What is even happening.

The cousin is still working through their weekly video call. From September to July, she never did fly to meet the child she says she wants to parent. DSS has only seen them interact once for 15 mins over Zoom, two weeks ago, because I scheduled my monthly home visit to end at the time the video call started so the worker happened to be in my house when the call started. She didn't observe, she talked and tried to prompt the child (who doesn't need prompting) and then left feeling satisfied at her own participation. Last week we had to shift the timing of the video visit (my fault) and when I offered to log in past the 6yo's bedtime so they could talk after work, the cousin responded that she had to go to the grocery store before it closed after work so she couldn't talk and then didn't say more. She didn't set up a time until I reached out again the next morning.

She finishes work at 6pm. When I plugged her address into Google maps, I got 10+ grocery stores less than 15 mins away that close at 10pm, 11pm, and 12am.

It is tearing at my soul that this particular child needs a lot of attention, activity, and interaction to stay regulated and she is going to someone who just doesn't seem that interested. I am afraid she is going to spiral and they will think that's her baseline.

The grandmother is still there. I am guessing she is planning to raise the child and that as soon as DSS is out of the picture in 6 months, she will take her to a third state where the grandmother's cousins are. The grandmother was evicted from her apartment in my city in March and has been bouncing between her cousins and her niece since then with them paying for her flights (she mentions that every time she goes from place to place). The entire situation makes me so nervous. DSS isn't considering the patterns as long as the Physical Standards are met. Receiving State says Grandma can't be unsupervised with the child and Sending State is ignoring that the grandmother is living there because she says she's visiting...since March minus the handful of weeks they flew her to the cousins. But there are smoke alarms and a bed.

We have had back to back adventures every day in July with my nieces. Kayaking, canoing, going out in a friend's speedboat, hiking, swimming for 7 straight hours in the lake, jumping off the bridge we've jumped off every summer for decades and she's finally a strong enough swimmer to join, going to a local theme park, sparklers and fireworks, and plans for the drive in movie theater. I am trying to soak her magic in.

Tomorrow I will tell her she's leaving and we will sort through the toys, dress ups, dolls, books, and craft materials for the ones going with her so I can ship them and they will be there to greet her. We will have her last playdate with her best friend on Wednesday. The 6yo who lived with us for 15 months and then was in her kindergarten class and had constant sleepovers and playdates back and forth is away until after she leaves. They'll never see each other again.

SW: I need to know your name and birthday to book the flights.

Me: SW, that's in your system. You have a W9 for me.

SW: Yeah, yeah, I know. But is SuzieLou your first name?

Me: Birthday 1/1/01. First name Suzie. Middle name Lou. Last name Smith.

SW, doubtfully: Your name is SuzieLou Lou Smith?

Me: First name Suzie. Middle name Lou.

SW: SuzieLou...Suzie...Lou...OHHHHH.

Me: Do you want me to spell it to make sure it's correct on the booking?

His 6yo brother lasted 9-1! I was absolutely shocked. I sat outside the door for a full hour and when he lasted that long, they told me I could leave. At 1 they called and said he was fine, but definitely losing steam following directions and staying with the group. I picked him up and they said he can return (!!). Apparently he spent the entire morning shadowing his big brother. Whenever Big Brother took a turn, Little Brother went alongside him and did the exact same thing. Big Brother can be physically explosive to the point of harm and argumentative but never, ever to Little Brother. He is unfailingly kind, patient, and attentive, even when Little Brother is hurting him and he could easily throw him off.

At 12:00, the placement supervisor accidentally sent me a link to their daily 9am placement meeting. The email has 111 people on it, not BCCed, so now I have everyone's contact info. At 12:25, I still didn't have the link for the 12:30 meeting about the brothers so I drove to the office to pretend I thought it was in person and ask to meet with the director. As I was pulling in, I got a call asking why I wasn't in the meeting. She sent me the link and I logged in from their parking lot. 4 tiers of employees showed up. I explained my frustration that 3 full weeks of emergency care is ridiculous and that waiting for the Wednesday hearing which is likely to be postponed a 4th time and also isn't likely to result in the kids going to a parent with unstable housing is a fool's errand. They said there are no unrestricted homes in our office, they're not allowed to call foster parents from other offices so they sent out an email asking the other overworked offices to put these kids on their caseload which they don't have time for, and that they're still waiting for the intensive program parents to respond since Thursday when they already said they can't do the 9-1 summer school schedule. I asked if anyone has looked into other summer programing to make it possible. No. So what's the alternative? Split them into group homes, where they will destabilize and never leave because the behaviors will increase with peer models and no adult in a parenting role to connect with. Then I really got irritated and asked why we are bothering to say we are helping when we are imposing an entirely new kind of trauma, and is splitting the siblings and ruining their ability to form relationships for decades through attachment trauma and ruining their ability to access education due to increased behaviors from instability really better than preventing physical discipline?They all kind of shrugged.

When the worker dropped them off, she was near tears. She told her supervisor that after 3 weeks of overtime, she can't this week. She's so tired and so far behind on other cases that she's been begging for help with. The sup said there was nobody else to cover. The worker was supervising a visit for them so she could either walk out the door and leave them alone in a conference room, or drive them home. The worker said after the meeting, she was told to go inspect Dad's home one more time tomorrow and the plan is to reunify them on Wednesday before court when previously they were saying they'd let the judge order them home or split them and send them to group homes or hospitals. The worker has been asking to place them with Dad for 3 weeks and this same team has been stonewalling her. Suddenly it's the plan. She is so frustrated and exhausted . I keep telling her to let me make arguments and demands up the chain because I'm not worried about job security. We are asking the same questions, but I'm getting different answers.

Yesterday I cleaned it off the 6yo from above the waistband to the ankles. And another pair of shoes. And now he will be going back to pullups because even after three rounds of fresh soap and fresh washcloth washes, the smell remained on his skin. I have been using the hose to clean the clothing outside before washing but I have to run the load of laundry 2-3x on hot and extra-dirty with Oxyclean/Borax/vinegar in different loads to remove the smell.

I was told by the supervisor that my Thursday deadline (16 days after they arrived from removal) was enough to get them into a specialized placement. Thursday midday I was informed that the specialized placements require a "Meet and Greet" to see if the child is "a good fit." Fine. When is it? Not scheduled, because the families came back with a "list of demands" including summer childcare, and the kids' special education summer schools only go from 8a-1p for 6 weeks.

THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION. HOW ARE YOU JUST FINDING THIS OUT?!

So there is no specialized placement. They were never going there on Thursday because there was never a Meet and Greet scheduled. And there is an uncle in the next state over, but "an ICPC would take 3 months." It should take 3 months minus 16 days because WE KNOW THEY NEED SOMEWHERE. Did you start it? No. So what is the plan? Oh, they're going to wait until the Wednesday hearing and hope the judge orders the kids to the other parent, but DSS won't place with that parent because the parent doesn't have housing and can't manage the kids' special needs. When I said I think I'm done, the supervisor very passively told me she'd send the worker to get their suitcases and put them into separate hospitalization placements until Wednesday and if court is delayed again they would probably just stay there.

The foster parent who has the 4yo little brother told DSS over a week ago that she had a preplanned trip including flights with her 4 kids adopted from DSS. They left yesterday. DSS waited over a week until 4pm yesterday to start looking for a place for him. I can't take him because my car doesn't have a third row and none of the kids can sit in the front. DSS made calls until 9pm (including to me asking if I knew anyone for him - I had two other foster parents from two other offices networking) and then they placed this preschooler in a group home until she returns on Wednesday. When his brothers left the office, it took two workers to hold him back while he screamed for them. That happens every time.

That was after the planned visit from 1-5pm (to make up for last week's missed Friday) during which their parent paid attention to the two younger kids, so the oldest (diagnosed with emotional impairment) told the parent it's good that "the DSS" took him because didn't want to go home. The parent yelled at the worker for teaching him that and stormed out of the visit before 3pm. The kids were there until 5 anyway with **8** other kids needing placement and apparently they all ran riot around the offices while workers scolded them rather than taking them outside.

Both boys have medium length hair. The younger one arrived in a bucket hat that his hair was matted in the shape of and school reported that he never ever took it off. Both are VERY uncomfortable the entire time it's being washed, combed, parted, and braided. Lots of whining, huffing, writhing, screaming, grabbing at it, clawing at my shirt to try to pull out of the tub, etc. Both need it done about every 5 days due to the texture and because they play pretty rough outside and with lots of water play and the blunt ends blow out of the braids. The 7yo reports that when the barber did his hair he screamed the entire time and they held him down. At the two visits they've had, the parent has been suspicious about how the 6yo's hair is getting combed (!!) and braided because she has to "hold him down" to do anything to it. When the worker told me that, I asked for permission for a cut since everyone recognizes how uncomfortable it is for this autistic child with minimal verbal communication and sensory challenges. I know a phenomenal barber at a Black barber shop who welcomes kids with special needs walking distance from my house. We can leave the top longer and do a fade or undercut or something that makes him more comfortable - He's definitely not asking for it to be long. Culturally, short hair is typical. The parent says ABSOLUTELY NOT until the judge orders them home. So we continue to torture them to perform the parent's esthetic when the parent wasn't caring for it in the first place.

I signed them all up for gymnastics camp Mon-Wed on DSS's dime. I promised the director I will wait in the car (no parents in the lobby) for the first hour to get them to say yes. 6yo brother is going to last maybe 10 mins before he just takes off running and climbs something because he doesn't understand the concept of waiting his turn, participating in games, or matching a model and their ratios are about 1:10 for that age. 7yo might last an hour before he explodes at a direction. They aren't a special education program.

My resource worker (also a foster parent, in her 60s, knows her stuff) suggested demanding a meeting with management because every single person I walk to says this is "out of my control" and "management is involved." So whose control is it IN? I did, but felt foolish, because nobody reports to me and I don't actually know the processes. But I did and now I have a meeting with the ongoing and placement workers, two supervisors, two program managers, and the next level up of management on Monday. The kids' ongoing worker was thrilled at that because all the questions I'm asking are what she's asking and she's getting shut down, plus she is working crazy overtime picking these kids up from school and babysitting every single day ON TOP OF her other cases. She said she was with her supervisor when she received my email and she said with wide eyes, "Oh shoot, she got management. I guess we all have to talk about this."

The brothers will either go to their dad tomorrow (the hearing today was continued) or a higher level placement on Thursday. It's been doable and also a lot of needing to be intentional which takes a lot of brainpower and emotion.

I started back to work yesterday and on the way out my phone fell out of my pocket while crossing the street and got run over. It took a trip to the store, 24 hours without a phone, and 4.5 hours of continuous circular tech support to get the next one set up while feeding the kids dinner, washing/braiding the autistic little brother's hair while he whined (but no screaming) and swiveled (but not whipped) his head back and forth, and getting them to bed.

I went to LittleBit's 8th grade completion ceremony today at his invitation. He came to me in preschool and left at the end of third grade, so he has officially been there longer than he was here. He's at least 6'3". His sister was there too. She finished her first year of college and has a lot of maturing to do but is clawing her way through. Interacting with them is always good and also draining in a way I can't describe.

My hair is still coming out very, very steadily. I am covering it with hair fibers and colored root powder but there is barely enough to French braid, which is how I've been wearing it 24/7 since March to keep as much bare scalp covered as possible. Estimates say it will start growing back 4-6 weeks after the last treatment but at 5.5 weeks, nothing is showing up. I need it to last enough to pass me off as "looking like myself" through Friday at work.

This week has been soul-tiring.

Me: Lunch.

Big Brother 😒: But what iiiisss iiiitttt?

Me, recounting the fresh chocolate chip banana muffin breakfast I made from scratch that he eventually ate just fine 😶: Something terrible. You're going to hate it. You're going to smell it and gag and whine and refuse to eat it and say you'll wait until dinner time.

Big Brother, passively: Oh. Okay. Can I just try it?

Kids are crazy.

The brothers are still here. The legal timeline for the initial hearing to decide if they should even be in care is 72 hours. It has been postponed again to 15 days from removal. A friend had a baby whose 72 hour hearing pushed all the way back to 3 months. The judge said she shouldn't have been removed and sent her home the same day. All that panic and trauma with no recourse.

Amazingly, the 7 year old's diagnosed emotional impairment that earned him a spot in a special education classroom is not present at my home. He needs major support with ADLs, hygiene, manners, speech, and academics, and he is responding beautifully and without argument to direct teaching in all of those areas. The autistic 6 year old's iPad reported a weekly average of 3 hours and 46 mins per day on Monday morning when I plugged it in, and that included no use at my house from 5p-8a daily and nothing at all Sat/Sun. That means he was getting 4+ hours daily at school and with DSS. He has a severe communication delay and is totally disengaged with the world when he has it. I got the principal to say it shouldn't be at school and sent the iPad with the worker. DSS thinks unlimited unsupervised YouTube is reasonable so he can get it for the 1-2 hours he's with them between school and me getting home. As a result of not anticipating that it will be at my house because we didn't establish that habit, he plays with puzzles, toys, books, and the trampoline. He's interacting, repeating speech prompts, and using spontaneous unscripted phrases. He's learning to lay calmly to fall asleep in less than the original 2.5 hours and the bedtime stims are getting very noticably calmer and quieter. His tantrums are very few, all based on communicating frustration with a clear origin, and diffused by walking away until they burn out while he tries to gain back my attention by doing things like darting in front of me and then running away while looking over his shoulder to make direct eye contact so I'll chase him. He eventually realizes that the cause and effect has no effect and stops in under 5 minutes, usually under 1.

Actual food (not McDonald's and chocolate Ensure daily) that includes fruits and vegetables at every meal even when they whine - They give up easily and eat them quickly. And it's not expensive or time-consuming stuff - Bananas and frozen broccoli are cheap and fast. Consistent bedtime in a dark room without screens that allows them to wake naturally before school time when they've slept 10.5+ hours. Moving their bodies for several or all the hours of the day in free places around the city. Sunlight and fresh air. Not participating when they're trying to engage me in conflict. Conversation and explanation as part of directions. Accountability for their actions by making them follow through or leaving the environment/activity/interaction/item until they are ready. Teaching routines for things, places, and bodies over and over until they're muscle memory.

Part of me feels like I should withdraw my paperwork and send the 6yo. Let her settle this summer. Let her start the school year cleanly. Not drag this out for 4+ more months, during which the cousin will actually show up for weekly Zooms because DSS suggested it and is tracking it unlike the last 9 months.

The other part of me remembers what happened with LittleBit when he left after 4.5 years. He had a 2-year mental health crisis that I think will impact his ability to form relationships for the rest of his life. I'm still in touch. I ran into his sister a few weeks ago at the job I helped her get years ago. I'm going to his 8th grade completion ceremony at his request on Tuesday. The current parents spent hours and hours with us in person before he moved trying to get him comfortable. And watching him navigate the rupture in his primary relationship was literal torture for both of us, even though I know I couldn't parent him. It will impact forming and maintaining relationships for the rest of his life. A close friend who knows the 6yo very, very well predicts she will go from completely stabilized to a behavioral explosion. She's right. She also pointed out that even if I destroy this family relationship by going through the process, the child doesn't have a relationship with the cousin to begin with and Grandma will push past it to stay connected with the child. She has navigated almost this exact scenario but the aunt in another state didn't show up for video visits consistently. This relative will.

The Department has a "kids win with kin" campaign right now complete with stickers, pencils, and folders printed up and a big seminar the other day. Research does show better outcomes with kin. Kin gives her culture, genetics, and a mirror. They don't have a safety-based reason *not* to send her, so even if we do this for 4+ months, she will likely go anyway.

She told me the other day that she's going to ask the social worker if I can live with her forever. On a different day, she tearfully told me she dreamed that I died and she didn't know who would care for her so she listed all the possible people. They were people in her life right now, not relatives she doesn't know.

The friend thinks we need to have a conversation among the cousin, me, and the worker (who already said any conversation needs monitoring which is wise) regarding the child's relationships and needs and whether the cousin is prepared to meet them given the contact deficit. I'm certain I can't maintain my composure through that.

Poor 7yo thought he could chuck toys all around the room and yank his social worker's ponytail and then come back here to play. Instead he got a writing assignment that took a lot of time and effort.

Nothing. The boys came into care in a Tuesday, so they have to wait until the following Monday to be presented to the agency liason, who will return the following Monday to report whether or not they have a spot. Meanwhile the kids are floating to different houses or getting comfortable in a house they're not staying in and then they have another disruption.

This system is NOT. ABOUT. CHILDREN. It is until they're removed. Then it's about perpetuating a system.

They're back tonight. I don't want them bouncing. I also don't want DSS to decide that since they're here, it's not a crisis anymore, so we can stop making calls and move onto the next crisis.

I significantly detangled and got 6 straightbacks into one child's very dry and overgrown hair while he writhed and hollered the entire time, but at least he will get 4-5 days of not needing to comb. They're not very tight or even because he was doing donuts while I moved my body in circles with him but they're better than the matted mess that he arrived with and now he matches his brother. I cleaned a significant 🅿️⭕⭕🅿️ tub and then showered (there will be no more baths without a shower first) the other one who definitely does not have 7 year old hygiene skills or expectations. Great kid, just needs a lot of teaching.

DSS makes me crazy.

I spoke to the placement sup at 9:30am. She wanted to place a 4, 6, and 7 year old with an 80 year old foster parent who is not a young 80. The school describes the 7yo as "sweet as his baseline but very volatile when he can't regulate, which is multiple times per day." 6yo kept lifting the mattress to flip it last night. I told her that did not sound safe.

I also found out from the school that the 6yo got picked up at 5:30pm yesterday. School ends at 2:30. Someone had to just stay with him indefinitely with no notice of what was happening, so the principal of the other two kids' school was texting updates because they happen to know each other (major city, not always the case). DSS said don't put him on the bus and then completely stopped responding. Funny, if a parent was 3 hours late without communication, the school calls DSS. But if DSS is, there's no accountability.

DSS waited until 30 mins before school ends today to make a pickup plan. The school is 25 mins away plus parking and walking in. I got the text above at that same time, which tells me they didn't make one single phone call about placement all day because they were still banking on the 80yo but nobody had actually communicated about it.

They didn't make any additional moves to find transportation over the next 3 hours for the boys at 7:30am tomorrow which is the only way they can return to me for tonight. DSS was hoping I'd take pity on them and do school dropoff again like I did today. I can't and was VERY clear in writing and by phone. So now it's 6pm, after business hours, the kids are at the office unfed, and different supervisors keep texting/calling messages like, "____ can drop them off now." I keep responding that as soon as I have spoken to the person picking them up at 7:30am, the boys can be dropped off. I've been burned too many times. They drop off, everyone shuts their phone off, and nobody shows for pickup so I have to wait until the office opens at 9am and show up in person with the kids which means I'm late for work with no notice (or, tomorrow, I miss an 8:30am doctor's appointment for hormone shots).

The other option is that they start calling down the statewide after hours list which can take hours and mean they have to split them up, transport the kids potentially hours away, and then pick them up in the morning.