random thoughts and words

The far side of the world…

Where are you?

In the words you’ve never heard…

Where are you?

Here, there, everywhere…

The wind whispers your name.

I hone myself down to the bone.

I am perfect. I am stone.

Cold eyes reaching; white and bright.

I am forever. I am night.

Come adore me. I am here.

I am beauty. I am fear.

In the dark I light the spark.

I am pain.

Come and feel me.

I am fire.

like moving out

like graduating

like watching a building finally crumble to Ash after being on fire

for millennia

Letting you go felt like watching the water go down the drain

My tears mixing with the soap

And shampoo

Letting you go

Felt like dying

All my years of sickness evaporated

All my pain gone

All of you

Disappearing

It hurt

Crying in the work bathroom praying for my end

Wipe away the tears and paste on a smile

All i did was pretend

Couldnt acknowledge how fucking vile

What was happening to me every night was

Shaking on the side of your bed

Trying to gain control in harm to myself

Screaming words echo in my head

For every cut you inflicted I bled twice

Its been 2 years no contact and I still cry at night

I want to be better and want to not be angry

But its still out of spite

Our sigil burns in my mind and the A’s remain on my breast

And theres a throbbing in my lip still and an ache in my chest

I wish I could bury it and not acknowledge like everyone else

But all I know is feeling everything all at once

my very own mother 

she insists that her faults were only slight 

she tells me that i can’t possibly imagine 

how much worse she had it in the first 20 years of her life 

 well mom? 

do you think you can try imagining too? 

imagine the glimpse of terror in your three year old’s eyes 

when she gets in trouble for letting the cat out 

she gets shoved in a dog kennel and locked there 

by the woman you trusted to take care of her 

this is the first time she perceives herself outside of her body. 

imagine the tears rolling down her cheek 

as she hears the television running 

behind her godmother’s malicious laugh. 

imagine her at the same house a year later 

holding back her little sister’s hair when she pukes 

she is sleeping next to her even though she’s sick 

and trying to be a comfort to her 

because the adults don’t care enough 

to even let her stay home from her soccer match. 

imagine the deepest feeling of gloom and worthlessness 

that manifested physically in your six year old, 

at her brother’s second birthday party, 

 at your grandparents house. 

the man you sold our first house to wants her to follow him into the bathroom. 

her back is pinned to the sink so she is facing the rural-decorated wallpaper. 

he tells her, “it will be our little secret" 

he lets her walk out and she doesn’t cry,

not until she lays down in her bed.

that man she goes with for a torturous five years 

that secret she keeps for a decade. 

imagine the adrenaline in her body

when she has to call for help to get your husband, 

her dad, 

off the floor after he drank himself to his limit 

imagine the panic she feels when he tells her

"you’re the only reason i am alive" 

twelve year old housewife 

taking many trips to the garage 

to make sure he is still here 

mom, when YOU can try to imagine,

when you can comprehend how my livelihood was compromised 

and demolished in just 16 years, 

i will reconsider. 

until then, 

we fill the space with silent car rides 

and invalidation and accusation 

and violation and avoidance.

you can easily walk in my room without warning 

and i know exactly what mode to go into 

when i hear the sound of your keys jingling when you get home from work

imagine my emotions in that

I hope you revel In the pain you cause as my heart beats in the clutches of your claws

I hope you enjoy the fear in my eyes, the hate in my heart, as I wish for your demise.

all the pain you caused,

and realize cruelty is all

your love was.

I hope you hate

the person you’ve become,

cause you’re the kind of person

who never should’ve won.

I hope you look

back someday and see

how much you lost

As I lay slumped against my bed

In that dark, choked bedroom

My eyes were glued to where you were

My mind was fraying by the neuron

Did you feel joy thinking about me

As much as I felt lost thinking about you?

And confused and scared and angry

And sad and betrayed and cold and

I was draining, exsanguinating

Every beat of my heart bled me drier

My clothes were soaked, and there

I passed in a pool of my own blood

Now there is something missing

I am glad it is gone, truly, but

why didn't I have the choice?

Give it back, you son of a bitch.

I want to feel whole, if but briefly

Now there is something wrong with me

I didn't ask to become like this

Why can't I be a blank slate?

I no longer feel much towards you

But now I feel so much towards me

When I do what must be done

…

A blessing in disguise. Meaning the compromise? Trying to say it’s tough love. But feelings are shoved To the back burner forgotten, Connection rotten. Faking a smile, moving on, Never to be drawn Into each other’s energy, But it’s a sin for me, To protect my well-being, From poisoned words Masquerading as wisdom. Cycle continues in this Garbage system. Not knowing how to drop Living like a doorstop. Preventing damaged walls, But after all, The paper still peels, And reveals, Internal damage.

…