Casually Ranting, Coz Why Not?

I truly do enjoy anonymity. Just another girl, talking about how I feel and what I think. Just what any other girl could and would. And before we close, this wheel is quite good, I just realised. Although, long long way to go.

You're my favorite entertainer.

I would follow you even on my grey days

About 20 days ago, I woke up to a drowsy headache and a new friend request on Facebook. Nothing unusual really. I had slept little and not too well, so I let it be for the moment, promising myself to respond later in the day. It was from a random girl’s profile, no mutual friends. Just as I was about to exit the app, something caught my eye. The display picture on the profile looked familiar. I became curious and clicked on it. In a matter of seconds, I saw staring back at me my very own pair of eyes - it was a picture of me. I was puzzled, but then recalled my Instagram is on public mode (understanding fully well what this means) and thought to myself, no big deal, you know, maybe this was pulled off from there - for I had mentally prepared myself for such a scenario before going public. The headache was worsening and I decided to go back to sleep for the time being.

Just then, it hit me: But, wait, I haven’t uploaded this picture on Instagram. For that matter, I had not uploaded it anywhere. I just didn’t want to share it online, even though it was a good photo. It was personal in a weird way. And I shot out of my bed - troubled, anxious and full of questions. Who is this person? Where did they get my picture? Why use it and send me a friend request as well? What are they trying to say? How? Why? What the hell? 

I was not sure what to do about it. At first, I decided to just ignore and let it go - be smart to not fuel this any further; but then, I knew this is wrong and my instinct did not allow this: I feared my not doing anything about it would only encourage this person to do the same with some other girl. I just couldn’t let that happen.

Immediately, I shared about this with some close friends. They all said the same thing, almost as a matter of fact: report and block the profile, problem solved. Genius. As if I was technologically challenged. As if I did not know about those features myself. 

No one really understood how threatened I was feeling and it agitated me even further. I did not want to report or block this profile/photo (although it would have been most convenient)  because doing that would just simply prevent this person from communicating to me - he could go ahead and do this with some other girl again. If he got away so lightly with such blatant and offensive invasion of space, what’s going to stop him from doing something similar, perhaps on a larger scale next time? He would surely be emboldened. I mean, for God’s sake, he would not even be notified that I had blocked him. I found this absolutely cowardly - this solved no purpose - and this wasn’t what I wanted to do.

But then, everyone I spoke to thought this was not really a big deal. So I started second-guessing myself. I mean surely, many peoples pictures are magically taken off their phone galleries and posted online without their permission and knowledge like that, and to top it off, they are also being sent a friend request, almost as a mockery. Maybe I was over-reacting. I decided to report the photo and block the profile, because clearly, that was the solution. But before that, I decided to text and ask that person the source of my photograph - I had a right to know that. The reply came: “ok I will delete the picture”. I asked the source, and he said, a close friend of mine had given it to him and he used it because it was a good photo, and he is not misusing it so I should not worry. 

I really wanted to know who this friend was, and before I could ask something else, that person blocked me. That was that - I could not do anything more - except that I made up my mind to stop posting my pictures on any social media for the time being, and just be invisible. This whole deal was just so not worth it. This meant, giving up my Instagram blogging too, which I really enjoyed BTW. When my friend noticed this, he convinced me not to. He said, “deleting your profile for some jobless creep is letting him win”. It made sense, and so I stayed. 

This morning haunted me for the first few days, but as time passed, it became a faint memory. I thought this was over, and that was my mistake.

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Two days ago, the person contacted me again. International Women’s Day, BTW. He unblocked me - I was literally just a button away - and messaged, “pehchana”, (do you recognize me?) with some explicit comment on my vagina. I did not reply. The next day, to my horror, I saw in my inbox an absolutely unwanted, disgusting dick pic with this long message of what he wanted to do to me, and an invitation for me to have fun. Not just what was being said, but the way it was worded was so disgusting and offensive - I thought thrice before showing the text even to my sister. She said, “DID YOU BLOCK THAT PROFILE WHEN I TOLD YOU TO?” I don’t think I could show this to my father or brothers. I could not reply or block this off - somehow I could not access the profile but the person was able to text me. I logged out and deleted the app from my phone.

Today, I received more pornographic images in my inbox with a promise to fuck me one day. I found that goddamn button and blocked the profile, and then sat down to write this. Facebook assured me that the said person will not be able to contact me now. 

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Before signing off, I want you to know that sitting inside in my room writing this, I don’t feel safe. 

As I contemplate lodging a cyber bullying/sexual harassment case, for the time being - I want to tell you that I have logged out of my Instagram and put my profile back to private mode, even as I have about 50 things that I want to share. As I go offline, I want you to know that I did not win this by blocking him off. I am worried that the same thing might happen/is happening to someone else and I feel with every bit of my being, that no one, absolutely no one, no fucking one, has the right to goddamn invade my privacy and space like that. 

I feel wronged, and I doubt if this will ever be set right. 

But for now, I have one request. If someone shares something similar with you - please do not downplay it. If someone feels threatened, recognize it. Do something about it rather than escaping out of the backdoor. The only thing worse about harassment is not recognizing it unless it gets out of hand/the attitude that it is common and hence, not a big deal. 

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