I am trying very hard to be reasonable and live up to my ideals that kids should be with their family whenever possible if it's healthy and safe. It's not my job to compete with family.
The mom's cousin pursuing custody across the country who has never met the child texted on Wednesday at 6pm asking to "reschedule" last Saturday's video chat for the next few hours. Last two were 11/27 for 5 mins, 2/19 for 10 mins. She asked for one and then ghosted this past Saturday, and this is the first text since agreeing to Saturday. She "has a surprise" for the child. I said sure, everything okay now? She responded that she was "hospitalized on Friday with extreme chest pain and high blood pressure which never happens" and "slept through our meeting" and needs to see a specialist.
I'm sorry to hear that. But...No one-sentence text when you woke up? Or the next 3 days? Just a no-call no-show until you're ready, no consideration for the kid? That's not a parenting relationship.
So I log the child in immediately and turns out the child's Nana/cousin's aunt is there. We have a solid relationship with her and see her 1-2 times per month with DSS's permission and without their supervision. We pick Nana up and go to the library, playground, children's museum, swimming pool, her dance recital and dance holiday showcase, Santa pictures, got permission for her to come to our house...Lots of interaction. Nana has put the child in the phone with both uncles and with her siblings, and when Nana looks at me to check whether it's okay, my response is always, "Your family, your decision," because she is skilled at steering conversations so everyone stays happy. She's wonderful but cannot parent - No income, can't work due to health issues, rents a single bedroom in a really tough situation that she was just evicted from. She's the one who asked the cousin to step forward. Wednesday 3/11 she was supposed to be returning to her home country where she owns a home that her son lives in, and her own mom is there, so the weekend before when she told me that on Saturday we added an impromptu Sunday hangout. One way ticket, doesn't know when she will return, and she's constantly mentioning that she has no money to travel with so I have no idea who buys the tickets. Somehow now on 3/26 she is in TX because she has to go to FL (where there are other family members) for a funeral (?).
They get on the call and everyone is happy and chatty. Always loving and affirming toward the 5yo. Within 2 mins, the cousin steps out to take a phone call from her uncle. Nana talks to the child for about 10 mins, and the child asks to please hang up so she can go ride her bike. Nana agrees and calls the cousin in to say goodbye. They do, cheerfully, lots of "love" and calling her "Baby," and the child ends the call.
So...The cousin wasn't going to reach out at all except that Nana was there.
This is such a mind-bender for me. Kids should be with their family if it's healthy and safe. And also....This kid is established with relationships here. But she's only 5 (6 soon), and kids are flexible and can adjust. I don't remember much of being 6. And there are no safety concerns.
The child is also ACTIVE. Wednesday was a school half day. She went to nature school and was outside walking trails from 9-12 and then sat outside for lunch. 30 min walk with me, 20 mins dentist, 2 hr hike, 1 hr gymnastics class, dinner/the video chat, 1 hr bike ride, and still took a half hour to fall asleep because she wasn't tired. Both Nana and the cousin were in pajamas reclined on the couch at 3pm their time. I've never seen the cousin in clothing. For each call, she's always in her bonnet and pajamas on the couch midday. Many kids could adjust. This child is going to climb the walls in that environment. After a single "down" day she gets grumpy, argumentative, throws tantrums that can last for an hour+, and doesn't sleep. Her strong personality turns into the red Hulk. She likely will be diagnosed with ADHD at some point but it's managed right now with TONS of activity. I am afraid that she'd be medicated with a non-stimulant within 6 months there just to slow her down. If she needs that eventually, fine - Medication is sometimes a phenomenal tool. But if we can give her body what it needs without it and she can access academics, daily living tasks, conversations, and relationships as long as she has hours of movement every day, let's do that.
I know the cousin has a full time work from home job. According to the Internet, she also has a just-her business that involves being present for labor/delivery. She's single. Where does the child go during a 9 hour overnight labor that starts unexpectedly at 10pm? The social worker wasn't aware of that when I asked. It took 15 seconds after Googling her name to find out.
I feel like this person wants the idea of a kid. But doesn't really know what actual active parenting is. If my child was across the country, I'd be doing a daily check-in. Maybe weekly. I'd be churning through requirements to get to her. I'd be checking into the photo album constantly, not every 3 weeks or so. How could you bear to be separated?
So I'm failing. Because right now, I think the child is better off here based on relationships and lifestyle. But those things don't override biology and culture.
Part of me wants to ask the worker to please set a deadline, because this person expressed interest on Oct 2, paperwork arrived in their state in Nov, and her parts aren't done to start the homestudy. It's been 6 months with only 5 points of contact, and 3 of them were less than 10 mins of conversation, and two were no-call no-shows. There have been 3 months of formally engaging in paperwork/classes that aren't done. There has been a 8 week communication gap within that. But I also don't want to accelerate the child leaving. But if she's going, she needs to go, because she makes daily comments about moving with her siblings, which we haven't told her isn't happening because we don't have a solid next step to tell her about so it would just create anxiety. So I just "that would be fun" along with her. But the comments now include "never leaving" me, or me moving to marry Daddy, or me being there when she does something as a teenager or grownup.
She arrived here just before her 2nd birthday. She's turning 6 in May. That will be her 5th birthday celebration here. 4 full years.
If I tell DSS I want her to stay, they will likely leave her here. That feels unethical from a theory standpoint. Fighting against her family is not why I signed up for this.
I can keep her connected. The first thing I would do is book a flight to her siblings' state to see the siblings for an extended trip and then setting that up as a routine multiple times per year. We would be flying to see Nana in her home country every year. Video chats whenever they want. I'd hope the siblings could come here for a week or two every summer to give their dad a break. But that's not enough if she can live with her family, who knows her relatives, who can give her home culture and wider cultural connections and can teach her to navigate the things that I will never experience. Or is it?
What is best for her? I don't know what I should be advocating for.
I have a stomach ache every time I think about it.