Here We Go Again

This is our story, isn’t it?

Go ahead, put anything, said Tumblr.

Last month, I stopped keeping in all my stress to myself but now I'm having a hard time getting that balance between what I share/who I share to. Partly because I've always have had a habit of oversharing towards people who will listen so honestly when they come out, it never stops.

It's wild that sometimes I'm having a hard time opening up to my boyfriend. Maybe he doesn't see this (hopefully not before I open this up to him at least) but I feel like I'm uncomfortable sharing because I'm unsure about him being able to empathize because like me, my boyfriend is more of a talker than he is a listener. I end up opening up more to my workmates maybe because of shared trauma (sad that in 2017 I had vowed not to make work my entire personality trait, but here I am--my ex broke up with me in 2019 because of this and I thought I was getting better, now here I am again. lol)

But because my friends are not obligated to be the object of my trauma dumping, I cannot just do that to them when I feel like it. I feel bad that this is all I've been able to talk about in the last couple of weeks because this is the only thing in my mind right now since my brain does not want to function anymore because of overuse for work and the stress from overworking.

And even after conversing with my friend today, I just realized how angry I am internally. Like prior to taking on a more senior role with work and being responsible for other people, I was just some happy, optimistic, extroverted person who was honestly... a lot more fun to talk to and be around. Now I'm just a stressed bitch. Sometimes smart, sometimes insightful, but mostly stressed and resentful. And that's kind of sad.

Since starting my new job in 2019 you could say that my character development shot way up. I'm more confident in meetings, I take charge of processes a lot better, and I own my work the way I should have owned my business.

Also in 2019, maybe 2 months before my new job, I was faced with one of the harder things I've had to go through in my life. My dad going through hell with a triple bypass surgery, and at the same time possibly losing my job. Also back then was an emotional vampire of a friend who wanted to use me for her own career gains.

Emotional vampire in a way that I was bullied/forced/coerced to do things I wasn't given the freedom of choice to do and berated for maybe a million other things I didn't even do and I never even stood up to her. I walked away and prayed for karma to get her. And while it did, eventually. The same place that had nurtured me further into growing into the skilled worker than I am today took her in and put her threatening presence close to me. Thank god for working hybrid nowadays at least.

I guess when someone tries to do the same thing a second time around, that is where I had wiped my tears after crying the first time (usually just whining and complaining even though I'm practically drained off of arguing with her) and had been steadfast in my resolve to stand up to her.

Today as I forced myself to have the time, I am officially proud of myself to report someone who has taken a toll on my mental and psychological safety at work. I'm standing up to someone as a way to take care of myself because who else if not me right? I feel like this is such a milestone in terms of my climb to self love and acceptance.

I'm playing Pokemon right now but I wanted to also write this down while I'm in a raid LMAO

Because this year is a year of me not buying anything in excess, here's a list of experiences I want to have/classes I want to take for the year:

Getting better at climbing/bouldering

Being able to pull myself up at surfing

Hiking a mountain

Pole fitness/pole dancing

Heels class

More kpop dance classes

Pottery??? I want to but wanted to put everything more on the forefront than this

I don't even remember where the hell I put my 2022... even 2021 resolutions?? I really need to centralize my thoughts SOMEWHERE.

Anyway, 2022 was a year for career growth. COVID has definitely made me be more lax about my physical activity and unfortunately feeling my lungs get weak as an after effect of getting it in January has made my will to exercise better just as weak. My addiction to coffee, furthermore, has also overtaken my regular exercise schedule.

I will do better in 2023 though! 2022 gave me the big project of overhauling my room which means big expenditures on my end but I'm very grateful for so much opportunities at the end of the year that I've managed to get. I'd like to think karma found its way back to me after getting scammed as well.

I have managed to tick off a lot of my new years resolutions from the last one I've read, so hopefully it's the same this year!

Here are my 2023 Resolutions:

Save more. 2023 will be my no spend* year, where I will not spend on anything excessive that I already have. Meaning no spending on clothes, food, makeup, accessories that I don't already have. I will however, spend on experiences. Travel, eating out with friends (but sparingly), etc.

Go back to working out more regularly! I did lose a lot of that drive to be healthier and more physical after getting COVID, which is a shame because I started getting fat again. Which leads me to:

Love myself for whatever body, whatever skin, whatever hair I may have from the healthier choices I make. I've constantly expressed my displeasure of my own body, and I really think it's unfair of me to shit on myself just for enjoying food a lot more than I used to. I've been happy this year, but I've also had some very bad pitfalls. I think I deserve to enjoy a lot of it.

I will talk less, listen more, invest in people-less conversations. Working in silo for the last couple of years has driven me to be more in tune with getting immersed in the things I love--reading, watching and consuming media, working out. I also acknowledge that I've been toxic with how I deal with unfavorable people and maybe being excessive about the stories. I know going with the flow and "dropping bad energy" means focusing on myself and channeling my energy into the people who love, support, and care for me.