meditations

15. How would you describe your childhood in general?

Good. Healthy. Mmm. Growing up in the Order can be difficult, but that's true for growing up anywhere. Puberty, after all, is a misery for all sentient beings. And in the Order, a child has high standards placed on them, yes, but you always have food to eat, and a warm place to sleep, and caretakers that truly believe you are precious. You have friends to play with and you're educated and you're given the opportunity to succeed, to grow into a mature and compassionate adult.

Many children in the galaxy don't have that luxury. Many grow up as slaves, or are treated as worthless. They suffer and die before they even make it to their tenth nameday. So. For all the talk out there that the Jedi are awful to children, it's good to remember how truly fortunate children brought into the Order are.  

16. What is your earliest memory?

Hard to say. Memories from childhood tend to have interference from the stories we hear and the stories we write as adults. But the one that I'm most sure of took place in one of the gardens at the Temple on Coruscant. I was very young, maybe three or four, and the Knight who took care of my Clan took us out for a walk, as is rather normal. When you're older, you understand that it's a precursor active meditation, but when you're a child, you don't know that.

But, in any case, there we are, in one of the gardens. I remember hearing the water from a fountain. And I remember the moment where – I don't know how to explain it, exactly. The moment where she showed us how to listen. To see. Even for a Miraluka child, who'd been seeing with the Force, it was different. There were so many – threads. Everything to everything else. It was absolutely beautiful.  

17. How much schooling have you had?

A lot. Probably more than I'd like to admit. I was stationed at the Temple for nearly the whole time I was a Padawan, and I had structured classes and study periods. So, let's see. There was the education I received as an Initiate. Basics, you know, about the Force, about our bodies, about fighting, about the things that non-Jedi school children learn, all of that. Then I was apprenticed to Master Iziah Surth, who was a Scholar at the temple. I was eleven, he was in his sixties. I learned from him, and from my teachers who were Healers and Sentinels trained in medicine.

That continued, practically full time, until I was Knighted at twenty-five. Then I had an almost post-apprenticeship apprenticeship, where my first mission was with an older Healer. That was three years. And every day, I continue to learn, to study, about my field, about my body, about my connection with the Force. So, I suppose, I've had about forty-four years of schooling now.

18. Did you enjoy school?

Yes, I always did. A few of the things I learned, I thought were silly when I was learning them (poetry, for one), but I appreciate the great amount of knowledge my teachers offered me as a gift. If I have absorbed just a fraction of that, I will consider myself very fortunate.  

19. Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?

A mix, really. I learned a lot of things from the Order, but also from outside of it as well. Sometimes Healers forget that there's a lot you can do without the Force. Non-Jedi doctors have the ability to heal, to encourage life, to end suffering, all without a strong connection to the Force. When I was in my upper teen years, I spent a lot of time working with non-Jedi who didn't have the financial backing of a Council, and I learned a lot of very ingenious ways of treating a lot of people with very few resources.  

20. While growing up, did you have any role models?  If so, describe them.

I did. A lot, really. My teachers at the Temple, of course. All of them, amazingly intelligent and educated sentient beings. My Master, of course. There was also a doctor, a fem. She was a very resourceful person. Her name was – oh, Erlan, I think? Surname. Everyone knew her as Doc Tu. Brave. Clever. She was the most fearless person I ever met. She was one of the non-Jedi that educated me and a few other young students. She, ah, she died, when I was eighteen, part of the job. There were so many people at her service, I even snuck out of classes for it. Master Surth punished me, of course, but it was some terribly mild chore.  

21. While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?

I suppose Master Surth was the closest thing I had to family, outside of my crechemates. He and I – didn't always see eye to, hah, eye. He's a very wise Jedi, a very intelligent man. Possibly the most intelligent man I know, almost frighteningly so. But his view of the universe is so far removed, so long sighted, that we never could really talk to each other. I know he never really understood me, and I never really understood him, because just how we approach things is so very different. I'd like to believe it was a good learning experience for both of us, I know it was for me, but I often have a hard time reading my Master.

I know he's fond of me, like a son sometimes. I know he protects me, has helped me with a few little projects that I really shouldn't have been given so much room on. I know he's probably doing the same for Scylas at the moment. But we've never had that bond that some Masters and their students share.  

22. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a Jedi Knight, and fight evil throughout the galaxy. Good and evil, and the fight between them, is a lot more simple for a child, even one growing up in the Temple.  

23. As a child, what were your favourite activities?

Mm. I enjoyed reading a lot. Working in the gardens. Lightsaber, training, of course. I picked up and gave my fair share of minor burns with that. I liked a lot of running and jumping and chasing as children do. Sport. Swimming, of course, exploring the grounds, things like that.  

24. As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display?

Stubborn. I was a very, very stubborn child. I suppose I'm still a stubborn adult. I was loud. I laughed a lot, even when it'd get me a few dirty looks from my teachers. A lot of energy. I learned to – hide it, I guess? There's this moment for a lot of Jedi children, I think, were we learn to hide our feelings from our teachers and peers and not really deal with them. I guess that's part of growing up for any child, though.

When I was a teenager, I was a pain, as teenagers often are. I knew better than my masters, I sometimes was angry, hormones do that. Even for Jedi. We're taught how to behave, and we do, but teenagers are teenagers everywhere, even if it's more subtle.

For example, I had a bit of a hard time adjusting to being stuck at the Temple for my Padawan years. My oldest friend, Kren, he got assigned to a Knight that took missions away from the Temple. He came to me, about half a year after I'd been assigned to Surth, and he said something – oh, what did he say? “You know, Sirdio, we can't all go out and be heroes. Some of us just have to stay behind and fight the good fight”.

Oh, I broke his nose. It was a good swing. We both got in so much trouble; I don't think I've ever been more exhausted in my life. Woken up early, chores until we dropped into bed. I was eleven years old, and my back ached.

I tell Kren now that it was still worth it. He agrees because, frankly, he was an ass.  

25. As a child, were you popular?  Who were your friends, and what were they like?

I suppose. I mean, I wasn't a quiet child. And we all knew each other. I had a lot of friends, ah, mostly agemates. We grew up together, studied together, worked together. Most of them are dead. I do keep in contact with those few who are alive: one in the MediCorps, a few who left before being Knighted, a couple Knights, but like I said, many of my age group have already gone on to be one with the Force.  

26. When and with whom was your first kiss?

Friend of mine, Herapa. She was, well, she was a she. Year older than me. I was probably, oh, twelve or so, and we're in one of the gardens in the Temple, and she turns to me and asks if I've kissed anyone before. And I tell her, no, the idea sounds a bit silly, where do you put your nose, where do you put your teeth, where do you put your tongue? So she leans over and puts her open mouth on mine and it was of the most awkward things either of us have experienced.

We gave up because we were both laughing so hard. Turns out, she prefered fems and I prefered males, so it really was doomed to be awkward no matter what.

Sometimes, when she comes back to the Temple – she's a diplomat, you see – I fake a terribly open mouthed yawn for her when we pass each other. She's got a wonderful pazaak face, but she still smiles each time.  

27. Are you a virgin?  If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?

No, I'm not. Not for – well, a very long time. And let me rephrase all that: I don't consider it a loss. It's hard to lose a lack. When I learned maths, I didn't lose my lack of knowledge. I learned. In the same way, when I started being sexually active, I didn't lose anything. I gained experience. And the idea that inexperience is somehow precious or –or pure is frankly just silly. Virginity is something you worry about when you place a – a monetary value on someone's body. It's that thing slave owners look for in their slaves, and sometimes we even call that blasted arrangement marriage and make the people we sell into it more expensive.

Virginity is about the -- the transfer of goods, of living sentient beings, from one person to another. It's about treating people's bodies as goods that are worth more because they have yet to be touched. And I consider it dehumanizing.

So. I won't be answering that question because I don't like how it was asked.

1. What is your full name?

Areliatus Sirdio.  

2.Where and when were you born?

Coruscant, forty-four years ago. Not a very exciting birth, I'm told: my mother came into a partially Jedi-run clinic – the sort that's staffed mostly by non-Jedi, Service Corps members, baby Healers and one or two Knights – so she came into this clinic at the start of her labour. I was born with few complications, and I was given to the Jedi.  

3.Who are/were your parents?

Mmm. I don't know. Both were Miraluka. My mother was clearly away from home. I don't know if my father was as well, or if she conceived me before she left or – or what. About the only thing I know is roughly what population they come from, that there's a few hundred base pairs in one gene in my mitochondrial DNA that I have to watch for mutations and – that's really about it. Oh. It's possibly that one or both or neither of my parents had red hair.

My mother could've been a Seeker, if she was out in Republic space. Or she could've been a refugee or simply one of those Miraluka struck with wanderlust. I don't know.  

4.Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?

I don't know. I've considered the idea that I might have older male siblings, being homosexual, but other than that, I've no idea.  

5. Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people.

At the moment? My living situation has recently changed; I'm currently working in Imperial space, helping to catalogue bacteria and viruses that are endemic to the various areas and have the possibility of becoming epidemics, so I'm living on Dromund Kaas in a small flat rented in Scylas' name, since he's human. I'm rather fond of it, to tell the truth. It's small. One room. Clean. Bright. I've already picked up new plants, natives to the planet, since customs is … difficult, let's say.

And Scylas is – well, he's Scylas. He's a young man, a project, Kren would say, that I ran into when I was working on Nar Shaddaa. He's experienced terrible, horrible abuse, and it – I feel guilt for it. For not being the sort of super-powered being that can fix all things that Jedi sometimes are mistaken for. Scylas is a good man. He just doesn't know who he is often, because who he is has been so – controlled, so torn apart and remade by those who abused him, and, really, by himself. To survive. But Scylas, the actual man, he has a wicked sense of humour. He can be charming. He's vain sometimes, he has a love of fruity soaps and sweet things. And he's – he's frightened. And he's hurt. The things he wants are things like food and security and affection. Clean water. Warmth. Touch that isn't painful. Whatever damage I've done to him in my idiocy, I simply hope that the good things I'm able to do somehow outweigh them.

And, though they're not really people, we have three kittens. Few months old. Da'shara, Atrus and Moffki. Da'shara's named after a character from a romance holo I rather enjoyed. Just a silly little story about a slave who's rescued by a dashing spacer. Not that I would ever tell Scylas that. Atrus is a character from a book I used to read when I was young. Very young. An intelligent, good man, though Atrus is a bit slow in some ways, he's very, very smart in others. He's capable of sensing my and Scy's mood, but especially Scy's. And Moffki is short for “Grand Moff Kitten”. Force-forbid Scylas is ever allowed to name anything else.

I found them on Alderaan. They'd been treated poorly, physical trauma, malnourished. They're a lesson in kindness for Scylas, in doing good and healing. In using his gifts to heal and to – to build up. His experience with the Force has always been horrible. Terrible. Destructive, selfish, cruel. Diseased. Animals like cats are a lot easier to learn with in comparison with animals like humans or miraluka. He's learning empathy, an appreciation for life, and an appreciation for his own capability of being kind.

And they're adorable.  

6. What is your occupation?

I'm a Jedi Healer, though I don't rely on the Force as much as many of my peers do. I'm of the belief that the Force is a wonderful ally in our work, but we should do what work we can using more mundane techniques. I suppose I'm more a Sentinel than a Consular, but my path was largely determined for me based on my easy connection with the Living Force: the Order needed Healers and so while I was certainly never forced, I was guided towards healing.

Right now, as I said, I work in Imperial space as a doctor cataloguing diseases. I report to one of the universities on Kaas as well as one on Alpheridies, and that information is sent back to the Order, though that part isn't, ah, advertised. Imperials check my reports before they go out, so it's honestly not spy work. Just trying to avoid another epidemic like the Rakghoul plague.  

7. Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye colour, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks.

Well. I'm short, about 165 cm. I have a small frame, but I'm a healthy weight and being a Jedi, even one that focuses on more cerebral things, means that I keep myself in shape. I used to be stronger than Scylas, but he's picked up weight, of which I am eternally grateful, and now I simply have to rely on being faster and more devious when we spar. I'm Miraluka, so eye colour isn't – well, isn't involved.. My hair is very, very red. I have a lot of scars, most of them from injuries sustained when I didn't have the concentration and energy to focus on healing past a point where they were no longer life threatening. I have scars of an old burn on my face. Large scar across my left hip and across the left groin where I nearly lost my leg. There's also one on my back, between the shoulder blades that wasn't fun to pick up.  

8. To which social class do you belong?

I'm a Jedi. That's probably it's own social class.  

9. Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?

I suffer from migraines more often than I'd like. Stress triggers them, as does, apparently, being around places saturated with the Dark Side. I don't usually take medication for them, but sometimes I have to because I have a hard time focusing when the migraine is worse than usual. I also have anxiety, unmedicated as well, that's mostly under control. Obsessive and compulsive thoughts as well, again, under control and not medicated for.  

10. Are you right- or left-handed?

Left-handed.  

11. What does your voice sound like?

I've got a Coruscanti accent that I've been told sounds very refined, so that just means I sound like senators and news casters. It's not too hight, not too low. I don't speak loudly most of the time.  

12. What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently?

Mm. Not sure. “Maybe”? “I suppose”?  

13. What do you have in your pockets?

At the moment? A thin container with a few sheets of folded plasti and pen with a few notes to myself. A credit chip. That's about it.  

14. Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?

- Sexualization of the doctor–patient relationship: is it ever ethically permissible?

23:41 IST – There's an inhale of air, muffled, that starts the recording. When Arel speaks, it's garbled (as he's not really moving his mouth) and his breath sounds like wind catching on grass. There's a cool cloth on his face that's distorting his voice and the sound of his breathing.

Migraines are-- Exhale – are worse. Had been better. Waiting on medication to work; meditation difficult at this – Exhale – level.

23:52 IST – The holorecorder picks up again to the sound of shifting. Arel's voice is clearer when he speaks, he's closer to the 'recorder. Another exhale. He clears his throat to talk, but it's still hoarse.

I sent Scy out to pick up dinner. Haven't eaten yet. My stomach's been turning, and I'm not sure if that's because of the migraine or my anger.

Another exhale, long and hopefully centring.

A mix, I think. I had to drop a sample off on Korriban, for a colleague. It was no good for Scylas or me, and that contributed to my foul mood today. And the headaches. Force, the headaches. I haven't had them this bad in –

Exhale.

Well. In a while.

There's the sound of shifting again. A sharp intake of breath through his teeth.

My anger isn't helping. Master Tormin's rape of his Padawan came up again. It was that chatty boy, Jude, he brought it up. I'd hoped leaving Republic space for awhile would give me distance from such things. Peace through work, where I'd have a chance to sort through my own feelings regarding the matter.

And I am angry. I – An exhale through his nose, then the sound of creaking. Furniture. He's moving again. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless. I feel frustrated. I feel angry. He'll do it again. I know he will. Statistically speaking, it's – almost certain. I doubt that he understands why what he did was wrong. And so he'll keep making that mistake.

The next time, it will be my fault, because I didn't stop it. Some other young woman is going to suffer because I – I don't know what to do.

A low noise of pain. Readjusting again, fabric slides against fabric.

I don't know what to do. When I spoke with one of his students a few weeks back, a young woman – A snort – of course, she thought I was the one out of line. I don't want it forgotten, but if I'm the one to bring it up, I'm somehow doing something wrong. I've been told not to judge, even. I don't understand.

Am I supposed to sit by and wait for it to happen again? Because the Council 'dealt with it'?

How do I do the right thing?

Jude brought up my own sexual activity, or what it appears to have – Mm. What his perception of it is. My 'humping buddies as a friendly gesture'. At least the 'handshake' bit didn't come up again.

Exhale, whistling almost.

I wish I hadn't admitted being sexually active. I don't enjoy that part of my life being public. I hadn't realized how twisted, how it would – A puff of air – I don't know. I don't understand, well, a lot of things lately.

I hadn't even thought it would be a problem, or I never would've mentioned it.

These days, I don't know why I'm – I'm still a part of the Order. I've seen Jedi, Masters, even, do things that I... I don't approve of. At all. Things that are wrong. This taking advantage of a student. The interrogation. The violence.

I could do good work outside of the Order. The same work I do now, just without the 'saber or the title. And I don't use my 'saber often. The title would be harder to give up, as I've used that.

I asked for this assignment because being with other Jedi tended to make me feel ill. I could – I don't know.

He speaks carefully, picking each word, thinking it over and checking it before he speaks.

I don't – I don't want to feel, some days, that the Order I see now is the one I was raised to serve. I don't wish to be roped up with the Jedi I see now.

Exhale.

I don't know what to do. Some days I feel the Council keeps poor Jedi just to keep them from the Sith. It makes me wonder if I'm one of them. Do I have reports on me? Is it a point system? If this war ends when I'm still alive, will they ask me to leave?

I'm exhausted. Scylas, he – he's doing worse than before his Sith found him, but he's improving. I wanted him to stay on Tython. Safe. But I mentioned the possibility of him seeking treatment.

He chuckles. It's not a happy sound.

I didn't want to be there for it. When the Healers see what a mess I've made of his mind and mine, I – I didn't want to be there, like a child hiding from a mistake. But no, the mention of treatment, of somehow undoing what we've done, made him panic. He barely lets me out of his sight, but for work.

And to tell the truth, I'm not eager to leave him alone. I worry that the Sith will find him. I worry about him being alone with himself.

I just – I remember on Nar Shaddaa. That – the gathering, the –

Another exhale.

I don't know what to do. He hums softly, the volume changes. He's turned his face away from the 'recorder. There's a silence that's just short of causing the 'recorder to shut off automatically, then,

Scylas will be home soon with dinner. I'll eat. I'll bathe. I'll sleep. And I'll wake up in the morning to meditate and exercise, to eat and bathe again. And then I'll go in and do my work. That it was I'll do.

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19:32 CST -The recording focuses in on Areliatus, who is apparently sitting at a desk covered in careful, precise stacks of flimsi except for one corner, where three tiny, fuzzy bodies are nuzzled into each other on a nest of an old shirt. He smiles, fingers tracing the line of a short spine as one of the kittens uncurls.

Scy has taken to them better than even I could've hoped, Atrus especially. It's been a great pleasure to watch him reach out and soothe them through the Force, to watch his own happiness of their simple delight in him caring for them. After so many awful things the lad's seen Force users do, I thought it would be best to have him use his gift constructively in such a way that the results would be morally uncomplicated.

He chuckles as Da starts gnawing on his fingers, half asleep.

He's developing a sense of empathy that doesn't have to do with his own survival. Seeing that he can ease the fear of living things not involved in the bond is ...

He trails off, smiling, then rises from his chair.  

19:54- Scylas had a party of some sort to go to on Voss. Imperial, but if I know Voss, there would be Jedi. We're incapable of staying out of things.

He chuckles, rifling through a few pages of flimsi as if looking for something. He pulls out a sheet, fingers tracing a column of data.

Says the one who's in Imperial space now. In any case, Scy is out for the evening, and I haven't decided if I'm grateful for the quiet or put off by his absence. A little of both, I suspect. It's been awhile since I've been around someone so much, and Scy -- chatters. Sometimes, it's as if he's afraid of silence. He's gotten better. 

Arel pauses thoughtfully, fingers still at the datapad. 

Or perhaps I have. It isn't just Scy, after all, who has seen a change in himself.  

20:46 - When the recorder picks up again, Arel's seated at the desk with a mug of something steaming. Moffki is sleeping against his arm, and his one ear twitches as Arel starts to speak again.

I've been thinking a lot lately, on the Code and my adherence to it. Part of this assignment was to give me the time to do such, away from other members of the Order.

Arel taps long fingers against ceramic, stubby, shredded nails making deadened click-click-clicks.

I have knowingly broken several tenets. But I do not feel regret or that I am in need of rehabilitation. I have followed the spirit of the Code, if not the letter of it.

My suffering occurred when I attempted to be deaf to the will of the Force and to follow, without thought, the Code. I felt fear, I felt frustration, I felt guilt. Here I had formed an external loyalty. I had formed an attachment other than a training bond, far worse than any other such bonds I'd formed with prior patients. Fear was my greatest motivator: the fear of hurting Scylas, of destroying him, of being found out. And so I fell back on the Code as a crutch, not using it as a tool to help me understand my relationship with the Force. I was dishonest. 

I am not now. Perhaps I am in the wrong in disobeying these tenants, but I would be guilty of a far greater sin if I ignored the Force for my own gain. Scylas would not have the progress he's made if I had continued pushing him away. 

The small man sighs, expression pained even without eyes. He's quiet for a moment, then,

I watch him. When he doesn't know that I am. The benefit of no eyes. He hunches over his food, he gulps down clean water, he -- 

Arel has to stop again, to search for a word. His throat works around something unsaid, an emotion he can't really verbalize.

When I touch him, when I touch his face, or his arm, he laps it up. The man's been treated so -- so poorly, he sees normal human touch as a luxury. Food is a luxury. I don't know all the details, but it's clear he's been abused. Terribly abused. He won't let others touch him. He panics at -- 

He combs his fingers through his hair, frustrated.

At the thought of me leaving. Of me using him. When Master Book went through that poor girl's head, I couldn't believe the amount of work she'd undone. There's so much damage. So many fragile pieces that are only starting to heal. 

He exhales, hands folded on the desk in front of him. Speaking of Master Book, she and Master Tormin appear to be engaging in something. As long as he’s not touching another student, I don’t care who he beds. A pause. Arel is still for a moment. I just hope it keeps them both away from doing damage. I don’t need to hear about another student taken advantage of, or, or another misuse of the Force. I can't keep seeing Jedi acting like this, not without growing disillusioned. Another pause, then a laugh. More disillusioned.

They were talking to the one with all the hair on his 'saber hilt.

He smiles crookedly, a hand absentmindedly rubbing Moffki's stomach. 

documentation for "Arel Venn" obtained and checked: birth certificate (province 18, "Leern", Alpheridies), Imperial passport (status: educated alien, tested: Force sensitive, too low for Academy), doctoral degree in medicine from capitol university, Imperial medical certification test completed with high-average marks

3X set of immunizations for domestic pet (feline): Hutt Space, Imperial Space, Republic space (First round)

1X set of immunizations for Miraluka: Imperial space (Third round)

1X set of immunizations for Human: Hutt Space, Imperial Space, Republic Space (second round)

Instructions logged with Order re: possible death. Personal letters logged for "S. Qwynn", "T. Lociuro", "I. Surth", "B. Kren", "K. Roth". 

Cultural modules 7.A-8.T completed

Contacted Sentinel stationed in the area.

Transport of samples arranged.

Prelim info

Secure frequency set up

Papers for Lunar Ion updated, received back up documentation.