Hito

I knew this series from a particular person which as of now that means a lot to me. For those who didn’t know what was the series about, basically it’s a story about a high school girl who had her life somehow messed up at a certain point. From her point of view, it was mostly caused by external factors which is then she recorded tapes. Yes, like a vintage cassette tapes just audio in it.She recorded 13 reasons why she took her life.

In the end of season 1, I was thinking that most of the people who got involved in her life had learned the hard way that there are actually a person that went through the same shit just as a regular person do sometimes. It’s just the way she thinks and resolved these problems are not the same way as how a regular person thinks.

Imo, when a person get a lot of shit happens in their life, on and on and on, they tend to blame it on the world, as if life hates them so much, wondering what do they do wrong. The thing is, when this thing happens like a royal straight flush and just as a train moving so fast you couldn’t stop it at your face, without having a strong belief in yourself, I am pretty sure down goes your mental state. It cracks like piece of beautiful glass. From here, there’s only two options, either broke down and get reconstructed as a new stronger glass. Or stay broken. 

When I say a having a stronger belief, you had another way to think, another perspective and point of view on this life, how did it happen to us and why did it happen to us. But without it, I think most of us would just stay broken, keep on blaming ourselves and even treat ourself as the one as the caused of the all problems that occurs. And you all knew where it leads on a people that are not right in their state of mind. Ending their life, as if ending means no more problem for themselves and for the others.

Now, as I watched this person who took their life, I came to realize few tings :

1. All of us had our own life, which means our own problems to deal with. Which is sometimes is already hard and maybe even fucked up enough that we felt we couldn’t even care what the other person’s owould have.

2. For a person who thinks like the girl who took her life in this series, without the right person to do the right thing, I’d say there would be no chance at all to change to be at a better state of yourself. This thing, I experienced it myself. In my pov, I had to force this someone in my life to not go through what this girl in the series do. When she said you have to leave or get the fuck out, I don’t do it, most of the time in the begining I did not budge, I fight the way through inside her, inside the mind, the heart. Trying and learning and hoping that I would understand how the fuck does her mind works and think. How did something small really could caused a big problems just for this type of minds. After watching the series, I came to realize that I did the right thing even though some of it were really hard and pains me, I just knew that I have to get through this or else it would’ve been the same thing as the story of the girl in this series.

At the end of the day, I even wonder if I did save your life I mean by coincidence or not.  What would you guys think, when a close person of yours who you truly holds wanted to end their life by forcing them not to take their life by any means necessary, would it be called saving them or maybe we’re just being obsessed that we could not take it if we lose them in such way. It’s like I felt like am I a hero or just egoistic-obsessed person who just can’t let go of a person who wanted to end their life because they’re suffering in this life.

But then, at the other part of me were being glad, glad that I had this beliefs in me. It kind of like open my eyes to another point of view of thinking about things. Made me as a quiet open minded person. I just knew that taking out your own life is just wrong, I mean, if they said they suffer in this life, hey, we all do. No one in this life did not suffer even for a bit. We all do and the thing about it, we just have to face it, find a way to solved it, so it ends, and be ready for another one.

In conclusions, watching this series made me a bit glad that for myself I think I did saved your life and glad that I did the right thing even if sometimes I did it the wrong way. And to anyone who might come across this, these are last things that I would recommend to do :

1. For those who are in the position of the main girl in the series who took her life, you of all people, must moved, search for the right person that would treat and care about you. Find this person that would made you think, he/she could have been the best hope and life that I would’ve ever experience. He/She would be the ray of light in my life, we could grow old, have kids, spent times till the end of the day came. When you find the person who made you felt like this, speak up to them, say what must be said, this is so that you would know that if this person is really the one or not. If not, try again, again, and again. The perfect things doesn’t come easy, rome doesn’t built in a day. Things takes time, take it as much as you need.

We are so happy to be together again. Lost times seems doesn’t take affects on bad side. Yet, it gave us something more to keep holding on each other tighter. The night shows us, we were meant for each other. The way of our thinking, the way we react in this life, and the way we believe on how things work out in this life, it’s all the same. 

I know where this is going. The less we interact, the further the gaps created. It’s just felt empty you know? What’s the purpose of being in a relationship if it feels like it’s not a relationship. No tolerance, no communication. Well, there is a tolerance, there’s also a communication, just that, I felt it’s one-sided. Like, I have to do all of the things. Then if I don’t I’m the one to blame. 

Around 5 PM the message popped on my screen. Saying, “He’s not breathing..”. Me staying calm as possible, “Okay, don’t worry now, I knew this was going to happen sooner or later.” She cried and cried. Thinking that it’s her fault couldn’t be able to save him from the sickness. Lastly I told her again, “Hey, don’t worry, it’s not anybody’s fault. He’s old, and it’s time for him to go. We’ve take care of him as good as we can.” He was so grey. Shining grey. Those coat was a beauty. Who knew I could raise such a rare thing. His name was Hope. He was chosen to be there for us, as a sign that there is hope for every things in this world.  Love you buddy, I pray for your peace in your new life.  As I finish this post,  inside me will always lies your memories and name that I gave you.

After few words send back to her, she asked, “It’s almost a year now since you got a job. Have you planned for the future?” Somehow, these kind of question gives me anxiety. Living the expectation from others. Whereas for me, it’s just doesn’t feel right. Some of you might say, dude he’s your mother. You should make her proud. Bla bla bla. It’s not like I don’t wanted to, or that I don’t respect her. Think about it this way, we were born as yourself. And to be honest, we don’t have a choice to be born or not do we? Nor do we have the option to choose which family we wanted to be born at. Which creates this question inside my head, “Do we have to live our life doing what makes our parents happy? or doing what they told us to do or to be?”.

Okay, back to the memories of the living idiot. What do you think the living idiot look like? Let’s see, if I were to describe the living idiot in person, of course this is my version of the living idiot that I knew at that time. First time knowing, this person is a mystery. Not that mysterious, looks like a kind and heartwarming person. Smiled a lot. I would say the type of person that felt like looking at myself. On the way, the living idiot was as I expected added by few things like smart, super easy-going at the upper times. Makes me goes nuts in the down times. Who wouldn’t be freaked out when an important person in your life just poofed out from your life like it’s nothing. Especially when you don’t have power in control to reach this person.

Mom and Dad weren’t home till evening.  Till we’re done feeding the tortoises, chatting about how funny the world is, even drawing sketches on my drawing books that don’t even make sense when I looked into it these days. As our eyes looked into each others, we’re like sending telepathy. Knewing what comes next.

Two human beings whoever they are, whereever they wanted to be, at somepoint they’ll create a fire. A warm one. The tiny smoke which always came first before was the signs we all need to know that it has begun. Mr.Time was being slow and fast at the right moments. He was so slow when the fire started. And he was kind of fast when it ends.

Mrs. Don

The wildfire was calming down right at the moment a moped engine stopping in the garage. A woman who just came home from work, with it’s working bag, she walked into the house smiling seeing both of us. As if we’re a moodbooster of her tired mind after a long day.  Neither did both of us knew how lonely she was inside.

Mrs. Don was my alarm clock with the same label everytime I visit, “Time to go home”. Home was kinda far if people looked on the map. Not for who thought of it as their second home. When a place was so welcoming, with not a single threat for you, and just stressless vibes. How can one said it’s not home.

I didn’t went back home that ASAP. Usually stayed bit longer just to make sure things are good. Sometimes Mrs. Don offered me dinner also. Not that big family dinner all the time, one person serving food kind. 

The more I visit, the more I think about it. How I’ve never actually met Mr. Don when I was there. Texts from The Living Idiot just as I touchdown home,

“ Dad, just came home tho. You reach home yet? “

Reading it as if Mr. Don was destined not to meet me ever. And that’s a truth. For all the times we spent. I only meet Mr. Don once. First time meeting that’s awkward enough to get us never going to be in a conversation ever. Who in this world would ask to a person where is the moped parking spot when the person you asked drove a car and when the moped parking spot you ask is right next to you. Glad that he just silenced out and I went straight to the moper parking. 

Family Members

Some of us is grateful for having family. Some of us might not. And that’s okay. Because things would go different way for all of us. The chapter which I saw myself goes like a big slapped on my face. 

I thought it was just in a story, where kids couldn’t spend their time with their parents. Being there when Mr and Mrs. Don went to work from morning and back at night, makes me thinking, I am... blessed to have what others don’t have. That is spending time in this case. Same thing goes for The Living Idiot, something I don’t have but The Living Idiot has it. That is spending time at a peaceful home.

Either way, it teaches me to not ever be jealous of what others have that you might not have. None of us in this place called the world, could have ever got anything and everything all at once. One thing that we all can do to makes us have everything is to be grateful. Once you become truely grateful, what you don’t have, people might share it with you. 

I was talking with myself knowing this. “ Now you understand right? ”                                                                                           “ Yeah. I’m sorry. “ “ You’ll be sad if you’re on the The Living Idiot’s shoes right now. “                                                             “ Yeah. Cause I know what it’s like to                                                                            be loved around your parents “ “ Uh huh. All those attentions they gave to you. “

That day ended with a version of me who starts to care more about family. Despite the times they could be stressful too. Just try to make the most of it before it all ends and especially before it’s too late.

I wonder if anyone else knew about The Living Idiot. I couldn’t remember what things are posted there. I’m sure it’s mostly about your feelings and maybe some was talking about the pain you felt and some of good things too.

For me, describing The Living Idiot as a person would be like, 

Short

Fun & Wild

Heartwarming

Challenging

Heartbreaking

Can’t lie about the facts that, this is the start of me being thirsty of having, looking, learning, getting new experiences in life. That moment where I would never be the same as I am before ever again. I learned how it felt so good experiencing things you didn’t know before, despite of the anxiety things going south when it should go north, this kind of feelings makes you feel alive at the most. 

My brain and I, both of us couldn’t take it when The Living Idiot takes us to a new world. No, I would say, The Living Idiot took me by the hand and said,

“Come, let’s create a new playground together for you. I have the blueprints, well some of it. Um.. the rest of it..? Guess we’ll explore it together shall we?”

The Living Idiot struck into my life like a lightning. So fast and loud and cool yet scary at the same time. I had no problem catching up while adding knowledge to my brain archives. The process was so beautiful when I think about it now, even if it’s just a memories I could still felt the moments when it happens. Like having a portrait of yourself inside your mind. Like watching a clip but it’s you.

I wouldn’t make you curious of what kind of memories that I had with The Living Idiot and what things I learned on the process. Sorry, but I won’t be spilling too much details here, that would ruin the emotions for me as I’m typing this right now. But, here’s one of the most thing I loved to learned, 

“ The Living Idiot teaches me how to cook an omelette. “

At that time I’m not that type of person who’s into cooking. But, making an omelette with The Living Idiot was like a grenade on my brain. It freakin explodes when The Living Idiot told me, 

“Now, you pour a little bit milk to the egg on the pan”

I might sound a joke to all of you reading this, but I won’t lie how brainey and I couldn’t process the thing we just saw at that moment. I doubt it would taste great or is it even taste good? 

The Living Idiot does not judge me or wronged me a bit. I guess it’s true and I admit it The Living Idiot is smarter than I am *laugh*. The Living Idiot knew the best way to answer me is to let me taste it by myself. That day, that picture of that exact memories will never fade inside me. The day when I was just a hungry human asking The Living Idiot can we cook something? I was thinking instant noodles and fried eggs the normal way and turns out it was more than I’ve expected. Deep inside me, the thing we all human called heart that felt things which we even don’t know where it’s exactly felt on, I felt sadness but so blessed at the same time. Sadness cause I could never felt it real again.Blessed cause I’m more than glad that I’ve been there. 

I was thinking that I’m going to draw the moments in that kitchen. Guess I’ll updated it soon when the tools are ready. Remind me for this one! 🙄