Perspicacious

I remember as a little six-year-old girl, I would lay in my bed bargaining with God to help me remain sober through all my years of living.

Feelings of disgust would overpower me when I walked through that sliding door every other Sunday night after returning home from my Dad’s house. The only time she wouldn’t be yelling and irritated is when she had that Bud Light can in her hand. The only time I could have real conversations with her is when she was 5 plus drinks deep. To my dismay, she would never remember the morning after any conversation that I so confidently brought up. Slowly, but surely, I learned that avoiding her all together would be my way of coping with the constant let down of her selfish actions. When I turned 16 she sent me to live with my Dad because she couldn’t handle both me & the feelings of sadness with her divorce. I was both extremely relieved and extremely let down.

This chapter of my life surfaces every time I find myself abstinent from a substance.

This time - it’s alcohol.

22 days sober and I’m feeling proud. I’m finding that I need to acknowledge all of my resentments towards specific individuals. Something I would drink away for the past four years.

I’m learning on my own that addressing all of these resentments and asking myself “why,” I feel these resentments slipping away. I can bring myself to a place of understanding for the other person - And even if I never receive an apology for these resentments I harbor, I can forgive that said person in the sense of letting go of the hurt.

Let it hurt

Let it bleed

Let it heal