Beautiful Disaster

This is copied from my personal social media page. I can’t even describe what this has been like. Yes she is legally an adult. Yes she has a part time job and can do many things on her own. No she doesn’t look different. No she isn’t perfect.

Today, for the second time, I felt absolutely helpless as a mother. I’m sharing this information simply to bring awareness to a situation and hope that at least one person takes something from it. Anyone who knows B , knows that she is on the Autism spectrum but has made some great strides recently. She is working and earning her own money. She has conquered her fear of public places and people. She has really started to gain skills that she lacked. This was a child who feared even as much as going to a store with me. She wouldn’t answer a telephone or speak for herself at all. She’s come so far.

This afternoon we took a trip to Walmart. Nothing out of the ordinary as B enjoys spending the money she earns. She did her shopping and Sarah and I did ours. As I was checking out, B called my phone but I could see her a few feet away. I walked over and she told me that while using the self check out, she hadn’t realized something didn’t scan. At this point there was a few employees with her. She explained to me what had happened and asked the employee where she could go to pay. One employee proceeded to take her cart, while another said she needed to speak to B. B proceeded to walk with her while asking me if I would be with her. I said yes. At that point the woman turns around and says she just needs to speak to B at this time. I’m trying to explain that B should have someone accompany her, but that went unheard and they had my child in a tiny room alone. At this point I’m getting upset, knowing that she is not very capable of advocating for herself but she’s being treated like she committed a crime. I now ask for someone to get me a manager immediately so I can explain the situation and at least let them know that she may actually shut down or become extremely agitated and show physical signs of distress. An employee did ask a manager to come over and she explained my concerns. The manager smirked and walked away. At this point I received a text from B from inside the room telling me that they are calling the police. Perfect. She’s terrified but I tell her to not say anything except explain that she needs someone with her. A state trooper shows up and enters the closet like room that my child is being held in. A few minutes later he emerges with my child, who is now sobbing, shaking, hyperventilating and showing clear signs of being terrified. She tells me that we have to go to the police barracks. The officer asks if I can follow to the barracks. I stopped to explain to him the situation but of course agree. Upon hearing that B does in fact have different abilities, and that she is usually with us when shopping and assisted if needed, he asks us to hold on while he goes back into the “closet” to speak to whoever is inside. He emerges again and says to bring B with us and follow him to the barracks. We arrived there and he stated that he needs to make a phone call and he will be back. A few minutes later he comes out to explain the the called the DA himself and that nothing will be happening as it was simply an honest mistake.

The point of my post is this. I don’t think that anyone should be excused when committing a criminal act, or even being investigated for one. However, if someone is clearly trying to make you aware of someone’s situation, don’t ignore them. If you work with the public, educate yourself on disabilities and how to help those who may have one. My child was terrified. I’ve seen her in melt downs before, but nothing close to this. She was told she was going to be arrested and had no idea why because in her head she had just made a mistake in thinking everything scanned, which was ultimately the case. Things we have worked on for years are now setback who knows how far. Unnecessary trauma inflicted on someone when not necessary if they had simply allowed me to just be present with her. I didn’t need to speak. I wasn’t trying to make excuses for her mistake. She just needed someone there to try and keep her from the state we ended up in.

Today, for the second time, I felt absolutely helpless as a mother. I’m sharing this information simply to bring awareness to a situation and hope that at least one person takes something from it. Anyone who knows Brynn, knows that she is on the Autism spectrum but has made some great strides recently. She is working and earning her own money. She has conquered her fear of public places and people. She has really started to gain skills that she lacked. This was a child who feared even as much as going to a store with me. She wouldn’t answer a telephone or speak for herself at all. She’s come so far.

This afternoon we took a trip to Walmart. Nothing out of the ordinary as Brynn enjoys spending the money she earns. She did her shopping and Sarah and I did ours. As I was checking out, Brynn called my phone but I could see her a few feet away. I walked over and she told me that while using the self check out, she hadn’t realized something didn’t scan. At this point there was a few employees with her. She explained to me what had happened and asked the employee where she could go to pay. One employee proceeded to take her cart, while another said she needed to speak to Brynn. Brynn proceeded to walk with her while asking me if I would be with her. I said yes. At that point the woman turns around and says she just needs to speak to Brynn at this time. I’m trying to explain that Brynn should have someone accompany her, but that went unheard and they had my child in a tiny room alone. At this point I’m getting upset, knowing that she is not very capable of advocating for herself but she’s being treated like she committed a crime. I now ask for someone to get me a manager immediately so I can explain the situation and at least let them know that she may actually shut down or become extremely agitated and show physical signs of distress. An employee did ask a manager to come over and she explained my concerns. The manager smirked and walked away. At this point I received a text from Brynn from inside the room telling me that they are calling the police. Perfect. She’s terrified but I tell her to not say anything except explain that she needs someone with her. A state trooper shows up and enters the closet like room that my child is being held in. A few minutes later he emerges with my child, who is now sobbing, shaking, hyperventilating and showing clear signs of being terrified. She tells me that we have to go to the police barracks. The officer asks if I can follow to the barracks. I stopped to explain to him the situation but of course agree. Upon hearing that Brynn does in fact have different abilities, and that she is usually with us when shopping and assisted if needed, he asks us to hold on while he goes back into the “closet” to speak to whoever is inside. He emerges again and says to bring Brynn with us and follow him to the barracks. We arrived there and he stated that he needs to make a phone call and he will be back. A few minutes later he comes out to explain the the called the DA himself and that nothing will be happening as it was simply an honest mistake.

The point of my post is this. I don’t think that anyone should be excused when committing a criminal act, or even being investigated for one. However, if someone is clearly trying to make you aware of someone’s situation, don’t ignore them. If you work with the public, educate yourself on disabilities and how to help those who may have one. My child was terrified. I’ve seen her in melt downs before, but nothing close to this. She was told she was going to be arrested and had no idea why because in her head she had just made a mistake in thinking everything scanned. Things we have worked on for years are now setback who knows how far. Unnecessary trauma inflicted on someone when not necessary if they had simply allowed me to just be present with her. I didn’t need to speak. I wasn’t trying to make excuses for her mistake. She just needed someone there to try and keep her from the state we ended up in.

Who are we?

I’ve been extremely bothered by the recent events involving males vs females. I’ve struggled to collect my thoughts on this. Sit down and buckle up.

Imagine at 8 years old, being brutally violated by a man. You find the courage to tell someone. That man is found guilty yet somehow escapes jail time. That man makes it a day in the streets before being murdered. Imagine that 8 year old taking all of this in. Not knowing how to deal with the feelings, that 8 year old doesn’t know any other way except to shut down. For FIVE years, the child doesn’t speak. Not a single word. Imagine what that silence felt like. Silence only broken to reveal that she felt responsible for the death of her assailant. So guilt ridden that someone died because she told her story. Her truth. The world had no idea at the time that she was about to become a literary phenomenon. A hero to those who needed one. That was in 1934. Even in 1934 we were taught to be ashamed of being a victim.

Today, we are still made to feel like we can’t tell our stories. Who would have thought that a world that has evolved on so many levels would still hold us back? What are we teaching our children? My parenting approach has always been that my children need to be honest. No matter what happens, be honest. If we have honesty then we can work on the rest. I remember being about 8 and being honest with my story. I can’t imagine what my world would have been like if my family had doubted me. When someone is brave enough to tell that story, don’t ever stand in front of them and tell them you don’t believe. Don’t make excuses. Don’t doubt. Don’t ever make someone feel at fault for what someone else does to them, regardless of circumstances. A victim should never be victimized. Ever.

As a mother, I wouldn’t, couldn’t, and didn’t doubt my child telling their own story. Imaging taking a deep breath and blurting out the most terrifying events of your life, just to have someone say they “can’t believe” someone would do that. Imagine someone telling you that it “wasn’t meant the way you took it.” “He says things like that all the time.” Mmmm no. My daughters abuser walked away because of one question asked of me during testimony. “Had your child ever lied to you?” My response was “I can’t name a preteen who hasn’t lied at some point, but not about anything life changing.” At that point there was doubt in the mind of the judge. Was I supposed to lie and say I somehow got a miracle who has been absolutely 100% honest her entire life? That isn’t realistic at all.

What have we become? When a victim is forced to be repeatedly victimized because after telling their story they are forced to prove the truth. The burden of proof falls to the victim. In a backwards world we do damage over and over again.

Some days I just don’t get it. I get so many feels and don’t know what to do with them. Lately, it’s been that feeling of being unappreciated. I’m currently not working, as I was forced to resign after being at the hospital with my daughter for so long. I do the daily house stuff. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, all that fun shit. I don’t mind doing it BUT I’ve been really bothered by the fact that everyone watches me do it on the regular. Yesterday was my birthday. I was lucky enough to cook dinner and clean up afterwards while everyone else got to chill out on their phones and relax. I had a load of clothes in the dryer two days ago and mentioned they were there twice. I just retrieved that load and folded it because apparently it can’t walk itself out and do it. It’s frustrating. What is even more frustrating is someone asking me if I want help. I should welcome that, but in my mind I think it shouldn’t even be a question. I should not have to tell anyone that dishes need to be done. I’m not the only adult here. In fact the youngest in our home is 15. Everyone is clearly capable of pitching in with me. I’m often reminded that I don’t work. I guess I chose that when I chose to help my kid?? I couldn’t imagine what things would be like if I were gone daily and then still had to do all of this alone.