sola gratia

The tree outside my door blooms ridiculously in the spring and is bare and thin like guitar strings in the winter. So barren that I wonder if anything could possibly grow from it again.

But by the time summer rolls around, I’ve forgotten this and marvel at the chorus of bees hidden behind the leaves. I can’t see them, only hear them. In the delicate light of the summer mornings, I see spiders resting in the middle of their intricate webs between the branches. I have time to study while Maya wrestles her shoes on. “We have to go!” I say, with a tote bag and a lunch bag and a bag for her blanket and her backpack and my purse straining my shoulders.

By the end of day, I sometimes see remnants of the web if I remember to look.

Hi there,

I don’t know your story or the circumstances of this relationship... but it sounds... hard. It won’t get better in marriage, if anything, it will be amplified. If you’re tired now, you’ll be even more tired later. 

I’ve actually never experienced this while dating or in marriage with Daniel (though I don’t know if this is an accurate scale, it’s simply my experience), so unfortunately, I don’t have much insight or advice on that :/ 

I touch my stomach. My stomach, pulsing only with my breath and my own heartbeat. I breathe in, out, and feel my hand move like waves in the ocean. 

We’ve been in talks about when it is a good time to start trying to have a child. A terrifying concept, as I’m still- in many respects - a kid trapped in a 27-year-old body. My mom was a year younger than me when she had her first child.

Mom was someone before she was mom. 

The carpet scratches the back of my arms as I lay on the floor. The late-afternoon sun dims before my eyes, slowly cooling into evening. I wonder what you’ll look like. What your laugh will sound like. If you’ll have a crooked jaw like me. If you’ll have your father’s gentle heart or arched feet. Will you be kind? Quiet? Adventurous? Brave? Would I be able to protect you? Would I be able to raise you with joy and grace? 

Will I have a healthy view of my body to show you that your own body doesn’t dictate your worth? Will I be able to model that beauty isn’t skin deep or weighed by how many pounds you carry? Will you have a voice that is strong and unapologetic?  

My hand moves with my breath. 

Lord, You know this daughter, this son more than they know themselves. We know that You are the God who finishes what You start. When You begin to write a story, You don’t abandon it halfway. We remember this when our thoughts begin to loosen. We remember this when the noise gets to be immobilizing. We remember when we feel stuck, that we are a work in progress. And that when You raised us from the dead, You raised us with hope — with a heart of flesh and not a heart of stone. A heart that is living, not one that is stagnant and lifeless. And that You sit with us in the mess. 

I’ll contemplate his beauty; I’ll study at his feet. That’s the only quiet, secure place in a noisy world | Psalm 27:4-5 (MSG) 

I pray for His peace over you. I pray that you experience a different facet of His love for you today. I pray for you to be overwhelmed with His grace over you. You’re allowed to make mistakes. It’s a process. Be kind to yourself.  

I hadn’t realized how much I needed to hear that from someone until she said it to me. Her eyes unwavering from mine as I told her what I feared to say aloud. “I hate him. If I had a gun, I’d want to shoot him with it,” I said of him. Of my own blood. Sincere in my rage, but tempered by the embarrassment. How could I desire murder upon someone I had - for so many years said I had - forgiven? How could I profess that I loved God, while dually desire actual, physical pain upon someone I’m supposed to love?

I looked down at the coffee cooling in my hands. Debating whether or not this was too much to tell my dear friend at 7 AM. What was supposed to be a cheery catch-up, turned into me spilling my heart on the faux-wood tables in a busy bagel shop. When I look up, I see her eyes brimming with tears. “Heidi, I’ve been angry for a long time.”

My throat tightens. My heart unravels.  

She goes on to say how she’s been angry since I had told her about the abuse. But, she had held her tongue because I quickly ramified it by saying, “But I forgive him.” In my own process, I had not yet discovered anger. For her to be enraged would have left me defending the very person who had threatened to derail my life.

But here, here in the bagel shop near the university we had met at, with smoothies being made in the backdrop and early morning customers getting their breakfast during their commutes, we began to cry. In her presence, I felt known and loved. Protected and valued.

When I told my mom that I wanted to get married to Daniel, she told me to wait. She said that in marriage, you’ll have to “fold your dreams” for the sake of his dreams...and she didn’t want that to happen to me. As a bright-eyed 22-year-old, I didn’t quite understand what that meant. At almost-27 now, I’m starting to see what that saying means. 

I get it. With Daniel in school, I have to view my own timeline in the parameters of motherhood and when Daniel will start making money. “When I’m about 35, I’ll be able to do something... our future kids will be old enough and I could go back to school!” 

It’s heartbreaking. It’s beautiful. It’s frustrating. It’s death to myself for his. It’s the definition of delayed gratification. It’s covenant. 

I’ve felt the resentment. I’ve felt it wash over me and dump me onto the shore. I’ve felt it suffocate me at night and make my shoulders cold to my husband -- who is actually suffering through this too. I often forget that he’s working hard, he’s sacrificing in his own way, he’s got a buttload of pressure on his back. I forget that he’s not doing this for him, he’s doing it for God. For our family.

I feel that I am able to fight the bitterness when I uproot the anxiety that I’m facing. Whether it’s financial or my career, I am able to be grateful and support my husband when I remember that my security isn’t in my “calling,” our bank account or where we are in life. It isn’t even in my husband, who I love so much. It is in God alone, and I trust Him because He’s led me this far. I know that there will be a day when I’ll be able to do my own thing. It’ll look different, but the sacrifices that Daniel is making in these beginning years of our lives together will allow me the freedom to pursue what I want to do... even if that means it’s in 7-10 years. 

Calling isn’t something you find in your 20s or even your 30s. Your calling is for a lifetime. We’ll spend our whole lives living for God. 

Hi friend. I read your message a while ago. To be honest, I didn’t know what to write that didn’t sound… shallow or cliche, so I thought of you - whoever you are, wherever you are. I often thought about you when I was driving, or sitting in silence. I thought of you when I was making plans, and when I was spending the night in… Today, I did nothing and my thoughts took me back to you. I wonder what the rest of your story is like. Maybe you’ll tell me one day. 

From what I can gather is that… you’ve recently graduated from college, which is both a wonderful and terrifying thing. Friends that were friends out of convenience (similar classes, similar interests… similar ministries) fade out, and you’re left feeling isolated. Maybe you have been alone, maybe you’ve kept people at a distance… In any case, this time in your life strips you naked and turns on the fluorescent lights. 

I struggle with loneliness too. It comes in like a tide, whether or not I’m surrounded by people. Whether or not my husband is home. Several years ago, when I was in a similar situation where I didn’t have friends (I was in a possessive/emotionally abusive relationship that isolated me from people, but that’s a story for another time), I cried out to God and straight up told Him, “God. Dad. I don’t have any friends… I need a community.” And as crazy as it sounds, He just… sent these amazing women my way. I think God loves giving us gifts – especially gifts of friendship. In addition to a random flood of women He sent to me, He started opening my eyes to people who had been there all along. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: You are not alone in feeling lonely. I struggle with it too, and I know for a fact many people do as well. Some people are just better at hiding it or stuffing it behind a facade. 

It’s hard connecting with people because people tend to walk around with painted faces and shields up. Christians are humans too, and often times, we’re the most broken ones. 

Secondly, it is not cliche to say this: But, pray for it. Pray for friendships. Pray for genuine connections. We were made for this. It’s not strange to desire friendships. I know God will happily send wonderful people your way. We weren’t meant to do life alone. DM me if you want to chat more! 

And lastly, when I started to embrace the facts that I am weird, I am dramatic, I am melancholic, I’m nervous, prone to sweat, prone to tell stupid stories that have no point… I am prone to feeling isolated… vulnerable – all these unattractive qualities that flesh me out, I started to love myself. And when I started to love myself – even whilst naked under fluorescent lights – I started to love other people. And when you love other people, it’s easier to connect with them. Flaws and all. 

I hope this helps, friend. You’re not alone. And if you’re not ready to come out from that dark place, I’ll come climb in there with you… cus I know those walls well. I’ll bring a pillow and some coffee. (or tea, if you’re a heathen) 

Hey friend, first off, it’s important to note here that you recognize the quality of the relationship isn’t as rich and healthy as you want it to be. You have that desire and you see that. So, while you have the choice to enter into certain relationships... I am confident you’ll end them when you feel it’s run its course or isn’t matching up to your values. Right? 

With that in mind, that doesn’t quite answer the other question at hand: Will I find someone who is on the same page as I am? Is there someone even in the same library? Has that page even been written?? AM I CELIBATE? 

You’re asking this question, so no you’re not meant to be celibate or a nun (or monk?). Only God knows the name of your future partner, and I’m confident He’s guiding him (or her?) through life. In the meantime, it’s our job to pursue God and be wholly satisfied in Him, so that WHEN that person comes... you will be prepared spiritually and emotionally to love the gift that God has placed in your life. 

You’re single for a reason right now. It’s not because of your personality or your face, because I’m confident that you have a wonderful heart and have a beautiful face, However, maybe it’s time to see this season of solitude as an opportunity to be the person ready for the person on the other side? Learn to love yourself, and love the lonely. Which is hard. as. eff. But, I think that when you learn to love yourself and be okay with being alone, it tends to attract other people who are on that level as well. That way, you won’t be soul-sucking parasites in quasi-dead-end relationships. You’d instead be healthy individuals ready to do this marathon of life together. God loves you enough to let you journey through that before you meet your partner. 

If I had met Daniel even a year before I met him... I wouldn’t have been ready. I wouldn’t have been emotionally ready to step into this adventure with him. Thank GOD I met him at the time I did, because I was finally understanding what self-respect, self-love and the value of solitude meant. He probably wouldn’t have given me a second thought before. Does that make sense?