words claiming insight.

Isn’t it funny how one person’s problem can culminate a ripple effect across a community?

It’s even more interesting when you oversee 754 people’s problems and none of them align.

More on the importance of sticking to recommended ratios for educational concerns, professional support staff especially, when my brain is not mushy.

When you don’t feel like your goals make meaning or are part of something larger, it is hard to motivate yourself to attain them.

Know that each goal you create and take steps towards achieving creates a ripple effect in the waves of the world.

2019. In the midst of the beginning, again. With each new year comes new trials, new reflections, new challenges, new traumas.

This year seems to be one of transitioning. Transitioning into peace, action, love, care, family, and mindset. I’m taking this year of transition so literally, that I decided to transition myself back into the art of writing. For better or for worse, sharing these thoughts through a “journal”- definitely not blog - only help release the tension I feel in my head at the end of each day. 

I went to coffee with a friend over the weekend who re-inspired me, after the many friends before who have inspired me before, to write. Write daily. Write freely, truthfully and full of questions. If not for anyone else, then for me, to remember life: the happenings, the transitions. 

The biggest transition as of late: my decision to decline my acceptance into Teach for America.

Earlier, while procrastinating by researching, I stumbled across a blog full of writing prompts for adults. One of the prompts read “what was your childhood dream job?” Instantly, my mind flickered back to my second grade classroom. I distinctly remember the yellow glow of the room. I’m not sure if the walls were yellow, but it felt yellow. It was here I harnessed my passion for education, for learning. I knew I was going to be a teacher when I grew up. If not because it was one of the only things I’d ever known, then for the sole reason that I would be able to decorate my desk with whatever I wanted. 

As I grew older, I knew an educator is still what I wanted to be, despite some fluctuating thoughts here and there. However, I knew that my type of educator, was not the teacher we all knew and loved so well. In my college days, that education was the antithesis of how I wanted my life to continue. I wanted freedom, challenges, inquiry, innovation, humility, humanness. I wanted love and relationship with the people with whom I spent most, if not all, of my time. I wanted difference, change, importance.

I veered down quite a few paths, ultimately leading me into the role of School Counselor in a public school system somewhere in North Carolina. Now, I have even more than my own desk, I have my own office, decorated exactly the way I want... with windows. 

However, I find myself stuck. Not stuck in the literal sense, because I was just offered the opportunity to stick myself somewhere else. I feel stuck in the way gum sticks to the bottom of your shoe. You step in it and if you notice in time you can scrape of the wad of someone’s chewed up sugar fix. If you don’t you’re left with the remains of someone else’s saliva teeth marks glued to the bottom of shoe until you walk so many miles it fades away, becoming a distant memory. This is what it feels like to be a cog in the public education system machine. It sounds dramatic, I know, but if it weren’t for the very real children I work with on a daily basis, I would scrape that shit off my shoe and keep on walking.

August 13, 2015

What is your favorite thing to do on a Saturday morning?

This is actually a really hard question. First because every morning has been a Saturday morning for the past five weeks. Second because I actually really don’t know. It’s not that I do nothing, because I do stuff but it seems to just be things that calmly pass a Saturday morning by. I enjoy sleeping in after a usual week of waking up mighty early. I enjoy breakfasts cooked by the person with whom I share the house. Sometimes I enjoy my own breakfast, cup of coffee and the news via radio via the computer. Sometimes I enjoy reading or school work. I enjoy walks with Guapo and Farmers Markets in Monroe.

What I need to do more of on my Saturday mornings are things that are active. Often, I let time that is unfilled with structure pass me by passively. I do things to occupy my mind instead of things that I can actively engage myself into. This isn’t new by any means. My childhood years were filled to the brim of things to do. I was lucky to find a free Saturday morning where I didn’t have to be somewhere at some time. Fear of freedom is what Paulo Freire calls it, the fear of time and freedom and space to do whatever it is you want when you are not required to be doing something else by someone else who isn’t you. It requires self motivation, dedication and a great sense of diligence, independence and determination to keep doing the things that you want to do, instead of only doing the things you have to do and then taking a break from living when you’re all done. It consumes our world of endless time which often feels as though there is no time at all. Overcoming this fear of freedom is critical to maintaining who we are, who we want to be in a world that is constantly molding us, shaping us into what it wants us to be, what it tells us to be all the while diminishing what we could be, if only we had the time.

Saturday morning can be filled with laughter, they can be filled with tears, they can be filled with conversation, with frustration, with waffles and whipped cream, with bacon and eggs, with sunshine or rain, with books or screen time, always filled with coffee and company, with walks, with time on the porch, with long car rides, with short car rides, with errands, with runs, with hikes, with music, with silence, with thoughts, with a quiet mind, with meditation, with rumination, with school work, with mental work, with self work, with self pity, with smiles, with hope, with reflections of nighttime dreams, with sadness, with songs sung badly. Saturday morning can be filled with anything, so long as you choose the contents.

August 12, 2015

What is your resolution for tomorrow?

First, my resolution of today is making this a habit again. We will see how it goes. It’s like any other life practice really, you start it, you get busy, your living, you stop it, you forget about it, then one day you’re like oh shit, I forgot I was supposed to be doing that thing. Even when that thing provides you with some sort of necessary outlet to keep sanity in check. It doesn’t matter, life always seems to get in the way, no matter how small life’s obstacles may be that day.

For tomorrow’s resolution: After quite a dramatic chat with Ben today about my feelings of frustration over reality and the melancholy anti-dramatic reality that can sometimes be life (like, even if it’s only 2 days in row, that anti-climactic shit really drives me nuts... again, I blame Disney) I plan to take his advice for attempting to see the world through a different perspective than I have in the past couple weeks. After confessing my love and need for the new, fun and exciting parts of life, he proceeded to reiterate the smallest bits beauty that life is. 

Every day is something new. You may be walking into the same old apartment, full of the same old shit, but the way the light reflects into the room is new, the way the dust settles in a corner is new. Imagine walking outside and viewing everything you see as though you are seeing it for the first time, because you probably are. There is no way you have seen every leaf on a tree, or every flower, or every cloud or every inch of sky. Those things are all new. Every day there is, there will be, something new.

Oh. Well. Didn’t I just win the lottery? So, taking the advice of my beloved partner, who is not so new, and made it clear to me that he will never always be new and fresh, eventually he will sag, grow fat and his butt will droop, but anyway (<3)... I will make my resolution for tomorrow to wake up and experience the newness that is the day. It is with hope this resolution will stick with me, even when the resolution itself is not new in my thoughts.

Wow, so much in my life has changed since I've written last. I apologize for not writing, to myself mostly, because I said that I would try and do this every day. Sometimes, life catches up with you and you forget to do all the things you said you were going to do. Which is an excuse, but I don't mean it to be. I mean it rather that I was preoccupied with so many other things that the thought of sitting and writing wasn't captivating as thoughts endlessly spun in my head about what my future holds.

1. I got a job! WHAT!? I was surely convinced that I had been pass up for the job opportunity I had set my sights on. A week later, I was granted with the opportunity to finally step foot on the journey of my career goal out that in that real wide world. I've been actively pursuing my career goals, and I think that's important to note, but there's a difference between reaching goals and gaining experience in the comfort of a place you know well, with people who know how you operate and where the time you spend there one day will come to an end. Although I am supposed to be currently working - my lovely background check has yet to be processed through the system >:O - I am eagerly awaiting the day I start this new position. Last week I was introduced to each of the classes in the 3-5 grade elementary school. My face lit up along side theirs' as they all welcomed me with bright eyes and wide smiles to their school. Ms. Santos (?!) they'll call me. HA! But, I do love it and I am so excited to start.

2. I moved! ... in with my boyfriend!... ?!?!?! Yup, we took the next big leap and we decided to co-habit under the same roof. It's only been 4 days and all is well so far. It surprisingly doesn't feel to different in terms of our relationship (although I'm sure this will change with time). Rather, it feels nice that I get to see him every day and when he comes home from work (because I'm currently doing the whole stay at home, no money, no active job life, yet: minus the evaluation report I am working on like crazy! but I do that from home... so...) he gets to cuddle with me and relax on the couch we cleaned up in the cozy home we've made for ourselves in the middle of shit hole Connecticut. :)

So, that's been a lot.

Today's questions is where do you find joy?

This question is an interesting one as I sit with my frustrations of not being able to work yet, having minimal funds and the anxiety and stress of anticipating what this move would be like, what it would mean and what it do; but despite all that, joy has been relatively easy to find lately. It's the little moments that count the most really.

On the swings- today I took Guapo for a long walk in the snow. But not the blinding, freezing blizzard snow. It was more like a snow-globe, gentle falling snow and it was beautiful. As Guap ran around the park like a cracked out nutcase, I got to peacefully swing (usually he barks and bites at your legs). This was necessary, relaxing and sent me into tranquility as I swung and listened to easy listening music on my cool new iPhone. -_-

In nature- what they say about spending time outdoors in really true. It brings you so much joy to stop and see what nature has to offer, even if snow droplets fly up your nose and cause the sensation of drowning from time to time.

Creating- both for myself and others. I worked on putting together Ben's christmas gift today, and it made me feel wonderful to illustrate through craft how much he means to me and how much I find myself respecting his passions.

Love- love and all of its intricacies, the goods, the bads, the laughs and the cries. They all bring me joy. Moving through life with someone who you know will always support you (in a really real way) is the best feeling ever, and sometimes the worst, but there's always a feeling of gratitude and appreciation.

What is my favorite brunch food?

I'm a bit unsure about this question, mainly because it is rarely I go out to brunch. If I do... it's breakfast. But today, is actually the perfect day for me to answer why brunch and its food group was extremely appropriate today.

I woke up around 10:30 ish after a night out with friends to celebrate the completion of my 24th year of life. Wooo... that's a big one huh? Now that I'm in my mid twenties, perhaps I'll take brunch a bit more seriously.

After some serious errands to run in the mid morning. Ben and I hit the madness of what Trader Joe's is on any Sunday to buy some brunch for ourselves... because we missed the normal breakfast time and were not teetering on a late lunch.

Finally, around 2, we were able to get ourselves squared away with wonderful homemade blueberry gluten free pancakes, eggs, bacon and hand whipped whipped cream. It was delicious and magical to say the least. That and anything will taste like a million bucks when the first time you're eating for the day is at 2 pm, you're hungover, you're a newly hatched 24-ling and you're quarter life crisis (the one of many) rises up to greet your young self.

So that was birthday brunch, the first brunch is some time, but an unforgettable one at that.

I felt an immense sense of gratitude for the people that were surrounding me. It grew more and more throughout the day as I realized I intentionally took my birthday off Facebook. The lack of HAPPY BIRTHDAY posts from hundreds of people, left me feeling as though the day was one like any other and that I truly got to spend it with the few (minus some) who perpetuate my life and keep me sane and love me even when I'm not. I felt what quality over quantity meant today and I was truly in awe and deep appreciation of those who are closet to me. Those who are family, those who are friends, and those who double as both.

What do I need to get done?

This answer could be answered for day length, week length, month length, year length, lifetime length; but, I think I'll focus on day length... or tomorrow, because today I got done everything I needed to get done.

Tomorrow is the dreaded day of the GREs. Yup, those standardized tests I said I would never take again, I have to take again. Why? I actually don't know because I don't think they really measure my intelligence level at all. I say this because over the past four months that I've been "studying" for these tests, I haven't gotten smarter nor have I gotten dumber but what I have realized is that amount of "stuff" I do not know.

I do not know the big words no one uses in every day life because I do not use these words in every day life. Is it good to know these words? Sure! Reading more, context clues, picking up new vocabulary just so you can know what things mean to be more informed, always a good thing. But when not knowing these big words has the capacity to get in the way of your future... I think that's a bit overkill. I, of course, will try my darndest to make sure this does not happen and I will suck it up and memorize what those big words mean or analyze them to the point of no return to guess what they mean, but does this make me less intelligent? No.

I do not know how to do math. I just don't. The idea behind it, the logic and the understanding of how it works my brain just doesn't comprehend. Now say I was given a math problem, I had ample amount of time to figure it out and I could solve it using every day knowledge, my creative brain and common sense (and markers and crayons and diagrams) then I could do it. Can I fit the answer that makes the most sense to me into the nearest 0.001? Probably not, and now people are going to judge my level of intelligence based off of the fact that I couldn't do that. I couldn't figure out the answer with the right equation in the right amount of time.

I can write. I do it often. And I've actually been doing well during the practice 30 minute argumentative and analytic writing sections. But when I'm not able to write about something I am passionate about or am forced to adhere to the certain standards of the test grader and their guidelines for what deems my thoughts and how they look on paper on a 1-5 scale, I'm not too thrilled about it.

Overall, I know life is one big game and there are moments where I will lose and there are moments where I will win. I also know that sometimes, or most times, in order to get ahead you have to mold yourself into that perfect playing piece so that you may play the game and reach the end, or what most call success.

I'm willing to play the game, I think. I think I'm ready to play it, I just nowhere during the time frame want to lose sight of the values I've held when I started. Someone once told me to hold on tight to the ideal world I one day hoped to see. He said, we as adults, are easily jaded and forget what our dreams were when we step into the world and realize just how cruel it is to get by. I see that now. I see that very clearly and that's scary. It leads me to wonder how many people have given up what they really wanted out of this short span we have to live because someone told them they had to in order to play the game relatively well. And that's the kicker, most of us never reach playing the game exceptionally well, which is unfortunate when you think about how much of ourselves we've put aside in order to even be considered as a pawn.

I'm not saying that people have no agency or with serious effort and intense commitment they can't get to where they want to go; but even then, it feels like you're still playing to please all of the people who run this game and are in control of it. Which is ironic, because we all control it and we all run it by playing it.

Anyway, the GREs.

Today's question was when was the last time you checked social media? But because I'm writing all of these posts on tumblr and because we live in 2014 where social media just appears on your screen without you even knowing how it got there- seriously that's a thing- I'm not even going to answer it. Because, honestly, we all know the last time I blacked out and typed facebook.com into my search bar instead of the other 3 things I really meant to type was less than a minute ago.

Anyway, yesterday's question was so much more thoughtful: What is your dream job today?

1. I really, really enjoy the aspect of this question that asks you to answer for this question today. It's a if it knows that my mind, and many other minds I've met, constantly jump from trying to fulfill one dream one day to a completely different, yet just as powerful, dream the next.

2. This was the perfect question because I had an interview today that started off my journey into walking the path of reaching that dream of a job I want today (and have wanted for so many years- it's the one I always go back to really... especially when becoming a travelling one woman wonder of the world, or a prima ballerina, or an astronaut doesn't work out).

My dream job today is to get my little self and my big behind into the public school system in whatever fashion that may take. 

My dream job in general is to work my way through this said school system until I can be a powerful, unique voice in the way our educational system is run, funded and seen by our country and the rest of this world.

But, I'll start with today- I had an interview for a Building Substitute- this position would require me to go into an elementary school every day and be the teacher that's missing or if there are no teachers missing that day just follow someone professional around and learn and absorb everything I possibly can from them.

I'll take it. I hope they give it to me.

This puts me on the path to reaching my end goal. And, like we all know, you have to start somewhere. I don't know... seems like a pretty good place to start for me. I would get to experience every day life in school, I would get to learn what it's like being in classrooms of all different genre and I would be able to put both my teaching/ education skills and my love for children skills into practice. I would then get to learn all that I possibly can from the people who have more than likely started right where I'm standing.

If I don't get it, which is totally a possibility because I am one person looking for one job and this is my first interview out of a college for a job in which I intend to make a career, that's ok. Regardless, I still felt really awesome about the way I felt during that interview with four other people. Four people who have been in and out of the school system already (well, 3, one was about my age and had been working there for about a year). I think this tells me something about how I just might fit into the trajectory to follow my dream job. Everything I said seemed to be taken pretty well, some questions were even followed with a, Ha! That's what we always try to do. This made me feel good because I have no formal training in all of the Common Core, Literacy, Individual, etc.,etc., things that teachers learn while in their late teens, early twenties. I stumbled into a career in education in a very non-traditional way and I'm excited to take that perspective it and apply it to the "norm". I think it'll work, if not now, at some point. And! If not here, then maybe somewhere else! I have another interview next week for a similar position.

I left feeling, like I'm sure many do, a bit nervous that I didn't answer the questions as completely as I could or that I should have said more things to connect with the interviewers more or I should have asked more questions (even though the question I asked was followed with, That was such a good question!"). At the end of the day though, I waved good bye, thanked them all and shook each of their hands, we all laughed and smiled together and they wished me a good day with warm energy.

With that, I'll see what happens.

And yes, I did immediately send a thank you follow-up email. That included a sentence about the project of the day the 5th graders were undertaking. I'm trying to be professional and play the game. I try so hard.

This question involves other people!

Namely, the last of my friend(s) I talked to.

We've got plenty of modes of communication these days, so let's go through them.

In person: the most common mode of communicating (I think) but the one that is often forgotten about and slightly scary to do to the stereotypical millennial, or so they say. This person was Olivia! My beloved roommate, partner and crime and wonderful friend. She and I made dinner in our 3x4 foot kitchen together, she offered me ice-cream because I NEEDED it, she finished our poster board project for class while I freaked out about job applications and then I made her tea. :)

Over the phone: Andre, my baby brother was the last friend I talked to on the phone. He helped me hack into my mother's phone account on att.com so that I could scrutinize how much my phone bill was and if I were due for an upgrade. He then told me, as I contemplated a life upgrade to a smarter phone than my flip phone, that I could probably get the iPhone 5c fo free. Nothing is free, so I'm curious.

Through text: My near and dear and lifelong friend Elicia. Who semi-religiously reads this <3 because I no longer do surveys. I texted her to thank her immensely for thinking or me and offering me a place to live through my tumultuous after college rocky hill life, but that moving back to my hometown was a no go for now.

Over Facebook: Avery! and my mom! Simultaneously, I was answering chats from them over the cool little wanna be AIM feature. Avery and I were talking about my plans for leaving the happy valley and the fact that I still have her sell-out tank top I borrowed for a sketch interview with a life insurance company. Needless to say, I won't need that tank top. My mom was graciously parading job posts at me she thought I'd be a great fit for.

Over Googledocs: Lily! A friend I haven't spoken to in quite some time, which is needless to say, as our first communication in months has been through a Google document we both happened to be filling out at the same time. She's a wonder from the organization I've worked with in the past. We were filling out wonderful alumni biography pages to get our Alumni Network updated and in contact with each other. A long needed process being facilitated by another wonder.

What am I obsessed with right now?

Right now I'm overly obsessed with job hunting. To the point where I have to give myself a time limit so I don't apply to all of the jobs out there, which in mind are a billion, but then when I think about it are close to zero. I'm not in the worst case scenario yet. But... yeah.

I'm also obsessed with all things fall. Mainly because it's fall, but also because it's the best time of year to enjoy fall things and that's a real treat, as it only comes once a year.

I think I'm becoming obsessed with trying to get my life together and balancing all of the things I have going for me, with the things I need to get done and all the while feeling like I'm doing nothing. (This mainly stems from a lot of the things I do, I don't get paid for, or paid very little... which is obnoxious, but part of the life path I guess.)

I'm also obsessed with the chocolate covered ginger bits I bought at Trader Joe's two weeks ago, which are now gone. And those coconut covered cashews.

More so, I'm obsessed with action. I'm obsessed with at least feeling like I'm doing all of these things to get me where I need to go so that I don't feel as though I am doing nothing and falling into a hole of despair.

I'm also obsessed with these questions, and the guilt I feel when I don't answer one every day, or to it's fullest potential... like this one.

But, at the same time, some of them are lame.

What do I need to vent about?

What a loaded and vague question this is. I think I need to vent about a lot of things. And then, in the same breathe, I don't think I need to vent about anything much.

The world, in which we all live, is a really fucked up place. Today, my roommate kindly reminded me of this fact when I walked into her room after work. She sat crying in her bed, surprised by her show of drastic emotion, she told me she was crying in her bed because she watching a baby get dug and pulled out of rubble in Syria. When we're talking rubble, we're talking DIRT, SAND and chunks of cement bricks. The best part about this video was the child was alive, shaken of course, but alive and miraculously appeared fine. The part of the video in which I could choke back my tears anymore was when he was halfway out, clinging and hugging the human closest too him. He just grabbed his hand and clung to it like any child would when searching for love, touch and care.

Now, as you know, I watch children for a living. This child, was so helpless, so innocent and the victim of war. Wars that we are no longer in tune too because the privilege of our American life allows us to be completely removed from such atrocities.

If I never wanted to think about what war looks like, what it feels like and what it sounds like, I never would. And that fact is the scariest thing when I think about the future of our humanity. We are so removed from the danger, hurt, sacrifice and tragedy these fights cause.

And all for what? You can throw a slew of words at me, but think about it sincerely... for what? Because we aren't all living the same way? Because we don't all believe in the same god? Because he has more money than she has more money than him? Because people said so?

I want to make extremely clear, that I understand the need for defense and military protection. Don't go thinking I would be ok if we didn't have the military to protect our backs when groups of extremists threaten to pulverize our nation because of the way we live. That's not ok, for anyone to do.

I see this problem as a world wide problem where every single player is at fault and every single player has some value to bring to the argument. Instead or arguing and violent acts of brutal dehumanization and killing though, why don't we learn to tolerate, accept even and then eventually understand those difference we all hold and do something with them. Imagine how culturally rich and beautiful the world would be if we could all practice and preach what we believe and live by with understanding and acceptance.

So I went on a week long hiatus from writing...because sometimes you need to. Also, because I went away, then was tired and had a billion other things to do and by the time I sat down in my bed at 10 pm the last thing I wanted to do was use any more brain power.

But, I'm back! And I'm starting fresh. I missed some good questions, but we'll have to leave those till next year.

Today's question: What song could be your self-portrait?

OH. Let me tell you what song could be my self-portrait. When I think of one of the 6783 trillion songs that exist.

Let's take it in increments of 5 years

1990-1995: My mother has videos of my baby self wiggling and giggling and using a scarf as prop dancing to the infamous 80s music I missed out on by 11 months. Namely this great one and anything by Madonna (both parents seem to be quite obsessed: one being a former aerobics instructor during the 80s and early 90s and one being obsessed with fitness and how Madonna's body at one time was like .07% body fat).

1995-2000: I became infatuated with Leonardo DiCaprio and the infamous, boy band, N*SYNC. NO, NOT Backstreet Boys, you crazy? My brother was obsessed with them, but fails to admit this now that he's 18. So, while I believed that every song Justin Timberlake sang from his sweet, precious, perfect, curly headed bleached tipped face was for me, I think the song I took on as my own was obviously, the one about God.

2000-2005: Ah, this is when the emo phase first started (it lasted well longer than these five years, but you know...). I got my first taste of the music that made me feel as thought ripping out my soul, screaming into the sky and crying uncontrollably was what life was all about. While I dabbled quite a bit into the music scene in these years, especially because of my obsession with dance and the onset of performing solos, the one band that has stuck with me through the years is, of course, Dashboard Confessional. While I resonate with every song they've ever sang, the one I always knew described my life and relationship with said boyfriend (whoever it was) at the time was this one about carving your heart out and how it takes a lonely girl to wish she'd never dreamt the dreams she dreamt at all.

2005-2010: The years spent obsessing over the Spill Canvas. Literally, I listened to this CD every morning before going to school. Which, for my high school friends who know, explains a lot of who I was back then and some of the parts I still carry with me today. It was a weird time, as high school always is. You're trying to figure yourself out while balancing being cool and also not caring with school, friends, romance and life. I won't lie when I say that after I found the CD case of a lifetime in my mom's moving stuff (which is unfortunately trapped in my boyfriend's car :( who will NOT sppreciate it as much as I do, obviously), I pop this CD in from time to time and sing a long... loudly. These Spill Canvas guys really took it home for me. I got to see them live at the Middle East in Cambridge, shit, I could have been in the band with the way I knew the words before they even sang them. I was so close to them on that stage- I'm still really proud of it- in case you couldn't tell. And because this time in my life was filled with the thought that every boy I dated during this time was THE ONE, this song really highlights my life and feelings that went along with it.

2010-2015: Well... we've come to now and my music has really changed a lot since then, and by a lot, I mean a little. I mean it went from the emo screamo shit to the more mature melancholy vibrations of Indie and Folk. Namely, City and Color and Damien Rice, as both men I would do a lot for to see live. I saw Dallas Green live in Northampton three years ago, it was magical. I tried to see Damien Rice this year in New York, his concert sold out in like 5 minutes because of his demigod status. Anyway a really great song to top of my self painted memoir of songs for the one that creates a self-portrait is this one by Dallas Green himself. Not only, did I find this freshman year of college and was like "oh my god, this is me, why can't a boy I love sing this to me and we can live in happy/sad fairy land together," this HAPPENED. A boy I loved did sing this to me, in the back of a car, with a guitar he'd bought to learn this song. My life is a joke.

Today I made ___.

Today I made a baby giggle uncontrollably, I made a cafe date with a long time friend, I made sure to stop and say hello to some animals, I made progress, I made thoughts, I made connections, I made friends, I made art. Today I made a mistake.

It wasn't a big mistake, it wasn't really a little mistake, it was probably a mistake the average person wouldn't even stop to think about. What's not average is a mind that works in overtime, a mind that tends to be ruled by its emotions instead of logic and reasoning. A mind that wraps around itself so many times it becomes unsure how to find its way out of the mess it has created, solely on its own.

Today I was selfish. A common occurrence for almost everyone living in the world, right now. Selfishness gets us places, gives us what we want, propels us forward in front of others and helps us climb whatever ladders of achievement we find ourselves at the bottom of. Selfishness makes the world go round as some propel themselves to the forefront by stepping on the others below them. Selfishness makes us cling to our ability to be ourselves and to deem every other person, other, not knowing, not me.

Selfishness kills, destroys and hurts. But selfishness also creates, makes progress and nurtures. Selfishness is a tricky thing, so is dealing with yourself.

There's a fine balance between needing something to create wholeness and needing something for the sake of needing. There's a difference in the two situations, the outcomes and the intention of each. There's a difference in the way our brain taps into the two, analyzes them and creates product. It creates a difference in you.

The mistake, not important. The outcome, the product, the feeling, the conversation, the intent, the rubble, all important.

When I say I was selfish, I mean to say I was trapped in my own mind. I gave meaning to things that meant nothing and searched for ways to pull myself up by pushing someone else down. 

There's an important lesson in the aftermath of a mistake. You are to learn from it, analyze it, store it in your memory so to uncover it when you are about to make the mistake again. This is easy for some, like sticking your finger in fire, harder for others, like realizing when you are about to offend someone with your blunt words, again. Not all mistakes were created equal, which is why some take lives to unlearn.

What's interesting about minds that fold in on themselves and mistakes is the magnitude in which you can make the same mistake, over and over and over again without being able to find the memory in the mess that would allow you to pull yourself out of your own creation of a chaos, take a step back and relive that memory before making a new one. An over analytical mind doesn't stop to pause for anyone, including itself, creating only more instances in which it will have to work harder, make more meanings, spray more apologies, bury more memories.

You can learn new ways to deal with the spiraling, you can learn new methods to cope with storing the same memory millions of times in hopes that it will bounce to your pre-frontal cortex before speaking, you can set goals for your mind and follow as it twists and turns to maybe find the end, or the beginning. But, you will get lost again. Maybe not day one, or day two or day 363, but one day you will find yourself in the middle of circles, spinning. You will not know how you got here, you will not know how to get yourself out and you will not even realize you are spinning, until you are selfish.

The selfishness causes everything to stop, fall and break as though gravity were shut off in the international space station. It all just stops. You are left to get up, step outside of the broken pieces and look at it, put it together, sweep it away, search for some meaning or untangle the mess. Or, you can stay sitting in the center of the circles watching them as they lie on the ground broken and shattered and cry about it, worry you will never see them spinning again and wait for someone else to crawl through the broken pieces to reach you, inevitably clouding the path you would have created for yourself. 

The scariest part is it's all up to you, in that moment, selfishness counts as a way to save yourself from someone else getting hurt from your chaos. It's a way to save you, so you may ward off the spinning of the circles for one more day longer than the last time you broke free of them.

This post has no happy ending, there is no ending. There is only moving and progression and hard work and determination and struggle and love.

It was inspired by the daily question and also, this piece and my resonation with it:

Now, for my infamous Monday 5 question post, because the weekends tend to consume me.

I've been in a highly introspective mood lately, mainly due to the fall weather and the daylight savings time darkness. So... sahrry.

On October 31, I celebrated Halloween, What were my Halloween plans? I didn't really have any except to spend it with the boyfrand. I had no idea what we'd be doing considering now that we're both in the adult working world, there's little sympathy fir celebrating the holiday at 20something years old. After a two hours drive, which should have been slightly longer than one, I arrived at said boyfriend's house to a room fully decorated with lights, a plastic table cloth with images of Casper the friendly ghost, plastic bugs crawling all over said table and a blow up Halloween monsters: Freddy, the skeleton and Buster, the ghost. Not only was the place decorated for Halloween, but to my surprised was equipped with festive activities, like a carving kit for TWO pumpkins and decorations to decorate the wonderful gluten-free cupcakes and homemade frosting he'd made for us. Is that not just the cutest? The best part about these decorations was that he saved them for future Halloween celebrations in the newly labeled, "Halloween Bag." :D

Moving on into November, the questions asked What was something I couldn't do today? I mean everyday I find that I can't do a lot of things. Namely, on this day I read this question and didn't want to answer it because I was annoyed. I'd rather not focus on the things I couldn't do on this day, but rather the things I accomplished despite any setbacks. There's been a lot going on in my life lately and there's been a lot of going on in the people I share my life with lives, so there's just a whole lot going on for everyone everywhere which inevitably makes things hard. But, we still get shit done with a smile and sometimes with tears. On this particular day, despite not being able to focus, I was able to do some practice math problem, which are barely practice because even the practice ones are too hard for me to handle O:). I was also able to have a wonderful time carving pumpkins. I carved mine into an owl, it was epic. Ben carved his into a turkey, it was also epic. We took a stroll with puppy through the farmlands (the only nature in the suburbs of CT) and spent some time to get in touch with our inner child spirits as we played on the swings. Later, we were able to enjoy coffee at an uppity cafe, a privilege not bestowed among many, all while being able to fight with each other without putting one another down. While we couldn't go through this day without having a fight, or colorful argument, we were able to unproductively share our emotions, then productively share our emotions and then continue to communicate and work with each other to talk through what was bothering us. It wasn't necessarily a fight between us, more an abundance of frustration, loss of control and not knowing a whole lot about a whole lot of things piled up into a shit show we like to call life. We were able to do so much this day, and for that I am grateful.

Sunday's question is a great one, but actually not really because it caused me to budget out my expenses and income for the next two weeks, which is good, but annoying. What's you biggest expense right now? I'll go with my car, considering myself and my mother have put thousands of dollars into it in the last six months and it's STILL fucking broken. That is so annoying. That, and rent, per usual. Like, why the fuck do cars do that? Also, what the fuck is an O2 sensor and why does it matter?

Anyway, the best question When is the last time you held a baby? I know he isn't a baby, but 15, almost 16 months is still a pretty fucking cute chubby wubby thing and EVERY DAY I get to do that which is amazing. A baby, baby? My favorite little second cousin, JJ, the most beautiful baby ever.

This questions is so open ended it hurts.

Are you able to tell when you have enough?

Have enough what? Enough food... yeah my stomach inflates to the size of fetus growing inside. Enough clothes... yeah my drawers don't close and I still have nothing to wear. Enough of enough... yeah I get really angry and tend to snap at little things that don't matter but seem immense in the moment.

Enough "things" and enough money is boring to talk about, but is probably what this questions is referring to. You can never have enough things because consumerism and therefore capitalism is all about inventing new things and selling new things and buying new things. So, if you knew that you had enough things, the economy would eventually slow down or stop and therefore end, which would also mean the end of capitalism and the end of money as we know it. So can we say we know we have enough stuff? Sure, but that will never stop us from not buying more.

How about enough love? This goes back to a previous post where I talk about this need for people in relationships, especially women (from my story sharing), to always want more, to always need more, to never stop and say hey, what I have might not be the most picture perfect thing ever imagined, but, it's pretty fucking good.

Sometimes it's really hard to tell when you have enough love, and that can make things really sad. It can also make things really great, when you realize you need more love, or when you realize the love you are receiving is the same as the love you are giving and therefore, enough and then some.

When we realize we aren't receiving enough love a lot of us tend to place blame on the person we don't believe we are receiving enough love from. Let's challenge this notion, shall we? If you've ever read Eric Fromm's The Art of Love (which I highly suggest you do) you'll notice he goes onto say a whole ton- a ton that could really help you out if you're convinced something is inherently wrong with you- about what the love you receive really says about the love you give. Essentially, everything you notice, observe, analyze, question and feel comes back to you and your contribution to any given situation.

For example, my partner and I spend a lot of time verbally harassing each other in jest. It is fun, witty, sarcastic and fits us as whole people to a tee; however, there are time when I find myself asking him, like a child, why he hates me (in that voice). What I really mean to say is "Amanda, why the fuck are so overly sensitive and take a joke that is obviously a joke to your heart and stab yourself with it?" Clearly, this comes back to me. I am an overly sensitive cry baby, always have been, I have elementary friends to prove it, who takes a whole lot of things way to personally. All of this ultimately comes out in a way where I sometimes think this person doesn't love me enough, which is SO wrong... because love is - which is for a different day.

Indoors or outside? For myself, I want to believe that I can take the adventure driven lifestyle of living in the wilderness, perhaps for weeks at a time. At one point, my ideal life style was to get up, relieve myself of everything I own and be a wanderer. I mean really... it's still a lifestyle choice I choose for myself now too.

Today's question: Camping or Hotel? strikes a chord as I figure out that life is really all about balance.

Camping

The Pros: 

- you get to connect with the mother nature, the mother earth and all that she has given to you

- you get to marvel at how ridiculous the universe in it's enormity really is (see previous post)

- you get to eat marshmallows, on sticks and drink beers out of cans

- you get to tell stories by fires, cook food with limited resources and smell of smoke endlessly

- you get to gaze up at a sky full of vast stars and contemplate about what it's all really about... or just admire the wonderful view

The Cons:

- you're definitely getting a mosquito bite, which definitely means you have triple eee, malaria, the west nile virus, of the fever that starts with a "c"

- you're sleeping on the ground, usually a cold one, maybe sometimes on a mat, that really only assists with warmth

- everything you brought with you is dirty. everything

- you've got to pee outside, and all you ladies know what I mean when I say sometimes, it's just not comfortable anymore to not have the toilet paper

-darkness, everything is dark and shit turns scary when there is no light

Hotel

The Pros:

- that oh so comfy bed, with the oh so comfy pillows and the oh so comfy blankets

- the mini fridge, you get to look at it... and if you're rich you get to drink from it!

- you don't really have to clean. I tend to keep my hotel rooms clean because I don't like to live in piles of shit, but you don't have to if you don't want to

- it's relaxing, a lot of things are done for you and you don't have to worry so much about things being out of place

- convenience - you can walk downstairs to the concierge desk, ask them for a toothbrush, toothpaste, a razor, etc. and they will give you one... for free - all in the name of comfort

The Cons:

- shit is expensive. period.

- sometimes you are able to hear the people next to you screaming, yelling, laughing, sneezing, going to the bathroom..., or their headboards

- there's a certain code of dress, behavior and speech in places like these, it's like you have to be someone

- you're inside a building, safe, warm and away from everything and anything you don't want to be around

- it's always carpeted.

Now, really, this question completely depends on who you are, what you want, where you're going and how you grew up. Me? I grew up in and out of hotels. Traveling for family reasons, hotels seemed to be a home away from home and because my mom had to tote my brother and I around... camping just wasn't an option... especially for an extended period of time.

On top of that, I grew up in a city. Camping? I did it one time with my friends from high school and consisted of a bunch of crazy teenagers running around in the woods drunk off our asses, screaming, being obnoxious, getting lost and falling asleep in the back of the cars we drove there instead of the tents we barely put together.

I can honestly say, other than the one birthday party in fourth grade, I'd never slept in a tent until this past summer when my partner and I went on a double date vacation to P-town. This was my first real experience with camping and it was amazing. The first night, I had a minor anxiety attack due to the darkness, the bug noises, the tight spaces and the polyester material of the tent. But the second night, what a dream. I got used to it and realized the only thing separating me from outdoors was the polyester lining of the very thin tent. 

Hotels cater to the convenience and extravagance of our culture, but don't get me wrong, they are definitely a needed factor in today's world. We need these little mini homes to house us, cater to us and clean up after us so we can go where we need to go.

The thing about deciding between these two is that I can't because each serves a specific purpose and each has a time and place to become your place of residency.

If I were to really choose, I think I'd go for the hoStel. What a great mix between camping and a hotel. It has all the amenities, some make it feel as though you're outside and you get to share whatever experience you're having with other people who are trying to share the experience too.