pairing: college student!jungkook x f!reader
Summary: Jungkook was your High School Sweetheart, that turned sour. Although he wasn’t right for you… you still want him.
genre: angst, college au! ex’s to lovers
warning: mentions of toxic relationships and sex
a/n: hey.. how y’all doing.. besties i’ve been gone for, ahem, a long time. i missed y’all. in the time i’ve been gone there was a pandemic, i got engaged, moved homes and got my first dog with my fiancé! so, right now i’m posting for my own enjoyment but please let me know if you want me to continue this! it really does help me a lot!
Sweet honey dripped off his tongue as his sibilant whispers of gentle lies eased out of his mouth like second nature.
His fiction was your fantasy, everything you had wished and hoped for complete in all six feet of him, a narrative you knew all too well to be of fabrication was the life you both succumbed to. He would never let the words slip past his lips that he was beginning to fall out of love with you, as if he would ever say anything with diffidence, so you lived in deception. Your feelings, whatever they were or might be, lived in a box in your mind, so easily accessible yet just as easily haunting. You were your own ghost.
Your body lay under silk blankets, your legs tangled with your lover who laid bare before you. A sweet devil he was, indeed, his warmth for you didn’t come from his heart. He put his fulfillment in you not because he felt for you, but it was because his desire to feel you was the only thing that still tied him to you, again and again and again...
Although your — feelings — for one another were drawing soon to be obsolete, the safety and comfort in the tangled mess of your bodies entwined was enough to have you both come back.
‘My love... I’ll change for you.’
‘Tell me what I need to do to have you love me once more. I’ve shed enough tears to fill an ocean for you, I have fought wars in my mind for you, I have faced the devil himself. Say the word, and I’ll jump for you... and I’ll fly. Just watch me.’
“And even if it takes the rest of my life, I’ll love you right again. It’s only you. Please-... please, don’t leave me just yet. I won’t be able to handle this without you. Not now...”
He danced on the strings of your heart as these vulnerable words fell out of his mouth. He finally said... what he was feeling. Although it wasn’t directly to you, it was still just as reassuring.
Cold tears soaked the top of your head as he placed his warm lips on your forehead. A kiss.
“I never stopped loving you. Not for a second. Its just... ugh... how are you so strong? How are you still able to love me without fear?”
His voice wavered and cracked, cold arms securely pulling you closer to his chest.
‘My love, you think I’m strong? ...With no fear? Oh, I’m far from that.’
Answering that question wasn’t getting any easier, but lying and saying that you’re doing “just fine” was.
Two months has already passed since you broke up with your ex, Jungkook, and at the time it was way more than just perfectly rational, but hearing his name being mentioned every day made moving on that much more impossible.
Some days you would be so extremely relieved that it’s over, so glad that you don’t have to go through feeling like you weren’t important, so grateful now that you don’t have to feel like a second option anymore.
But, then you see him, or hear his name, or someone would walk past you wearing the same cologne you always bought for him, and it’s like all those nights of crying and feeling like you weren’t good enough for him never happened. You would see him smile, that damn smile, that always made your heart skip— and for a single second before you would feel hollow all over again, You would have hope that maybe he would come back and love you right.
He didn’t deserve it, but if he wanted to come back into your life, you would willingly let him stay just because you would rather have all the horrible pieces of him than not have him at all. That’s just how you were, you have a very forgiving soul, and forgive people that don’t deserve it.
It was pathetic— all the things you still felt for him was just so pathetic. He was an absolutely shit boyfriend, not just for refusing to mention to anyone that you were dating for the first half of the relationship because he, “loved you so much” and, “telling people would just get in the way of us being together,” or whatever dumbass excuse he would come up with whenever you would ask… he got mad over things that made no sense at all.
He just didn’t know how to let the minuscule things go. He was absolutely insane sometimes.
but goddamn, was the sex so good.
You would constantly remind yourself how much of an asshole he was when you would begin to miss him (more specifically: miss his dick), but even if you hated him, you couldn’t control your brain to stop thinking about him. It was just impossible.
You were currently laying down on your small bed in the even smaller space of your dorm, playing music quietly out loud as you flip through the pages of your sociology textbook.
Even though you were trying your hardest to pay attention, your eyes kept wandering towards your phone placed screen-side up on your desk. It has gone off multiple times over the course of 5 minutes, and you knew exactly who was texting you: your best friend, Tae. It was Saturday after all, so of course he had some wild thing planned for you two to do, but you already decided to stay in your room and study.
Being best friends with Taehyung was both a blessing and curse, his natural charismatic energy was something that you adored, but because of that same charm he attracted lots of attention. You were never one to want any sort of attention, whether it be good or bad, so you avoided most parties. Parties meant having to leave your sanctuary, your bed, and that was something you were never up for doing.
Hearing your phone buzz one last time finally made you cave and reach out for it, clicking it open to reveal the messages waiting for you.
party at my place tonight! oh wait i forgot- youd rather fall off a cliff than actually have fun
can u for ONCE be cool and come to a party with me dAmn it’s not torture
i will sneak into the girl dorms and drag you out the window if i have to
YOU CANT IGNORE ME FOREVER
He was right, you couldn’t ignore him, no matter how much you wanted to sometimes.
It seemed ridiculous, but.. why not? You deserve to go out and have fun, You just got out of a shitty relationship and also managed to make it through this semester without balding from stress, so- why not?
With an exhale, you glanced down at the outfit you were currently draped in; an oversized long-sleeve shirt with pajama pants. If you wanted to go, you desperately needed to do something about your appearance.
fine, i’ll be there. happy?
Music blasted so loud you could feel it shake under your feet, you were all packed into the living room like sardines. People were dancing and sloppily making out with strangers on couches, a classic sight to see at a college party. All the while you stood in the kitchen sipping only water out of a red solo cup, contemplating if coming here was even worth it.
Taking another sip your eyes began to wander, almost immediately halting.
There, against the dark wall, and although the room was dim, you can spot his smile anywhere. He was not just attractive, no, this boy was… divine.
“No, no no no no no…” Your head snapped around so quickly you thought for sure you would’ve given yourself whiplash, your heart feeling like it stopped beating.
‘Why is he here? Fuck. I haven’t seen him months. What am I supposed to do? What if he comes up to me? My God… I have to go, Tae will understand.’
Before you could comprehend what was happening, he was heading straight towards you.
Your body tensed, feeling like a statue. You couldn’t take your eyes off of him. You couldn’t move. You couldn’t breathe.
His gaze never left yours. He seemed to laugh to himself, as he pushed through people just to stand there before you.
Covered in black from his hair to his matching socks, he radiated a sense of danger. His hair was messily slicked back and tattoos were trailing up his arms and neck.
“So, were you just planning on staring at me all night?”
His voice was dripping in charm and a closer look into his caramel brown eyes, you started to feel like you were being hypnotized.
Noticing that you have been gazing at him for what seems like hours already, you turned your head away from him.
“Were you planning on doing the same?” Your comebacks were weak but you weren’t wrong, he was the one who seemed to be staring at you first.
“I’m hoping that maybe I can… or, I can do more.” He laughed, only about a forearms length between you.
“Jungkook, listen, I can’t do this. Seriously.” You put your cup down, pushing through him, trying to get anywhere else but here.
“Babe, come on. I said I was sorry a million times, it was a mistake. You know I love you and I don’t want to see you walk away.” He put a hand on your wrist, trying to pull you closer. You closed your eyes and exhaled.
“I’m not doing this here.”
“We don’t have to baby, we can go upstairs.” He pleaded, the grip he had on your wrist not loosening. “Honestly babe, I miss you. I miss us. These girls don’t mean anything to me like you do. You’re the only one I want.”
“I can’t do this to myself Jungkook,” Frustration was clear in your voice. You’ve heard this so, so many times the words had no meaning anymore. “I’m not your baby.”
“But you are,” He pulled you into him, bumping into each other’s chests. He never stopped looking at you, his eyes piercing into you. You knew if you looked up at him that you would be under his spell, that you would end up doing whatever he wanted you to, but you’re self control was getting weaker and weaker.
“Jungkook… What do you want from me?” You felt like melting into a puddle on the floor. You were gonna cave and you knew it. As much as you hated yourself for it, you wanted him even more.
