don't wait for me

Arden was so glad to have Cory back in her life, to be back in the family that she had grown to love and feel like was her own. She smiled at Cory when she opened the door, leaning in to her girlfriend’s kiss on the cheek. “Hi, beautiful,” she greeted in reply, a grin on her face until she pulled away and could see how red Cory’s eyes were. Her hand went to the other girl’s cheek, a look of concern crossing her face. “What’s wrong?” She asked her. They hadn’t been seeing much of each other because of Cory’s mom being in town. She knew that Cory didn’t want them to meet and Arden respected that, keeping her space. But she knew that it was making things hard around here for everyone with the older woman here. She moved her other hand up to Cory’s other cheek, before leaning in and gently kissing Cory’s forehead. “Is it hard having your mom around?” 

Cory shook her head but leaned into her girlfriend’s touch when her hand was placed on her cheek. She didn’t respond, covering her hand with Cory’s to have her hold her a little longer. At Arden’s second question, she pulled the hand that she was holding down to their sides, folding their fingers together. She pulled away a moment later and pulled the girl inside before sighing. “She left,” she said quietly as she took her over to the living room. “Eva’s still here, though.” She glanced in the baby’s direction with a small smile before looking back at Arden with a small bout of nervousness. “Would you like to meet her?” she asked, taking her hand out of the other’s before she sat down on the couch. 

“Shut up,” Em muttered, knocking his shoulder into Cory’s but then grinning at her. This was a shitty situation, another thing unfairly put on Cory’s shoulders, on all of their shoulders, but Em couldn’t help but look down at the baby with adoration. She was perfect. He carefully took her out of Cory’s arms, holding her gently in his own, and remembering when Jackson was this little. He was old enough to realize how fucked up that situation was, how their parents had just dropped off this new baby for them to take care of, but they were all kids themselves. Technically, anyway. Cory never really got to be much of a kid. “We gotta keep her,” he said, not knowing what Cory was thinking other than being upset about the situation. But now that she was here, she was family. She was all of theirs, and she wasn’t going anywhere - Em felt protective over this tiny little girl already. “She doesn’t - shit, she doesn’t deserve to be fucked up by our parents like we all were.” 

Cory took a deep inhale of breathe before slowly letting it out when Emmett spoke. Everything in her was screaming how much she didn’t want this, how much she didn’t know if she’d be able to do it, but she knew that her brother was right. Looking at the little girl, he shoulders slumped slightly and her head was already nodding in agreement before she even thought about it more. Putting the empty bottle in the sink, she looked back at Emmett. “I know she doesn’t. It’s not her fault.” And that’s what she had thought each time she used to take care of her brothers, even now. None of this was her fault even if at times all she did was feel anger towards her life. None of this was her fault, either, and she just had to keep telling herself that. “Just-” she put her hand on Emmett’s shoulder. “Just promise me you won’t let this fuck your life around. I need you to do what you have to do.” He was very adamant earlier that he was going to help, and frankly, she was going to want it even if she wouldn’t accept it at first, but she wanted to make sure that he promised he wasn’t going to get stuck in this loop. She wanted that for everyone. 

Em glanced up at Cory’s face and could see the tear streaks on her face, and understood everything she was feeling. Cory had to grow up so young, had to be a mother and father to all of them, and just as they were all getting old enough that she was finally able to have her own life again, she was being forced to start over with a new baby. He heard her quiet words about their mother, and he couldn’t help but agree. None of them even stood a chance in this world with the parents they had, and if it weren’t for Cory, who knows where they would have ended up. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to the side of Cory’s head, before looking back down at the baby in her arms. “I know you do,” he said quietly. He wished more than anything that he could change the cards that Cory had been dealt. He was about to open his mouth to speak again, when Cory started to try to brush him off like she always did. He immediately shook his head before she had even finished speaking. “Don’t try that shit with me right now, Cor,” he told her, his tone serious. “You aren’t the only grown up around here anymore. I’m not going to let you do this alone.” He knew that she never wanted him to have to grow up as quickly as she had to, never wanted him to have to sacrifice things in his life the same way she did, but that wasn’t going to fly anymore. He wasn’t going to abandon her and let her take on a newborn baby all by herself. Not again. He didn’t know what the solution to this was right now, but as he looked down at the tiny baby in her arms and she stared back up at him with big eyes, he knew that he was already a goner. He loved her already. “She kind of looks like you,” he said quietly, thoughtfully.

Any other time, hearing Emmett talk to her like that might’ve made her angry. She was angry, hearing those words. It was unexpected coming from him to hear him sound so serious and that was why she didn’t want to argue back. Of course she didn’t want to do this alone and she never was alone, because of Emmett, and now realizing with Arden. She just never wanted anyone to take on her responsibilities that she was given, not when they don’t ask for it. But she stayed quiet, knowing that no matter what it’ll be a battle, but right now, she could accept the seriousness of her brother. Cory was always able to count on him. She just wished that she didn’t have too. Hearing his comment, she looked back down at the baby, seeing that the bottle was near empty. Placing it on the counter and still rocking her, she scrunched her face slightly at the comparison. “Really? I was thinking that she looks more like you at this age. Ugly.” Her words were teasing, but one of her earliest memories of her brother was her calling him that, being upset that she was no longer the one and only in their parents lives, but instantly falling in love with him and having a best friend for the rest of her life. She laughed quietly and looked up at him. Remembering that moment and having Evangeline here almost felt the same and she was thinking it might not be the worst to have another Blake around. It turned out pretty great the other times. She sighed and held her out to him to hold. “She’s definitely a Blake.”  

Emmett had been uneasy with their mother in the house, with her showing up out of the blue with a new baby sister, making promises that no one believed. Her barely spoke to her, feeling like he was walking on eggshells with the effort it took him to avoid having conversations he didn’t want to have, and any affection she tried to show him he immediately brushed off. After everything she had done, every promise she had broken, every time he had had to take care of her, he was completely closed up around her. Not to mention he’s been closed off to everyone lately, after what happened with Charlie. He was having the feeling that maybe being so open with his heart wasn’t a great thing. It seemed he just kept getting himself hurt, with no one to blame except himself. 

When he woke up that morning, it felt like the energy in the house completely shifted. Something was different, and he had a feeling he knew exactly what it was as he walked downstairs. Looking into the kitchen, he saw his sister - both his sisters. Cory hadn’t heard him behind her, because he heard what she said to the baby in her arms. “She left,” Emmett stated from the kitchen doorway - not really asking the question, because he already knew the answer. He stepped closer to the two girls, looking down at the baby in Cory’s arms. She didn’t deserve the same life that they all had. He reached over to run his hand gently over Evangeline’s hair, his thumb brushing her cheek. “What are we gonna do?” 

Cory stopped her crying when she heard Emmett’s voice behind her, but the tears were still rolling down her face as she looked over at him. She sighed quietly, inwardly screaming, but made herself become composed. As he walked near them, she looked back down at the baby in her arms, looking content now that she was being fed and held and just shrugged her shoulders at his question. Truth is, she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want this, didn’t want the responsibility of a baby on top of everything else going on in this house. It was too much for her to handle now. The thought of her and Arden talking about her getting her GED and going back to school was already slipping away. She was afraid for Emmett leaving school if this decision was made, knowing that he was going to want to stay and help out as much as he could. She didn’t want the life she had to be put on someone else’s shoulders. That was when she was feeling anger more than anything. This shouldn’t have been put on her to begin with. 

“I don’t know, Em.” The thought of adoption was there. But she knew that putting this little baby into the system was going to do much for her, knowing that it wasn’t an easy process to begin with. The Blake’s were all about family and being close and how important it was to have each other, she hated herself for even thinking of getting rid of girl in her arms, but it was all that she wanted to do in the moment. “I hate her,” she finally said quietly. Cory didn’t think that she ever said it out loud. Her feelings towards her mother were always nonexistent. She never really had a mother. But this time, she did have feelings towards the woman and it was hatred. Everything in her was screaming to reject the fate that she was being dealt with. She stayed quiet for a moment, listening to the baby eat. Finally, she looked up at her brother and gave a close-lipped smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “I’ll figure it out, Em. Don’t worry about it.” 

Waking up to hearing the cries of her baby sister, Cory stayed where she was in bed for a few minutes, hoping that her mom would get up to take care of it, but as moments passed and nothing seemed to end the crying, her gut feeling took hold. She sat up in bed and started crying herself, she couldn’t even wipe the tears away from her eyes, she cried so hard. She shouldn’t have let the woman into their house, doing what she does best, dropping off all her responsibilities at the door and walking out. The crying got louder and that was when Cory made herself get composed quickly. There was no way she could do this again, not for the fifth time, but right now, there was no one else to do it. She tied her hair up as she walked down the stairs, seeing the crying baby in an old baby bed that the mom must’ve taken out of storage at some point. Walking over, all she could feel was caution and hesitancy. Not wanting the crying to wake up anyone else in the house, she finally picked up the girl, tears rolling down her own face again, and started rocking her, walking to the fridge where she knew her food was kept, and with one hand, got it ready. It had been so long since Cory had to do this, but it was oddly routine for her, familiar. She hated it. “I don’t want this, Eva,” she sadly said to the child who now had the bottle in her mouth. 

Arden kept her eyes on Cory, despite the tears welling up in her eyes. She had a choice to make, and the decision felt obvious. She missed Cory like a limb, she wanted everything to be back to normal, she just had to get past this mental block that was preventing her from forgiving. Slowly, as if approaching a wild animal, she stood up and kneeled on the ground in front of Cory. She knew how hard it was for the other girl to be vulnerable, to communicate in this way, and a good part of Arden just felt grateful that she was opening up. Slowly, her hands shaking, she reached forward and took Cory’s hands in her own. “Then don’t make me feel that way anymore,” she whispered, looking up at Cory’s face. She raised one of Cory’s hands to her lips, pressing a lingering kiss on the back of her knuckles, before hesitantly looking back up at the brunette. “I miss you.” 

Cory’s eyes followed Arden as she got up and walked over towards her. She wiped the tears out of her eyes so she could clearly see the woman in front of her, her arms feeling restless from missing her so much. When their hands met, Cory let out a shaky breath, looking down at them before meeting Arden’s gaze once more. “Arden-” She paused and squeezed her hand. “I don’t want to make you feel that way anymore,” she told her, moving her eyes back and forth between the girl’s. Her unsaid words were that she was afraid it was going to happen anyways and that fear will always be there, unfortunately. But as she looked at Arden, seeing this girl in front of her giving her a chance that she knew she doesn’t deserve, she had to stop letting that fear keep getting in the way. “I won’t,” she finally said. Cory wanted to sound more confident in those words, but her voice broke lightly at the end. “You’re apart of this family.” And there was no question or doubt in those words, there never was. 

Arden flinched slightly when Cory yelled her words, but then she kept talking, and Arden felt the tears fall down her cheeks. “You made me feel like I lost my family again,” she said, her voice coming out cracked. “Like-like an outsider, when I was considering you my family.” She sat on the couch again, elbows on her knees, letting her head fall into her hands. She was feeling every emotion again, everything she had been trying so hard to suppress ever since her and Cory broke up. “I don’t want to leave, I miss you more than I even thought possible, but…. I don’t ever want to feel this way again.” She sniffled but the tears were still coming, and it was like a dam broke inside of her. Why did she lose everyone she ever loved? “The boys are so lucky to have you, Cory. I never once thought otherwise.”

Cory slowly walked over to Arden who sat back on the couch and she sat on the arm of the chair, keeping her distance still from the girl. She looked down at her hands in her lap and she shook her head. “I didn’t want to make you feel that way,” she said quietly. Cory felt like her body was on overdrive from the anxiety of showing and feeling her vulnerability. She hated it. But she hated missing Arden more. “I am sorry, Arden, I-” she felt the tears in the back of her throat choke her up and her eyes welled with tears, too blurred to see the girl sitting on the couch next to her. “I’m sorry.” 

Arden waited for Cory to say something, anything, but when she did, her words were ultimately disappointing. There was so much unsaid, and every time she tried to initiate a conversation, she got three words out of the other girl. “Cory…” She started, and then sighed. “Do you realize how exhausting it is, to try to talk to you and you’re not telling me anything? I don’t know what to do. It’s like you don’t even want to try,” she felt more tears come to her eyes, and she quickly tried to blink them away. “I feel like I said everything I had to say and you just..” Arden threw her arms up dramatically. “Like what the fuck, Cory? Is this what you want?” 

“No, Arden!” she said exasperatedly. “But what is it that you want me to say to you?” Cory’s eyes started welling up with her own tears out of frustration and her sadness. “That everyone in this house has been feeling your absence like no other person before? That I miss you and that I love you, and that I’m- I’m so stupid for saying what I did.” She felt she was just spewing her words now. “It’s just hard, you know? To let someone else take over. To- to maybe admit that I’m not always doing whats best for my kids.” A tear fell down her cheek when she said the last part, but then shook her head, that wasn’t the point she was trying to make. “I realize that this family needs you a lot more than I think any of us expected. I need you.” Her breathing was shallow and she could feel her whole body flush as she felt her emotions and felt shame by it. She looked away from Arden and leaned on the table. “So, please Arden- stay.” Her unsaid words were that if she couldn’t stay, then she had to leave for good and Cory was really hoping she wouldn’t choose that. 

Arden didn’t even know what to think anymore, frustrated and feeling like Cory wasn’t talking to her in the way she wanted. She just wanted to stop feeling unwanted. “You made it really clear that I don’t belong here, so I don’t know why you expect me to stay,” she commented when Cory said she was quick to run. And maybe she was, maybe she thought that was easier, but she was in pain and didn’t know how to deal it when every time she saw Cory it went badly. She paused what she was doing when Cory apologized, and sighed. “Sorry for what?” She asked, hoping that she was opening the door for them to have a conversation, but knowing Cory, it might be like pulling teeth. 

She knew that all of her words sounded like how Arden felt, but it wasn’t at all what Cory had meant. She knew that the other girl was apart of this family, more than almost anyone else that’s walked through that front door every day. Cory paused when Arden asked her what she was apologizing for and she felt like throwing herself on the floor then, wishing that Arden just knew that it was for everything. She bit her tongue, feeling like even if she apologized, it wasn’t going to fix anything. The uncertainty scared her. If she didn’t do or say anything, at least Cory was aware of how things were going to happen- or not happen. “You know,” she said quietly, looking down at her hands where she picked at the nail beds. “Everything.” 

Arden just nodded when Cory said it was fine, and wished more than anything that she would say something else. They hadn’t talked in weeks and it was eating her alive - but she felt like she said her part. She felt like it was Cory’s turn, but she didn’t seem to have anything to say. Arden’s head snapped up when Cory offered to pay her, her gaze incredulous. “You think I’m only here because I expect to get paid for it?” She shook her head, feeling a lot of negative emotions rising in her throat. She felt like she kept learning about the opinion that Cory had of her, and it wasn’t very high. It was making her feel horrible - she had put everything into this relationship and it didn’t seem that Cory could see any of that. Without warning, she felt her eyes well up with tears, and she was quickly collecting her things, wanting to get out of there as quickly as she could. “I shouldn’t have come here,” she mumbled as she shoved the book she had been reading back into her bag, slinging it over her shoulder. 

Her eyes had widened at Arden’s response and she felt like she was ready to scream, feeling so stupid and always saying the wrong things. “N-no.” Cory moved forward a step, feeling herself becoming frustrated more than anything. She felt like she was being assumed the worst and maybe she was. “I don’t think that- I’m just- I dunno, I just wasn’t expecting to see you... here.” She grit her teeth then, her own tears welling in her eyes. “You’re always so quick to run, now?” she asked, her hands balling into fists at her sides. Cory flicked a hair away that had somehow fallen into her eye. She closed her eyes then and sighed loudly. “I’m sorry, Arden.” She opened her eyes and looked at the girl in front of her. 

Arden didn’t realize how much she missed the Blake house until she was here again, and it was kind of painful. The boys had all greeted with a hug and she almost cried - she had been here pretty much every day since she had met Cory, and she had grown to love these boys so much. Being away from them for this long had been difficult, despite Arden trying to keep herself busy with work. She had made dinner and they watched the hockey game together, cheering for Charlie every time they saw him on the screen. She must have sent him a thousand texts congratulating him after the game was over, so proud of her friend. But after the boys had gone to bed and Arden was left alone in the Blake house that she missed so much, she was filled with emotion. This had grown to feel like her home too, and now that she was exiled from it, she felt like she didn’t have a place in the world. Like she was just here playing pretend for one more day. Arden looked up from her spot on the couch when the door opened, expecting to see Em, but hearing a more familiar voice instead. She froze, not expecting this to happen, and seeing Cory was even more painful than being in this house. God, she missed her so much. She sat and watched as Cory undid her hair and then redid it, and she felt the exact same level of flustered. “Oh - uh, he really wanted to make it to Charlie’s game tonight..” She explained, casting her gaze downward. “I - he swore he’d be back before you were but I guess he lost track of time..” She glanced over at the clock and then cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, is it weird that I’m here? I just.. missed the boys really bad, too. I didn’t want to say no.” Arden was fiddling with her hands, refusing to look at the girl in front of her. This was so uncomfortable and she hated it. It should never be this way with Cory. 

The feeling’s that she had towards Arden came at her without any warning. She had missed her so much. Missed seeing her, talking to her, just being with her. It hurt to see her here in her home like it was any other day at the Blake house before their fight had ever happened. Her gaze fell to the clock as well and she frowned. Cory was going to talk to Emmett, at least to talk about next time giving her a head’s up if he was going to ask her ex to watch their brothers so she wouldn’t be so caught off guard. “Yea- no, it’s- it’s fine.” Cory shook her head and looked down at the ground. She didn’t know what else to say to her. She’s tried, many times, to call, to text, to say sorry, but she always stopped herself. And now it was like god was playing a joke on her that he put Arden here in her house, to mock her because she just couldn’t say the words she needed to say. “Thank you.” She paused, putting her hands in her pockets to keep them from picking at anything else. “-For watching them. I can pay you?” she asked, not knowing if Emmett had promised that to her to get here. 

Arden waited for Cory to say more, to say anything, but she left it at those two words. Her shoulders slumped, and she ran a hand through her hair, feeling defeated. “I.. don’t know what else to say,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. She was exhausted by this fight, she didn’t want to fight with Cory anymore but she was still so hurt by Cory’s words and in such shock that she acted that way. “Maybe it’s best if we take a break from this. If I stop trying to help you with your stuff,” she said, feeling like she was forcing her presence into Cory’s life when it wasn’t wanted. And she didn’t want to feel that way. She also didn’t want to be without Cory, but that didn’t even feel like there was another option right now. “A break from everything, actually.”

Cory heard Arden’s words, practically flinching and while it was valid to leave after the night, she still couldn’t help the spark of anger in the pit of her stomach, realizing that this wasn’t going to be just a one night fight. Because she wasn’t just taking a break from her, but everyone else and she knew that that wasn’t going to go well with her brothers. “My stuff,” she repeated with one nod, stepping away from her. If it was so easy for Arden to leave them, then she should let her go. She’s heard that excuse from her own parents, that they need a break whenever they miraculously showed up, only to realize that this whole family thing wasn’t a walk in the park. “Then the door is right there, Arden. Your easy decision of needing a break sort of makes me feel like I’m not the only one knowing that we’ve been playing pretend.” Cory needed to be alone, she didn’t want to keep fighting, and it seemed that Arden had made her mind of what she was going to do. She walked away, feeling her eyes burn with unshed tears.

Arden had her hand on the door knob, ready to leave, to walk away from Cory treating her like this. But with every word she said, Arden was finding it harder and harder to just walk away. She looked at her girlfriend, at the woman she had been basically playing house with for months. “I respect your friendship with Seb, you know I always try my hardest with him. But what happened today.. you chose him over everyone else,” she sniffled, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “I’m supposed to be your partner. I’m supposed to help you with these things. But you pushed me aside like I didn’t matter.” The tears started flowing slowly again and she looked away, up at the ceiling so avoid more from coming. She was all about communication and not just walking away from a fight, but right now that’s all she felt like she wanted to do. 

Her eyes darted up at the ceiling, thinking of Emmett when Arden said what she said. Cory understood what she was saying. She kicked him out before, though, and yet it still seemed to not work. Maybe she just needed help to figure out how to handle this with someone she actually cared for. “I know,” she said quietly, not knowing what else to say without it sounding like an excuse. She didn’t want to do that to Arden. Cory knew that this was one of the reasons why she didn’t bring anyone home, that Arden was the first person she ever brought into this house to meet her brother’s and care for them the way that she did. It wasn’t mainly because she was afraid that the other would hurt them, that she didn’t trust Arden, it was because she had the hardest time actually letting them in despite saying otherwise. She already knew she didn’t deserve anything that Arden gave her, and she just proved it that night. 

Tears were falling down Arden’s cheeks now as she walked toward the front door. She was planning on leaving without another word, but as Cory came after her and stopped her, she turned around. “No, I didn’t deserve that,” she said, her voice breaking slightly. She angrily wiped the tears off of her face. “Is that really how you feel, Cory?” She asked, needing clarification. If after all of this, Cory still didn’t she was part of the family.. well, it hurt. It felt like she was losing her family for a second time. “I just don’t know what we’re even doing if that’s how you think of me.” 

“That’s not- that really wasn’t what I meant to say,” she told her. “I just can’t...” Cory paused what she was about to say, practically repeating her words out loud earlier. She couldn’t take having someone else take over and tell her what to do with her brothers. She dreamed of a time where she could have help, to have someone like Arden come in, an angel, but for some reason, in the end she wasn’t able to accept it as much as she wished. “I don’t like not knowing what to do and not knowing how to handle it, I got pissed because you were right.” Her admittance might not help her any, but at least she was able to admit it out loud. “Anyone else, I would’ve been able to agree with you, Arden, but Seb, he’s-” She shrugged, feeling frustrated. “Don’t leave,” she begged. 

Arden just shook her head as Cory tried to reason with her, feeling like maybe this was the end. She promised herself she would never let anyone treat her badly again, and the way that she was feeling right now was not great. “No, Cory, I understand where we stand now. I can see myself out,” she said, although honestly the last thing she wanted to do. She felt so confused by the bad turn that things took today, and with how she was sure Cory was feeling, she wished that she could be there for her. But not after the way she spoke to her today and the things she said. Arden felt like from Cory’s view, she didn’t mean anything to her. She wasn’t family, she was part of this, even though Arden had practically been living here and taking on a lot of the responsibilities around here. It was all pretend, apparently. Walking back Cory, she headed in the direction of the front door, knowing that she had to get out of here. She didn’t want this to be the end of them, but she also had never been hurt so deeply before. 

Cory flinched at her words, looking down at the ground. She noticed her back off and move towards the door, and she was conflicted. She didn’t want to watch her leave, she didn’t want her to be out of her life and that fear overtook any other feeling that she was having at the moment. She struck out once tonight, she moved to try one more time. Taking a step forward quickly, running after Arden, she tried to reach for her. “Arden, wait. I’m sorry.” She wasn’t going to cry, she wouldn’t, not with her apology hanging in the air, the embarrassment and shame of everything overcoming her. “You didn’t deserve that, I’m sorry,” she repeated, hoping that it would do something to not lose her forever.