Royal pain in my ass

Phoebe got angry at me. She didn’t talk to me.

I told you how I wanted to run away from old New York. When I met Phoebe at the Museum of art, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Firstly, she had my red hunting hat on head. Secondly, she had a suitcase with her because she thought she’s going with me. She looked so excited.

But I said she’s not going with me. She felt offended and she knew how to show it to me. Even though I changed my mind about running away, she still didn’t talk to me. She refused to go back to school so I took her to Zoo. By the time we left sea lions, she didn't feel offended, at least not so much as she had felt. I led Phoebe to carrousel. She loves carousel.

She probably forgot she didn’t want to talk to me. I gave her money for tickets and said I’ll be just watching her. There was plying that song “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes”. As I watched Phoebe, sitting on that big horse and smiling, I was happy. I really was. My depressing thoughts and thoughts about Allie left me.

I liked watching her. She was so happy-go-lucky!

It was cold as hell and I started missing my family, especially old Phoebe. You have never seen such an intelligent girl like Phoebe. She’s perfect. So what I did was that I walked home.

It wasn’t hard to lie to our doorman, so after few minutes I entered our flat. I didn’t want to wake anybody so I went as quiet as a mouse into D.B.’s room. I knew that Phoebe would sleep there. She always would when D.B. wasn’t home. It broke my heart when I saw her. She looked like an angel and if I didn’t have to wake her up, I would watch her the whole night. Anyway, I came here to talk to her so I woke her up. She was awake right away and she hugged me as we haven’t seen each other for thousands years. Her hug wasn’t phony as Sally’s; this hug was pure childlike love. We talked a little. Phoebe told me about her problems. Oh boy, what problems she had! One boy from her class was following her everywhere and she hates him for this. I realized how much I missed her!

She was really happy to see me even though she was afraid that dad would kill me. I didn’t say a word but she knew that I was kicked out from school. I told you she’s intelligent.

 I told her about Pencye Prep, all these phonies there and that I didn’t like the school. Then she said that I didn’t like anything. That killed me. It made me depressed. I tried to think about something that I like but all I could think of was Allie and one boy from old school who committed a suicide. Allie came up on my mind again. I missed him. It’s hard to come to terms with his death, even after years it would be hard. I found myself in this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8KmhmpaKuk . Nobody told me it would be so hard, Allie’s death. You know, I had to find it out by myself. And now I’m running in circles of childhood so that I wouldn't have to grow up and face the reality, the real problems. All I would do is I would the catcher in the rye. I would catch kids on the edge of the cliff, save them from falling down. That’s what I really would like to do.

I'm sick of this world full of phonies. Why they can’t be honest?

I have no idea what would happen when I called Sally. We haven’t seen each other in a while so I invited her to the theatre. We met, she was late as usually but I didn’t say a word. The show, The Lunts, was neither bad nor good. There were some breaks during the show and we went out to have a cigarette. There happened something incredible! Sally met some guy she knew. He was that kind of a handsome phony guy. They were talking about people they both knew for AGES! You have never seen more phony conversation. I swear to God that I would puke if the break wasn’t over. But the next break they continued in their conversation and Sally was totally ignoring me, as if she forgot with who she is there. I was like fifth wheel. That killed me. At the end of the show, I hated her.

Sally isn’t a girl you can hate for a long time. So I agreed to her offer to go ice-skating. There we had a drink and I just got that goddam idea of running away. If you live in New York for 17 years as I do, you will understand. People, here in New York, are focused on materialistic things and belonging to some club – all these phony things.

Ackley wasn’t a good company. I left his room and thought of visiting someone else but suddenly the dormitory seemed depressing to me. It made me depressed, a little. After all that happened that night, I had no reason to stay here so I decided to leave that lousy Pencey Prep dorm. I just packed up few things I had there and it made me think about my parents, mostly my mom. By the time I get home, they will receive that goddam letter about kicking me out from school. They’ll get crazy. I know it. They really will. 

So this is what I did. When I was leaving, I put my red hunting hat on. Yeah, I mean that ridiculously gorgeous hunting hat!  I was leaving that prison full of phonies and after all, I was happy to leave. I don’t know why but I felt like I was saying goodbye to all boys in the dorm. I also pitied them. They had no idea how phony they are. So I tried to make my departure as memorable as I could. I shouted at the top of my lungs: “Sleep tight, ya morons!” and left the dorm laughing like a drain.

Ackley wants to sleep. He made me turn off the light. Even though he was still afraid of Ely coming in, I laid down on the bed. I couldn't stop thinking about Jane. I didn't want to think about her. It made me feel so bad... My head couldn't stop imagining her in Ed Banky's car with that lousy Stradlater!

I wish I would have talked to Jane. She was waiting for that bastard downstairs. And I didn’t even go there and say ‘hello’. I feel like I “wasted years” just saying that I’ll go say ‘hello’ to her. I feel as I was drunk- I’m able to think, but not able to do something.”

I cannot stand him anymore. When Stradlater came back, I gave him the essay which I wrote for him and he wasn’t satisfied with it. So what about torn essay? Are you satisfied?!

Moreover, he told me about Jane and him being in Ed Banky’s car. Boy, how I hated him. Once I double-dated with him so I exactly knew what he meant by this. All of a sudden, I felt like my anger pushed me towards Stradlater and I wanted to punch him. To be honest, I’m not a very good puncher. The next thing that I felt was his gooddam knees on my chest and I couldn’t move.  He was telling me something, but all I could think of was to get rid of him from my chest. When he finally let me stand out, I couldn’t stop myself and I was yelling at him. I wish I hadn’t been. He knocked me down. I had that goddam blood all over my face.