Imagine going to eat a HAM with your boyfriend that you FORGOT and his HUSBAND and you don’t even know that you tried to kill your ceo’s DAUGHTER and your friends had to eat a MELON at your funeral because they had no BODY to bury

Kier Eagan be like “No guys that wasn’t me you saw jacking off in the woods, it was my evil twin brother”

ok i’ve washed my hair and put on a big t shirt there is no mental illness in this body

I’ve seen this new trend of girls posting videos like “I hate my boyfriend for bringing all of his stupid boy things into our apartment when we moved in together 🙄” and then pictures of his hot wheels collection or a Halloween skeleton or an extremely cool pirate flag. Give him to me you do not deserve him.

Especially when she shows it juxtaposed against her decor which is all like beige lampshades and live laugh love signs

tbh if someone just handed me a pressure washer and set me loose in the streets i would go into a trance and just start hosing shit down indiscriminately. it's not a question of how much i could clean, but how long until i get hit by a car and die

I'm living for all these "Bucky fell in love with Captain America twice" posts however all I can think of is Bucky saying it and Sam being like "Omg I never knew you felt that way about John, I gotta go tell him"

Idk why but villains with standards will always be the funniest thing to me. like you’ll get someone who will take absolute pleasure in doing the most vile things but paying their minions less than minimum wage? how dare you insult their honor. there’ll be a guy who just loves terrorizing people but if you say something sexist about his sidekick he’ll punch you in the throat and step aside with glee to let her pummel you. villains who are like “murder is fine generally but if you’re a homophobe then I’ll tie you to a boulder and catapult you into the ocean”. Idk there’s just something innately hilarious about a villain who is very definitively bad, like extremely morally reprehensible, but like there are just certain things that even they won’t stoop to, thereby implying that those who do are worse