the lack of coverage.  Ex refused to pay his proportionate share of Vera’s uninsured medical bills, daycare, and phonics reading program, but insisted Rev pay for professionally supervised visitation.

            Rev had to add Vera to her medical plan, and pay all of her daycare, phonics, and uninsured medical expenses. Rev then objected to paying for professional supervision citing her lack of money so Ex filed a contempt action against her in December 2012.  The court denied contempt.  Upon notice to Ex, Rev also tried to move Vera to a less expensive daycare since Ex was no longer paying for it. Ex refused to allow the daycare transfer, but didn’t pay his daycare bill either.  Ex filed an ex parte restraining order against Rev due to the daycare issue. That motion was denied also, but Rev was not allowed to move Vera to a new daycare unless Ex continued to be in arrears for daycare. 

            The parties mediated with Mariam Jones in March 2013. They settled the matter of child support and entered an agreed final order on March 26, 2013. However, as it pertains to child expenses, during the mediation Ex produced false evidence that he paid a dental bill for Vera. Within days of the mediation it became apparent Ex had lied about his payment and had never sent the check that he produced a carbon slip for.

            Following the mediation Mr. Vol agreed to undergo a psychological evaluation upon the recommendation of Colleen Max and Mariam Jones. The parties agreed to Dr. Ramirez. That evaluation took place in June and July 2013. Dr. Ramirez met with both parties and the child and considered collateral source information provided by both parties. It is not clear from his report what collateral source information Dr. Ramirez reviewed.  However, his recommendation is that, though Ex is not in danger of suicidal or homicidal behaviors, he ought to continue in counseling for six months and attend six sessions with Michelle Clemson of the Co-parenting Center for the purpose of developing and maintaining healthy and non-alienating parental cooperation.

            The parties have not been able to settle this case due to Mr. Vol’s refusal to accept anything less than immediate 50/50 residential time which is not agreed to by Ms. Rever. Ms. Rever is seeking reimbursement of her attorney’s fees and costs from Mr. Vol which prior to trial exceed $42,000. Ms. Rever is also seeking to leave the property division as currently divided by agreement of the parties at the time of their physical separation 2 years ago.

  II.   STATEMENT OF ISSUES

1.      What should be the residential schedule in the final parenting plan;

2.      Whether there should be a further division of assets;

3.      Whether the mother should be reimbursed her attorneys fees and costs. If so, how much.

II.   EVIDENCE RELIED UPON

Court file; pleadings; RCW 26.09.181, 184, 187 & 191; and case law cited herein.

IV.  ARGUMENT

Assets & Liabilities

The parties have lived separately for two years. They have lived independent of one another without the need for spousal maintenance. During the marriage the parties maintained separate accounts. They have divided up all of their tangible property and community assets two years ago. Each party now has considerable separate debt, but no community debt. Ms. Rever did not start a retirement account until after the parties separated. She is not seeking any of Mr. Vol’s retirement accounts or Microsoft stock options.

RCW 26.09.080 states that the court should make a just and equitable disposition of property after consideration of the following factors:

(1) The nature and extent of the community property; (there is none)

(2) The nature and extent of the separate property; (already divided)

(3) The duration of the marriage or domestic partnership; and (3 years)

(4) The economic circumstances of each spouse or domestic partner at the time the division of property is to become effective…”   (both have lived and worked independently for two years with only child support being paid )

  The trial court’s paramount concern when distributing property in a dissolution action is the economic condition in which the decree leaves the parties.”  In re the Marriage of Williams, 84 Wn. App. 263, 270, 927 P.2d 679, 683, (1996), citing In re Terry, 79 Wn. App. 866, 905 P.2d 935 (1995). Both Ex and Rev have good incomes, paid benefits, and retirement plans. The key to an equitable distribution of property is not mathematical preciseness, but fairness.” In re Marriage of Clark, 13 Wn. App. 805, 810, 538 P.2d 145 (1975). “Fairness is attained by considering all circumstances of the marriage and by exercising discretion, not by utilizing inflexible rules.” Clark, 13 Wn. App. at 810.   It would be unfair and inequitable to order Rev to reimburse Ex for Colleen Max’s fees (he asked the court to appoint her), Dr. Ramirez’s fees (Ex’s behavior warranted evaluation and he volunteered for it), or reimbursement for any other claim he makes. Rev doesn’t have the financial means to reimburse Ex. Rev had to pay for Vera’s medical insurance, uninsured expenses, daycare, phonics, all of her daily necessities, plus she paid for supervised visits between Vera and Ex, even though paid professional supervision wasn’t ordered. An equitable division of the parties' property is what they agreed to two years ago, a decision that has not been disturbed in all of the ensuing litigation.

B.        Attorney’s Fees and Costs

Rev should be awarded attorney’s fees and costs. This case was dragged out two years because of Ex’s intransigence, frivolous hearings, and his parade of lawyers. RCW 26.09.140 grants the court discretion to award attorneys’ fees to either party.  The court must balance the need of the requesting spouse and the ability of the other spouse to pay. In re the Marriage of Greenlee, 65 Wn. App 703, 707, 829 P.2d 1120, 1123 (1992).  However, when intransigence is established, the financial resources of the spouse seeking the award are irrelevant. In re the Marriage of Morrow, 53 Wn. App. 579, 590-591, 770 P.2d 197 (1989).  An award of attorney fees based on intransigence has been granted when one party made the trial unnecessarily difficult and increased legal costs by his or her actions. In Mattson, the court awarded attorney’s fees because the husband’s intransigence forced the wife to conduct intensive discovery.  In re the Marriage of Mattson, 95 Wn. App. 592, 605, 976 P.2d. 157 (1999).  An award of attorney’s fees based on the opposing party’s intransigence can also be awarded if the opposing party files numerous frivolous motions, refused to read correspondence from the Respondent’s attorney, and if the opposing party’s actions cause the party requesting the award to incur additional legal fees. In re the Marriage of Foley, 84 Wn. App. 839, 846, 930 P.2d 929, 932 (1997).

  The amount of hearings the parties attended all stemmed from Ex’s action.  Three hearings directly correlated to Ex’s threatening and harassing behavior towards Rev. All of the orders were granted. There were then three corresponding revision hearings Ex set, all of which were denied.  Then there were two hearings at which Ex attempt have Rev held in contempt and to obtain an ex parte restraining order.  Both of Ex’s motions were denied and Rev was cleared of any wrongdoing, though Ex’s poor conducted was noted. As a pro se, Ex has failed to comply with court rules and civil procedure and has been combative in trial preparation. 

Rev has spent thousands of dollars in attorneys’ fees defending Ex’s frivolous actions and proving Ex has lied to the courts. Rev had to spend that money while paying 100% of Vera’s care because Ex was unable or unwilling to do so.  It would be inequitable to allow Ex to escape responsibility for causing tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees, as well as a one year delay in prosecution of the case. Ex’s actions were not done for any reasonable or lawful purpose. They were self-serving, retaliatory, and punitive. Rev is asking the court to reimburse her the fees she has paid out of pocket (approx $42,000) and to further order Ex to pay the balance of her outstanding legal fees directly to her attorney. Rev should be awarded a judgment that allows for immediate wage garnishment to fulfill Ex’s payment obligation.

C.                 Parenting

The primary focus of this trial will be the parties’ evidence of compliance with the factors for establishing a permanent parenting plan under RCW 26.09.187. Section 3 (a) of the statute states:

“The court shall make residential provisions for each child which encourage each parent to maintain a loving, stable, and nurturing relationship with the child, consistent with the child's developmental level and the family's social and economic circumstances…

Where the limitations of RCW 26.09.191 are not dispositive of the child's residential schedule, the court shall consider the following factors:      (i) The relative strength, nature, and stability of the child's relationship with each parent;      (ii) The agreements of the parties, provided they were entered into knowingly and voluntarily;      (iii) Each parent's past and potential for future performance of parenting functions as defined in *RCW 26.09.004(3), including whether a parent has taken greater responsibility for performing parenting functions relating to the daily needs of the child;      (iv) The emotional needs and developmental level of the child;      (v) The child's relationship with siblings and with other significant adults, as well as the child's involvement with his or her physical surroundings, school, or other significant activities;      (vi) The wishes of the parents and the wishes of a child who is sufficiently mature to express reasoned and independent preferences as to his or her residential schedule; and      (vii) Each parent's employment schedule, and shall make accommodations consistent with those schedules.      Factor (i) shall be given the greatest weight.”

The evidence will show that Rev has been a consistent, active part of Vera’s nurturing and development since her birth. Rev has always encouraged and facilitated a strong relationship between Vera and Ex.   Rev has promoted relationships between Vera and consistently allowed Ex’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Vol to have Vera overnights each month throughout the parties’ two-year separation.

The trial court has broad discretion in determining matters relating to the welfare of children. Though Mr. Vol is not deemed a danger to Rev or Vera by Dr. Ramirez, Ex has emotional issues that are relevant to the final parenting plan determination.  Over the past two years Mr. Vol has demonstrated bizarre and malicious behavior towards Rev, and people close to her. Dr. Ramirez indicated in his report that Ex is lacking in interpersonal insensitivity, with regard to the impact his behavior has on others, particularly towards the opposite gender. It’s also noted by Dr. Ramirez that Ex displays evidence of emotional sensitivity and obsessive worry.  All consistent with what Rev has reported to the court throughout this divorce which made co-parenting impossible and at times compromised Rev and Vera’s safety. 

Ex is seeking 50/50 residential time with Vera in a week on/ week off basis. The parties’ daughter is 4 years old. The father seeks an immediate 50/50 residential schedule despite the fact the child has lived 100% with the mother for the past eleven (11) months. This restricted schedule was due to Ex’s disturbing and self- destructive behavior. Dr. Ramirez commented that Ex is not at risk of harm now or showing self –destructive behavior now, but did not address Ex’s past predatory and self-destructive behaviors which supported the protection orders. 

The temporary parenting plan gave Ex two or three overnights per week on an alternating schedule before he was reduced to supervised visitation twice a week for up to four hours duration. Both Colleen Max and Dr. Ramirez recognized that Ex needs both time and professional help to develop and establish healthy boundaries and co-parenting with Rev.  As much as Ex is deemed a loving and attentive father by his counselors, he doesn’t need a 50/50 schedule to accomplish to prove his devotion or to attain quality time with Vera.

There is no science to support any benefit from 50/50 schedules. They are clearly designed to meet the emotional needs of the parents (or one of them, at any rate), rather than the child. To the contrary, studies show significant problems with 50/50 schedules. Alternating between homes gives children less sense of control over their environment and reduces their opportunity to know one parent in depth[1]. Children may not even know which house their possessions are in from day to day. Not surprisingly, one study indicated that 25% of children in 50/50 schedules were anxious and insecure about alternating homes and felt “overburdened” by the situation[2]. Where parental conflict exists, frequent access to both parents often causes emotional and behavioral problems in the child[3]. One parent may degrade the other parent in front of the child and the child may be used as a vehicle to vent hostility and to harm the other parent. 50/50 schedules do not protect children from experiencing grief and anxiety at their parents' breakup[4]. Where parental conflict exists, 50/50 schedules may in fact exacerbate these feelings[5].

            Where parental conflict exists, as in this case, 50/50 schedules often increases this discord and stress[6]. Such schedules, particularly with young children, inevitably increase contact between the parents as they transfer the child.  Where parents are hostile to one another, this frequently results in fighting in front of the child. In addition, despite the arguments of its proponents, there is no evidence that 50/50 schedules result in reduced litigation[7]. This is especially true where 50/50 schedules was ordered by the court over parental objections[8].

Under Washington law, child custody orders should encourage each parent to maintain a loving, stable and nurturing relationship with the child. Although several factors must be considered by the court in every child residential determination, the greatest weight is given to:

[T]he relative strength, nature, and stability of the child's relationship with each parent, including whether a parent has taken greater responsibility for performing parenting functions relating to the daily needs of the child.

            While the court may order alternating physical custody of the child, it may only do so if: 1) alternating custody is in the best interests of the child; and 2) there is no indication of physical, sexual or repeated emotional abuse of the child by a parent and there is no history of willful abandonment of the child by a parent; and 3) the parents have agreed to joint physical custody or the parents have a satisfactory history of cooperation and shared performance of parenting functions. RCW 26.09.187(3)(b). In this case, factor 2 is not at issue, but factors 1 and 3 are very much at issue. Even if 50/50 plans had a reasonable basis in other cases, there is simply too much conflict between Ex and Rev to think it will work here. Despite the fact the parties were only married for three years and there was essentially no property to divide, this proceeding has drug on for two years due to the high level of conflict.

In the past two years Ex has taken Rev to court at least five times and had each order denied.  On the other hand Rev has had to seek protection orders three times against Ex for stalking, harassment, and threat of harm to their child. All of which she succeeded in getting.  Ex has demonstrated little to no cooperation with Rev in disseminating pertinent information pertaining to the child as demonstrated by his refusal to disclose his job loss (which affected the child’s daycare and insurance coverage), non-payment of child related expenses (after lying and saying he did for several months), and non-payment of court ordered child support, daycare and medical insurance. Evidence at trial will show that Ex has alienated most of their mutual friends telling them Rev has lied to get protection orders against him. Ex the vetoed the offer Rev made to reduce daycare and transportations costs, even though it was in Ex’s and Vera’s best interests. Ex does not offer to assist Rev in caring for Vera, Instead he makes unreasonable demands for time, information, and compliance on Rev’s part and threatens court action if she doesn’t comply.

It is not in Vera’s best interest to be given equal time with Ex. Dr. Ramirez recommended Ex continue counseling with Matthew Jacobsen to establish a “more functional divided family with Rev.” Dr. Ramirez also recommended that Ex participate in six sessions with Michelle Clemson to “develop and maintain healthy non-alienating parental cooperation” with Rev. Mr. Vol may be a loving attentive dad, but has not yet reached the point where he puts the child’s needs and cooperative parenting above his own personal agenda.  Rev agrees to follow Colleen Max’s recommendation for the final parenting plan with Dr. Ramirez’s additional recommendations. This would place the child primarily with Rev allowing the father increased time gradually. 

D.    Conclusion

The court should enter a final parenting plan that adopts the recommendation of Colleen Max and Dr. Ramirez. The parties should not be required to divide any more property, and should maintain the status quo, financially, that they have for the previous two years. Rev should be awarded a judgment for 100% of her attorneys’ fees and costs in this divorce litigation, payable to her and her attorney by wage garnishment. The court should enter Ms. Rever’s proposed pleadings which address all of these issues appropriately.

  Respectfully submitted this 11th day of July 2013

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Amelia Oliver,                                                                                     Attorney for Respondent

                                                                                                                                                                                [1] Steinman, S., The Experience of Children in a Joint Custody Arrangement: A Report of a Study, 51 American J. of Orthopsychiatry 403-414 (1981), Clarke-Stewart, A., Child Care in the Family, Academic Press, New York, N.Y., 1977.

[2] Steinman, supra note 32.

[3] Mr. Volson, J.L., et al, Ongoing Post Divorce Conflict: Effects on Children of Joint Custody and Frequent Access, 59 Am. J. Orthopsychiatry 576-595 (1989), McKinnon and Wallerstein, Joint Custody and the Preschool Child, 4 Behav. Sciences & Law 169 (1986).

[4] McKinnon & Wallerstein, supra note 34 at 180., Steinman, et al, A Study of Parents who sought Joint Custody Following Divorce: Who Reaches Agreement and Sustains Joint Custody and Who Returns to Court, 24 J. Amer. Acad. Child Psych. 554-562 (1985)

[5] McKinnon & Wallerstein, supra note 34 at 180.

[6] Felner, R.D. & Terre, L., Child Custody Dispositions and Children's Adaptation Following Divorce, In: Weithom, L.A. (ed.) Psychiatry and Child Custody Determinations; Knowledge, Roles and Expertise, University of Nebraska Press, Lincoln, Neb. (1984) p. 124, Steinman, et al, supra note 35.

[7] Felner, R.D. & Terre, L., supra note 37 at 138-139, Phear, W. et al, An Empirical Study of Custody Agreements: Joint versus Sole Legal Custody, In: Joint Custody and Shared Parenting, Folberg, Jay (ed.) supra note 11 at 142-156.

December of 2012 was a particularly active month with lots of roller coaster ups and downs. GQ moved out of our very family oriented town home and for me it came down to not wanting to be where I was constantly reminded of what could have been, but was no longer. I chose a place closer to my work and to my daughter’s school. The 3rd great move in under 2 years happened just before Christmas. When it came to the packing I made sure that I didn’t pack anything that would serve as a reminder to what could have been when I would unpack a few days later. Throwing away memories was like trying to bleach my brain after seeing something that is unforgettable, impossible, but nonetheless I would attempt it. I also had my moments of having to pack Mr. GQ's items that he left behind and would place some of the memories in those boxes so that he would have to deal with them... I know it was a bit evil, but made me feel better if only for a few solitary moments.

Life went on as it always seems to do, but not without drama from my ex. While at work on a Tuesday, I received this massive package of paper. Clearly whoever sent this had no intention of making the world a greener place by saving a tree or five as it was in this case. After reading about three pages of legalese, I discovered what this wasted pulp was about. As fate would have it, if you don’t pay your mortgage for a year or slightly longer, the bank would auction off your house to the highest bidder, and my ex was the lucky “owner” or rather unreliable mortgage payer who would lose his house. Odd, because he had claimed that he was paying for the house the entirety of our separation and told the parenting evaluator that our daughter needed some “consistency in her life” so he would keep the house to ensure that she would always have a "stable environment" that she could feel safe in. What a load of, well, you know...

Given that we were still technically married, the bank’s attorney’s wanted to ensure that I was aware of the happenings and probably wanted me to pay. Uh right, my name isn’t on the title and no thanks.

Really it just amounted to another series of lies to add to his pile of the Everest mountain of lies.

A few weeks later he was able to short sell what was once our home (but never really felt like home to me) for $100k less than what he had purchased it for 7 years prior.

Quick recap of facts: He lost his wife, lost his job, gotten a DUI, gave away our dog, was reduced to supervised visitation with our daughter because of his crazy, harassing behavior and now lost his house all in just over 15 months. This would make a damn good country song, except for the whole, "I went crazy on my ex-wife" bit.

As mean and nasty as he was too me, I began to pity the fool. While I was going through my own tough times, I was still managing to maintain and perform well in my career and our daughter was excelling in school making me feel like I was still a decent mother in spite of the ongoing separation and other drama.

A few more months went by and he would still do the occasional Facebook check-in where he had discovered I liked to visit regularly. While it was disturbing, all of this really became more annoying as time wore on. According to one of the supervisor’s reports he had discovered that GQ and I were no longer together because our daughter let him know, which I think reduced the volume of harassment, as my ex would have confidently thought that he had destroyed my life by separating me from my “paramour” as he had called Mr. GQ in front of our daughter apparently so often that she then repeated it.

I got out more with friends that I hadn't seen in quite some time and discovered new ones. Managed to get promoted in under a year and continued to play just as hard. My life has always had its way of balancing out just enough so that I don't feel pressure on all sides all the time.

A mediation attempt happened and failed. He was impossible to negotiate with because he would never budge and it was always me giving in which I had learned in prior months to stand strong and do no such thing. His final attorney then fired him as a client once the negotiations fell through.

No more than a couple months after weathering the larger half of craziness at the hands of my ex and all of the obstacles that he had thrown at us or between us really. GQ and I had an emotionally raw conversation that led to me letting him go at his request. I had been out of town for the week prior on a work trip and we had barely talked given the demanding meeting schedule and time constraints that tend to consume me when I am away on business. I hated the look that he gets when he is upset. His eyes darkened and were no longer the beautiful green hazel that I found myself drifting into every time I went in for a kiss or a strong loving bear hug. His smile had turned into a straight frown with little more than a slight downward curve. I wouldn’t dare kiss his sadness away as I once done for his worries. I had to stay strong. His olive skin now looked more of a yellow tint as if he were sick and trying to overcome the flu. God I loved him and couldn’t believe that my ex had come between us like this. Stay strong. Clarifying this in one of our final conversations, my ex was 95% of the problem and GQ didn’t want to have to deal with his bs the rest of his life. What about our daughter? She was going to miss him. More than I think she even missed her father at times. Stay strong.

At this point in time I did not think that things could get any worse outside of the many ways that my ex was torturing me or that I could feel more alone. I truly underestimated this. I was almost to the bottom. I cannot say that I did not feel slightly deserted, because I did. He was leaving during a time that I needed him the most. In the thought cycle of feeling abandoned, I also came to the realization that he should go, because this was my war. I had, by default, mistakenly made him a target of my ex’s anger and I did not have the shield to protect him. No matter how much I tried, if he wasn’t willing to or couldn’t be there, to stand by my side, to fight alongside me, then he wasn’t cut out to be a part of my life in its entirety. The good, the bad, the ugly.

So many months prior he would tell me that I was worth it. I was worth the stress, frustration, challenge, and obscene garbage that was spinning around us like a tornado full of debris. And ultimately I came to my own conclusion that I am worth it. But not just worth it for a man that was willing to stand by my side, but for a man that was willing to fight with me and even in the darkest of times be the only one fighting to defend me when I cannot defend myself. Ultimately I forgave Mr. GQ for taking the out that I gave him. I want him to be happy and successful in whatever he does.

Unfortunately for that “next” guy, he will have to break down some serious stone walls, but as one of my closest girlfriends says, “You are the full package and more often than not, a full package and a half because you have so much to offer.” What are friends for if not to pick you up when you are down, congratulate you on your achievements and smack you across the face when you are being an idiot?!

Some people cannot handle the drama that they themselves create. To date at this point in our divorce, my ex has (allegedly) attempted to break into my place of residence, loosened my lug nuts, mailed me books about reconciling, also placed a similar box of books on my vehicle, flattened my tires more than half a dozen times, sent me a third party email, left a threatening voice mail on Mr. GQ’s phone, created 2 websites about GQ and I, created a twitter account to stalk me, posted a review about my attorney, gotten arrested for a DUI and reckless driving, accused GQ of hitting our daughter, and I’m sure I am missing something, but this would only amount to half of it.

Following the submission of the subpoenas to the various places that had websites about myself and GQ, we received a broad range of information. The emails, websites and other cyber related crimes were all coming from one source, x corporation where my ex was employed. The one problem with sending a subpoena to x corporation was that they were known for being buttoned up about all of their technology and information. They would fight my subpoena and most likely financially crush me… I was not prepared to wage a legal battle against them for this information and in turn settled for what they were willing to provide, my exes work history, application and details regarding his involuntary termination. He was fired! Unfortunately, that also meant that our daughter was no longer insured, child support would probably go away and he would have more time on his hands.

Reading the details of his termination revealed that he had been terminated back in early July, which was around the time he was arrested for the DUI. Regarding our daughters insurance, by this point it was mid August and we were out of the open enrollment period for insurance and she would have to be uninsured for the remainder of the year. The good news that did come from this was that Mr. GQ was no longer going to have to worry about my ex harassing him at work or the possibility of running into him.

With that free time on my ex's hands, he began to send gifts in our daughter’s overnight backpack. The backpack was supposed to be used to transport her blankets and animal friends. He sent unsigned cards that had poems on them, a necklace with a quote about love enduring all, a picture and frame that I had requested 6 months earlier that he claimed had been stolen, but added a bible verse in the back of the frame and of course a pair of his underwear. The last gift was particularly obnoxious and disturbing. When I confronted him via email, he denied that they were his underwear. I swear, my ex has never told the truth in his life and the problem with lying is that you continue to lie in order to cover up the first lie and then life becomes a mountain of lies. His life is the Mount Everest of mountains made out of lies.

I brought the gifts to the attention of the local police, the parenting evaluator and to my attorney. The police had a great laugh, however the parenting evaluator did not take this gift giving lightly and pushed for .191 restrictions. RCW .191 restrictions limit mutual decision making and allow one parent to be the sole decision maker. I agreed and we went to court to plead our case and won. Instead of having over nights with our daughter, my ex would be restricted to supervised visitation only. Specifically this decision was based on the on going harassment of myself and in this state harassment and stalking are forms of domestic violence. You cannot use children as tools or weapons against the other parent and that is exactly what my ex had been doing.

GQ and I became full time parents, which added a bit of stress to our relationship. Mainly because we would need to make time for ourselves by establishing a consistent date night now that we weren't going to get the “time off” that we had before. In my new position I began to travel a little and would take my daughter to visit both sets of grandparents for short spurts of time.

Homewrecker: a person who has romantic relations with someone in a relationship, resulting in the infidelity of the partnered person and the potential dissolution of their partnership (a.k.a. "home").

Mr. GQ was being accused of being a homewrecker by the mysterious third party e-mailer (remember: I believe the third party was my ex). Which if the sender would have thought this term through or looked it up in a dictionary they would have realized that there was no relationship to wreck. My marriage was long gone and had been for some time following my ex’s double dealing heart and man piece.

We forwarded this email to the Parenting Evaluator (PE) and she confronted my ex, who of course denied it. Oddly enough, he then received an email from the same third party email with a very similar threatening email. So many coincidences…. (NOTE: who takes the time to write themselves a threatening email. Can you imagine how ridiculous that is... just think about it for a minute.) He was continuing to dig his grave and the sides were beginning to crumble in on him. At this point the attorneys decided it was time to discuss all the emails and continuous fodder in a conference with the PE.

The PE noted that all of the actions that appeared to be coming from my ex seemed to correlate with times when my ex most likely felt like he was pushed into a corner. Apparently my ex was taking the saying “nobody puts baby in a corner” quite seriously… It also appeared that there was a complete lack of logical thinking surrounding the consequences of his (third party) actions.

This downward spiral was worse than a sharknado on Mother Nature’s steroids during El Nina and was getting worse every day. The time came for us to subpoena the companies that controlled the email addresses and his workplace to see if we could get a trace on the IP addresses. Unfortunately, the companies were over the top resistant and exactly the issue we expected to run into. Another dead end.

The next day, I received an email notifying me that the review of my attorney had been submitted. All I could say to myself was, “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” If there ever was a line that was set to be crossed to notate that my ex had gone too far, we were now about 9,018 miles beyond it. Or maybe like I had told him that we had passed the exit a long time ago and he insisted that we would find our destination soon on this same meandering road….To date he had harassed me, two of my good friends, my current boyfriend, my parents and now my attorney and had attempted to isolate me from others and make me feel like I was alone. This boy takes the crazy cake, pie and cheesecake.

Within two weeks of my crazy town ex spiraling into the ground as if he was drilling for oil, his attorney had had enough and withdrew. At this point we were within two months of our trial. Insert F*bomb here.

Less than a week later, I was being accused of breaking into my ex’s house. Oddly the items missing were mostly mountain climbing gear, which in a police report he pointed the finger at GQ and I, stating that GQ climbed mountains and that he would want that gear… Ummm news flash ex, GQ makes more money than you and can afford his own gear. Again I had another WTF aneurysm. The police called me and wanted to discuss the report that had been filed and of course I obliged. The officer simply stated that he needed to ask me some basic questions, but also noted that my ex seemed to be gunning for GQ and I and that he didn’t believe that we were actually the ones that committed the burglary as there appeared to be suspicious circumstances. I wonder what those circumstances were and asked, but he stated that he would not elaborate at that time. Either way, the police seemed to have my ex’s number and were watching him closely.

Things calmed down for all of 5 days… and then I walked into my daughter's school and the Director informing me that we have a rather large bill that was overdue. I asked her to tell me what the bill was related to and she simply stated that we no longer had the x company discount. Odd. The x company discount was my ex’s company discount that was applied to our daughter’s tuition bill on a weekly basis. It was then that it occurred to me that my ex no longer worked for x company and given the large bill sitting in my lap, he hadn’t worked there for some time.

As if my life wasn’t already so much fun, it was about to get more challenging….

Shortly after moving into our town home, I decided that it would be best to look at other career options given the close proximity to my ex and his role within the same company. There had been a report of his tires being slashed and his office being tossed. I still laugh at this given the sheer level of craziness to commit this own act on your own $50,000 vehicle. Unfortunately, I was a consultant/vendor and not a full time employee at the company and my ex had the leverage given his full time status. He reported to the security team that I should be viewed as a person of interest and so should Mr. GQ. They began their investigation of us, only to clear Mr. GQ and I as persons of interest a few days later.

If you know me, I am fairly open about this type of information if you ask me about it I would tell you the major points without getting into too much detail, but I really have to thank my boss at the time for having such a wonderful open door policy because I had been up front about everything that was going on personally, so that in the case that I needed time off for whatever reason, he would understand why. However, given the intentional harm that my ex was inflicting on me and a few around me, I could tell my boss was beginning to feel uneasy. Beyond just trying to harm me any way he could whether through my career, by way of threatening GQ, talking badly about me in front of our daughter, my ex didn’t give two thoughts to any of the consequences that would come from all of his negative actions.

Because of his carelessness, I sensed that he was unnecessarily making my employer a target for a larger investigation and I did not want to jeopardize the other 100 plus people in my company or their livelihoods. I needed to begin looking at my career options and looking into larger companies that would not tolerate this type of behavior and would have the secure work environment that I needed to be protected from him. Lucky enough for me, I found my next gig and began within a couple of weeks of deciding to make the career change.

Home life was as good as could be expected given the external interference. There were mornings that Mr. GQ and I would wake up to multiple emails from a third party threatening us, him, or me. As Mr. GQ and I grew closer the tension over the stress increased too. How is a budding love to withstand all of this bullshit? Not to mention the flying accusations from my ex accusing Mr. GQ of hitting our daughter. The drama kept coming and showed no signs of slowing down. And then one morning I received a text. Apparently my ex had been arrested and booked for driving recklessly while intoxicated.

My jaw dropped like an anvil on Wiley Coyote. I had suspected for some time that my ex had an issue with booze, but never thought that he would drive while under the influence and recklessly at that. Before I could present this to the parenting evaluator, who was still conducting her evaluation at this point, I needed proof. A text wasn’t going to prove much. Looking up public records is surprisingly easy and quick. There it was my exes name and the reason for his arrest. Ctrl + Print Screen. She was going to have a hay day over this and thank goodness our daughter wasn’t in the car or spending the night with him. What a mess.

Given his actions and not knowing if he was going to be released from jail, I decided to take our daughter to my parent’s home and get out of town for the weekend. It was all of a sudden like I kicked the attorney’s hornet nest. My exes attorney was emailing my attorney every few minutes threatening contempt and violating the parenting plan, blah blah blah. There was no way I was going to leave my daughter with someone who was in such disarray as my ex was.

The emails eventually ceased and we were able to have a somewhat relaxing weekend. When Monday came there was another lot of dramatic garbage to deal with. The threatening emails increased in volume, I assume after my exes hangover and numbness had worn off.

The cyber stalking continued and on almost a daily basis Mr. GQ was receiving an email regarding the third party email account changing its password or another email that attempted to connect him to the account. It had become apparent that my ex was attempting to frame GQ and that we would need to fight fire with fire. The only way to get the proof behind my suspicion was to hire a cyber-investigator. I had asked more of my technologically advanced friends and it seemed that my ex was spoofing the emails. Essentially, he had launched a cyber attack on GQ where he was attempting to masquerade as him and would connect the IP address of the email account to GQ’s old residence.

The continuing harassment and knowing that my ex knew where both GQ and I lived became too much stress for us to have restful nights of peace. GQ had a gun and on nights where it was just us and our daughter wasn't at home. With the safety on and under his pillow, it brought a little peace. However, I never felt safe having the gun in the presence of my daughter. Not wanting to continue this restless was of life we decided to move and I entered the address confidentiality program in order to gain back some peace of mind.

We decided on a beautiful town home in a suburb close to his office and not too far from mine. A little river was nearby with a great walking/biking trail and we would spend our evenings walking together, as a family, to see the ducks. It began an evening ritual after dinner. Soon GQ and my daughter developed a bedtime ritual where she would lay on the floor and stick her feet high over her head until he came and picked her up by her ankles and carried her upstairs to her bedroom screaming that Mommy monster was going to get her. Our laughter filled our home. These were the moments that you bring to top of mind when going through tougher times. This happiness was a bright star on a dark night.

Simultaneously with the ongoing harassment, online and offline, we were still enduring an ongoing custody battle. As part of the prior ruling, we were assigned a parenting evaluator to determine how the final parenting plan should be laid out. Along with reporting all of the harassment to the police, we began sharing the emails with her so that she may include them in her report that was due out at the end of the summer. It was nerve racking knowing that she would be the one to decide on what my ex and I could not compromise on. It was the parenting evaluator’s recommendation that we hire a Cyber PI. I did my due diligence and was able to connect with someone who was among the best if not the best in this type of investigation. When I spoke with him, following our conversation, all I could think about was “let the games begin”.

More emails began to land in friend’s inbox's asking them why they were siding with me and my adulterous relationship. Only this time the emails were from my ex and he was making no attempt to hide his identity. He referred directly to GQ and our daughter’s best interests. His messaging was consistent with wording from the third party emails.

There were so many things that I loved about Mr. GQ. He was handsome, funny, silly and above all my daughter adored him. He was a protector and the lover that I had longed for following the long drawn out heart break that I had experienced in the previous year. In almost every way he was perfect and in spite of poor timing, was right on time. He was also stubborn as hell and to this day still is….

Sitting at work running through my prior weekend with a coworker we happened upon conversations about googling yourself and checking out what came up on the internet. The issues with my ex had caused a few of my coworkers to become protective and more alert than usual when it came to interesting coincidences. So when my coworker was goofing around googling each of us, she typed in my name and started giggling…”there is a picture of an older guy that comes up when I Google you. What’s up with that?”  “Hmm that’s odd,” I said aloud and then requested that she show me the picture. “It’s probably my ex. He hasn’t aged so well.” You can imagine the jaw drop that took place when Mr. GQ’s face was the image that she was talking about. We clicked on the picture and it appeared to be linked to some site about cheating. Now my curiosity was heightened and I am one to search out a lead or information until that curiosity is fed and my questions are answered to my satisfaction. Typing in the address made me feel like I was in high school again, dealing with a jealous teenage girl. That is the kind of site this was for people who have too much anger built up and time on their hands. As it turns out, quite a few people have a lot of time on their hands…. Mr. GQ had a profile with a description and a few pictures attached. One of the pictures was of me. I could feel my temperature rising and my cheeks getting flushed as I read the description about how I had apparently left my ex-husband for GQ and that I had passed the relationship off as a work relationship. Some of the images were of my underwear, apparently according to whoever posted this, they were too sexy for someone who was going through a divorce to wear… WTF?! The headshots that were on the site were an interesting choice as well because these particular images came from a secure local tech company that Mr. GQ and I had worked with. The person that created this profile had to have access to the company security badge images either by being an employee or a consultant.

My ex just so happened to be a full time employee for this same company. Note: there have been many coincidences up to this point. Had he really had the time to create such a dumb piece of internet trash? It seemed ridiculous at the time, but now that I look back on it, it is so his style these days. Thinking more about the crap on the screen in front of me, I decided to Google GQ instead of myself. Sure enough another site popped up. This site was one where someone would post an image and a story about someone and then random internet cruisers could vote on if they thought the person was a bad person or a good person. The most concerning bits of information attached to this site was Mr. GQ’s phone number and a work address. The fact that he hadn’t experienced anything like this until he met me or my ex was more coincidences then I could stomach.

Taking screen shot after screen shot, I fired them off to my attorney so that she could send the sites removal orders given the protection order. I called GQ and let him know the drama I had uncovered. He was unsurprisingly upset. I felt helpless in every way and for once like this was my fault. I could see that my ex realized that he would not be able to control, but that through harassing those I loved and those closest to me, he had gotten the reaction he wanted. He couldn’t see it, but I knew right then and there that he had won a little.

As the custody battle raged on we had another court date quickly approaching that would sort out how our time with our daughter would be spent and divided. At the moment it was split in half, but given recent actions and circumstantial coincidences, who knew how this would go. Mr. GQ and I counted the days until the next hearing while constantly looking over our backs.

If I were Mr. GQ at this point, I would sprinted out the door. But when I awoke the next day, he was right there beside me, peacefully dreaming in his dark brown morning stubble and perfectly tanned skin. Yeah he was beautiful and for a moment I forgot about the craziness also known as my ex and drifted into a family focused fantasy. A place where GQ, my daughter and I wouldn't have to deal with all the excess drama and just live out our lives in a boring modern house with a yard and a dog. 

The court house is a cold place. It’s not located in the nicest part of town with your typical transients like bums, drug attics, and people that are unhappy because they are there. Entering the court house is similar to going through customs at the airport. You have to walk through a metal detector and put all of your belongings into a bin that will also go through an x-ray machine. In a way it made me feel a bit safer, but I still had the biggest knot ever in my stomach, not knowing how this day would go. Once you walk beyond the metal detectors the interior is quite beautiful, with ivory marble from floor to ceiling with the occasional dark finished wood placard. It should have been a museum. The lights are something out of an antique magazine and are dull to match the dreary winter weather here. There is nothing warm and fuzzy about the court house.

As I walked into the court room where our case would be heard, I saw my ex from across the room, with a ridiculous smirk on his face like he was in on a joke with his attorney that I was not privy to. He always thought he knew more than anyone else and if he didn’t, he would act like he did. It drove my best friend crazy and I just ignored it. I chalked his know it all attitude up to a man peacocking, “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! MY FEATHERS ARE MUCH BRIGHTER AND PRETTIER THAN YOURS!” My attorney was not far behind me and sat down next to me. I had met with her briefly the previous week to discuss our case and how the proceedings may go. She thought I had a good case and was confident in our evidence.

Immediately we were called up to the tables parallel to each other, but side by side facing the commissioner massive wooden island of a desk. The commissioner was a substitute and my attorney wasn’t familiar with her. Throughout the proceedings I was shaking like a leaf ready to be plucked from my fragile branch in the autumn wind. The hearing did not go as well as my attorney thought it should have gone. The commissioner simply stated that she would issue a dual restraining order because the court system was going to be against my ex. That was it. My attorney made it verbally clear to the commissioner that she was upset at her ruling and that we would appeal the order stating that this was an action that further victimized the victim.

The good that did come from the hearing included limitations on daily emails, distance from each other and restrictions on phone calls, text messages and further harassment via social media or otherwise. Looking back on it, while it may have seemed like a worthless order, it created one hell of a paper trail that even he has not been able to escape and has afforded me space that I so badly needed.

In the next month, Mr. GQ and I were progressing smoothly in our relationship and everything seemed to fit together and fall into place. We had met each other’s’ parents and both approved of who we had chosen. My daughter became increasingly attached to him and he to her. Few of us are so lucky to have loved like I have and it is worth every second of heartbreak that led up to those moments. The time to enjoy these moments of love and laughter soon became increasingly entangled with the moments of frustration, anger and anxiety. My ex was not going to let me have my peace and move on so quickly.

Over the next couple of months I received numerous threatening emails from a third party that I did not know. The emails read like something out of book. I began to wonder if my ex was really this immature and crazy. The formation of words and the slamming of Mr. GQ seemed too coincidental to be some random person. My ex had gone off the deep end. As if loosening my lug nuts wasn’t enough, he needed to go the extra mile to try and convince me that I was dating a bad person. Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black? As if he knew how to be a decent person and therefore could define what one was, right…

I had no interest in my ex or what he was up to, but you know friends, they talk. Mine were mainly concerned about posts on his social media that cited quotes that were all about marriage and how it works if you work at it, forgive, love and more items of a similar nature. He also had many pictures of us as a family plastered everywhere. He was clearly in denial and had not hit the point of realization. Here is this 40 something year old man and his actions were similar to that of a teenage girl PMSing and frantically trying to win a popularity contest all at once. Not to mention always the victim.

Soon enough we had another hearing to set our temporary parenting plan and I came out on top given the circumstantial evidence I was able to collect and provide as well as our ability to prove that he was attempting to deceive the court. This did not sit well with the commissioner and she awarded me with primary custody. He appealed and lost.

Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad, and that's why I call you dad, because you are so special to me. You taught me the game and you taught me how to play it right. - Wade Boggs

I am one of the few people in the world that has been lucky enough to have 2 dads. Both have taught me a lot and more than anything they are why I am who I am today. You have them to thank if you appreciate among many things my sarcasm, confidence, friendship and above all else the fact that I know how to change my own car oil and tires (funny given my prior entry right?!).

My Dad, aka Papa Ape, is the most sarcastic son of a bitch (not a reference to my grandmother) I know. At a towering 6’1”, my legs are longer than his, but he has me beat out in the length of his back. I remember when my sister and I would spend car rides with him going from home to our grandparents shop and we would rock out to AC DC or some other form of classic rock, singing along to every lyric we could guess. He would always ask, “Do you know who the artist is?” Sis and I would just look at each other and then begin barraging him with a number of the now oldie classics like Springsteen, Eagles, Led Zeppelin, etc. One of us would manage to get it right, shouting out  “EAGLES!” Of course Papa Ape’s response was, “Yeah and it should stay that way.”

Yep – that was my Dad. Hey Papa Ape, do you remember that time that you came home early to surprise Sis and I with fast food for lunch and we were busy using your little tractor as an ATV and doing wheelies over the mound of dirt? We did manage to get some serious height out of that old little clunker. Yeah, that still cracks me up to the point of laughing tears. I remember running to my room, as if that was going to do any good. Or that time that I fell backwards onto the light cover for the pole barn that we all built together and sliced my now upper right thigh? I know back then it was my butt cheek and you and mom got a kick out of calling me “stitch butt”. Amazing what adding 6 inches to your height will do... I blame that scar on you, because your mentality was just to rub a little dirt on it and it will be all better. Mom didn’t take that one too well.. HAHA But now that I have a child of my own and she falls down, I just tell her to shake it off. No blood, no foul right?

I could not choose my fondest memories with Papa Ape, because every single one of them has made me into the woman I am today. I loved doing the fun runs at autocross with the oversized kids’ helmets bouncing off the interior of the white Volkswagen Rabbit with a loud thud or twenty as we screeched around the construction orange cone outlined race course in sticky racing tires; and playing in the mounds of sand and dirt with his old hot wheels then meeting up with my parents later in the day covered in dirt speckles and looking like a ragamuffin.

Hey Papa Ape – do you remember that time you challenged me to an old school sprint off following my acceptance of my collegiate track and field scholarship? We were at the old blacktop track by Jennings Elementary School where all the chestnuts dropped and were made into spikey weapons during recess time when fall arrived. We were neck and neck, but I just barely beat you, however a win is a win old man ;)

My Step-Dad, Snotty, as we affectionately refer to him, is the silver fox of silver foxes. This poor sap met us in the middle of teenage angst and the boy craze years. Snotty is also sarcastic, goofy at times and as laid back as an old guy should be. I appreciate so many of the same qualities in Snotty that my Papa Ape also has, but I really adore his affection and overflowing emotion. Not to say that he is an emotional woman, but he has been known to dress like one on occasion, teaching me a lot about diversity and accepting people for who they are or want to be…Yeah, I don’t judge and he is the reason why!

For the most part, I thought Sis and I were easy on him. However, there was that one time that I attended a high school party and the cops called my parents in the middle of the night and I was supposed to be spending the night at a friend’s house… I’m sure that got his ticker going. Or the time that your much younger male coworker asked me out on a date. You know the idiot that removed the doors from his jeep… Why did you give him permission to ask me out? I’m sure it was some sort of revenge for the times that we pushed you to your patience limit.

Snotty also taught me that Vicodin following an intense knee surgery should not be your drug of choice and that drugs in general are evil. He had to camp out in our living room while he recovered from surgery and who knows why, but he began to hallucinate that there were knives flying/floating all around him. This was an instrumental piece of my drug education. Vicodin = bad. Just say no.

In all seriousness, I have never seen someone work as hard as Snotty has worked in his lifetime. He taught me a lot about perseverance, patience, dedication, commitment and of course how to change a tire!

My Dads are the best Dads because they taught me how to be a driven, hardworking, practical woman, and I love them for all that they have taught me and continue to teach me, like how to dress like a woman if I were a man and tell kids that they suck at singing J. I thank you both for your years of commitment to me as your daughter and sticking by me even though I’m sure at some point you wondered how I would make it in the world.

-George Chakiris

  Coming down from the love high that Mr. GQ had given me was sudden and left a huge knot in my stomach. What was that loud noise coming from my car? Pulling up to the parking lot of our destination, it was a metal on metal noise originating from the passenger side rear wheel, but upon initial inspection I could not see anything that was blatantly wrong or out of place. Now while Mr. GQ is male, I found he knew very little about the mechanics of a car and I was far better off looking into it myself given that both my Dad and Step-Dad were mechanics. I needed to get to my appointment and I would look more into the issue after.

Pondering while sitting in the waiting room, it occurred to me that while the tire did not feel wobbly when driving, I did not check all areas of the wheels. I looked under the carriage prior to attending my appointment, but I did not check the lug nuts. “OH MY GOD!! I NEED TO CHECK THE LUG NUTS”, I said out loud in an excited, yet extremely disturbed tone. Who would do this? The only two people typically in my vehicle were my daughter and I. Who would want to harm us? At this point in time I racked my brain for a list of enemies, which of course came up completely blank. A number of scenarios scrolled through my mind like words on a teleprompter and then it was like I walked into a street lamp on the corner. My ex…. He was one of very few people that would want to do this and have the opportunity to given that he knew I was out of town for the holidays. Wow, was the only word that kept flashing in my mind.

Later, I confirmed my suspicions of the loosened lug nuts when I reached down to check them on the rear passenger wheel. Sure enough, one of the five lug nuts was clinging onto the last threads of its bolt. Fortunately, I had a tire iron in the back of my car and was able to tighten the lug nuts enough to make it to a local tire shop and have them do the rest of the work. The mechanic simply stated that we were lucky we weren’t going further or faster, because they weren’t sure how much longer my wheel would have lasted without shooting off resulting in a large accident.

The packages of books, text messages, the voicemails and phone calls and now the loosened lug nuts, I was at my limit. This was the last straw. With the assistance from my family I decided to obtain an attorney. I no longer felt safe and my ex was going beyond just acting out due to hurt, he was becoming harmful to more than just me and would begin to affect our daughter. It was time to put an end to this before it got worse. Although, I was unsure as to how much worse it would get at this point.

The next day I went to the courthouse and with the assistance of a few folks I was able to file my motion for anti-harassment, which as I soon found out has as much weight as an anti-domestic violence order in the state where we reside. I had the backing of the police report and a lot of circumstantial evidence, but the catch was that I had no smoking gun as you would call it. Unfortunately, all the items and information that I had gathered did not prove without a doubt that my ex was the one behind the actions/crimes.

As I stood there before the judge, debating about the basis of my order, she decided to issue a temporary order (2 weeks) until a court appearance by both parties could take place. This way my ex could get his fair chance to counter my “allegations”.

Mr. GQ handsomely played the role of chauffeur as he picked my family and me up from the airport. For the first time, in what seemed like years, I had missed someone other than my immediate family and had yearned for his hug. Feeling the level of support and love from him that I did, made me appreciate the direction that my life was going. It also made me realize that I had been deeply undervalued by my ex. Of course, I did not need GQ to come to this realization, but it was a nice benefit of having him in my corner.

Walking up the stairs to my cute little apartment I quickly noticed something was amiss. The front door ornament was missing and there appeared to be dirt all over my door. Upon closer inspection, the dirt was actually a bunch of typical yard debris in the shape of two shoe prints. The shoe prints had made a couple of large indents into the reinforced door. My dead bolt had held and nothing seemed to be missing from inside my place. Regardless, I called the cops immediately to report the attempted break-in and wondered if any other places had been broken into or at least had attempts made on them.

When the officer arrived he asked me the typical interview questions: “How long had you been out of town?” “When did you discover the attempted break in?” “Is there anyone that may have wanted to break into your place?” That last question echoed in my head for a moment and I began to walk the officer through recent events such as discovering the packages of books as well as receiving the crazy text messages, phone calls and emails at all hours of the day. Immediately the officer began to recommend different types of protection orders that I should evaluate and then apply for the one that fits my situation best. Was it really going to go this way? Is this what our last 5 years was going to amount to in the end?

The officer and his partner began to lift the two boot prints from the door, but couldn’t get all that they needed to make them into pieces of evidence. Given the damage done to the door and the history of events the officer wanted to be sure to walk around the property and inspect my vehicle to ensure that nothing else had been disturbed. As we started the descent from my floor, I discovered my door decoration on the rooftop below. Whoever had attempted to break-in had tossed my wreath over the balcony and it had landed just one floor below. Seriously, who would do this? I called my landlord to ask her if there were any other known issues with break-ins at this property. To which she responded with the fact that she wasn’t aware of any prior or new incidents.

The initial walk was over to my parent’s vehicle (roughly 500 feet from my front door) where we noticed that their tires had been deflated. This had happen to my vehicle about a half a dozen times or more and likely was not a coincidence. A few key items to note: all parking spots were unmarked, so if this was a random act then how why would they coincidentally deflate my parents tires, when my car was just another 500 feet away? Also why weren’t any other owners in the same lot having the same issues with their cars? My parent’s vehicle was still in good condition and did not have any other damage.

The short stroll over to my car felt as if it was a couple hundred miles. Rambling through the hibernating rhododendrons and tall pine trees made it feel as though I was on an ultra-marathon walk from one coast of America to the other. I just wanted to get to my car to see what damage had been done. The officer circled my vehicle multiple times before coming to the conclusion that no damage appeared to have been done and that the only victims today were my parent’s car and my front door. Two more issues than I expected to find upon arriving home, but nonetheless we were not worse for the wear.

Finally we wrapped up the report and we were all able to go about our day.

Later that same day I had an appointment. Mr. GQ decided to join me so that we could discuss the day’s events as well as catch some ‘adult’ time. While in the car en route to our destination I thought that it was time to say my peace with GQ. The drama was increasing with my ex and last thing I sought was for someone else to be affected. At that moment, driving south down the highway, I let him know that he could walk away from our newly budding relationship; all he had to do was let me know. The scenarios running through my mind did not include a positive outcome given the ever accumulating drama. With the most sincere reply, GQ reached over and clutched my free hand. Right then and there, he said that I was worth it and that he would stay by my side as long as I would have him. He was adamant about me understanding what he had just said and repeated himself emphasizing every syllable of his private proclamation. I happily clung to every last word in that sentence as if my life depended on it at that moment.

My girlfriend and I walked into the Irish pub to meet Mr. GQ and his friend for a drink. We ponied up to the bar and chatted with the bartender briefly before deciding on our poison of choice. After a brief set of niceties, the four of us decided to grab a table out on the patio to soak up what was left of the summer sun as it headed to the other side of the world.

We took the time over the next few hours to discuss the basics of each of our lives like what we all did for a living, hobbies, where we were educated etc. Toward the end of our group conversations, Mr. GQ decided to ask me why I had decided to live on the other side of the bridge. Being the honest person I am, I disclosed how I had come to live so far away from the soft lit metropolitan atmosphere we now enjoyed, briefly stating that I had a little one and was at the beginning of the end of my marriage. Yep, word vomit. I tend to be cursed with an over abundance of wanting to talk to anyone that will listen...

Waiting for his jaw to drop, I gave him a minute to absorb the information that had shocked many of my friends. I had also noticed the look on my friend’s face out of the corner of my eye, as if she were waiting for the same thing I was. But Mr. GQ was smooth and he just sat there with a, “well that sucks” kind of look on his perfectly tan face and then taking the time to respond, he began to address each bit of information I had shared, beginning with a, “I’m sorry to hear that,” he stated in a sad, apologetic, but even tone. All in all it was a solid conversation about a very touche subject.

As the night moved on, we chatted a bit more, but it was definitely time to head home. He had been the first complete stranger I had opened up to and while it felt okay, this highly sensitive topic would stay dormant for a while longer until I could fully accept what the hell had transpired in the 12 months prior to this moment. During our goodbyes we did not exchange numbers and instead I handed my business card to him because somewhere in that conversation we had also talked shop and there was the possibility for a business relationship.

The next few days were business as usual. Mr. GQ had found me on a career networking site and was kind enough to thank me for the conversation. The next part of his message took me aback and I had to reread the message a couple of times. He had asked if I would be interested getting together casually sometime. Here I was thinking that I had scared him into never wanting to interact with me regardless of if it was for business or pleasure. Huh…. Guess my scare tactic failed. My next thought was that it was way too soon to entertain any relationship type interactions, so I decided to let this one sit and not respond immediately and by the end of the next week we had decided on lunch to discuss opportunities with my current company.

We only met up two times, both times focused on work, but we both knew that this could end up being something more… so of course, it was time to press pause.

Meanwhile, with my focus on our daughter and work, I had lost touch with how the separation was progressing. Paperwork had not been filed, so I sent him yet another email to ask him where the documents were and where we stood. This only further encouraged him to try and further communicate his sincerest apologies and regrets.

As previously stated, I had not let really anyone know where I was living. I wanted my privacy and the chance to heal. Over the next few weeks, the air was let out of my tires multiple times. Then I was unpleasantly greeted with a box on my vehicle one morning. No postage. On plain paper my name had been typed up along with my address and then taped to a box sitting on the windshield of my car. Odd, I thought to myself as I picked it up. I then opened the box and it contained two books. Both books were about forgiving your husband for infidelity and life after cheating. WTF, I thought..

I decided not to mention anything about the books and I took a picture (just in case, for evidence) and then threw them in the commercial size dumpster around the corner. A few days later, my ex asked me if I had received any packages in the mail, because one had been sent to the house and he forwarded it, saying that he did not know my address. I simply replied, “No, I don’t know what you are talking about.” Not more than a week after this conversation with my ex, I received another box on my car with the same typed up address, no postage and what was in the box you might ask? Oh you know, just the same books that I had thrown away 2 weeks prior, plus another one. This time I confronted him over the phone. He stated that it sounded like something one of our mutual friends would do. Wanting answers, I called that mutual friend and he reminded me that he did not know where I lived, but that it sounded like something that my ex would send.

Confronting him was pointless because from my point of view he thought that he could keep getting away with it, so not having the extra energy, I let him play his dumb harassing games. The deflating of the tires went on for months. If he wanted to be a crazy person, I was not going to let him reap enjoyment from his scare tactics, so I showed no emotion. Beginning to fray at the edges, I decided to plan a trip to visit family during the next holiday.

During the months that passed leading up to the pending holiday trip, I decided to spend more time in getting to know Mr. GQ and soon we had begun to officially date. Life was never dull at this point in time and while I had a lot to be happy about, the weight of the pending divorce was continuing to drag me down.

Finally, my ex lawyered up and sent papers. Mind you this was actually his third attorney. I didn't mention the second one because I believe she lasted for a whopping two weeks, which was basically just enough time for my ex to get some key details that he could later use against me.

Either way, I was ecstatic that we were making headway, just in time for my family vacation. The trip was only one week, but one that I needed to take to clear my mind. My parents stayed with me for a couple days and then we left on our travels together. I had some serious heart to hearts with many of my family members during this week, which ultimately led me down the path of obtaining my own attorney. With the backing of my family, I had the support I needed to move forward with my next plan, which was to make certain that my ex was not going to take advantage of me like he had all the years prior.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back….” – Paulo Coelho

I had made a decision and I was sticking to it. Not because I am stubborn, which I tend to be, but because for once in recent memory, it felt like the right decision. My life for the next few weeks consisted of subtle differences in each waking moment. These nuances were in everyday activities like sleeping by myself for the first time in what seemed like eternity, acting as a single parent, not running some of those everyday plans by someone who naturally would have cared to be a part of such activities. I felt lonely, but not as much as I had for that first year of trying to repress my loss of trust and all the anger I had held inside, while trying to maintain a “perfect family” façade.

Restarting my life began with a cute, but small apartment. It had a fabulous view of the cities’ skyline and a beautiful lake. If there was one place to start over, this was a great place to begin anew. Albeit small, this place was the perfect size. I wasn’t overwhelmed by too much space and it felt cozy in a sit by the fireplace and have a nice glass of red wine under a fur blanket kind of way.

Moving was relatively easy. My parents and a pair of my closest friends were there to help send me off on my new single household adventure. Believe it or not the challenging part wasn’t so much the being alone when our child was with him, the biggest challenge came from dealing with him and his struggle. Once I had left the house that we had shared leaving desolate rooms where furniture once filled the now empty spaces, it really set in that I had made my decision and it wasn’t to stay with him. There was no way that I could have known that he would take it as hard as he did.

Now in separate households, an amicable divorce was the goal. We started out harmoniously. Our child was able to have an equal share of time in each of our homes and more importantly was spending equal amounts of time with each of us. She was my main concern in all of this and still is my main focus. I have discovered over time that she has been more resilient then I could have ever imagined. She had some rough nights every now and then, which required some extra hugs and kisses that I was all too willing to give. For a few months we were able to maintain this plan and soon she was sleeping through the night without nightmares.

During this stage, I was dumping all of my extra time, not spent with my daughter, into my career. My role at the time was very focused on socializing and getting the brand out into the local market place. As you can imagine, socializing involved long days that often morphed into nights. Shaking hands with other folks in the industry and meeting new people. I was open to getting to know more about how I could connect these new folks to my ever expanding network or assisting them with a challenge if they were interested in sharing.

Soon the long work days and even longer nights with the phone calls from him at all hours of the night pleading with me to come “home”, were starting to make me feel despondent. There were text messages that were pages long. The emails were the same as the text messages. This would continue for over six months. They were mainly angry texts that would morph into vulnerable and then back to angry. He called me selfish in one text and then in one a few minutes later he would say that his life had no meaning without me in it. I asked him to stop multiple times. In the beginning, I pleaded with him in person to stop, without success and gave up. I began to ignore him and turned a blind eye to his actions. I had given him the divorce papers and parenting plans to review and asked him to come back to me with suggestions, feedback, comments, anything really… He never responded.

Finally, I was able to get him to agree to see an attorney known for resolving amicable cases. While our amicability was beginning to fray, I wanted nothing more than to settle and move on. I didn’t want the house or more than my fair share of time with our daughter. Moving on would lead me to the path of healing and I so desperately wanted to rebuild the pieces of me that had been fragmented. However, when we began to discuss the separation of time with our daughter, his need for control became more pronounced. I guess I had not really noticed it before that point in time sitting in the attorney’s office with beautiful leather chairs and a big mahogany desk cluttered with I don’t know how many other amicable cases, but ours would not be joining them. That moment it became crystal clear to me that no matter how even I wanted things to be split, he would always want more. He was incessantly trying to get the upper hand even at his own expense and that of our daughters.

We walked out with no resolution and I was mentally preparing myself for a time-consuming battle. I figured he may come around with some time, but instead of becoming further discouraged, I pacified my anger with work and more events. Soon I made many friends and was encouraging old friends to join in the networking. It was a good use of my free time and thoroughly kept me distracted.

On a sunny Thursday evening, I had been roped into attending an event as a guest of a local chamber of commerce on behalf of one of my more senior coworkers. It was in a neighboring city, so not the closest drive. Given the need for a copilot, I managed to persuade one of my good friends into joining; maybe it was the great appetizers and free liquid libations that I raved to her about... The location was amazing! It was a rooftop deck, on a nice early summer evening. The crowd was all a buzz and chatty, making it all the more enjoyable. Observing the crowd as I sipped on my champagne, I had a moment, or three, where I made eye contact with him. He was attractive, looked to be about the same height as me, fashionable enough not to be a hide-in-your-basement all day developer, yet not too over the top, but perhaps out of a GQ magazine. I thought about conversing with him eventually, but life was complicated and I had no interest in muddying my life any further. As I analyzed my mess of a life a bit more, it dawned on me that I had major baggage. This was not just your cutesy little carry on for one pair of shoes, your jeans and a t-shirt suitcase… Oh no, we’re talkin’ over the weight limit by a lot and the agent is standing there looking at you with her stink eye and then slams that bright orange sticker that says “heavy, get help to lift” on your bag. Yeah, I had some items to organize before talking to attractive singletons.

Feeling a bit over the super social scene, I wanted to go grab a drink with my friend and then head home. Oh plans… why do we make them? Standing there next to the valet station, waiting for my car, my girlfriend and I chatted a bit about the various people we met and then out of nowhere, well maybe out of the restaurant doors, Mr. GQ appeared with his friend. Sauntering over, they both just stood there for a brief moment before making introductions. Our valet was taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r. We began to converse a bit more and they both seemed nice enough, but I had a game plan in my mind and it was to wind down and decompress. As we were getting into the car, they asked quickly if we wanted to join them for a drink a few blocks over at a quaint Irish Pub. She said, “It’s early. Whatever”, to which my response was, “what the hell. See you guys in a few minutes.”

Present day: I am at another point in my life where I need to make a monumental decision that affects not only my life, but my child’s life. I don’t think the “weight of the world on my shoulders” is an accurate description of the monumental pressure and stress that I feel. I know that I am capable of making the right decisions and I continue to do so, but they are not the easiest routes to take.

Going back to paths taken, I was at that place in my life where I did not know the right answer to my dilemma. This was a dark place and path that I had stumbled upon. Beginning to wonder how I could have missed the signs and how I could have prevented what has transpired. Nothing about our relationship had been particularly challenging, in fact, it was simple and easy. Deep in thought of what I did to deserve this and what we would do with our child and how we would tell this story at a later date, he walked through the door. I had proof, the pictures, sitting on my open laptop. How would he explain these? Most were just images of them together out doing normal activities that you could do with a friend and not necessarily with a significant other, but then there were some pictures that I would definitely not be taking with any of my friends or that my friends would be taking of me. Let’s just say, there was more than enough skin showing to suggest that this was more than a friendship and definitely backed up what she had described. This is why a picture is deemed worth a thousand words or in this case the jolt of a lifetime and not in a good way.

When asked my dozen or so questions, surprisingly composed, his answers didn’t satisfy me. “We’re just friends now and once dated.” “Those pictures aren’t recent.” “She just wants to break us apart so that she can have me back.” And the explanations went on like this for a few minutes. I could have accepted some of the explanations if it had not been for a few facts that I had discovered. Some were minor facts, but they made a huge difference to me: 1. In one picture, he was wearing some clothing that I bought him. 2. His hairstyle in some of the pictures was a hairstyle that he did not wear until we were together. 3. Her hairstyle had changed a few times, color, cut, etc. To me this signified that he had been seeing her for quite a while.  Confronted with the few facts that I knew, he began to change his story; little did I know this would be the beginning of many story variations. Despite the above, he wanted to seek therapy, both individual and marital and I agreed to it for the simple fact that we had a family and marriage is something that I wanted to fight for and was willing to. I went against my typical response to call my mom and ask for her input. Simply stated, I needed to get my feet under me and gather my thoughts. As I sit here now and put pen to paper, I still shake with anger revisiting happenings passed.

Needless to say, after just four months of therapy, I asked for a divorce. He had made an attempt at apologizing to close friends and family, but insisted keeping the whole ordeal quiet, which I respected at the time. In retrospect, it was a self-preserving move for him, because he is one that is focused on how others view him and his vanity was more important than preserving his family. The apologies to friends and family were quickly thrown back in my face when he changed his story and tried to tell them that he had stopped seeing her before we were married or made some other excuse to justify his double life. In response to my request for a divorce, he cried and manipulated me into trying a few more months, about 10 months in total. After a couple months of approaching the same fork in the road with my individual therapist, she told me I needed to decide and that would be the only way that I could then move on, figuratively speaking. By the end of June, I had checked out.

I have always thought of myself as a considerably well-rounded, strong person - mentally, emotionally and physically (well maybe back in my collegiate Track and Field days)....My parents raised me to be tolerant, have patience (I often failed this lesson), to love everyone for who they are, to be respectful and they prepared me for everything that they could have anticipated I would face out here in the "real world". Whether they taught me directly through lessons or I gleaned knowledge by way of my own curious observations, I do not believe anything could have prepared me for what I have endured over the last 3 years. This will be first time that I have put "pen to paper" and written about the extreme mental, emotional and physical challenges faced as of late. Unfortunately, this was not a challenge that my parents could have taught me about. This is one that requires you to experience it in order to fully understand, not only your role, but the role of the world around you.

Before I open the flood gates, I want to be sure to thank all of those who I have allowed into my traumatic world and have gracefully stood by me in my darkest of days, when it would have been a lot easier to walk away. You all are more than just my friends, you are my family and one of very many reasons I continue to keep on keepin' on.

She was eye-catching and yet average looking at the same time. I had no idea who she was or why she had written me such a long letter via Facebook. The subject of the Facebook letter alone would make any wife/significant other do a double take. This 5 page letter, when printed out, contained details that were mind blowing and left me utterly speechless (if you know me, this is difficult to achieve). Taking a deep breath and hoping that this woman had sent me this letter mistakenly, I walked over to a friend’s desk to get a second opinion. As she read and reread this bomb that sat in my Facebook account, shock was beginning to set in and then she stated, “Ask her for proof”. Kicking me out of my shocked stupor, I thought, “proof?” Meaning pictures, receipts, text messages, and the list just started pooling in my mind, like rushing water in a plugged tub. What proof would she provide, if she had any? Should I ask, for fear of receiving the damning proof that I cannot un-see? If she does have proof, what will I do with it? All of these questions among so many more were swirling around my quickly dizzying head. Inhaling sharply, I decided to write her a quick reply simply asking for proof. In the meantime, not being one to just twiddle my thumbs, I called him to ask if he knew who she was. I did not know what I would say, nor what I would do when I heard him answer. I just wanted to talk to him. My call went unanswered and straight to voice mail. The anticipation was unbearable. When he did answer and I was able to ask the question eating away at my everything, he simply denied knowing anyone by her name, not having any more to say, I told him we would chat later about the odd letter I had received. Around that same time, I had a doctor’s appointment, just a regular check up with my family doctor who I had known for a few years and had developed a solid friendship with. I did not want to say anything about what had transpired in the hour leading up to my check up and did not mention a peep. The problem with severe stress and going to see a doctor who knows my body probably better than I do, was that my blood pressure was like a neon sign displaying every emotion and feeling I was trying to suppress. My blood pressure was so high that my doctor rushed into the room following the nurses’ call. I could have easily passed for a severely overweight, unhealthy, chain smoking male on paper according to the chart notes. Breaking down from pure shock, my doctor began to comfort and consoled me as I let the biggest crocodile tears roll down my cheeks. I was at a complete loss of words and yet had so many thoughts running through my mind. An hour and thirty minutes later, I picked myself up and headed home. The pictures were in my inbox not too long after getting home and her story appeared to have legs and they were walking through my front door…