How the fuck do I top that shit? Start jumping outta planes? The goddamn drugs don’t even work anymore. My vagina has sealed up. Would the next exciting thing be to just simply submit to the mundane and get regular sleep?

My professor: “I don’t know about all that. Go confirm with Shen.”

“To be fair, whose family isn’t in a religious death cult”

“I guess most of modern civilization is but has anyone ever stopped to think how grossly morbid that shit is? Having to see the artificial preservation of the dead only to be dumped into a crematory? I guess I’ve been exposed to death more than the average person and earlier than most have had to encountered and I think that is what makes me fucked”

“I’m not sure if I got it in me to entertain a 4th funeral at this point of my life. Maybe for my parents? Yeah, no. Fuck that. I’m sorry mom and dad I love you but I don’t want that self-inflicted trauma ever again. Especially when it comes to them.”

They said you only feel pressure because of fear. But you only feel pressure because it’s the sensation from the weight of expectations. The expectation that you can do better. You should do better.

Do you understand how hard I fought to be here? To sit in the rumble of the mess I made? Was it intentional? Or was it because I was willing to be brought to my knees so I could remember the strength I possessed in my body to pick myself up and hurdle her to astounding heights?

None of this makes sense to you right now. They think it was a reckless mistake, a negligent act, but that’s the natural process of stochasticity. What is a glimmer of chaos structurally formed in grand order.

What is she even saying. Perhaps I am rehearsing theatrics in front an undiscerning audience, performing a play to those who’ve never seen a Phoenix.

Look, if I fucked up a single failed experiment, it would look like I was a fool. If I focused on every time I failed a cell culture, it may look like I don’t know what I’m doing. And that’s because they are solely the observers and not the student.

So they criticize you because they want to teach. Surely it comes with good intentions but their mistakes are not your lessons to learn.

God damnit, I did my first race weekend so I could learn and that’s all the room I was asking for myself. Surely I could’ve been more prepared but it took me not being prepared to learn where my deficits were. And that much I was allowing myself to discover and take note of.

You said I’m riding under pressure and that’s why I’ve crashed. You’re the same person who’s giving me shit that I should’ve been more prepared when it was my first race. I showed up and did five races that weekend despite crashing the day before and running on no sleep. i still took mental note of everything and committed to my intent of this being a learning experience and finished all my races. I wasn’t even here to win, I was here to learn.

They push you and push you and tell you to take the leap. But when you don’t land the dismount gracefully, they tell you maybe you shouldn’t have jumped. I tell them I needed to jump so I could learn to land on my feet and the next fucking time I’m jumping?

I’m going to fly.

Say, say, my playmate

Won't you lay hands on me

Mirror my malady

Transfer my tragedy?

Got a curse I cannot lift

Shines when the sunset shifts

When the moon is round and full

Gotta bust that box, gotta gut that fish

My mind's aflame

We could jet in a stolen car

But I bet we wouldn't get too far

Before the transformation takes

And blood lust tanks and

Crave gets slaked

My mind has changed

My body's frame, but, God, I like it

My heart's aflame

My body's strained, but, God, I like it

My mind has changed

My body's frame, but, God, I like it

My heart's aflame

My body's strained, but, God, I like it

Charge me your day rate

I'll turn you out in kind

When the moon is round and full

Gonna teach you tricks that'll blow your mind

Mongrel mind

Baby doll, I recognize

You're a hideous thing inside

If ever there were a lucky kind, it's

You, you, you, you

I know it's strange another way to get to know you

You'll never know unless we go so let me show you

I know it's strange another way to get to know you

We've got till noon, here comes the moon

So let it show you

Show you now

Dream me, oh dreamer

Down to the floor

Open my hands and let them

Weave onto yours

Feel me, completer

Down to my core

Open my heart and let it

Bleed onto yours

Feeding on fever

Down all fours

Show you what all that

Howl is for

Hey, hey, my playmate

Let me lay waste to thee

Burned down their hanging trees

It's hot here, hot here, hot here, hot here

Got a curse we cannot lift

Shines when the sunshine shifts

There's a curse comes with a kiss

The bite that binds the gift that gives

Now that we got gone for good

Writhing under your riding hood

Tell your gra'ma and your mama too

It's true, true, true, true

We're howling forever, oh, oh

We're howling forever, oh, oh

We're howling forever, oh, oh

We're howling forever, oh, oh

will They do right by me?

Will Justice ultimately prevail

despite the face of Deceit?

Because motherfuckers be lying,

but not on my honest watch.