Something More 🍁

It was a book, he thought. And then he didn’t know why he thought it was a book; it was a bird. No, a planet. A mirror. It was none of those things. - Blue Lily, Lily Blue by Maggie Stiefvater

Dear Molly,

If I tell you something like “your sense of self is entirely in your own hands,” would you consider that good news or bad news?

Hopefully it’s the first, because it’s true. In the 1960s, this dude named Daryl Bem came up with the theory of self-perception. Maybe that should be capitalized. The Theory of Self Perception. Anyway, it’s a theory of attitude formation. Maybe that should also be capitalized. Attitude Formation. 

Regardless of capitalization, it’s a theory that says that our sense of self is formed by our actions, not the other way around. I know that seems counter intuitive. We think, for instance, that if you’re an inherently brave human, you do brave things. But Bem’s theory of self perception says it’s the other way around: If you do a brave thing, you think of yourself as a brave person. 

I can hear the crusty sound of your eyes rolling, but wait up, listen, it holds water as a theory. Let’s imagine you’re afraid to hang-glide because you think of yourself as a cowardly person. Now imagine your friends badger you into the hang-gliding anyway. You do it, and you’re successful, even though you didn’t choose it for yourself. Now you’ve done this brave thing, and you decide maybe you were wrong, you actually are a brave person. Subsequently you begin to think of yourself as someone brave. Later, you tell the story of hang-gliding to a stranger later, and their eyes widen — you’re so fearless, they say. Yes, you think to yourself. I guess I am! The story is confirmed — the story you have told yourself about yourself. 

But you’re not wrong. You are what you do. Tell a story about yourself, you become that story. Good or bad.

What does this have to do with your question? Maybe you’ve already figured it out. If you decide to go digging to find out who you are, all you’ll find is an empty hole waiting to be filled with something real. Who you are isn’t a concrete entity waiting to be uncovered. You don’t have to wistfully think, I wish I was a gentler person, but I’m just not: you can decide to be a gentler person. You don’t have to sigh and say, I wish I was braver: you can do brave things and you will grow into them. You don’t have to say: I wish I was more bad ass — you can just buy yourself a damn big pair of black boots and some good sunglasses and live the bad ass life until you’re there. 

Here’s the long story of how I did this very thing myself. No, it doesn’t happen overnight, and no, it’s not always easy. I guess that’s why they call it character-building.

urs,