Brand New Combine Harvester

Troy Barret is such a pain in Harris' ass (hehe get it)

Harris himself only realises this after Troy has been in Ottawa for nearly 2 years and has gotten much more comfortable, not only with the team but with himself as well. Of course Harris is delighted that Troy can feel this way, however he is less fond of the consequences that come with Troy's comfortability.

It turns out that when Troy is comfortable around people he looses his filter. He will say whatever he is thunking and will not even begin to hesitate and worry about what others will think (something that Harris believes Ilya taught Troy). He will say things without thinking of the consequences: will this offend anyone, who might hear this, will this cause more work for Harris.

Literally none of that occurs to Troy.

It isn't much of a problem at first. The unfiltered comments remaining contained withing the safety of the team. Until Ilya and Troy start hanging out in public together.

Harris really does love that they are such good friends to eaxhother but he has to admit - Ilya truly brings out the worst in Troy. Harris knows this is dramatic but its the only way he can describe it.

The two friends have taken to calling eachother fags put in public, talking about peoples horrible fashions sense when they are literally sat opposite them, and many more things that eventually of course end up viral online.

'Two hockey players calling eachother the f slur- a rise in homophobia in the NHL' says on article

'Homosexual people proven to be judgy and rude to straight members of the public'says another.

Harris dreads the day that the two's messages are leaked to the world which he has accepted to be inevitable due to Ilya and Troy's lack of concern for security on any of their devices which Harris struggles to fathom considering the two's track record of secret public closeted relationships.

The thing is, Harris doesn't have it in him to tell Troy off. He doesn't care when he has to send a strongly worder email to Ilya but with Troy its different. He can see that Troy is only acting this way because he feels comfortable and there is nothing that Harris wants more than for Troy to feel that way. He simply wishes he was comfortable around different peope and perhaps a tad bit less comfortable.

Harris of course, rather than reprimand his lovely boyfriend to take his complaints to the source and blames Ilya for 'corrupting' Troy.

Unfortunatley a reporter heard this and there was yet another article produced

'Gay NHL play Ilya Rozanov forcing innocent players to turn gay!'

Inej, of course is perfect in all the ways and never has been and never will be associated with anything that could be damaging to her lungs

Kaz tell everyone he is a hardcore smoker because it fits in with the image he has built for hinself but he has never touched a cig in his life and would like it to remain that way.

You know who is a hardcore smoker?

Matthias. When he first met Kaz he of course assumed like everyone else that that guy is smoking multiple packs a day. Matthias, in the hopes of being able to prove his 'dominance' over Kaz -really he just wants to be more accepted and thinks this is the way to do that- then decides he too mus smoke like his life depends on it.

Of course he eventually discovers that Kaz has never touched a cigarette (thanks to Inej) and he is distraught and distressed. He tells himself 'its fine i can quit as easiky as I started' and thats what he tells everyone else he did- quit. But they all know thats not true, evident from the multiole times of day he pops elsewhere for a 'breath of fresh air'.

Jesper who is very much aware that Kaz is not a smoker still somehow manages to make himself feel left out because he doesn't smoke. They all remind him that he isnt left out because Kaz isnt actually a smoker but his delusional self has already decided that Kaz IS a smoker. He finds himself conflicted: to look cool or to have healthy lungs. A very tough decision

So of course the first time he sees Nina vaping he feels as though a weight has been lifted of his shoulders as he demands to try Ninas vape for the first time.

Nina vaped for a couple weeks sinply to try something new, later deciding she needed to 'mature' and leave the vapes behind

Jesper however, is obsessed and views vaping as a hobby and his vapes as a collection. He is never found with less than 2 vapes on his person and is almoat constantly vaping and blowing exageratedly exhaling in the other crows faces .

Wylan, of course despises this. He thinks it is immature and foolish - something he is not afraid to rell Jesper whenever he vapes in his vicinity.

The other crows have nothing much to say, assuming that this is something that Jesper will leave behind when (if) he matures. They're only in high school, letting Jesper have this hobby wont do him any harm.

But then they aren't in high school anymore. They have jobs and there own houses and Jesper has failed to leave behind his obsession with vaping.

After many years the crows just has to accept that this will, unfortunatley forever be a part of Jespers life. Wylan refuses to accept this and frequently finds himself hidng said vapes from Jesper and repeatedly glaring at Nina whenever he remembers that she is to blame for Jespers obsession (deep down Wylan knows it isn't Ninas fault, Jesper would have found out about Vapes sooner or alter anyways but he likes to having someone more close by to blame)

Set years after The Long Game

Shane and Ilya are parents

TW!!!

DESCRIPTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/IDEALATION AND SUICIDE ATTEMPS

DEPRESSION

(please do not read if you feel this could be triggering in any way, this ficlet is centred around Ilya's depression and focuses on suicidal idealition and mentions past suicide attempts)

When Ilya Rozanov became a father he decided from the start that he would always be extremely open to his children about his mental health. He tells them that sometimes for him it gets quite bad and other time he feels fine. He explains that sometime you can notice when he feels bad and sometimes you can't.

He does this so that his kids will always feel safe to openly communicate their mental health to him. So he can make sure they never feel as bad as he did all his life. To make sure they never do anything stupid like he has many time before.

He doesnt tell them it all. He doesn't tell them that sometimes, when its bad, he finds himself on the edge of a bridge, stood by a busy road, sitting in the garage all alone, stocking up on medication. He doesn't tell them that because he's ashames. He doesnt want them to know that sometimes he doesnt feel like he can hold on and keep going.

Most of all he worries that they will think that they weren't a good enough reason for gim to want to stay

He knows this is everyones natural response.

He heard it from Svetlana the first time she found him throwing up in his family bathroom back in Russia.

He heard it from Marleau when he found him bleeding in his bath back in boston.

He also heard it from Shane. Shane who has never seen him like this because Ilya wont let him. Shane was only an hour away when Ilya founf himself on that bridge many years ago. But Ilya was ashamed. He didn't want Shane to see how weak he was and so he called Troy.

He's also heard it from Troy

He's heard it from evry person he has burdened throughout the years but he will never hear it from his children.

Even when they are all in their teens and approaching adulthood. When he tells shane he needs the house to himself for paperwork fully knowing that his family would be the ones that found him. He sat alone in that day. With notes pre written. Tears shed until there were none left and with everything he needed to ensure he would never have to burden anyone again.

He sat there and he found that the fear of it not working, of hearing his own children worry that they werent enough to make him stay causes him to hesitate. He may have hestitated before, when he called Troy from the bridge, when he drove to Scott's after he nearly walked into that road. But this time ws different

It was the point in his life when he knew the hesitation wasn't a temporary fix. It was the relisation that he could never let his children feel that way, the way he felt when he found his mother.

He doesn't blame her of course, he doesnt view himself as stronger than her because of this decision because his mama is the strongest person he has ever known but it's the relisation that he has to live for them.

When he became a farther he vowed to end the vicious cycle of the way he was raised and he has done that in so many ways. Broken the cycle over and over again bht it wasn't until this moment that he relised there was another cycle that needed breaking. He couldn't let his kids grow up the way he had. Feeling like their parent didn't love them enough to stay. Begining the endless cycle of doubt and eventually hopelessness.

He wanted to break that cycle that he knew his mama would want broken and to do that he needed to stay.

Ilya is externally very much comfortable with his sexuality, his identity. He loves that he's bisexual and he's comfortable in his masculinity. Once he is out a proud, everyone can see this.

But no one sees how he feels on the inside.

I mean, growing up in Russia, a country where its illegal to love who you love, to be yourself freely. A family that taught him that there was a part of him that was wrong.

Im not saying that he is filled with internalised homophobia, i'm just saying perhaps theres a tinge of it that even he doesnt notice but it impacts the little things.

He's happy topping, it works for him but maybe a small part of him wants to try it the other way but he cant let himself. When people use gay as an insult its implied that they think taking it up the ass is the problem. Maybe a part of Ilya feels this way about himself.

I have decided i must act and write the fics i want to read.