ebony

i buy weed from the man who sexually assaulted me.

yes.

when i was a child, for many years, i was being molested by two of my uncles. for nearly 5 years (ages 5 until about 10), i was taken advantage of by two men in my family. men that i trusted; men that my parents trusted. i was told to keep my mouth shut and to continue on as if kissing and fondling my uncles’ private parts were normal.

i kept their secrets until one day, i broke down at school and confided in a teacher who then told my parents. i was ten at the time.

one uncle fled and wasn’t located until i was an adult. the other served some time in jail. when he was released, i was a teen and no longer lived in the same house he did.

being that he was my grandmother’s child, she did all that she could to “keep him straight” and “keep the family together”. i would purposely avoid contact with him when visiting with my grandparents until i was forced to move under the same roof because my dad had fallen on hard times. i was always an angry child after what happened to me. no one ever put the pieces together to the complex puzzle of the adolescent they called me. i never understood either. i was the black sheep of the family.

i am now 27 and finally understand why i was so angry as a teen. my trauma manifested as anger and resentment. for so many years, i had seemingly dealt with the things i endured as a child.

i look back at my teenage years and realize that i had not fully grasped any of the concepts until i began buying weed from my uncle. my plug decided that he didn’t want to sell weed anymore and i was without.

he’d give me free weed from time to time, without me asking. i would pay and be told to keep my money. was this his guilt saying “oh, i did something bad to her, so i feel obligated to give her this for free.”? he eventually began taking the money in exchange for the green, but i began to feel more and more uncomfortable with what was going on and stopped coming around to spend time with my grandma. i would ask if he was there before stopping by. i felt unsafe in his presence. i finally had realized that i was still stuck in his web. i had become five again. unable to open my mouth and express what was going on with me. i would notice that i would even shy away from speaking up at work, too. i distances myself from my friends and members of my family. i wouldn’t go out. i began buying baggy clothes to hide my figure. i stopped wearing makeup as frequently.

i stopped buying his weed, but i’m stuck with this feeling. feelings of unease, anger, resentment.