friend :)

“your friend has boobs”

I want to set the world on fire

someone not being normal about seeing breasts just tells me they’re a loser and have never been in a relationship

every child should have a specific stuffed animal/toy that they develop an antagonistic relationship with

some of my most significant core memories involved getting into heated arguments with the furby who lived in my closet. essential component of my pre-teen character development. necessary anguish

so what you're gonna do is you're gonna trim the top off a bulb of garlic, using the knife's edge to take off the tip of every individual clove, that's important. you're gonna place the garlic face-up in a square of tinfoil, drizzle with olive oil, wrap completely in foil, place in baking tray, repeat with a copious amount of garlic bulbs. you're gonna put that baking tray in an oven set to 375-400°F, for 30-50 minutes, until soft and browned. you're gonna toast some good bread, slather generously with butter and honey, maybe a tiny lil bit o' salt. and then. you're gonna SQUEEZE. OUT. THAT. ROASTED GARLIC. onto the butter honey toast. and you're gonna eat it. food stolen directly from the plate of the gods. that's what you're gonna do.

To be fair Pokemon element logic is rooted in normal logic.

yeah, everyone knows a wrestlers biggest weakness is the local pigeons

go outside and try to suplex a bird

tell me how bug resists fighting

go outside and try to suplex a bug

World Heritage Post

you're a fool if you take the money: and here's why💡 $200 million sounds like a lot 💵 but smart entrepreneurs know the secret 🙊 to real riches is passive income 👨‍💼 while many might take the money 💰 real innovators will continue to use the orangutan 🦧 let's break it down- yes, you will be $200 shorter than your peers: but that job experience? 👔 not only will that help you stand🧍‍♂️out in interviews- it shows conviction and a desire to grow 🌱 and honestly? that's worth more than $200 million ✨️

The eye doctor is the most fun doctor you can go to. They never steal your blood. They never make you get naked and put on a paper dress. They're just like, "Can you see these letters? It's fine if you can't, we can fix that." And they don't even spell anything.

Every time I go they put me in a chair and they say look into this machine there's a hot air balloon or a farmhouse in there and I do and I'm like you're right I see it and they're like yeah keep admiring that hot air balloon or farmhouse and I do and I'm like this shit's quaint as fuck and then do you know what happens next they attack me they jumpscare me with air directly into my eyeballs and i fall out the chair and they say sorryyyy but they're NOT they wanted this to happen they KNEW about the jumpscare well now I'm wise to it now I know better when I go in and they say look at this bodacious hot air balloon I'm like NO WAY DUDE that balloon wishes me harm have at thee and I attack them and push them on the ground and spit on them