The Life of Me

Every time I like someone, the situation is always complicated. This is why I’m very picky on girls. All of my close friends know this about me. I don’t want to just go for someone just because, I want to see potential in them first before I take that dive. A lot of people always say you have to date around and go through heart break to finally find the one. But you know what? No, you really don’t have to go through all that.

What I wonder about from time to time is what pops up in your head when facebook shows the memory photos of us. Does it bother you? Do you cringe at the sight of it? Do you miss me? Do you wonder how I’m doing? Or do you not think anything and just keep scrolling?

To top off my first world problem, my anxiety is slowly coming back.

The girl I use to like is recently single and is showing me more attention than usual. I don’t see a long term relationship with her anymore but I still like the attention. Also, I think I might be catching feelings for my bestfriend, but the thing is I already know we’re better off as friends and nothing more than that. I think the fact that I’m really lonely right now is the cause of me feeling this way with both people. I don’t like it and just wish something better can happen to me.

A couple of times, there were moments I could have started dating again. It gets me all excited in the beginning. But before I can even try it out, the thought of experiencing another heart break pops up in my head. That’s one of my biggest fears, to go through that horrifying feeling again. I really want to be strong again, but deep inside I’m still broken.

It’s crazy how friends with benefits are so easily found by other people. I would have to go through a whole mission to get one. And that’s just too much work.

Something about cuddling with someone in bed is so addicting.

Every girl I’ve talked to and got along with, people assumed we were dating. Apparently these assumptions of me have been happening to me ever since I was still new. Like what the fuck? Why can’t I just be friends with them and nothing more? Now I’m hanging out with my friend a lot so people assume we’re dating now and telling her ex about it and he’s getting all mad about it. I’m getting forced into this high school drama bullshit because her ex can’t stand her being herself. All this shit plus the problems about my position at work is causing so much stress in my life.

Watching snaps happening of the retreat this weekend...glad the water bottle light trick I started became a tradition on a specific moment.

The church I use to volunteer for left for their annual confirmation retreat for the weekend. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it and wasn’t interested in coming back. But the reason I left in the first place was because of some of the people in the core team. The experience and the whole spiritual high you get with it is so amazing and enlightening. But it wouldn’t be right since I have issues with some of the people in charge and plus it wouldn’t be for me anyways, but for the teenagers going up on the mountains. Overall, I know it’s going to be a success like usual and I miss the experience.

A friend of mine recently went through a bad break up. To prove to her that she’s a strong person, I had to admit to her something I haven’t told anyone in years. I told her that I still have feelings or my exgirlfriend. I told her that I miss my ex every single day. I had to tell her that it takes a lot of me to hold back from texting her. I told her that she’s strong and will get through her break up because nobody can be weaker than I’ve been feeling all these years...