Hey, it's Tords!

Back when I was very active in blogging, I remember making something like this under the name “Thank You Thursdays”. During these stressful (underrated adjective, to be honest) times I think it’s a good grounding exercise so that I can personally remember the many blessings in life in spite of everything happening around me. This is not to completely disregard or invalidate the truth of alarming things around me, but mainly to remind myself that despite these aforementioned Bad and Alarming, Scary Things, there are still everyday small wins that we tend to overlook; a new song that makes you bop your head, a new video that makes you laugh - these are tiny pockets of gold that make life worth living. I want to take note, immortalize almost, these moments in my life so that I may never forget this present version of me in this present time, being thankful for certain things that keep me anchored in this rollercoaster called Life.

Family dinners - ordering in, sometimes making our own meals, sometimes with chika, sometimes eating in comfortable silence. Desserts are varying. Latest family obsession for dessert right now is when we revived our makunat na Tostitos chips using the air fryer. We are also currently in our lemon-infused water era, thanks to some lemons that the friendly vendor gave us when we hoarded a bunch of vegetables during our visit to Baguio.

Discord calls during studying - Since I started the year with two (!) heavy exams, Discord has always served as a lifeline since it helps me to study with my friends. Studying alone, especially during the pandemic, really forces you into isolation. As a self-proclaimed introvert, isolation is okay, but studying in isolation (after so many semesters of not seeing classmates), could nearly drive me insane.

Playing a bunch of games with friends every night! - I’ve been allotting my evenings to playing a bunch of games with friends! It’s been a great time to reconnect with my friends, both from undergrad and medicine, and it has greatly helped me in terms of my social interactions. I’ve been playing Phasmophobia, League, Jackbox, Crab Game, and Overcooked 2 with friends!! Super fun hahaha am I a gamer girl now?! Eme!!

More new music to keep my head bopping - I’ve been playing Bibi’s The Weekend on repeat, non-stop this week. Whenever I’m doing my afternoon bike routine, I listen to this song and it makes me feel like the main character in a movie. Highly recommended practice. We all deserve the boost :)

Teaching our dogs how to sit and fetch! - I’ve been full on dog mom, buying them treats and snacks and getting them all to learn how to sit. Our babies and even our veterans, motivated by the promise of a dog biscuit/treat upon good performance, have been responding well to my training! I’m super happy to see them retain the learnings hehe. Super fulfilling to see as a dog owner <3

Calypso’s silent company - I love Calypso so much! She may have a cattitude HAHA but deep inside I think she loves me and my family. She joins us in the room, and she always snuggles up next to us whenever we’re about to sleep. She’s very malambing in her own way and I can’t expect that I am now also a cat mom.

KAI - Can I just say... HAHAHA I can’t even express how Down Bad I am over Kim Jongin hahuhu I swear! His Peaches era has been my awakening. The visuals and concept are so good! Super lovely and he has a great personality. Giving me pseudo-jowa vibes talaga.

Succession - This show is full of drama oh my gosh I’m so invested. I’m so happy I finally have the time to watch this show huhu I just finished season two yesterday and oh my gosh it was amazing. As in shookt to the core!! I can’t wait to watch season three hehe. (My to-watch list is so long oh my goodness, the backlogs are real)

Late afternoon biking - During this break (after my two exams), I’ve been really attempting to bike around the subdivision, even for just 30 minutes, to really take a break and be outside the house for once. It’s been a really great exercise, because it also gives me reprieve and peace of mind. Aside from that, I also get to watch the sunsets and the beautiful skies.

 Ever since I’ve fully embraced the truth of being an introvert (formerly an ambivert in college, then realizing I was an introvert after further introspection during the panorama), life has been much better from my perspective. I know when to socialize, and I also know when it’s time to listen to my social battery and call it a day.

After our dissection bridging program last month, I took a long break to enjoy my last few weeks before the storm that is LU4 (endearingly coined HELLU4 by the older batches). 

I’ve been reading more (!!), watching movies with my family and loved ones, listened to more music, played and ranked up (successfully or unsuccessfully, I will not tell), read my devotionals, took care of my pets, and really just existed in the moment without thinking about what to do next. My recharging has been amazing, and I can say that I am healing from within. Ahhhhh. 

Hi, self. It’s August 12, and I’m officially free from my one-week room isolation shortly after I got home from my dissection bridging program (a.k.a. LEAP). Even though I’ve definitely been stuck in a rather unhealthy routine of repetition, I still want to put focus on another thing that I’ve been doing to break away from the stagnation and the clutches of social media: reading. 

I’m reading again!

I’ve recently come to the horrible realization that I have completely fell out of touch with one of my favorite hobbies a few years back, which was reading for FUN. Ever since entering college, I have been immersed in required readings, journal articles, textbooks, and before I knew it, I have strayed away from my love for books. To fix the big hole in my soul, I downloaded a bunch of new books and I took a crack at The God Equation by Michio Kaku. I have to say, this has been one of the most amazing things I have read thus far, especially as a science major back in college. I’m about halfway through the book, yet I am already amazed. It provided me the context that made everything more awesome, more wonderful. Back in school, we were just given the distilled version of these stories - we were handed concepts to understand, equations to memorize, mathematical constants to keep in mind, but I honestly did not understand what they were for and how they came to be. This book answered those two questions for me, and it led me to be more curious about the world of science and innovation and how everything came to be. I’ve been trying to read at least 30 minutes every day, and I really want to get back into the habit of reading books over mindlessly scrolling on social media, which is something I’ve admittedly been doing recently. Hayyy. 

RMS Lip2Cheek Tint in Illusive on the cheeks

Happy Skin Lip Treatment Oil in Daily Dose on the lips

Happy Skin Lengthening Serum Mascara

Happy Skin Perfect Eyes Trio (super in love with this!!!!)

Glossier Haloscope on the high points of cheeks

Not sponsored by Happy Skin! Although they could?! Cheka

Since I have a tendency of forgetting good makeup combinations that complement my skin, I plan on just dumping it here so I never forget.

I’m very proud to say that my “daily” makeup routine consists of only locally-made products (with the exception of two products in the mix)! 

Happy Skin Perfect Eyes Trio (the trident tip and the brow pencil for the eyebrows, and the eyeshadow for the lids)

A subtle wash of Butter Bronzer over the lids, mixed with the Happy Skin eyeshadow

Glossier Haloscope on the high points of the cheeks

Colourette Lip and Cheek Tint in Zola for the cheeks

I deleted Instagram at the start of the year, mainly because it all started getting to my head. 

PS: This essay might just be hot take after hot take, but these opinions are mine alone.

Love arrives exactly when Love is supposed to, and Love leaves exactly when Love must. When Love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.” If Love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music. Listen to the quiet. Whisper, “Thank you for stopping by.”

- “When Love Arrives” by Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye

Good evening, self! It’s a late Wednesday evening, and it’s been less than a week since my first year in medical school ended with a soft, tired, relieved bang (a.k.a. the comprehensive exam). 

It has been an eventful day, going around Manila with mom to scout for possible places that I could stay in for my upcoming dissection bridging program. We went around, familiarized ourselves with the surroundings, and enjoyed ourselves on a mall date (something we haven’t done in a long time). On our way home, I saw the Philippine General Hospital for the first time, and it was only then that it sunk in that I would be walking those very halls in the future. 

It still feels new to me, even after a year. My first year in medicine, which has been completely online, has been a mix of ups and downs. It gives me a great sense of accomplishment to be able to make it this far, and I am so immensely full of gratitude to God and all the people involved to give us a well-rounded education. It was through His grace that I was able to make it. I have to admit though that it has also been pretty difficult for me. Aside from adjusting to online learning and different styles of teaching, another struggle has been not being able to meet my batchmates physically. It’s difficult for me to make friends online, and I really prefer to get a feel of people in real life. Online learning took that away from me, so now I’m pretty sure I’m one awkward nugget when the time comes. Hayyy. It’s a mixed bag, definitely more good than bad, but still. I’ve been drowning in modules, exams, SGDs, that it’s still hard for me to see the bigger picture.

What kind of doctor will I become? 

I’m so sleepy and tiredddd but I am so grateful for having finished OS 205!!!!! All requirements are in, and my exam is officially d-o-n-e. This thorax module (originally four weeks na naging six weeks + a lot of health breaks in between huhu so thankful) really taught me a lot and gave me a clearer view of what it would be like if I were to pursue cardiology. I always thought that cardiology was interesting (and a field I could pursue in the future), and in the past month, I really got a taste of it all. Napaisip tuloy ako chos!! It’s definitely high-yield, but also overwhelming for someone who was only really familiar with the parts of the heart before the module started.

Learning about the anatomy of this organ system was genuinely interesting, but oh my goodness, physiology is always a killer. To be fair though, cardiovascular physiology > pulmonary physiology (I think??? Don’t quote me on this cheka). Accept this word dump as my journal entry for this week!! Peace out!!

Since I’ve been spending my first and second semester from the comforts of my home (due to the panorama), I realized that my iPad holds a lot of gems that more or less describe how my experience in online med school has been. I want to take you on a ~journey through my curation of annotated random pictures in my iPad’s gallery. Enjoy! 

(In first photo: learning about the parts of the heart a.k.a. one of my favorite lessons in anatomy thus far) 

Learning how to conduct a lung and chest physical exam (on a teddy bear but whatever) in front of a preceptor! I was super nervous and I practiced so many times just so I don’t stutter in front of Doc huhuhu. Overall it went well and I got commended for my efforts! 

Remembering this line from Monsters Inc. during my head and neck module, just to remember the optic nerve. LOL of course I forgot about the specifics now

Ninja Nerd (who finally FINALLY hit 1M subscribers!! Yay!!!!) helping me understand the brachial plexus during my musculoskeletal module. It was a journey but I finally understood it after so many visual cues and lessons! 

Self-explanatory. 

Finishing ten portfolio notes and celebrating because I managed to label, color, and learn all at the same time! Hindi lang halata sa face ko but I was super happy, swear. Sent them immediately to my professor right after this picture.  

One module required live proctorship during our exam, so it was extra nerve-wracking since I disconnected TWICE during the exam itself!! Grabe, war flashbacks. Pair with the fact that I did not have a desk mirror during the first exam so I had to use my iPad (which kept on locking itself every 5 minutes), I was a stressed-out med student during this whole endeavor. LOL 

Major thanks to Shopee for almost half these things on my desk! I was able to fill up my study desk with organizers and essentials for my ~study mode to activate. I haven’t been this home for so long (as in consecutively ha) so it was fun for me to fill up and actually study on my desk. 

That’s it!! I had a lot of fun making and annotating these pictures. I would love to look back on these someday and remember all the fun (and frazzled) memories I made during my first two semesters in med school. 

Cheers, 

Bruno Major has been singlehandedly saving my life ever since I listened to his songs for the very first time. I have been listening to his two albums on loop, especially A Song for Every Moon (2017). I can’t even pinpoint a favorite, I just want to treat this as my imaginary love letter to tell the Tumblr universe just how much Bruno has changed my life. Biking around the subdivision has been my therapy during the pandemic, and listening to his voice as I let the wind blow in my face helps make my problems cease to exist. Watching the sun set, coupled with the silence of my thoughts and the neighborhood around me, listening to his smooth voice, I am at peace. 

That’s it. Bruno Major’s songs brings me peace. 

Gin-Gin’s 7th Birthday

Time truly flies. I remember I still made a blogpost here, proud ate and all, welcoming my newborn baby sister into the world. I cannot believe I’m making another post, this time celebrating her 7th birthday! 

Despite the circumstances, we still wanted to celebrate her birthday with immediate family. We had great food, a simple program (mainly for the children), and a fun celebration to commemorate our bunso’s special day. The whole event in itself was a group effort with my cousins from my mother’s side, since we didn’t hire any event coordinator etcetera. Even the pictures from the event were all thanks to Roy and his magical camera hands <3 

Her birthday was on March, which meant that all the preparations and shopping happened while school was ongoing. Grabe, dito ko talaga na-feel yung work-life balance na sinasabi. I tried (but did I learn? chos) to manage my time, enough to get birthday preparations done and enough to stay on top of my studies (as much as I could). It was a challenge to say the least (BUT! I had fun planning), and I’m really grateful for my family, friends, and most of all, God, for all the guidance and help. I truly, honestly, genuinely would never have pulled this off alone. My utmost gratitude to my parents and cousins, especially Karl (for being the head boss bitch in CHARGE), for helping the vision come to life.

I am halfway done with my second semester in my first year of medical school, and I honestly thought (believed, even) that I would already be immune to the panic and anxiety that comes with student group discussions (SGDs). The fear of not knowing who your preceptor is, the fear that you haven’t read the case cover to cover enough times, and the fear of being asked on the spot and not knowing the correct answer - it all gets into my head. Coupled with sleep-deprivation and coffee-induced palpitations, it sure is one intense combination. (Remind me to never ever drink coffee again before any SGD. It might just be my cause of death.)  

I’m currently on the sofa, just finished with my SGD. I’m forever grateful for the Lord sustained me so greatly through this day. I passed my first pulmo exam (despite only starting last Saturday + despite the fact that physio has always been a weak spot), and I was blessed with a kind, understanding preceptor for today’s SGD. Special shoutout as well to my groupmates who were able to explain everything so well, I ended up learning a lot in the process. Thank You Lord for giving me strength today. 

The anxiety that comes with every SGD may be unshakeable, but nothing compares to the feeling of finishing one on a great note. I am slowly coming to terms with the possibility that maybe the fears won’t stop coming (since I am built like this, little worrisome shy bean), but I also know that I won’t let them hinder me from still striving to do my best. It helps as well to remind myself that this is all for a bigger purpose, and that I’m not just doing this for myself. Every time I remind myself of my ‘why’ (or the Lord does it for me, in His own amazing ways), I sit a little taller and give myself a much-needed pep talk. 

I’m exhausted and sleep-deprived (with my coffee palpitations slowly tapering off), the country is in shambles, this administration is a joke, yet one of the ways I’m coping is by taking all the wins that we can get, big or small. A win is a win. Today was a personal win, and I deserve to celebrate. 

My year in quarantine has really given me the silence and clarity that I needed. Once the busyness of everyday life has dwindled into an almost deafening silence, I found my faith in the Lord. This was newfound faith that I found by myself, completely different from the faith taught to me back in grade school and high school. Apart from learning about Christ's passion, death, and resurrection in class, praying the rosary every October before the start of every subject, attending Friday mass, this faith felt different. Vulnerable. Real. Personal. There was forgiveness that I found in Him, and I felt that the Lord was waiting for me patiently, ready to welcome me with open arms. Cliche as it sounds, I really felt like the prodigal son, coming home tired and weary, my regrets and sins slung over my back, like Atlas carrying the weight of the world. The Lord showed me the light, He redirected me to the right path, and He forgave me. Not once did He ever gave up on me, and I realized it with such intensity that I literally cried upon this realization.

During times of trouble, when I felt that the world would collapse underneath me and there was no way out, there was the Lord. Attending mass every weekend felt like my time to converse with Him. I would listen to the Gospel, and the homily would always always hit the spot, kind of like the Lord was talking to me directly. Lifting everything up to Him gave me a sense of peace that I cannot quite describe. All I know is that it freed me to know that the Lord never lets me walk alone, that He is always by my side. The verse I wrote and placed on my table is from Proverbs 3:5-6, and it remains to be one of my favorite verses to date.  It reads, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Grabe. It gives me chills every single time. The hurdles in front of me would seem hard and impossible, but I always remember that verse and I am instantly reminded that the Lord is with me always, guiding me, making sure that I emerge a better person after everything. He has a plan for me, and He has placed such amazing people in my life to make sure I never walk alone in this journey.  Wow. The Lord has sustained me and protected me in so many ways, and for that, I will always always be grateful. Truly, with the Lord, nothing is impossible. He has shown me countless times (both in and out of med school) that He has a greater plan for all of us.

On my inconsistencies (and addressing them)

I wrote this as one of my 2021 resolutions: REVIVE THE BLOG! Write again with reckless abandon. My eyes widened slightly when I read the words 'reckless abandon'. When was the last time I got to write something for myself? No citations, no proofreading, no anxiety over comments and peer reviews. It has been a long time. Blogging has always been something that I come back to, quite inconsistently, but it is one of the few things that ultimately gives me comfort. Now that I am in med school, I find that it's really important to cling to the little things that give you solace (because you're really going to need it).

Furthermore, I have come to realize that my attention span is really embarrassingly short, especially when it comes to my hobbies. I find myself fixating on one hobby for a few weeks, then finding something new I want to 'explore' for the next few weeks. There are multitudes of things on my 'to-watch', 'to-read', 'to-try' lists, and the fact that I actually made lists for them gives me a sense of shame I can't quite erase (well, not until I do something about them). During the pandemic, I'm slowly whittling my way down, but the dent I've made is still pretty unremarkable. I picked up tons of new hobbies and passions during these rather troubling times in quarantine (as a way of coping as well), and a lot has changed since the last time I posted something personal on this blog. Despite all the new things I've explored, I find that blogging remains to be something I really like doing, and it has dawned upon me (sadly) that 1) I've been putting it off, 2) I rarely have time for it, and 3) when I do have time, I rarely make time for it. I don't know exactly why, but my follow-through game has been awful recently.

I know that I'm not a really good writer. Through the years, I've shifted from a 'creative writing' approach to a more scientific one, mainly because of my course. When I scrolled all the way down to my first blogpost (2014, I believe), I saw that I only had the purest intentions of documenting things I wanted to share to my future self. A lot has changed since then, and it was great to be able to look back on my journey as a teenager eventually growing into my own person. It served as my own time capsule, and reading my old (cheesy, haha) posts gave me such a great sense of nostalgia that I want to preserve and continue to foster.

This blog of mine has been a safe space for my teenage self, and I believe that it continues to be one of my safe spaces until now (mainly because it's just me writing for myself in this blog). It remains to be a great avenue for self-expression, and it dawned on me that I do miss writing about the things that I want to talk about. It's currently our Holy Week break, and I've decided to sit down, stop putting it off, and just start writing. It's really true what they (who's they? I don't know either) say, the first step is always the hardest. I'm slowly getting into the groove and habit of writing again, and it really makes me happy. Granted, it's no Palanca winner, no publish-worthy chunk of text, but it's personal and it's mine, which is more than enough for me. Okay! Napatagal. Just wanted to say na I'm back (for the nth time around — shh, forgive me, self) for good (hopefully! holding myself accountable here, LOL).

Cheers to this blog, my safe space,

Edvard Munch Consolation (1894) Drypoint and open bite in black on cream wove paper

Hi! It's been a while since I posted something again. I recently fell down a rabbit hole of Munch's paintings, and this particular one really spoke out to me. There is actually no written story or context behind this work by Munch (none that I know of), so I actually can't provide context context. However, what I really do love about this work is how it's already self-explanatory.

Munch’s work depicts a crying girl, while the man beside her is trying to console her by holding her in his arms. I particularly love how Munch showed the woman was almost enshrouded by dark, black shadows, almost as if he was symbolizing the dark thoughts she's been having. In contrast, the man holding her imbues a certain brightness and light to the picture, symbolizing the light in times of darkness. I adore how there was no need to put facial expressions (or faces, for that matter) on his subjects. Their body language is more than enough to convey the reassurance and consolation happening in that exact moment. Their nudity reminds me of vulnerability, giving me ideas of love, intimacy, and even acceptance of the other person's darkness, imperfections.

I may not know what Munch was thinking of or what he was basing this from when he made this drawing, but all I know is that everyone can relate to this certain work. I certainly can. Some days, we may be the crying, inconsolable girl, consumed by our thoughts and affected by the many problems around us. Some days, maybe we're the guy, consoling and helping someone, reassuring them about our presence in spite of the darkness. This piece evokes feelings that are universal, and all I hope is that during our moments of darkness, there also comes moments of light and clarity that can pull us out of that dark headspace. Consolation, like the title of the artwork, could manifest itself in a multitude of ways. May it be through a pick-me-up movie, a relatable song from childhood, or a comforting meal. It can be in the form of loved ones, like parents, siblings, partners, and best friends. I for one am eternally grateful for all the wonderful bringers of light in my life. Without them, I don't know where I would be right now. Indeed, no man is an island.

To navigating the light and darkness together,

Jean-Léon Gérôme Pygmalion and Galatea (1890) Oil on canvas

Based on the title of the painting itself, Gérôme based this on the story of Pygmalion and Galatea, a story recounted in Ovid's Metamorphoses. This work depicts the exact moment when Aphrodite brought Galatea's sculpture to life in order to fulfill Pygmalion's wish. 

In order to give this painting more context, we must first delve into the myth of Pygmalion and Galatea. Pygmalion was a talented sculptor from Cyprus. However, he saw women as "flawed creatures" and vowed to never waste his time with them. He then dedicated himself to his craft, and eventually started working on Galatea, a sculpture of a woman made of ivory. Pygmalion worked on this sculpture for so long that it became more beautiful than any woman. Before he knew it, he had fallen deeply in love with Galatea, his own creation (”What irony that he who had scorned women should fall in love with a woman who could never love him in return”).

Aphrodite, the goddess of love, noticed what happened and took pity on Pygmalion. She then decided to do something about our lovesick protagonist. When he went back to his studio, he saw Galatea, who had been given life by Aphrodite. Soon, they were both wed, and Pygmalion was always full of gratitude for everything Aphrodite has done. The couple lived happily ever after.

This painting spoke to me because of how Gérôme was able to convey passion in just their body language. There is a certain tenderness in the way Pygmalion embraces Galatea that truly makes me believe he loves her dearly. Definitely swoon-worthy! 

Cheers to love,

Tords

Sources:

https://www.greekmyths-greekmythology.com/myth-of-pygmalion-and-galatea/