What is even happening.

I've had a cough for a few weeks, and she has been very attentive and runs to get me a cup of water when she hears me coughing, even if it's from the basement as I'm getting laundry. She has the fiercest spirit of anyone I know and it's developing into fierce empathy. She has defined abs and biceps just from playing and can pick up any sport or activity immediately and with ease. She loves audiobooks and to be read to and is very into books about the human body, Ivy and Bean, the entire Ramona Quimby series, and anything funny. Even more, she loves podcasts (Adventures of Cairo, Circle Round, and Wow in the World are favorites) and being able to DJ her own music selection (the Wicked soundtrack and R Kelly's World's Greatest are on repeat). She listens to things she likes until she has them memorized and can recite along. She's a bike riding fiend for the freedom and speed and recently did a 9.5+ mile ride. She proudly announces that she's an adventurous eater and really does try everything and ask for more - Recently avocado/broccoli sprout salad, marinated tofu, lobster, chickpea or curry loaded with cooked spinach and veg, and she cheers for asparagus. And of course, all the kid favorites too. She loves it all, and loves to help shop for it and make it. She's a social butterfly and can work a room - Today she spontaneously led her class and another class in "practicing the same dance all together so we can get good at it." She made it up as she went along and they willingly followed. She loves dance class and especially recitals, gymnastics, swimming lessons, soccer, and running club. Thinks constantly and talks even more. Is so proud to help with chores. Asks millions of questions about what words mean and how things work. Writes very thoughtful birthday notes and cards. Is a snuggling champ and gives hugs like it's the only place she ever wants to be in the world.

The 5yo's worker and my worker came yesterday. The paperwork is in limbo in my state waiting for by my state's ICPC office. I have no doubt it will be approved. I have voiced my concerns that someone having unlimited access to contact but only pursuing 90 mins across 7 months including two no-shows and two 2-month gaps indicates a problem. The worker asked me for an updated contact log of how often the cousin has talked to the 5yo. I told her I'd forward the email I sent her in March for how often they'd spoken. She said no, it has to be an updated log. There are no updates to provide. The cousin hasn't asked to speak to the 5yo since March. It's May 19.

I was clear, again, that I recognize that this person can offer genetics and culture and I can't. The cousin has been kind, warm, and encouraging with the child in the few minutes they've had together virtually. I was also clear that this kid is going to have a behavioral explosion when she loses every single relationship and routine without any kind of meaningful connection. When she explodes, it is HARD and it lasts for a LONG time. If the cousin wants to maintain this level of connection with her, or increase, I'm happy to facilitate it, but the cousin will not be able to provide both connection and correction in person with this level of disconnect. I asked if there's a plan for summer care or schooling while she's at work. Unknown. I asked if there's a plan for the doula business if she has to leave overnight. Unknown. I told them that school starts in August there (Sept here). The worker was surprised. Apparently the way this works is that the other state does the study and this state asks absolutely no questions. At that point I started crying and told them that under no circumstances would I send any child clear across the country to a person who doesn't know them without a plan for their care when it's not an immediate emergency and consider it safe or mentally healthy for either person.

DSS is going to set up weekly supervised Zoom visits to facilitate contact and show they have put effort in to establishing a connection. DSS would require the mom's cousin to fly to meet the child once for an in-person visit before a transition.

Once the ICPC paperwork is approved, DSS here will schedule a meeting of the management to present both the mom's cousin's adoption study and mine (which was approved last August) to decide if it's better for the 5yo to go to the cousin or stay here. These meetings happen twice per month and are booking "several months out."

I also found out yesterday that the child's grandmother/cousin's aunt was staying there during part of the process and the receiving state put in their ICPC documents that she has to be supervised at all times with the child. My state doesn't require that and we've seen her monthly for years (libraries, museums, dance recitals, playgrounds, our house, etc) without a problem. She must have refused a background check.

I feel frustrated. I agonized and continue to feel uncomfortable over arguing with family over a child. I just can't imagine leaving her with someone who likes the idea of a kid but isn't trying to know the actual kid. She is so awesome. She's also a lot. Allllll day every day. I've been picking her up at noon from school for a portion of my leave because she's smarter than several of the teachers and their useless sticker charts and knows exactly where, when, how, and with whom to kick off and get away with it. She accurately narrates the entire thing afterward with absolutely no regret, often in front of them while they agree, which is how I know she's conning them. Can the cousin meet those needs? Does she want to?

I don't want to drag out the inevitable. The worker is the one who presents the cases to management and won't say anything aloud but shakes her head with a small smile to indicate that the child should stay. She's an anxious quivering person 100% of the time. My worker (who is a kinship foster parent who had to fight with DSS over her family's case and a grandmother whose opinion I respect) said she's going to email her recommendations and wants to be present at the management meeting. She verbally agrees with my points.

Maybe I shouldn't be arguing. Maybe I should just let it happen. I'm not worried for her physical safety and that's really all DSS is interested in. Will culture and genetics make up for another shattering of every single one of her primary attachments? Is it ethical to say she's thriving here when the reason she's here is that the State's processes took too long?

I would be deeply sad for me but gratefully celebrating for their family if she were going to her dad and two siblings where she was supposed to go years ago. They worked hard at maintaining that connection for her. He would have struggled and he also would have succeeded.

Because deadlines aren't deadlines and an employee vacation can literally change the trajectory of someone's life.

The cousin texted today, "Hello hello! How's everything going"

I responded, "Hi, she's doing great." And apparently that's enough information after a 2 month conversation desert after a 5 minute video chat because that was the end of the conversation.

Just off of the photos she has access to: How's school? How's gymnastics? Soccer? Dance? Has she had any more friends over? Any more long bike trips? Was that trampoline park a birthday party because she looked like she was having a blast with her friends! What did she plant in her vegetable garden? What chapter book was that she was reading so I can ask her about it? CAN I TALK TO HER?

Does she know that parenting is ALL THE TIME? There's no pause button. No break. No "too busy." She's not a pet you can crate or leave home for a few hours.

I have never before wanted to argue with a family about a kid. In front of the kid I remain neutral.

My office's three-levels-up manager says that she needs to hold a meeting "sometime in the next two weeks or maybe more because there are a lot of people who need to have their opinions heard before we decide to do that."

I expressed my frustration that none of those people weighing in know the kid and this gap in action is why we have kids in care indefinitely. Also that the relative now has even LONGER to ignore the deadline, complete her requirements, and acquire a child that she hasn't spoken to or asked about for 45 days. Today she looked at the album for the first time since Feb and commented, "Look at my girl 😭." Your girl? Who you don't talk to or ask about or move quickly to have with you. "Look at her" would be more accurate.

The third-level-up manager actually used the phrase "deadlines don't really mean anything in the Department."

Today I waited until 1:30 and called her. She said, "Well I did just reach out to them on Monday..." Yes. And they told you something would happen on Thursday. Now it's Friday. So you should check in. I could hear clacking in the background and she said, "Hang on, I'm just typing them an email.....Can you please provide a case update on Child's Name." I said, "Hang on. Can you please include that their policy states 120 days, that date passed in March, and that we are at over 150 days so there should be no additional extensions granted if they are following their own stated policy?" She said, "Oh...150? Yeah...." and typed in what I said.

This is why I'm a raving lunatic with them. Please. PLEASE just do the minimum job requirements. I don't want to keep track of whether you did them. I want to trust that you did when you say you did.

It's been 37 days since the cousin interacted with the child for 5 mins and then left the video call that she requested to go talk on the phone. Hasn't checked the album or texted to check on her. I've interacted with her for 26,640 daytime minutes since then and uploaded over 100 photos/videos. They've had 15 mins of total interaction since 12/22.

November 30 to March 30 was already 121 days. The deadline has already been exceeded.

It's Monday. 4/30 is Thursday.

It's been 17 days since the cousin reached out for a video chat and then left the call to go talk on another call. 3 days before that she no-call-no-showed. And a 31 day gap to the call before that. It was a 59 day no-contact gap before that to the previous call. The one before that was also a no-call-no-show. In between those calls there is no communication between them and always she is "swamped at work." Too swamped to ask how the child's day was? And she is saying she wants to parent this child.

But my nieces who I love slept over last night, and I cleaned my house for that so it's relaxing in here now. We went to a playground last night and on the way by the idling train the conductor let them peek inside and gave them stickers. The skateboarders at the park let them try their skateboards. I prepped and we ate a delicious dinner that everyone ate thirds of. The toddler's tantrums were easily diffused. Everyone woke up happy. They had unicorn popsicles in the back yard after breakfast (it was 37*) and then I found bikes/scooters that fit everyone and we went to a different playground. The 5yo and I went to a third playground with her bike after that to meet a school friend. The sun is shining. I have energy and I feel great. I'm on track with healthy eating and moving my body daily. The afternoon is wide open.

I asked what happens if I say I want to fight it once the paperwork returns. She would present the information at an internal meeting and the higher-ups decide. That would be an ugly thing to do, to fight a family member for a child.

I am not an emotional person. This has brought me to tears several times.

I am trying very hard to be reasonable and live up to my ideals that kids should be with their family whenever possible if it's healthy and safe. It's not my job to compete with family.

I think I am failing.

The mom's cousin pursuing custody across the country who has never met the child texted on Wednesday at 6pm asking to "reschedule" last Saturday's video chat for the next few hours. Last two were 11/27 for 5 mins, 2/19 for 10 mins. She asked for one and then ghosted this past Saturday, and this is the first text since agreeing to Saturday. She "has a surprise" for the child. I said sure, everything okay now? She responded that she was "hospitalized on Friday with extreme chest pain and high blood pressure which never happens" and "slept through our meeting" and needs to see a specialist.

I'm sorry to hear that. But...No one-sentence text when you woke up? Or the next 3 days? Just a no-call no-show until you're ready, no consideration for the kid? That's not a parenting relationship.

So I log the child in immediately and turns out the child's Nana/cousin's aunt is there. We have a solid relationship with her and see her 1-2 times per month with DSS's permission and without their supervision. We pick Nana up and go to the library, playground, children's museum, swimming pool, her dance recital and dance holiday showcase, Santa pictures, got permission for her to come to our house...Lots of interaction. Nana has put the child in the phone with both uncles and with her siblings, and when Nana looks at me to check whether it's okay, my response is always, "Your family, your decision," because she is skilled at steering conversations so everyone stays happy. She's wonderful but cannot parent - No income, can't work due to health issues, rents a single bedroom in a really tough situation that she was just evicted from. She's the one who asked the cousin to step forward. Wednesday 3/11 she was supposed to be returning to her home country where she owns a home that her son lives in, and her own mom is there, so the weekend before when she told me that on Saturday we added an impromptu Sunday hangout. One way ticket, doesn't know when she will return, and she's constantly mentioning that she has no money to travel with so I have no idea who buys the tickets. Somehow now on 3/26 she is in TX because she has to go to FL (where there are other family members) for a funeral (?).

They get on the call and everyone is happy and chatty. Always loving and affirming toward the 5yo. Within 2 mins, the cousin steps out to take a phone call from her uncle. Nana talks to the child for about 10 mins, and the child asks to please hang up so she can go ride her bike. Nana agrees and calls the cousin in to say goodbye. They do, cheerfully, lots of "love" and calling her "Baby," and the child ends the call.

So...The cousin wasn't going to reach out at all except that Nana was there.

This is such a mind-bender for me. Kids should be with their family if it's healthy and safe. And also....This kid is established with relationships here. But she's only 5 (6 soon), and kids are flexible and can adjust. I don't remember much of being 6. And there are no safety concerns.

The child is also ACTIVE. Wednesday was a school half day. She went to nature school and was outside walking trails from 9-12 and then sat outside for lunch. 30 min walk with me, 20 mins dentist, 2 hr hike, 1 hr gymnastics class, dinner/the video chat, 1 hr bike ride, and still took a half hour to fall asleep because she wasn't tired. Both Nana and the cousin were in pajamas reclined on the couch at 3pm their time. I've never seen the cousin in clothing. For each call, she's always in her bonnet and pajamas on the couch midday. Many kids could adjust. This child is going to climb the walls in that environment. After a single "down" day she gets grumpy, argumentative, throws tantrums that can last for an hour+, and doesn't sleep. Her strong personality turns into the red Hulk. She likely will be diagnosed with ADHD at some point but it's managed right now with TONS of activity. I am afraid that she'd be medicated with a non-stimulant within 6 months there just to slow her down. If she needs that eventually, fine - Medication is sometimes a phenomenal tool. But if we can give her body what it needs without it and she can access academics, daily living tasks, conversations, and relationships as long as she has hours of movement every day, let's do that.

I know the cousin has a full time work from home job. According to the Internet, she also has a just-her business that involves being present for labor/delivery. She's single. Where does the child go during a 9 hour overnight labor that starts unexpectedly at 10pm? The social worker wasn't aware of that when I asked. It took 15 seconds after Googling her name to find out.

I feel like this person wants the idea of a kid. But doesn't really know what actual active parenting is. If my child was across the country, I'd be doing a daily check-in. Maybe weekly. I'd be churning through requirements to get to her. I'd be checking into the photo album constantly, not every 3 weeks or so. How could you bear to be separated?

So I'm failing. Because right now, I think the child is better off here based on relationships and lifestyle. But those things don't override biology and culture.

Part of me wants to ask the worker to please set a deadline, because this person expressed interest on Oct 2, paperwork arrived in their state in Nov, and her parts aren't done to start the homestudy. It's been 6 months with only 5 points of contact, and 3 of them were less than 10 mins of conversation, and two were no-call no-shows. There have been 3 months of formally engaging in paperwork/classes that aren't done. There has been a 8 week communication gap within that. But I also don't want to accelerate the child leaving. But if she's going, she needs to go, because she makes daily comments about moving with her siblings, which we haven't told her isn't happening because we don't have a solid next step to tell her about so it would just create anxiety. So I just "that would be fun" along with her. But the comments now include "never leaving" me, or me moving to marry Daddy, or me being there when she does something as a teenager or grownup.

She arrived here just before her 2nd birthday. She's turning 6 in May. That will be her 5th birthday celebration here. 4 full years.

If I tell DSS I want her to stay, they will likely leave her here. That feels unethical from a theory standpoint. Fighting against her family is not why I signed up for this.

I can keep her connected. The first thing I would do is book a flight to her siblings' state to see the siblings for an extended trip and then setting that up as a routine multiple times per year. We would be flying to see Nana in her home country every year. Video chats whenever they want. I'd hope the siblings could come here for a week or two every summer to give their dad a break. But that's not enough if she can live with her family, who knows her relatives, who can give her home culture and wider cultural connections and can teach her to navigate the things that I will never experience. Or is it?

What is best for her? I don't know what I should be advocating for.

I have a stomach ache every time I think about it.

Which is all the time.

The contact gap went from Feb 26-Mar 18 with one comment in the photo album in between. The previous one was Nov 27-Feb 26 with one photo album comment in between. There is always a very friendly tone when she texts. I respond with a cute story or a description of what the 5 year old is actively doing when the text arrives (what book she's listening to, what she's playing/making, etc). This time it was a photo of her playing in the backyard in cold weather at 6pm after already spending hours him outside all day and a comment about her boundless energy. Then there is a request for a videochat and I provide times across the next two weekdays and include a weekend option.

This time she picked a day but no time. We are not in a "just FaceTime whenever" part of our relationship so I waited and picked the time. No response. I had the Zoom open 12:20-1, facing the wall because the child didn't know about it with the volume way up so we would hear her enter and I could surprise her. Never came. Never texted. That's why I don't tell kids about calls/visits until the person walks in or clicks the link.

I just feel sad. Like, really deeply sad. This is not establishing a parenting relationship. It's not establishing any relationship. I just don't think this very kind, well-meaning person understands what she's asking to do. If you are too busy to ask about her for weeks and too busy to remember to see her...I'm not. I spent today taking her braids down, driving her to/from dance, making her 3 meals and eating with her, biking at the park where she made a new friend and now we have their number, reading Ivy and Bean snuggled on the couch together, hiking with an old friend, and washing/detangling/pre-styling her hair while we listened to Circle Round and Wow in the World and chatted about them. Found and signed her up for a new extracurricular. Tried to make her cough more comfortable via honey, VapoRub, and a humidifier. Washed, folded, and put away her laundry.

That is exactly the same update as last month, but in different wording.

If you are saying you want the child, but you are too "slammed at work" for six straight months (including weekends) to text a check-in or speak with the child more than 1x every 1-3 months or complete the requirements across 6 months...It seems that you want the idea of the child. Not the actual parenting.

Chemo starts tomorrow. Between those appointments, two surgeries, and working full time (usually, currently on leave), the parenting hasn't paused. That's what parenting is. You can't put the kid on ice and there's no neutral gear. It's active and it's 24/7. If you sign up for it, you have to DO it.

What makes me saddest is that the father (not biological but cut her cord, named her, and raised her for her first year alongside her 3 siblings even though only one is biologically his), who has been parenting two healthy, happy siblings for 3y8mo, who actively pursued her for YEARS with calls, emails, video chats, photo album interactions, meetings, etc. WHILE parenting 2 adults, 2 kids, working, **moved apartments** so he would meet the physical standards to add a child which strained his budget, and maintaining his home was given two months to complete the requirements that she has been working on for six while parenting no other children and having never met the child. In the middle of his two months there was a major traumatic event that was absolutely not caused by Dad but threw all three of them into survival mode. Instead of acknowledging that he was successfully parenting kids reliving their very real experiences while reliving his own, the system pulled the plug. No supportive response, no understanding of attachment or trauma processing. They denied this child this connection of nature and nurture and personal history that she still talks about daily 3y10m into this process, but they have all the patience in the world for a person who hasn't met her and isn't interacting.

I was thinking today that the amount of time between ages 0-40 is the same amount of time between 40-80. It's not the math that's crazy. It's the difference in how your life and body change in those spans. Like, ages 0-20 and ages 60-80 are the same amount of time but they seem so different.

Parenting a child from age 2 to age 6 feels like such a massive part of their life. Moving myself from age 40 to age 44 seems like so little change.

The cousin pursuing custody reached out for a video visit last week for the first time since Thanksgiving. I offered a few long windows of time that day and across the next three. She picked the time and then logged in while working from home midday on the couch in disheveled pajamas. She worked on her computer through the brief chat and told the 5yo she was still working.

She is very complimentary toward the child and notices when the child does or says something like her or like other family members. She's very nice. But she has all these opportunities to get to know the child she is saying she wants to be hers. If you are ask to talk to your child only one time in 3 months, maybe pick a time that you can be fully engaged? The kid can sustain attention and she never lets a conversation run dry.

For three years, every time I sorted clothes, I held some off to send in a suitcase on a plane to the 5 year old's dad for just the next season. The last few times, I held off more of the next sizes up for her to stay through the current season the coming year so I had starter clothes for when the seasons change here. Now, I'm back to "where will she be next winter" - Do I keep the expensive winter coats and boots that won't fit in the suitcase?