Honey

I didn’t think my mom was going to die.

I really wish I would die. Maybe my health will get bad and I can leave everything behind. I have problems that I can’t take care of. I just would like to not be alive anymore.

I am a good parent I’m not neglecting my kid and I would do anything for him.

You can tell how he acts with others that I’m a good parent. He shares, he can voice his feelings, he is polite and every time someone watches him they say he is the best.

This is too much to handle

All we do is fight

This isn’t the life I wanted

The only difference is he can leave and I can’t

So when I tell him to leave I’m just stating the obvious

She died and I had to move into her house and everything that can go wrong has.

The basement flooded now the floor is soaked so there is probably a leak somewhere.

I really just want to kms

I also have a d bag of a step dad that I have to deal with.

I haven't been home since Sunday. Almost a week now. I'm going crazy at her house. No one talks to me here. I feel so alone. Will this be my life if she does die?

I'm just not ready for any of this to happen. Why is this happening. My life has been hell and it just keeps piling up.

I know this has nothing to do with me this is just how life works. people die.

They are putting a benefit on for my mom.

They want me to do a small speech. I have bad anxiety talking in front of crowds. Also I kinda have a weird relationship with my mom.(who doesn't am i right) She has always been self centered and was not the best to me growing up. I understand she did the best but she could of done wayyyyy better. She never beat me but she defiantly hated my queerness. (she is better now) Also anytime I have tried to talk about my childhood with her. She always say im sorry i was such a horrible mom. THATS NOT WHAT I EVER SAID

i just want to have a conversation so she can see things from my eyes. Ill never have that. but now i have to say nice things about her.

Ill figure it out. or maybe ill say Hey thanks for coming finally my mom can have everything about her like she has always wanted.

We are on day 3 of staying at my moms while she is at the hospital. My sister has barely came out of her room. I brought her a milkshake and told her I'm here if she needs to talk. She just stared at me and said okay then shut her door.

Another night alone in a house that isn't mine. Sleeping on a couch.

I messaged a friend and tried to see if they wanted to grab a drink and she had plans and then she said we could talk about whats going on tomorrow. I told her I just felt alone. Left on delivered

I want friends. I want people to care about me. I don't know why I don't have people. I try to be friends with people, everyone is just so disconnected. I'm also awkward until I get use to people. (yay anxiety)

I just don't understand how people have friends.

I'll always be alone.

I was 15 when I got my cat.

I was not living with my mom at the time. I was actually living with my 23 year old boyfriend at the time. (a thing we can unpack a different day) The people that lived next to him had a litter of kittens and I took one. She was so cute. Her eyes were too big for her head, Mostly black and had a big orange spot on her forehead.

I eventually moved back in with my mom and snuck my cat in with me. Eventually my mom wondered why I was taking cat food in my room. It was too late for her to tell me I couldn't keep her.

Since then she has been by my side.

she would hang out with all of us when we would smoke. she always loved people. Everyone was her best friend. Even as I got older. The maintenance man would come to my apartment and she would be all over him.

She traveled with me. We moved to SC for a few years and back to MI.

She was with me through all my horrible relationships.

Always there when I needed her.

She would of been 16 this June.

She wasn't going to the bathroom anymore and wasn't eating. I knew it was time.

I never took my eyes off her. I didn't want her to be scared. I looked her in the eyes and just rubbed her head as she passed. I didn't want her to be scared or feel alone. I was there for her like she has always been for me.

The vet let me keep her whiskers so ill get a jar for them. I got to cut them myself and I was happy I could. It was an intimate thing for me. Her whiskers were always my favorite part of her. So long and she had one coming out of her forehead.

I promise i will get better at this.

i got a laptop so maybe ill post more?

My mom Isn't doing good at all. Her liver is failing.

I feel like I am drowning. Everything is getting heavier as time goes on. How am I suppose to be happy when so much bad is going on in my life. I'll just keep going forward.

I'm trying to be there for my siblings. I can't imagine how they feel. They are younger and still live with my mom. I get to escape the cancer when I'm away, but they come home to it everyday.

I am working on getting them in therapy, well one of them. I don't think my sister will go. It might make things worse if i try to make her go when she doesn't want to. My brother seems like he is willing. I hope he does. I want to be a good sister and be there for them, I think the age gap makes it hard for them to see me as their sibling.

I want to have a relationship with them more just in case things do go south and they end up having to live with me. I don't want to be a stranger to them. How do I connect to teenagers?

Maybe my mom will be fine. I really don't know anymore.

my first time celebrating imbolic. I have felt connected to paganism since I was in middle school. I’m finally take it serious again. Ice lantern me and my son

we had soup and apple honey cake.

I’ve finally realized I’m the problem

It’s not the men in my life it’s me

I’m in the healthiest relationship I have been in and I’m ruining it. I don’t think I’m capable of not destroying it.

We went out to eat and we were having a good time. I’m a talker so I’m just yapping away. Eventually I realize I’m the only one talking. I mentioned that we would never talk if I shut up. (Not the first time I have said it) I ruined our night without even a thought going on in my head.

He tells me I hurt his feelings

I start crying

We get home. I’m trying to do some craft stuff and ignore how I’m feeling. The feeling of how I ruin everything in my life.

I go in the room where he is and say “are you going to bed” he says something I can’t remember.

I go out in the living room and all hell breaks loose

He comes in yelling how he doesn’t talk because I never listen. He try’s to tell me about his hobbies and I ignore him. I tell him that’s not true and he tells me I’m gas lighting him.

(Is it gaslighting if I genuinely don’t remember this interaction)

He tells me he is leaving me.

What is my first response

Panic

I grab my favorite coffee and throw it down the hallway

It shatters everywhere

He tells me he can’t do this and is screaming at me

How I’m a different person everyday and he can’t do it anymore

The panic is bigger

I’m begging for him to not leave and I’m sorry

I don’t know why I acted that way

I do know why I acted that way

It would get a reaction

I don’t want him to leave

He wants to leave

I beg and beg

Just tell him to wait til he isn’t mad to leave

Don’t leave me when you are mad

Don’t leave

Why

Do

I

Do

This

Every

Time

Why do I act out and then panic

Every man before I have blamed for the relationship failing.

When I know it’s me.

We are fine

He isn’t leaving

I can’t imagine life without him

But I know he will end up leaving

They always do

Or I make them toxic to the point I have to leave

How shitty am I

How do I fix myself

I don’t want to be like this

But I can’t change

I’ve tried

Therapy

Meds

Here I am

Still the same old me

I wish I could just end it all

I fell down my stairs

I don’t think I’ve ever had a bruise this bad. I thought I was dying. Couldn’t move for a min and when I finally did I felt like I was going to pass out. I was almost late to work.

Today I was going to get a tattoo and my tire blew.

Here is my tattoo

Then Catherine O’Hara dies

She is my first celebrity death that I am sad about.

Schitts Creek is such a comfort show to me.

I strive to be Moria Rose and will continue to do so in her name.