Nourish to Flourish!

I didn’t know how bad my mental health was getting until I rode my bike last week. Holy smokes! 

We had a beautiful spring like day, and I text a friend on a whim with a “Hey, its real nice out today, be a good day for a bike ride!”.. 

She mulled it over, and decided to hang her laundry outside to dry, but I got a text ten minutes later that “Yup. Getting my bike out, see you in ten minutes!!”

Uh oh.. I only said that because I know she loves biking, the problem was my bike was sitting in the trainer with a trainer tire on it. I made a quick trip to the local bike shop, and got that switched out.. 

And it was the best decision. I haven’t rode that bike much at all because since I’ve had the official MS diagnosis, I’ve been using an ebike, which currently has a flat tire on the back which is going to be an adventure to change.. 

BUT

Over the summer, and more into the fall and winter, I started walking pretty much every day of the week. I really focused on getting my 10k steps, and then started getting 15k to 20k steps. 

Then one night I was upset about something and really got the hustle moving, and my FitBit tracked it as a run.. now, I don’t know how fast a pace you need to be walking for FitBit to track an activity as a run, but when I saw that when I got home, I was ecstatic!   

And then the weather decided to not cooperate. I guess its a mix of being nasty out, the disaster of a break up if you want to call it that, and dental surgery + complications. 

I want to get moving again, especially now since I’ve registered for the Bluenose 5k! And soon it will be time to get my bike out again. I have a flat on the back of my Rad Runner that I am very anxious to change myself but it needs to be done! I actually think its causing me anxiety knowing that I can’t just hop on my bike a go whenever I want right now. 

I wore my crampons to walk to work this morning. The snow from the pervious week + rain, made a very slippery, slushy mess. 

Work didn’t have a whole lot going on, so I opted to work from home the rest of the day, and that didn’t take much longer because it was just preparing a presentation for my next Inclusion and Accessibility committee meeting. We have to go over all of the pillars of accessibility, to make sure all points are still valid. Last meeting we talked about transportation, (which included the Active Transportation Plan) that I am super passionate about. Next week our meeting will discuss education and talking about ways to make the schools and college more accessible for people with disabilities. 

I called my dentist this morning because I had a tooth extraction last Monday, and my gums next to the site are so tender and sore. They told me it was normal and to wait a few more days to see if it went away but don’t back off with cleaning and salt water rinsing. This tooth needed to go because I am having a bridge put in because the filling was too close to the bone and it was ready to give at any moment. A very expensive and long process. I have a cleaning on the 30th and I CANNOT wait. 

I am still feeling ho hum about Robert. I think about him less but when I see him I just want to either hurt him (emotionally) or beg for answers. 

I got a special treat today, I have coffee with a coworker every morning at 7am, and this morning we shared a chocolate chip muffin, but thats not the special part! I decided to stay at the coffee shop, and have my second cup as well because it was very messy outside, and my friend Holly showed up and we got to have coffee together. We walked her little dog, buddy, around town and I broke off and went to work. 

Unrequited love. Breadcrumbing. Stringing along. 

Name it whatever you want, but it all sucks. 

I had my heart broken three days after my moms funeral, all because I cancelled a date because my brother attempted suicide. How messed up is that? That was a little easier to get over than this, because, how big of an asshole are you to break up with your best friend after you won’t be getting any loving?

This though, this unrequited love.. is it unrequited if he told me he wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with me first? That we would go for walks, and hang out, and talk for hours but never anything more?

First it was a very serious relapse with MS, I had to use a wheelchair practically full time, I was choking on everything, and I had spasmodic dysphonia, he wanted me to be “okay first, before we started anything like a relationship” Alright, I get that. 

Then after I had two straight weeks of torture and I started feeling better, I could walk and talk and not choke when I tried to eat or drink anything, and you know what the next excuse was? “Well, me and my ex rushed into things and now I’m single and I don’t want to do that with us, I want to be friends and see where it goes”.. Okay.. This is MONTHS after he straight up told me that he wanted more with me. I get going slow, but not progressing at all? 

Did I mention that I was spoiling him with money when he was struggling and gifts for Christmas? I also bought he two pairs of new casual shoes, winter boots, and the top of the line work boots? I easily spent $700 on him. All because that is the type of person that I am, when I care about you, I love you, and I will take care of you.

It all came to a screeching halt on Christmas eve, know why? Because his SON asked me out. I went straight to this guy and demanded answers because I thought him and his son were trying to bait me into showing disloyalty. He told me to “go for it”. Seriously? I just spent months chasing you and you tell me to go for it with your son?

Of course my answer was a solid no, BUT, the very next day I asked him if he knew his son was going to do that, and he looked me in the eyes, and told me he had no idea..

Except, his son showed up at my place with the receipts. He showed me the text messages of him telling his dad to “Ask her out, or stop leading her on or I am going for it.” Know his response? He liked the way I gave him attention and bought him things.

So I went for it. I went for it with his son, and he did not like that. I got the silent treatment and straight up ignored. Thats okay because I went on with life acting like he didn’t exist in this world.  

But why do I still care about him and want his friendship?! What is this crap? I hate feelings. My feelings are hurt. I was open and very vulnerable with him. I actively stopped myself from having feelings for him in the first place before he inserted himself in my life, and really, it takes a special kind of asshole to lead somebody on when they are grieving the death of a parent. 

I wrote him a letter. I simply said that I was very disappointed that he was my first lesson of 2023, and that I was sad he felt the need to lead me on in order to get the things he wanted, when I would have done EVERYTHING I did for him, as a friend, without getting feelings involved but instead he broke my heart, and even after everything I only wanted what was best for him. 

I guess that hit him where it hurts because he has been asking mutual friends about it left and right. Good. 

Lets start from 2019? Thats about where we left off. In July of 2019 I lost my best friend. My person. My constant. That may have been one of my most hardest moments that I’ve had to live through. 

In the fall of 2019 when I was running in a 5km race, my foot went numb. I thought it was just my shoes being too tight, so I loosened them and kept going.. a little while later my whole leg went numb and I buckled at the knee. I had to hobble the rest of the race.  

A week or so after that happened, I woke up practically blind in my right eye. My optometrist said it was Optic Neuritis, she sent me to an Ophthalmologist, who asked a bunch of questions, with most my answers being “yes”.. from there they sent me for an MRI, which showed micro lesions on my brain, and after that I was referred to the MS clinic.

The pandemic hit, I grieved the loss of my ability to bike and run. I was angry. Boy, was I angry. It took a lot more testing to rule out everything else under the sun that mimics MS, but in 2022 I had a lumbar puncture which confirmed my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. 

I also started the much talked about Ozempic for control of my diabetes. I put a lot of effort into avoiding the side effects by quickly learning how to eat while on this drug, and did a lot, a lot, a lot of biking and walking. At the start of 2022, I was 267 pounds, as of New Years Eve, I was 182 pounds. 

2022 may have been my hardest year ever. I got the lumbar puncture that required a follow up blood patch, I started Ozempic, I got renovicted, in June we thought we were losing my mom but she pulled through, but was diagnosed with a very, very rare disease called Anti - GBM, it attacks the lungs and kidneys. She had a stroke mid summer, and later in the fall, she passed away from complications of Anti GBM. This led to the domino effect of having to tie up loose ends and take care of my brother. I got him an apartment in my building. He is doing much better now but it has been very, very hard.

I guess thats why I am rambling on tonight. Just putting thoughts out there. I got my heart broken recently when I found out the person who wanted to pursue me romantically just liked the attention I gave him, and didn’t actually want anything but the stuff I would buy him. Thats been fun.

I am avoiding my grief. Really avoiding my grief. 

I walk. a lot. I want the winter to get over with so I can bike again but walking will do for now. Some days I get 25k+ steps. Thats how bad I want to avoid the grief. Yes, I know its unhealthy.