Holmes's Apprentice

Mild-mannered suburban housewife or beleaguered businessman: *starts weeping blood and vomiting spiders*

*theme song*

*Cut to doctor team room*

Attractive Young Doctor: Something something complicated sexual relationships with my colleagues and personal problems

Other Attractive Young Doctor: Ditto.

House: *limps in* Fuck all you guys. Anyway we have a patient with wacky fun symptoms. What’s wrong with them?

AYD #1: Lupis?

House: Literally kill yourself. Anyone else?

AYD #2: Could be *random disease our audience is unlikely to bother googling*

House: Fine. Test for it. Fuck you again. Peace.

*cut to CAT scan*

AYD #1: More dumb personal drama

AYD #2: Random philosophical musing?

Patient: Actually guys I think I’m feeling a lot be-HOLY SHIT I’M DYING

AYD #3: They’re having a grand mal seizure/heart attack/stroke/anaphylactic shock/demon possession/all of the above!

AYD #2: Up the dose of random medicine the audience won’t look up! 

*cut to meeting room*

AYD #4: Well we tried treating for this disease and the patient just startied dying even harder.

House: I knew it wasn’t that illness anyway and you were dumb for ever thinking that it was. Here’s a new theory based on new symptoms.

AYD #4: OK we’ll treat for that.

Patient: *starts dying the hardest they’ve ever died yet*

House: Damn. I still haven’t cracked this case I mean treated my patient.

Wilson: Hi House it’s me your only friend here to lecture you about how you should be a better person

OR

Cuddy: Hi House it’s me your exhausted superior come to lecture you about your gross malpractice I never actually do anything about by the way have you seen my titties? Of course you have the plunge of my neckline is touching the ground.

House: Hey while I was standing here not listening to you I just had an epiphany I know what’s wrong with the patient.

*limps upstairs to patient’s room*

House: Did you breathe in the same room as an elderly cat with a skin disease in the last five years?

Patient: Wow you’re my doctor? This is literally the first time I’ve ever met you. Anyway yes how did you know?

House: Because you show all the symptoms of this random rare disease the audience could look up on Wikipedia but probably won’t bother doing. Here’s a cool animation of it with a bunch of doctor-y words so you know it’s legit. Anyway you’ll be fine if you take a drink of cold water and a baby aspirin.

Patient: Wowzers! Thanks doc! Your brilliance has genuinely saved and improved my life. Do you think this encounter has helped you become a better person?

House: Unlikely. Fuck you by the way.

Friendship, I’ve come to believe, is most accurately defined as two people moving towards the best aspects of one another. It is a relationship of mutual benefit, mutual gain. Another thing I’ve learned is that my isolationist tendencies are decidedly not my best quality. I am not a better person because of a lack of connection. So, I think the healthy thing is for you not to move in my direction. In fact, quite the opposite.

Friendship, I’ve come to believe, is most accurately defined as two people moving towards the best aspects of one another. It is a relationship of mutual benefit, mutual gain. Another thing I’ve learned is that my isolationist tendencies are decidedly not my best quality. I am not a better person because of a lack of connection. So, I think the healthy thing is for you not to move in my direction. In fact, quite the opposite.