whitewashed

I feel content. I have friends. I like my slightly cluttered room. I can buy my own wine. I can smoke weed in my bed. I think I’m ready for Chris to leave next semester. I don’t want to have him here as someone to fall back on every time I get lonely. This semester has been strange with him. A lot of times I felt like we were dating because I felt “in love” with him again. But a lot of times I felt like I’d rather be doing other things with other people. Like this past weekend. I wasn’t even with him the whole time, but I was with him for most of it. And I couldn’t wait for him to leave by Sunday. I don’t know. I just wanted my own space, to have my bed to myself, to enjoy my own company. Being in his room is terrible. It’s stale, confining, and it smells weird. I like watching movies with him and stuff but I’ve never relished my alone time as much as I have these past few weeks. I just don’t want him around me as much. Sometimes I still see all the bad things about him that I couldn’t stop thinking about over the summer. He is just so, so naive about the world. It just bothers me that he doesn’t know things I consider to be common knowledge. Like he didn’t know London was in England. Things like that. And he’s just mediocre at everything, which is maybe mean of me to say. But I feel like it’s true. He told me he’s always been “the smart one” among his friends which honestly made me laugh inside. That’s so mean, isn’t it. But there are just so many things that I can’t believe he doesn’t know. And he seems so aimless in life. That’s petty, maybe, since I often feel the same way. It’s just that I don’t feel a strong connection bewteeen us anymore. Like, sometimes we have great times together and I really feel like I felt while we were dating. But aside from those times, I don’t want to kiss him, I don’t want to cuddle, I don’t want to be affectionate. I just want to be his friend. I don’t want to say “I love you”. I don’t want to have sex. I just want to do my own thing. It’s time to move on when he leaves for Italy. I really think it’s time. 

Today I had another horrible mood swing and I got so upset about the fact that they still happen and that they're so stupid and debilitating and Why do I still have to put up with these nonsensical feelings? What did I do to deserve to feel this bad over nothing? I buried my face in Chris' chest and just cried and cried. But he made me feel better like he always does. He just held me while I cried and then he talked about how he thinks it's really special to be able to openly cry in front of someone, to be able to be at your most vulnerable while knowing that they will love you no matter what. That made me feel better. And then he made me laugh away my tears.

i hate being this way. i hate how crippling my mood swings can be. i hate being totally subject to my nonsensical emotions. i hate always needing reassurance from people, always needing praise and validation. i wish i could just be stable and reliable for once. i'm so awful. i'm such a mess in every way. i think i need Chris because he is stable and reliable (compared to me). and he actually puts up with me and loves me all the same! it's unbelievable. i can't stand myself.