Renata

I feel like I've been wasting a lot of time existing.

Surely my 13 years old has much more on living and stories and passion. Maybe because she was present, often I thought, or she doesn't know how life supposed to work just yet? still looking for an answer to that.

It's just, my mind couldn't think like it used to, I almost don't know who I am, the concept of myself I used to held into, now faded right before my eyes. It feels like watching a stranger, but the stranger is me, and often that stranger couldn't find any deeper reason towards her own action. Just a profound defensiveness that echoes when she tries to lecture her heart. I don't want to keep swimming on self-pity and engage on self-indulge but I don't feel strong to appear beyond mere. I don't feel ready to approach the world with pretending and great pretension.

I'm not afraid if it's a state that I'm in, but what if this is who I am, the outcome of every adds up, which will continue for a lifetime. I try to fake it a few times, that eventually I'll be able to achieve and make all the things I once wished to come real, which in order to do so I used to force myself into a conversation that doesn't want any connection, shows up in public just to face the floor, but it's harder each day to fake it when the world keep moving so fast, and each time you don't feel like moving with the world, it lefts you with all the curse that causes from your pause.

“This was the trouble with families. Like invidious doctors, they knew just where it hurt.” -  Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things

There is just moment of silent, deep inhale with eyes closed after I lay my eyes on certain sentences. There is a lot of metaphor pour in the writing, which for me works since the two leading character are child and it capture the raw way a child sees the world and anything unfamiliar that turnt unexplainable within it. It's so real because everyone have wanting, and the wanting is so human like, some wanting doesn't have to be grand, some wanting lays in the tip of our tongue, the wants to hurt the one who hurt us, equally and full of impact.

It's painfully obvious that generational trauma, doesn't matter how we want to escape it, we never really could, it was always there, becoming the matter of our action, the defense for our desire.

"Ammu loved her children (of course), but their wide-eyed vulnerability and their willingness to love people who didn't really love them exasperated her and sometimes made her want to hurt them-- just as an education, a precaution."

The variety of character, the way they deal with the wound, but most importantly how close they felt and how it gives a slight of discomfort, which came to my realization, as when you grew up, you began to understand how badly the people in your life has wronged you. That what we thought are creation of the gods, the small things in our life are mere an outcome of human wants. That little bit of interference can create a special effect, it sew one's life into something beyond tolerable, unmeasurable regret, if there is words for it.

But feelings are always beyond words, and therefore any ways to describe it are valid, jus like how this book capture human emotion, full of metaphor that could be pick based on what suits your interpretation the most.

Here final quotation from this book where it also retells glimpse of Mahabharata

SURAT DARI PRAHA

release date : 28 January 2016

director : Angga Dwimas Sasongko

language : Bahasa Indonesia, Czech, and English

Happy Old Year (2020)

ฮาวทูทิ้ง (2020)

The Trial of the Chicago 7 

release date : 11 April 2019

director : Ertanto Robby Soediskam

language : Bahasa Indonesia 

release date : 11 February 2016

director : Joko Anwar 

language : Bahasa Indonesia