and we all pretended it was fine

and no hurt ever happened

and i wasnt devored by an obsession born from trauma

and i wasnt bleeding that day

and it was so good and incredible

deliriously good and so mundane at the same time

and i felt ah finally im past it

i conquered this, my body can handle the hurt now

i'm good, i'm finally good

how naive and how sad and pathetic

but his body was bending for me and i could handle it

so there was no shame right? if now i knew and if my body could handle it

all was good. nothing bad ever happened. it was me who was not good enough before

crying in the morning, crying at work, crying at night in bed

i can go on and it's fine and it's no big deal really

but i still think about it everyday

how it shaped my views on sex and how it put me on such a troubled path

and it makes me sad that i still think it was erotic and hot and scary and terrifying but i still felt liberated. i felt like a prey but i could feel the power imbalance, and there at least i could be a prey

it was bad but i felt more taken care of than i'd ever been, and he knew his strength and he knew me to be innocent and weak

and to this day i still crave that powerlessness

i want someone to tell me it's all gonna be okay

and bend me in ways that hurt and praise me for hurting

i want a body larger than life that feels like i need to tame it

and my own body finally feeling something worth feeling