Ex-Ohio

psychological thriller: the man was LYING the whole time! me: i know

Google Maps should have its own “incognito mode” that shows you the least conspicuous route.

It’s not a Sunday unless you completely waste it and feel really sad around 8PM

i am a forehead kiss hoe…. give me all the forehead kisses in the world. come on. i’m ready. 

I’m not sure what “gluten” is, but apparently it’s what makes everything not taste like dog food.

business majors will do coke off your ass on saturday night and then pretend they don’t know you in your econ lecture on monday morning

fuck with a psych major then

psych majors will do lsd with you and tell you that they’ve never felt as connected to anyone as they do to you in that moment and then as soon as their trip ends they will spend the rest of your relationship disappointed because they know they’ll never feel as strongly about you sober as they did while on acid and when you take notice of that and comment that they seem to be growing distant they will psychoanalyze you and claim that you just think that because you have abandonment issues stemming from early childhood trauma

fuck with an art major then

art majors will nut on your back and hand you their paint rag to wipe it off with and then when you don’t return their calls the next day they’ll make a painting entitled Succubus. 2015 (oil and tears on canvas, 36" x 48")

Fuck with a film major

film majors will invite you over to “watch a movie and chill” and you’ll assume he means watch the first five minutes of something on netflix before getting distracted and banging but no. he has a french new wave film set up for the two of you to actually watch and you don’t understand french but he refuses to put on subtitles because he feels it undermines the artistic integrity of the work. when the movie is over he’ll undress you but not to have sex, just to “admire” your body. also he inexplicably smells like cigarettes even though he doesn’t smoke

i am so sorry for your unfortunate mishaps with multiple major fields

most of the ocean is unexplored because everyone agreed that we’d all sleep better at night if we dont know what the hell is down there